Forever An Ex

by Victoria Christopher Murray

  “Good morning.” Mrs. Henderson stepped into the house with the kind of cheer that came from already being awake for hours.

  “Good morning and thank you for coming over so early.”

  “That’s okay, baby. You know I was going to be here anyway to whip up breakfast for you and your dad.” She paused and took her smile away for just a moment. “You’re gonna need all your strength today.”

  I just smiled because I didn’t want to tell her that like sleep, my appetite had failed me. Even the sight of food made me feel just a little bit sick.

  But while Mrs. Henderson made her way to the kitchen, I dashed to the bathroom, showered, and slipped back into the sweatsuit that I’d worn yesterday. The entire time my head was filled with thoughts of the funeral. I scanned through the checklist in my mind and the only reason I could think of for Pastor to be calling had to be the programs. Something had gone wrong with the programs.

  Before I left, I peeked in on my father, and then asked Mrs. Henderson to let him sleep as long as possible.

  “Okay, baby,” she said.

  But she already had the skillet sizzling on the stove and I knew by the time she dropped strips of bacon in there, my dad would be up and on his feet. He had to watch his diet while he was on chemotherapy, but I figured I wouldn’t talk to him about diet. Not today.

  Even for a Thursday, this was early, and so with the before-seven traffic, I made it to the church in just a little over fifteen minutes. It was easy to park right across from Hope Chapel, something that I was never able to do since Kelso Street was always filled with cars.

  I turned off the engine, then stared at my home church. It wasn’t hard for me to imagine the scene that would unfold here in just a few hours. I could see the hearse and the two limousines that would be following Sabrina to her resting place.

  And I wondered . . . was there any way for me to get out of attending the funeral? I’d been able to work it with the wake last night—I’d told everyone that I was waiting for an important call from the insurance company. Of course, that wasn’t true, but no one knew it. Would anyone believe that lie today?

  I’d have to think about that some more, but I couldn’t handle it right now. I had to get in to see Pastor Ford.

  The door to my pastor’s outer office was open, and when she heard my footsteps, she called out, “Kendall?”

  “Yes, Pastor.”

  I had barely stepped into her office before she rushed around her desk and squeezed me in a tight embrace.

  “How are you?” she asked as she held my hand and led me to her sofa.

  “I’m good. I was just worried that something had happened with Sabrina’s services. I was thinking the programs?”

  Pastor shook her head. “Everything is fine. I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Okay.”

  “Would you like some coffee?” Pastor Ford said as she stood and walked toward the brewer that she had in the corner of her office.

  I shook my head. Really, I would never be rude to my pastor, but I hoped that she didn’t call me over here to have a little chat. I mean, didn’t she know all that I had to do? My plan this morning was to do all the follow-up, call the florist, call the police escorts, check in with the cemetery. I had to make sure that everything went as smoothly as any other event that I was responsible for.

  But either my pastor didn’t know my schedule or she didn’t care. She took her time pouring her coffee, took her time coming back to the sofa, and took her time sitting down.

  I was just about to scream when she said, “Have you been to the funeral home?”

  “What?” I blinked. I was so tired I couldn’t even hear what my pastor was saying. It sounded like she’d asked if I’d been to the funeral home. What did that have to do with anything?

  And then she repeated her question and I was shocked that I had heard her right. “To the funeral home?” I asked, because I needed some kind of explanation to understand this question.

  She took a sip of her coffee and nodded. “To the funeral home to see Sabrina.”

  Why in the world would she ask me this? “No,” I said. “I’ve been busy handling other things.”

  “Too busy to see your sister?”

  What is the point? I wanted to ask her. Was seeing her going to bring Sabrina back? Was seeing her going to give me a chance to make it all right? But I reeled in my attitude and said, “There’s been a lot for me to do, Pastor.”

  Pastor Ford sipped more coffee, then placed the cup and saucer on the table beside us.

  Turning back to me, she took my hands inside of hers. “I love you, Kendall.”

  And the burning began in my stomach.

  “I love you and I know you. I know that you spent six years in a very dark place.”

  The burning began to rise inside of me.

  “And I’m not going to let you do that again.”

  Now she lost me. If she were to just ask me whether or not I’d forgiven Sabrina, I would’ve told her that I had. Death fixed all of that. Her death had punished me.

  Pastor said, “You went through something awful, and I know that you were beginning to move forward, and so there is no way that I’m going to let you go back.” She let go of my hands and then held my face, forcing me to look straight at her. “No more unforgiveness in your heart. Now you must forgive yourself.”

  “Forgive myself for what, Pastor?” I asked, snatching myself away from Pastor Ford. I stood and looked down at her. “For never forgiving Sabrina?”

  “No,” she said calmly, staying on the sofa. “That’s not what I’m talking about, because you have forgiven Sabrina, haven’t you?”

  “Yes!” I cried. “But only because she died and now it’s too late. Because I never got to tell her that. She doesn’t know that I’ve forgiven her.”

  “But that forgiveness was never for Sabrina.” Pastor Ford moved her hands, punctuating each word. “That forgiveness was always for you. That was something that I was trying so hard to get you to understand. That a heart that was hardened with unforgiveness only hurt you. It never hurt Sabrina.”

  I covered my face with my hands, hoping that I could hold back the burning emotions that swelled inside of me.

  Pastor Ford said, “Yes, she loved you and wanted a relationship with you. But in spite of how you felt about her, in spite of how you treated her, Sabrina moved on with her life. With joy and happiness. You were the one who suffered. You were the one who was left with that bitter pill you swallowed every day. You are the one who hasn’t experienced complete joy in your life. And that’s why I’m not going to let you go down this road again.

  “I want you to have the life you deserve and you will never have that as long as there is any unforgiveness in your heart. Learn from this, Kendall. Live now with an open heart. An open heart that can give love fully—to your father, to your niece, to Anthony and all of your friends. And I want you to have an open heart so that you can receive love, because I know that God’s not through with you yet. You were born to be a wife and He has someone for you, but your heart has to be able to receive love. You will never live the life you deserve with a hardened heart.” She paused. “So forgive yourself, Kendall. Forgive.”

  That burning rumbled up through me, pausing first to leave a fiery lump in my throat and then escaping through my lips in wrenching sobs. I crumbled down onto the sofa and into my pastor’s arms.

  “I’m just so sorry,” I cried.

  “I know you are. God’s forgiven you, your sister is smiling down on you. So go ahead and forgive yourself.”

  And I cried. And I cried as my pastor held me. I cried until for the first time in years, I truly felt relief.

  Chapter

  Forty-Two

  I hadn’t been sure that I would be able to do this, but after that talk with my pastor, I knew that I could.

/>   I held my father’s hand as we marched into the church after Pastor Ford. Behind us, Anthony walked side by side with his brother. I’d been so glad to see D’Angelo this morning. Not for me, but for Anthony.

  It was Anthony who wanted my father to walk into the church first, and that gesture reminded me just how generous of a man he’d always been. As we stepped slowly down the aisle while Pastor Ford read from the fourteenth chapter of John, I glanced at the solemn faces that stared at us. So many I knew, so many I didn’t. There were church members, of course, and a few people from my business. Closer to the front were the people I loved the most: Sheridan and Brock, Christopher and his new wife, and Asia, and even Angel had come with her.

  Then we took the seat of honor, next to Anthony and D’Angelo in the front row.

  As the service began, I kept my eyes on the golden casket and tried to imagine my sister inside of that coffin. I just couldn’t do it. But in my mind’s eye, I could see her so clearly. And, I could hear her, too . . .

  “Kendall!”

  It was just a whisper, but even at the kitchen table, I could hear Sabrina calling from our bedroom.

  “Kendall!”

  I pushed my seventh-grade math book aside and rushed to my sister.

  “Kendall!” Sabrina reached her arms up to me.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked as I sat on the edge of her bed and held her.

  “I had a bad dream.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. But you know it was just a dream, right?”

  She nodded.

  “Do you want me to turn on the light?”

  She shook her head. “No, ’cause Mama said we have to save lectressity.”

  “Do you mean ‘electricity’?”

  She nodded.

  “Okay. Then we won’t turn on the light, but you know what I’m gonna do?” She shook her head. “I’m gonna lie in the bed with you until you go back to sleep, okay?”

  She nodded.

  I climbed into the twin bed and pushed my body against the wall so that Sabrina would have enough room. Then I wrapped my arms around her and said, “Is that better?”

  “Uh-huh. I’m not scared anymore. I’m never scared with you, Kendall.”

  “That’s good.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too . . .”

  The memories kept coming, like a video stream of the greatest hits, the best of times with my sister. I remembered it all. Her first day at kindergarten and how she was so proud that she had homework. She’d sat at the table with me, and while I tackled algebra, she’d colored a picture of a princess and tried to stay inside the lines.

  And then, as the years went by and her homework became more challenging, we’d sit together every night, Sabrina just as determined as I was to get straight A’s.

  “I’m going to UCLA just like you!” she’d exclaimed when I’d received my acceptance letter and scholarship. “And then we can be roomies again.”

  “No, golden girl,” my father had said. “Kendall will be long gone by the time you go to college.”

  Sabrina had been so disappointed by that news, but I’d promised her on that day that no matter what, in a way we’d always be roomies because we had each other’s heart.

  The service continued through the scripture readings and song selections and acknowledgments, but I barely heard any of it. I didn’t even want to hear, not really. All I wanted to do was think about Sabrina.

  And so, I just let the memories go on. Until it was time to say good-bye.

  When they opened the casket, I turned away and instead focused on the well-wishers who streamed by. Who said their good-byes to Sabrina, then turned to us with more words of condolence. I greeted everyone with a hug, even people I did not know. I had to because it gave me something to do.

  It came to the point where I couldn’t delay this anymore. Anthony whispered to his brother, who reached for my father, and together they went up to say their good-byes. I breathed, relieved. No one expected me to go up to the casket, and for that, I was grateful.

  As my father’s body convulsed with his cries, I was so glad that he was with D’Angelo, who stood next to him and held him, even as he leaned over to kiss his golden girl. Then D’Angelo brought my father back to the pew.

  But before I could take my father’s hand, Anthony reached for me. “Come on,” he whispered.

  I wanted to protest, but before I could, I had already taken the five steps to the casket. And as Anthony held me, I looked down at my sister and sobbed. Even in death, she was just gorgeous. Sleeping Beauty.

  And, she was smiling. A smile meant for me, I had a feeling.

  I stood there for a moment, then leaned over and gently kissed her forehead. “I’m so sorry, Sabrina. I will always love you.”

  And this with a final gasp, I turned around. My father was standing right behind me. And we hugged. And we sobbed. Together.

  • • •

  I was a teenager when my mom passed away, so I should’ve remembered. But I didn’t remember this many people being in our house. There was hardly room to move around, but that didn’t seem to bother any of the almost one hundred people who were eating and drinking and chatting. It felt festive, a celebration of life, exactly the way my father wanted it.

  But about four hours had passed now since we all said good-bye to Sabrina and left her to the hands of the Inglewood Park Cemetery workers. And it had been about three hours since my friends had taken one look inside my father’s home and told me that they would catch me later. Even D’Angelo had stayed for only a couple of minutes.

  “I have to make a quick trip out of the city,” he told me as he gave me a hug. “I’ll call you when I get back.”

  I’d watched every one of my friends drive off and I’d almost wanted to run after each car, begging them to take me, too. But I had to stay. I had to be here for my father.

  The kitchen was as packed as the living room, but at least by being in the kitchen, I was closer to the place where I knew I could go to get some air. I eased my way through the crowd, twisting and turning, making my own path until I got to the hallway. Then I rushed to my bedroom and closed the door behind me.

  The chatter, though muted, made its way through the door, but it was so much better in here. Compared to what was out there, it was almost silent.

  I sat on my bed and allowed my mind to wander through the events of the day. But no matter what I tried to focus on, I kept going back to one thing. Seeing Sabrina sleeping. That’s how she looked to me. Like she was just asleep. She looked like she’d seen the face of God and had nothing but joy.

  The expression on her face wasn’t much different today than it had been the first time I saw her, the first time I had the chance to look down onto her face . . .

  I’d been standing behind my mother when she opened the door for my father and he’d rushed in with a baby doll.

  For me? The excitement of this made me tremble. My birthday was still a week away, but I guessed my father remembered that I wanted one of those new talking dolls. I clapped my hands. “Yay, a new baby doll.”

  “Not a doll, baby girl. This is a real baby.” And then my father had glanced at my mother. She looked like she had tears in her eyes and I was just about to ask her why when my dad said, “Do you want to hold her, baby girl?”

  “Can I? Please?”

  My dad nodded and pointed to the sofa. I couldn’t sit down fast enough. Then I held out my arms and my father placed the pink-bundled baby into my arms. She was so beautiful with hair that looked like it was gold, long curvy eyelashes, and lips that had so much pink on them I thought she was wearing lipstick. The only thing was, her skin was a little yellow. And I wished that it was more brown, like mine.

  “This is your little sister,” my dad said.

  I looked up at him, not quite understa
nding. “My sister?”

  My dad nodded, and when I looked at my mom, she nodded, too. But after that, she ran into her bedroom.

  “Daddy, what’s wrong with Mommy?”

  For a moment he looked as sad as my mother. Then he shook his head. “I think she’s not feeling very well, but I’ll take care of your mom. I’ll make sure that she’s happy. You just help me take care of your sister, okay?”

  “Okay!” That sounded like a fantastic deal to me. I loved this wiggling, gurgling baby already . . .

  I sighed. For many years, I’d kept that promise and I’d done all I could to take care of Sabrina. Until . . . I shook my head. I didn’t want to go back there. There was no need to go back to what had happened. It was over. All of it was over.

  I’d wanted to be alone, but when I heard the knock on the door, I felt a little bit of relief. Just about anyone would make good company right now. “Come in.”

  The door opened and the best company possible walked in. I smiled the way I used to when I saw Anthony. But now I smiled because of what he held in his hands. A pink-bundled baby.

  “Mind if we come in?”

  I shook my head. “No, come on. Just close the door.”

  He chuckled. “I know what you mean. There’re a lot of folks out there.” But though I’d invited him in, he took tentative steps toward me. As if he wasn’t quite sure.

  I helped him out. I reached up and held my arms open. Exactly the way I’d done all those years before when Sabrina was a baby. He lowered Ciara into my arms and I held my niece for the first time.

  As I cradled her in my arms, I studied her the way I didn’t the day Sabrina had brought her into my office. And I could see that Ciara was definitely her mother’s child. Yes, she was the same gorgeous chocolate as Anthony. But the rest was all Sabrina. Ciara’s golden hair, her long lashes, and lips with so much color she looked like she was wearing lipstick.

  “My goodness!” I said.

  “Yup,” Anthony agreed, already knowing what I was thinking. “She looks just like Sabrina.”