Sid and Teddy

by H. D. Knightley

  Not at all.

  I had been wasting my time dwelling on her.

  It was time to move on.

  Still there was something about that guy.

  That’s why I went back into the club.

  Sixty-Nine

  Sid

  Watching Teddy’s eyes as he went from confused to understanding was the worst. Worse than a couple of months ago, in the car, when I told him to go away. That was bad, but this was way, way bad. For days now I had been thinking about him. Wanting to see him. Wishing for a time machine because Gavin was so confusing; I didn’t know where I stood much less what I felt.

  And then there Teddy was. Hot. I know I keep saying it, but he was, just in the opposite way from Gavin. Like night and day.

  One was edgy and dark, the other open and smiling.

  One was up on the stage, all bravado and strut and awesome public sexy. Girls were screaming and staring and panting, but I was standing front and center, 83% sure I would go home with him tonight.

  The other? He matched my color and walked straight up with eyes only for me—leaning in, whispering in my ear.

  His face flashed in my mind, Jeez Sid, and oh god, the pain that was there. And beneath the pain, disdain. I hadn’t liked that one bit. Like a punch in the gut to have Teddy look at me like that. I felt ashamed.

  And that sucked.

  Teddy disappeared. Gavin was nowhere to be found. I searched for anyone I recognized, finding Cameron in a corner with Zoe and Erica, I headed over. “Hey guys!”

  Erica asked, “Did you see Teddy? He was here . . .” She stood on tiptoes scanning the room.

  “I saw him for a second.” I took a drink from a water bottle.

  Zoe asked, “So you’re dating that guy from Broken Blasters?”

  All three of them were waiting for my response. Heat rushed up my cheeks. How could I answer that—yes? Gavin and I had never talked about it. I had spent a lot of time at his house, but also a lot of my time not at his house wondering where he was. I said, “I’m here with him.” Then I stood on tiptoes, searching, wondering where he was.

  Zoe, clueless and unfiltered as always, said, “Wow, Teddy must be pissed.” A look passed between Cameron and Erica.

  That heat, up my cheeks, had bloomed into bright red splotches. I didn’t need a mirror to see it, I just knew.

  Suddenly an arm was around my stomach. Gavin pulled tight behind me and buried his face in my neck. He whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Hey beautiful. I was looking for you.” He released me, stepped to my right, and took my hand. “Cameron, you put on a great show tonight.”

  Cameron said, “Thanks, you too, and thank you for the opportunity.”

  “No worries Mate.” Gavin glanced around the circle without noticing or acknowledging Zoe and Erica. Then he took a drink from his beer, scanned the room, pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckle. “Will you excuse me? I have to work the room, my father is gesturing.” He wandered away again.

  Erica said, “He is so hot, you’re so lucky.”

  Zoe laughed. “I’ll say it again, Teddy must be really pissed.”

  I nodded and excused myself to go—anywhere else.

  Seventy

  Teddy

  I showed the doorman my hand stamp for the second time and walked back into the club. I crept along the edge of the crowd, found a back staircase, and returned to the second level. I stood along the wall, away from the railing.

  Down on the floor Sid was alone for a while, then she was talking to Cameron and Zoe and Erica, and then out of nowhere that guy walked up behind her with his fucking swagger, grabbed her around the waist, and—I looked away and watched the roadies set up for the next band.

  The rockstar guy swaggered away. Sid wandered off to stand alone near the stage. I didn’t want to take my eyes off her, but I couldn’t help noticing Gavin bump from group to group talking, smiling, laughing. Then the lights went down and the third band took to the stage and I couldn’t see anything anymore.

  Seventy-One

  Sid

  The next band was amazing. Gavin nuzzled into my ear whenever he saw me, calling me beautiful and telling me how glad he was that I came. Then he disappeared into the crowd to go charm someone else. People stared at me. Girls whispered. I was the one who had the sexy British rockstar’s attention, sometimes. Occasionally.

  I went to the bar for a drink, and Erica joined me in the line and asked, “So where’s Teddy now?”

  “He left a while ago.”

  Her brow knit together, “No he didn’t. I saw him a couple of minutes ago.”

  I quickly scanned the bar area. “Where?”

  “I don’t know. I assumed he was with you, but then again, with that hot guy kissing all over you, he probably isn’t too into it.”

  She ordered a Coke and I ordered another water.

  I returned to my spot in front of the stage during the last song. And then the concert was over. The lights went up. My eyes swept the room. Gavin was speaking with his father. I went over to say hello.

  I walked up. Gavin cut his eyes at me and continued talking. He was an almost exact replica of his father. (Except his dad was wrinkled, that kind of old that rockers get, where it’s impossible to tell their age.) His dad wore his hair in a faux-hawk, his t-shirt and jeans cut tight and formfitting. He wore loads of bracelets. This wasn’t the normal collection of random cheap bracelets though, there was some serious money spent on that wrist. Cash. Rock-and-roll meets old rich guy.

  Gavin was saying, “I know, we had a problem in the second set, but it won’t happen again.”

  His father said, “Make sure of it, you’re too old to be making rookie mistakes like that. And Taylor won’t want to share the stage with you if you behave like a rookie.”

  Gavin’s jaw clenched and he took a swig of a beer.

  His father said, “Who’s this then?”

  Gavin pointed at me, “Sid Dalton,” He pointed at his father, “Alistair Shift. Allie Shift, Sid of the Southbay.”

  His father said, “Ah, Sid, the girl named after Sid Vicious who’s been distracting you from your music? Well, she’s a beauty. Does she write well?”

  “She is a writer.”

  “Maybe she can write those five tweets for tonight you owe me.”

  His father turned away and left for backstage.

  Gavin frowned down at his beer, “I’m sorry about him, I wish I could say he’s not usually like that, but . . .”

  “It’s okay.”

  We stood awkwardly for a minute facing each other. He said, “I have to go backstage, finish up, be the prince of my father’s kingdom. I’ll be back.”

  He followed his father off the floor.

  My gaze went up to the balcony where Teddy was in conversation with Erica. I tried not to watch him. Tried to look busy, uninterested, but it was difficult standing all by myself in a crowded room.

  Twenty minutes later Gavin rushed up, beer in hand, and swept me into his arms. He pulled me up close tight and kissed me on my neck. “God Sid, I feel like I haven’t even seen you tonight.” He kissed me on the lips. “I missed you. Ready to go home? I mean, not your home, my home, I mean—that doesn’t sound as smooshed as I hoped.”

  I laughed, “How much have you had to drink?”

  “Too much to drive, poss-bly too much to work my phone. We might have to walk.” He kissed my ear, hot and wet.

  I said, “I’ll call Uber and get you home.”

  “Only if you stay, stay, you have to stay.” He kissed me all over my cheeks, my neck, my lips. “Have I told you, Sid of the Southbay, how much I adore you?” He smelled of beer which wasn’t the greatest, but also sweat from the show. He was the sexy guy who had been up on the stage, that everyone, literally everyone, in the room wanted to go home with. But he was kissing me.

  The house lights turned on and a bouncer said, “Time to end the fun, kids—end of the night, grab your stuff, out you go!”

&
nbsp; Gavin laughed, “Grab my stuff!” He picked me up by my thighs and carried me, my legs wrapped around his waist, to the door.

  I laughed in his ear. “Hilarious Gavin.”

  “Oh that’s right, we don’t have to go out the front door with the rest of the rabble, I’m a backdoor man.” He turned us around, my legs still wrapped around his waist, to go backstage and suddenly, Teddy was there, walking past us, leaving the bar. We brushed him in the doorway, and his eyes met mine with a small nod.

  Seventy-Two

  Teddy

  I watched her all night. Like a stalker, like a creep, but I had to, or else it wouldn’t sink in. Gavin was so impossibly absolutely wrong, yet Sid kept looking at him so adoringly, waiting so patiently, smiling so happily, that the whole thing seemed like a bad joke. But Cameron said they were together.

  It was—I couldn’t breathe.

  I sat on a stool, my head getting lower and lower. Slinking around, trying not to be seen. He kept leaving her alone, on her own, but in the end swaggered up and wouldn’t stop kissing her. Erica walked up and followed my eyes, “Ouch,” she said, and it was true. But also a serious understatement. She and Zoe and Cameron left to go home and I stayed, planted, I didn’t want to watch but—his hand pushed up under the back of her shirt. He gripped under her ass and picked her up, her legs wrapping around his waist. God.

  They disappeared. Sid was being carried out through the front door. I stumbled down the stairs and pushed to the door to follow them to the street. But instead, there they were, turning around. Sid’s arms wrapped around the back of his head, a smile—her fucking bedroom smile. Then she looked up and her eyes met mine.

  I nodded and looked away. Because that was it. The end.

  I picked up my car from the valet and drove back to Santa Barbara that night.

  Seventy-Three

  Sid

  On the way home Gavin kept trying to put his hand up my shirt, kissing me, flirting, and being too wild and carefree for the back of a stranger’s car, but funny and sweet too. I batted his hand away and luckily the ride was only about eight minutes. We could have walked, but there was some serious drunkenness going on.

  I let us in the front door and Gavin said, “So that’s me father, Allie Shit, I mean, Shift, whatcha think?” He went to the refrigerator and pulled out another beer and popped it open.

  “I think you’ve had too much to drink.”

  “Probably.” He gave me a half smile. He took a swig of the beer and then slouched down on the couch. “What am I going to do?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve got this career and this father and—and you don’t want to hear this stuff.”

  I came and sat beside him on the couch. I put my arm around him. “I do, I want to hear it.”

  He said, “He could make my career, with a snap.” He attempted to snap his fingers but couldn’t get them to make a noise. Sidetracked, he tried three more times. “Instead he helps everyone else and—Fuck.”

  “That must suck. What’s your mom like?”

  “My mom was his second wife, of four. He was her first husband, of three. My family’s complicated. That’s why I live here. To enjoy their infrequent visits. I’m sorry. Let’s do something else.” He pushed me back, kissing me, hand up my shirt for real.

  He pulled my bra up instead of off and kissed my chest and then nuzzled in. “I love you Sid of the Southbay.” And then his body grew still and heavy and in about four seconds he was snoring asleep.

  I waited about five minutes before I shoved him over and climbed out from under. I yanked my bra back down. Gavin slept soundly through all of that.

  I checked my phone.

  There were texts from Teddy from earlier at the concert:

  I need to talk to you.

  Can we talk please?

  Somewhere private?

  Then about an hour later:

  Never mind.

  Tears welled up. Was Teddy okay? Definitely not. Would he be okay? I tried to imagine seeing him with someone else, but couldn’t bear the thought. He had been so present in my life for so long—my Teddy. And now he was gone. It was like I was waking up to the fact that he was gone and wondering why I hadn’t noticed before. It was like I had put him on a shelf and just assumed he would be there when I came back.

  But he was a living breathing feeling person and that was a dick move.

  And then I didn’t get him down from the shelf. I got distracted by gorgeous boy the musician and forgot that I was breaking Teddy’s heart, and now it was—

  I leaned on Gavin’s kitchen counter, rereading texts, worrying about Teddy and feeling such despair—again. Always the sadness. I was a disappointment to Teddy. I made him so sad, that I disappointed myself.

  Not Gavin though. I looked into the living room. Gavin was sound asleep, his arm, covered in bracelets, swung out, boots still on. Gavin—he needed me. He took me home at the end of the night. I was the bright spot in his tough days. He adored me, and he had just told me he loved me.

  I left Gavin a note and called Uber to take me home.

  Seventy-Four

  Notes and Texts

  Gavin,

  Your show was great, I’m headed home for some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.

  xox,

  Sid

  The next night, late, I got these texts from Gavin:

  Sid you there?

  Yes.

  I woke up and you were gone.

  Just now?

  Because a whole day happened.

  ;o)

  No, I had to do dinner

  and meetings

  with dad

  something cool happened.

  Can you come over?

  I want to celebrate.

  It’s really late.

  Please.

  You could Uber.

  You need to learn how to drive.

  True that.

  Dad’s off work tomorrow

  I was thinking about going

  to the beach.

  I can’t get you

  I’ve been drinking.

  Please Uber.

  I can’t live without my Sid.

  you make it sound

  so desperate.

  It will be worth it.

  Seventy-Five

  Sid

  I got to Gavin’s about 11:45 p.m. He met me at the door and wrapped me in his arms. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too.” He pulled me into his front entrance hall and pulled my shirt over my head. I laughed. “You missed me or my body?”

  “Body, guilty. But in my defense, I was with my father and all these musicians and some radio execs, and I had to be rockstar all day. It’s exhausting being my father’s son. I need some Sid-time to relax.”

  He tugged my bra off, tossed it away, and walked backwards pulling me toward the couch.

  “You said you had good news?”

  “Steve, my dad’s head guy, negotiated a radio contract. Two of my singles will be released over the next two months. And played, on the radio.”

  I threw my arms around his head, “That’s awesome! Which songs?”

  He pulled back to say, “If Inhaled and Astrobrights—”

  “My favorites! When do they play them? I can’t wait to hear them on the radio!”

  He groaned and bent and wrapped around my chest, “I can’t concentrate. You took your shirt off earlier and—”

  I laughed, “You are such a smooth operator.”

  He pulled back, serious, “I’m not. I’m a mess, and you’re the only thing I have that makes sense. The only thing.” He kissed up my neck and carried me into the bedroom to the bed.

  We woke up the next morning. Gavin wrapped around me, spooning, holding on. I nestled in. “Good morning,” He kissed the back of my head, and we lay there, half in and out of sleep for a long long time. I nestled my hands inside of his and kissed his fingertips.

  He asked, “What’s that guy’s deal, from the conc
ert?”

  “Who? Teddy?”

  “Yeah, what does he mean to you?”

  “I told you. He and I grew up together.”

  “So you’re just friends.”

  “Yeah, or no, we aren’t friends anymore. Why?”

  “Because he looked like he wanted to be more. Promise me nothing is going on?”

  I blinked. “Nothing is going on.”

  He pulled me flat on my back and rolled on top.

  “Promise me again.” He looked in my eyes.

  “I promise and stop that. Don’t be like that.”

  “I just . . .” He rolled off me and threw an arm over his eyes. “I’m leaving, I have to go back to London.”

  “What?”

  “Just for a while. Now that this deal has been signed, we go back. There’s a tour, an album release, interviews. Besides that, my visa is out.”

  “How long?”

  “Six months.”

  “Oh.” I searched for something to say. There had been no clues, no hints that this was happening. My brain couldn’t keep up. Gavin was leaving? It had been a month. “You never mentioned it.”

  “Well, I didn’t know you’d still be around. Plus, it depended on the contract we signed last night. I didn’t want to tell you until I knew for sure.”

  I looked up at the ceiling, “Is that why you were so worried about Teddy, you wanted to be sure you could leave me and I’d—”

  “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”