New Beginnings

by Megan Keith

  Instantly I reached for my phone to call my mother. The letter from ‘Burns & Co. Lawyers’ must have been a mistake. These things take weeks, months even, surely things like this don’t happen overnight and I’d not heard of anyone in my family dying in recent months. The only Estelle I knew was my grandmother. She can’t be dead, I would know.

  “Hello Bianca.”

  “Mum, it’s the strangest thing. I just received a letter … Do I have more than one relative named Estelle? Nan’s name is Estelle Summers, right? This says Estelle Williams.” Mum’s silence on the other end of the line is confirmation that she knows exactly what I’m talking about, but I need to hear her say it. “Mum? Did Nan die?”

  “I meant to tell you.” Mum’s voice is small; the quietest I’ve ever heard it.

  “What? When? When did she die?” I feel my anger rising. “Mum?” I yell.

  “It was about two months ago.” I can hear the guilt in her voice.

  “What?” A gasp leaves my body. My heart is hammering in my chest. “I don’t understand. Why does it say Williams?”

  “Summers is my maiden name. You have my name. Your dad was a Williams.”

  “He was? How did I not know that?” Tears prick my eyes. “How could you not tell me something like that? My grandmother died!”

  “She wasn’t part of our lives, Bianca. I didn’t think it would matter to you.”

  “Of course it matters!” I scream into my phone just as I hear my front door open. Seth peers into the lounge room. A worried look appearing on his handsome face. “All of this matters! How could you not tell me?”

  “You’d just broken up with Dean. It wasn’t a good time.”

  “It’s never a good time for death, Mum! You should have told me!”

  “I know, I’m sorry-”

  I speak over the top of her, “How did she…?”

  “Cancer. I didn’t know until she was gone, Bianca. It wouldn’t have changed anything if I’d told you.”

  “It would. I could have at least gone to the funeral!”

  After a moment’s silence, she adds, “I honestly didn’t think … You were just a little kid the last time you saw her and-”

  “It’s no excuse.” Seth’s arm encircles my shoulder and that’s when I realised there are tears streaming down my face. “It’s no excuse, Mum.”

  “I’m sorry, Bianca. I’m-” I don’t care to hear any more. I hang up on her. Throwing my phone down on the couch, I allow Seth to engulf me. I uncontrollably sob into his chest, not caring that I’m soaking his white business shirt as the comfort he is offering is what I need right now. I don’t need anything more in this world. And I sure as hell don’t need my mother! How could she?

  Eventually my tears dry out and I find that Seth and I are a tangle of limbs on the lounge room floor. I don’t even remember sitting. Seth is running a comforting hand through my hair and I lift my head to see the warmth of his brown eyes. I loosen my death grip from the lapels of his suit jacket.

  “My grandmother died.” Tears threaten to fall yet again.

  “I’m so sorry, B.”

  “Mum didn’t even tell me. She died months ago and no one told me! I got this letter in the mail regarding her estate … I didn’t even get to go to her funeral.” I hand him the letter and my tears dry up, replaced with anger once more. “How could Mum be so cruel?”

  “I don’t understand it.” Seth shakes his head. The crinkle of his brow and his obvious concern for me is overwhelming. I’ve never had someone I could lean on, like I know I can with Seth. I sit in silence while he reads the letter.

  “Estelle was my father’s mother,” I explain. “I don’t have strong memories of her. Or my Dad but I still remember how much I loved him. And I remember how much my Nan loved him too. I remember how sad she used to get when she looked at me, because I reminded her of him. She loved me too!”

  “Of course she did.” He squeezes my shoulder.

  “And I wasn’t there for her. All these years, I wasn’t there for her. She loved me and I wasn’t there.” I angrily swipe at the tears that are flowing once again. “I have no right to be this upset.”

  “Of course you do!”

  “No. I don’t. I was a terrible granddaughter. I hadn’t seen her for years. Ugh! I feel so guilty for what might have been. The relationship we could have had.”

  Seth

  “When did you see her last?” I ask Bianca, not knowing how else to comfort her. The only thing I can think of is to keep her talking. Keeping these things bottled up never does anyone any good. Tahlia is proof of that. It took years for her to come to terms with what happened; the night the man entered our house and took away her childhood by landing in her room. If she hadn’t kept her thoughts to herself I’m positive she would have worked through it sooner.

  Not that Bianca’s situation is anything like that. But I have to do something. Holding her and talking to her seems to be all that I can do. And being by her side is the only place I want to be.

  “Um,” she lets out a shaky sigh, “I think when she came to my birthday party … when I turned twelve? Or maybe thirteen? I hadn’t seen her for a while and I remember how excited I was … Mum and Nan had a falling out after that. I don’t even know the details, I just know I didn’t see her ever again. But Nan always…” Her body trembles and she starts sobbing again.

  “So you last saw her, what, twelve years ago?” I rub her arm as I speak, it seems to calm her.

  “Yeah,” she replies but doesn’t lift her head.

  “Bianca, look at me.” When I catch her tear filled eyes, I continue, “You were just a kid. No matter what happened between your Mum and her, you can’t be held accountable for the relationship breakdown.”

  “Yeah, but-”

  “No buts!” It makes me so angry that she’s taking the blame upon herself. “You were a child, she was the adult. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She should have chased you if she wanted a relationship with you. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, particularly of someone I’ve never met, but I don’t want you to beat yourself up either. If anyone should be feeling guilty here it’s not you, it’s your Nan and your Mum. That’s probably why she left you all this.”

  “You think so?” Her face pales. “She went to her grave feeling guilty over not having me in her life?” She bows her head and starts to cry again.

  “B, you’re missing the point.”

  “What point? I’m an adult now. I could have got in contact with her!” Her anger boils over into rage, her arms flailing about. “Now it’s too late!”

  “Hey, hey, calm down.” I squeeze her body to mine. “You can’t go on thinking about what might have been. Just think of the positives.” I feel her body start to lose some of its tension and I know she’s waiting for me to elaborate. “Even though she couldn’t show you when she was alive, and she should have tried when she got sick, she obviously still loved and cared about you enough to put you in her will. That’s got to count for something – her love.”

  “I suppose so.”

  “I know so. It’s a shame she didn’t get to see the beautiful woman you’ve become. She really lucked out.”

  Silence descends the room and Bianca allows me to hold her as her breathing finally slows.

  “Twenty grand,” she murmurs into my chest. “What am I gonna do with that?”

  “And the rest.”

  “Huh?”

  “Didn’t you read the whole letter? Twenty grand is just the cash she left.”

  “What?” She looks up to me for answers before again squeezing her eyes shut tight. “Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.” She curls back into my arms and again she’s shivering. I don’t know if it’s just the shock of everything or if she’s actually cold. I help her to stand and take her to bed so that I can wrap her in the doona and comfort her some more. As I tuck her in she speaks: “I shouldn’t have let Mum stand in the way of my relationship with her. And now it’s too late, she’
s gone and I never even got the chance to make things right.”

  I lie beside her and run my fingers through her hair. As I look down at her puffy red eyes I can’t help but think about how beautiful she is. No matter that her hair is matted and her face is blotchy, Bianca is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen. And whether those thoughts are appropriate for right now is irrelevant.

  “We’ll find out where she is, B. The cemetery or crematorium or whatever. I’ll take you to say your goodbye.” I will do anything to take away some of her pain. Anything.

  “You will?”

  “Of course. Whatever you need. Tell me what I can do.”

  “Just hold me.”

  And so I do. I quickly stand to remove my suit jacket and then I wrap my arms around her and hold her until she falls asleep.

  Bianca

  Goodnight, sweet dreams, I love you. See you in the morning. The words repeat in my mind as I drift from dream to dream. I’m not sure if they’re a memory from my grandmother, something she said when I was little, or if they’re something Seth said as I was falling asleep. No, surely not. Either way they give me comfort and the dreams of my father do, too. He’s never clear in my dreams, just like he’s never clear in my memories, but I know that he’s there. I know that he loves me and that he’s watching over me and it allows me to sleep.

  ***

  My heart is pounding so hard when I read the letter through my blurred and scratchy eyes. I re-read it numerous times over the next couple of days, before I believe it. Sure enough the cash is just the beginning. In the shock of everything I hadn’t read any further than that the first time. Nan’s will states that I stand to inherit the proceeds from her house, which she has requested be sold, as well as all of her worldly possessions. I am her sole heir. That only makes me sadder, the fact that I was all she had and yet she didn’t have me at all. Not even one bit.

  The lawyer requested me to contact him regarding any personal items that I may want to stake a claim on before the house goes on the market. At first I thought no, but when I called him to tell him that it occurred to me that I needed to see her things, whether I kept them or not, I needed to do that. She would also have photographs of my father and I couldn’t possibly just tell the lawyer to throw those away. So I found myself making a time to meet Mr. Burns at his office instead.

  To say the meeting was strange would be an understatement. It was all very official and without emotion (on his part anyway, I had trouble keeping my eyes from watering the entire time). Mr. Burns told me that, as per the will, he’d already had one real estate agent take a look at the property and was waiting on two others to evaluate it before he signed with one of them to sell it. He asked if I was happy for him to continue to do that and I couldn’t possibly think of a reason for me to intervene. I explained our history and the fact that I hadn’t seen my grandmother in over a decade and he was more than willing to act on my behalf to handle the sale of the property. I was tempted to ask how much the first agent had valued the house at … it just felt wrong so I kept my mouth shut.

  Mr. Burns gave me a spare set of keys to Nan’s house and the address, and I was just about to leave his office when he informed me: “The rental payments will cease at the end of the month.” When I told him I had no clue what he was on about, he elaborated – it turns out Nan had been subsidising my rent for the entire six years I’d lived in my house. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I left that office feeling so out of touch with reality, so lost to a tsunami of thoughts, that I don’t even remember how I got home.

  Or how long I’ve been sitting here in the lounge when a knock at my front door startles me. I’d asked Seth not to come over. When he’d called me this morning, apologising for not being there when I woke, I’d told him I was fine. And when he called again this afternoon I assured him that I was doing okay and that I didn’t want him to come over. It felt mean, after he’d been so wonderful to me last night, but I’d told him I needed space. And I did. I needed time to process everything. And I didn’t want my messed up head to interfere with my feelings with Seth.

  I’m surprised to find it so dark outside when I open the door and I’m also surprised to find Scar and Ben standing on my doorstep. In my spaced out state I had completely forgotten to check in with Scar since I’d called her this morning to tell her I wasn’t coming in to work.

  One look at Scar’s concerned face and I burst into tears, launching myself into her arms.

  “Oh honey,” she says as she wraps her arms around me and then pulls me into the lounge room. “I saw Seth earlier. He said you didn’t want visitors but I don’t care.”

  That only makes me cry harder. Where would I be without my good friend Scar? Ben gives me a sympathetic smile over her shoulder and a pat on the back, then heads to the kitchen. By the time he returns with drinks I’ve calmed down somewhat.

  “I remember when I first came to the open house for this place,” I motion to the room around us, “when this house was vacant and up for lease. I’d pre-filled an application with the real estate agent but after looking through the house and finding out the cost, I’d told the woman it was out of my price range. I never really questioned when she called me a week later with a reduced rental rate.”

  “What are you talking about, B?” Scar asks.

  “Apparently Nan was friends with the owner of this house. I have no idea how she found out that I was looking to rent it but she made a deal with my landlord.”

  “What kind of deal?”

  “She paid part of my rent so I could afford it. All this time I thought I was just lucky and it turns out she was paying for me to live here.”

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Ben practically shouts.

  I shake my head and wipe the last of my tears away. It really does seem surreal. “Why would she do that? How? I just … I don’t understand.”

  “That’s sweet, in a weird, creepy kind of way.” Scar pulls a funny face that makes me smile.

  “It really is.”

  “I suppose it was her way of providing for you,” Ben intervenes. “She was making sure you were happy.”

  “I guess. Still, she could have come forward, said something, I don’t know. If she wanted my happiness why didn’t she want me?” Scar rubs my back and I fight back more tears. “I’m going to Nan’s house tomorrow. To look through her things … see if there is anything I want.” I absently stare into the room. “It will be so weird. I don’t even remember the house.”

  “I can shuffle things around and come with you, if you like.” I stare at my, now blue-haired, friend for a moment before responding.

  “Thanks Scar, but I think it will be better if I go by myself.”

  “Well, if you change your mind, let me know okay?” Scar offers me a weak smile.

  “Okay. Thanks.” I take a swig of my soft drink and it makes my stomach queasy. I can’t remember the last time I ate.

  “Hey, Renee had her baby today,” Scar says, her smile turning into a full blown grin. “A girl. They haven’t named her yet.”

  “That’s great news!” I’m smiling for the first time since I opened that envelope.

  “Yeah,” Ben pipes up. “Scott was a mess when he called me. All crying and shit.” Ben laughs and I can’t help but join him, just imagining the sight of tough guy Scott all mushy is enough to make anyone emotional. “Renee breezed through the birth apparently.”

  “We were thinking of visiting the hospital tomorrow night if you want to come with,” Scar adds.

  I nod. “I’d like that.”

  “Good. We’ll call you and pick you up on the way.”

  “Okay.” I nod.

  “In the meantime, I’m starved. What have you got to eat in this place?” Ben asks, stretching his tattooed arms above his head. “Do you want to order a pizza or something?” His hopeful eyes dart from me to Scar.

  “I could go a pizza,” Scar answers just as I respond with, “I’m not hungry
.”

  “Pizza it is!” Ben gives me a pointed look before disappearing into the kitchen with a, “Gotta eat B!” yelled over his shoulder.

  Scar smiles at me. “You can’t argue with that.”

  I offer her a weak smile in return. No, I guess you can’t. And though eating is the last thing I feel like doing, having Scar and Ben here for pizza makes my heart feel a little lighter. I’m lucky to have these two. They’re more family than my own mother. Speaking of…

  “I haven’t spoken to her,” I tell Scar. “She hasn’t called either. How am I supposed to forgive her for this?” I don’t need to explain to Scar that I’m talking about Mum, she gets me. “I’m so angry!”

  “I know. It was a shitty thing to do.”

  “It really was.”

  “Don’t worry about her. You’ve got enough on your plate dealing with your Nan’s things for now.”

  Seth

  I felt like shit having to leave Bianca fast asleep in bed this morning. Knowing what she’s going through I wanted nothing more than to be there for her. But I had a team meeting that I really needed to be at the head of and when I woke, still dressed in yesterday’s suit I had to nick home first. I couldn’t wake her, not when she was finally resting peacefully, and so I left. And though she has insisted all day that she just needed time alone, I can’t help but feel the need to be by her side. And that’s why I find myself calling her again at eight o’clock.

  “Hello,” she answers with a giggle. Not at all what I was expecting. Is this the girl who broke down in my arms last night?

  “Well, someone sounds happier.” It’s a relief to hear and I smile, until I hear voices in the background. I can’t help but feel disappointment and jealousy that someone else, someone who isn’t me, is causing her mood to lift.