A Red Herring Without Mustard

by Alan Bradley

  “Brookie fell backwards down the stone steps into the chamber. That’s probably what actually killed him.”

  Oh Lord, forgive me this one charitable little fib!

  “Colin fetched a length of rope from the tunnel and hauled him up onto Poseidon’s trident. He had to tie Brookie’s wrists together so that the arms wouldn’t slip out of the coat later. He didn’t want to risk the body falling.”

  Inspector Hewitt gave me a look I can only describe as skeptical.

  “Brookie,” I went on, “had told Colin about the Hobblers’ belief that Heaven was right there above our heads. You see, he wanted to give Brookie a head start.”

  “Good lord!” Father said.

  Inspector Hewitt scratched his nose. “Hmmm,” he said. “Seems rather far-fetched.”

  “Not so far-fetched at all, Inspector,” I said. “That’s precisely the way Colin explained it to me. I’m sure that when Dr. Darby and the vicar allow you to question him further …”

  The Inspector nodded in a sad way, as if he’d rather suspected it all along.

  “Thank you, Flavia,” he said, getting to his feet and closing his notebook. “And thank you, Colonel de Luce. You’ve been more than generous in helping us get to the bottom of this matter.” He walked to the drawing-room door.

  “Oh, and Flavia,” he said rather shyly, turning back. “I almost forgot. I came here today somewhat as a message bearer. My wife, Antigone, would be delighted if you’d come for tea next Wednesday … if you’re free, of course.”

  Antigone? Tea? And then it sank in.

  Oh, frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! That glorious goddess, Antigone, was summoning me, Flavia Sabina de Luce, to her vine-covered cottage!

  “Thank you, Inspector,” I said primly. “I shall consult my calendar and see if I can set aside some time.”

  Up the stairs I flew. I couldn’t wait to tell Porcelain!

  I should have guessed that she’d be gone.

  She had torn a blank page from my notebook and fastened it to one of my pillows with a safety pin.

  Thanks for everything. Look me up in London sometime.

  Your friend, Porcelain

  Just that, and nothing more.

  At first I was seized with sadness. In spite of our ups and downs, I had never met anyone quite like Porcelain Lee. I had already begun to miss her.

  I find it difficult to write about the portrait of Harriet.

  Leaving the painting at Vanetta Harewood’s studio with its face against the wall was out of the question. She had, after all, offered it to me, and since Harriet had paid in full for the work, it belonged rightly to her estate at Buckshaw.

  I would hang it secretly, I decided, in the drawing room. I would unveil it for my family with as much ceremony as I could muster. I could hardly wait.

  In the end, it hadn’t been terribly difficult to arrange the transfer. I’d asked Mrs. Mullet to have a word with Clarence Mundy, who operated Bishop’s Lacey’s only taxicab, and Clarence had agreed to “lay on transportation,” as he put it.

  On a dark and rainy afternoon in late September, we had rolled up at the gate of the cottage studio in Malden Fenwick, and Clarence had walked me to the door with an oversized black umbrella.

  “Come in,” Vanetta Harewood said, “I’ve been expecting you.”

  “Sorry we’re a bit late,” I said. “The rain, and so forth …”

  “It’s no trouble at all,” she replied. “To be truthful, I’ve been finding the days rather longer than usual.”

  Clarence and I waited in the hall until the glowering Ursula appeared with a large object, wrapped in brown paper.

  “Keep it dry,” Vanetta said. “It’s my best work.”

  And so we brought Harriet’s portrait to Buckshaw.

  “Hold the umbrella for me,” Clarence said, preparing to wrestle the package from the backseat of the taxicab. “I’m going to need both hands.”

  Shielding the parcel from the slanting rain, we dashed to the door, as awkward as three-legged racers.

  I had handed Clarence the fare and was halfway across the foyer when suddenly Father emerged from his study.

  “What have you dragged home now?” he asked, and I couldn’t find it in my heart to lie.

  “It’s a painting,” I said. “It belongs to you.”

  Father leaned it against the wall and returned to his study, from which he emerged with a pair of shears to cut the several turns of butcher’s string.

  He let the paper fall away.

  That was two weeks ago.

  The portrait of Harriet and her three children is no longer in the foyer, nor is it in the drawing room. Until today, I’d searched the house in vain.

  But this morning, when I unlocked the door of my laboratory, I found the painting hanging above the mantelpiece.

  I’ve mentioned this to no one.

  Father knows it’s there and I know it’s there, and for now, that’s all that counts.

  NOTE TO THE READER

  In order to provide sufficiently dramatic lighting for this story, I must admit to having tinkered slightly here and there with the phases of the moon, though the reader may rest assured that, having finished, I’ve put everything back exactly as it was.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  The writing of a book is, among many other things, an extended journey with friends: a kind of pilgrimage. Along the way we have met, sometimes parted, shared meals, and swapped stories, ideas, jokes, and opinions. In doing so, these friends have become inextricably woven into the book’s fabric.

  My heartfelt gratitude to Dr. John Harland and Janet Harland, to whom this book is dedicated, for many years of friendship and countless excellent suggestions.

  To Nora and Don Ivey, who not only opened their home to me, but also saw to it personally that one of my lifelong dreams was made to come true.

  To my editors: Bill Massey at Orion Books in London, Kate Miciak at Random House in New York, and Kristin Cochrane at Doubleday Canada in Toronto. And particular thanks to Loren Noveck and Connie Munro, at Random House, New York, my production editor and copy editor respectively, who toil away quietly behind the scenes doing much of the work for which I get the credit.

  To Denise Bukowski, my agent, and Susan Morris at the Bukowski Agency, who fearlessly juggle all the mountains of detail with astonishing efficiency.

  To Brad Martin, CEO of Random House Canada, for his abiding faith.

  To Susan Corcoran and Kelle Ruden of Random House, New York, and Sharon Klein of Random House, Toronto, for their phenomenal support.

  To Natalie Braine, Jade Chandler, Juliet Ewers, Jessica Purdue, and Helen Richardson of Orion Books, London, who have relieved me of so much of the worry.

  To Jennifer Herman and Michael Ball for making the miles fly by and delivering me safely.

  To Ken Boichuk and his Grimsby Author Series, with gratitude for a most memorable evening.

  To my old friend Robert Nielsen of Potlatch Publications, who published some of my earliest fiction, and who honestly seemed as happy to see me again as I was to see him.

  To Ted Barris, author and longtime friend, whose focused energy is always such an inspiration.

  To Marion Misters of Sleuth of Baker Street in Toronto, and Wendy Sharko of The Avid Reader in Cobourg, who welcomed me back to my birthplace and hometown respectively.

  To Rita and Hank Schaeffer, who coddled me in Montreal.

  To Andreas Kessaris of the Paragraphe Bookstore, Montreal.

  To the Random House “Ladies of Westminster”: Cheryl Kelly, Lori Zook, Sherri Drechsler, Pam Kaufman, Judy Pohlhaus, Camille Marchi, Sherry Virtz, Stacey Carlinia, Emily Bates, Amiee Wingfield, and Lauren Gromlowicz, with whom I shared a ton of books and two tons of laughs.

  To Kim Monahan, Randall Klein, and David Weller of Random House, in New York City.

  To Tony Borg, Mary Rose Grima, Dr. Joe Rapa, Doris Vella, and Dr. Raymond Xerri, who will probably never realize what a great difference they made. Th
eir many kindnesses and courtesies during the writing of this book will never be forgotten.

  To Mary Jo Anderson, Stan Ascher, Andrea Baillie, Tim Belford, Rebecca Brayton, Arlene Bynon, Stephen Clare, Richard Davies, Anne Lagace Dowson, Mike Duncan, Vanessa Gates, Kathleen Hay, Andrew Krystal, Sheryl MacKay, Hubert O’Hearn, Mark Perzel, David Peterson, Ric Peterson, Craig Rintoul, M. J. “Mike” Stone, Scott Walker, Lisa Winston, and Carolyn Yates, who made it seem easy by asking all the right questions.

  To Skip Prichard and George Tattersfield at the Ingram Book Company, in La Vergne, Tennessee; and to Claire Tattersfield, who did me the great honor of skipping school to have her book signed, and to Robin Glennon for arranging a most memorable day.

  To fellow authors Annabel Lyon, Michael McKinley, Chuck Palahniuk, and Danielle Trussoni, for sharing part of the journey.

  To Paul Ingram of Prairie Lights Books in Iowa City, Iowa, and to Wes Caliger. In spite of having entertained President Obama the day before I arrived, Paul’s welcome was the kind that every author dreams about.

  To my “Evil Twin” Barbara Peters at The Poisoned Pen, in Scottsdale, Arizona, who leaves the most astonishing plot ideas on my voice mail.

  To the memory of my dear friend David Thompson of Murder by the Book in Houston, Texas, whose shockingly early death in September 2010 has deprived the world of mystery fiction of one of its cornerstones. Known for his encyclopedic knowledge of mystery fiction, David was universally loved by authors and readers alike.

  And to David’s wife, McKenna Jordan of Murder by the Book, and McKenna’s mom, Brenda Jordan, for gentle kindnesses too numerous to count.

  To Dan Mayer and Bob Weitrack of Barnes and Noble, New York; to Ellen Clark, Richard Horseman, Dane Jackson, and Eric Tsai of Borders, Ann Arbor, Michigan.

  To Barb Hudson, Jennie Turner-Collins, and Micheal Fraser of Joseph-Beth Booksellers, in Cincinnati, Ohio, and to Kathy Tirschek, who got me safely to wherever I needed to go.

  With love to the Brysons: Jean, Bill, Barbara, John, Peter, and David, who have always been there.

  To the Ball Street Gang: Bob and Pat Barker, Lillian Barker Hoselton, Jane McCaig, Jim Thomas, and honorary member Linda Hutsell-Manning: together again after half a century. Thomas Wolfe was wrong: You can go home again.

  To Evelyn and Leigh Palmer and to Robert Bruce Thompson, who helped with the chemistry. Any errors remaining are my own.

  I must also acknowledge particular indebtedness to the books that inspired the invention of that peculiar sect, the Hobblers: History and Antiquities of Dissenting Churches and Meeting Houses, in London, Westminster, and Southwark; Including the Lives of Their Ministers, from the Rise of Nonconformism to the Present Time, Walter Gibson, London, 1814, and The History of Baptism, Robert Robinson, Boston, 1817.

  And finally, as always, with love to my wife, Shirley, who makes my life easy by cheerfully doing whatever I leave undone, besides doubling as my personal computer technician. No one is more brilliantly adept at rejuvenating worn-out keyboards and, while she’s at it, removing the crumbs.

  ALAN BRADLEY was born in Toronto and grew up in Cobourg, Ontario. Prior to taking early retirement to write in 1994, he was director of television engineering at the University of Saskatchewan media center for twenty-five years. His versatility has earned him awards for his children’s books, radio broadcasts of his short stories, and national print for his journalism. He also co-authored Ms. Holmes of Baker Street, to great acclaim and much controversy, followed by a poignant memoir, The Shoebox Bible. His first Flavia de Luce mystery, The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie, received the Crime Writers’ Association Debut Dagger Award, the first Saskatchewan Writers Guild Award for Children’s Literature, the Dilys Award, the Agatha Award, and both the Macavity and Barry awards for best first novel. Bradley lives in Malta with his wife and two calculating cats, and is currently working on the next Flavia de Luce mystery.