The Hero of Hope Springs

by Maisey Yates

  Insult to injury, their baby did not like bacon. And given that bacon was a big foundation of their initial friendship, she felt somewhat betrayed. How on earth had their genetics combined to make a being that didn’t care for the most sacred of cured meats? She didn’t have an answer to that. She truly didn’t.

  But she sat down in front of the fruit gratefully and pulled the bowl to herself. Then she heard footsteps in the kitchen. And in walked Ryder, her husband, holding a cup of coffee. He set the coffee down in front of her, and she inhaled.

  “You know pregnant women can have one cup. It’s fine.”

  “You’re an expert,” she said, reaching out gratefully and taking hold of the mug.

  “I’m starting to be. So when do you think we ought to make a doctor appointment?”

  She looked up at him just before she popped a grape into her mouth. He was so...conventional. And beautiful. She never got tired of him. Looking at him in this new way. She could still see what she had seen for all those years, but she saw new things, too. Like looking at a drawing that had been traced over another. She could still see both versions clearly. And love them both in different sorts of fashions. Her familiar friend was so dear to her, but her lover, her husband, was...infinitely fascinating.

  It was amazing how a man she had known for so long could still be surprising. Except, this question did not surprise her. Not really.

  “I want a midwife,” she said.

  The air around her seemed to skip a beat as he reacted to that, a muscle twitching slightly in his cheek.

  “You’re kidding,” he said.

  “No,” she said. “I want a midwife.”

  “I... I don’t understand. That was like the kind of thing you had when you lived on the prairie and couldn’t get an actual doctor.”

  “Incorrect. But thank you for dropping your penis knowledge onto this very female subject.”

  That cheek tick again. “You need a doctor.”

  “I want a midwife, and I want home birth.”

  “Absolutely not,” he said. “Sammy, that’s insane.”

  “Many, many people have home births,” she said pragmatically.

  “Yes, people used to have home births back in those prairie days I was just talking about. And they died.”

  “Do you hear yourself right now? If there’s an emergency, the midwife will be equipped with a kit. And, we are not that far from the hospital.”

  “We are very far from the hospital,” he said. “It is forty-five minutes to Tolowa. They would have to airlift you. That’s expensive. Ask me how I know.”

  “I know,” she said. “I know that you had airlifted siblings on your watch. But I’m not going to need to be airlifted. Anyway, thank you for showing your concern through your wallet.”

  “I don’t give a damn about my wallet. I would pay to have you airlifted out of here for fun if I thought it would make you more comfortable. I’m just saying I don’t want you to be in an emergency. I can’t even imagine... Sammy, I could not load you onto a helicopter while you are in labor with my baby and let them take you off to Tolowa, and have to follow behind you in a car. It would kill me.”

  “News flash,” she said. “This whole thing is not in your control. And it’s just something you’re going to have to let me make some decisions about. Women have been having children for thousands of years.”

  “And dying doing it for just as long.”

  She made an exasperated sound. “Is it all death with you?”

  “Wouldn’t it be to you if you were me?”

  She looked at him, at the lines on his face. Lines that he had started earning when he was far too young.

  “Okay. I get it. You’re scared. You’re scared about this kind of stuff, and you want to be the most responsible. But it is my choice, Ryder. I want to do this my way. And I think my way is good.”

  “I know you do,” he said. “Sammy, I know that you aren’t intentionally going to do something to hurt yourself or the baby, but I worry that it might.”

  “You’re going to worry either way.”

  “Sammy, we’re married now. We live together. Our lives are part of each other’s. You can’t just be a free spirit and do whatever you want.”

  “A very interesting point,” she said drily. “Since the same goes for you. You don’t just get to tell me what to do all the time. It can’t just be about managing your anxiety. I have to be able to live. You’re right. Our lives are wrapped around each other’s, but that doesn’t mean the person with the most anxiety wins.”

  “Sammy...”

  “You have to trust me,” she said, putting her hand on his arm. “Remember what we talked about a few months ago? I know that sometimes you see me as haphazard, but I promise you I’m not. I am just as much of a control freak as you are. I want to have the baby at home because I want to be able to do it on my terms. I understand that you’re worried about it not being in a hospital, and there not being doctors everywhere. But the last time I went to a hospital it was because my father...” She shook her head. “I don’t want to be there to bring my baby into the world. I get that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, but that is how I feel. You have taken care of me for a very long time. Let me do something for you. Let me...”

  She stood up and bracketed his face with her hands, then she moved her thumbs to his forehead and began to massage the lines there. “I don’t want to make you more stressed. I want to make you less.” She kissed his lips.

  “Yeah, that’s not how this works,” he said. “The caring stuff.”

  “Why can’t you just be... I don’t know. You’re so worried about everything all the time.”

  “Because everything has been my responsibility for a long damn time. It’s easy for you to say that I worry too much. But if I wasn’t around worrying, who would... Who would do everything? Who would have made sure those kids made it to adulthood? Who would have kept the ranch going? Somebody has to worry.”

  Her heart twisted. “Okay. I understand that. Then can you let me be whatever the opposite of that is?”

  His dark eyes were serious on hers. “Sunshine,” he said. “It’s sunshine. And you’ve been that for seventeen years. You gave me strength, Sammy. Warmth I didn’t have. Without you... I don’t think I would have made it.”

  All of the irritation drained out of her and she stretched up on her toes, kissing him gently on the mouth. “Thank you.”

  He grabbed her hands and took them from his face, then squeezed them. “You’re welcome. And it’s true. I will be willing to do extensive research on this home birth thing.”

  “I guess coming from you that’s a compromise.”

  “It’s probably as good as you’re gonna get.”

  “I don’t know. We’ll see about that.”

  “Marriage is about compromise,” Ryder said.

  “And in this case, compromise is probably going to mean one of us just not getting what they want.”

  “Don’t test me.”

  She laughed. “Honey, there is baby-naming to do. Is this the hill you want to die on?”

  “Surely you wouldn’t...”

  “Rain. River. Forrest. Sunshine.”

  “Shit.”

  “Minerva. Severus. Luna.”

  “No.”

  “Frodo.”

  “No.”

  “You only get so many vetoes in the birthing process, my friend. I’m just saying, use them wisely. Or your son may grow up to believe his one true quest is to throw a magic ring into a volcano.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t even get that reference.”

  He was a liar. And she loved it. “The sad thing for you is I know you do get the reference. Because you spent time in my company.”

  “You can’t do that to a child.”

  “Yes, I can. That�
��s the beauty of being the mother. It will teach him to stand firm in his individuality from a very early age.”

  “It will teach them how to take a punch to the face.”

  “Well, one must learn that, too.”

  “You wouldn’t really.”

  “Wouldn’t I?”

  “I said I would research it.”

  “Wonderful. I’ll make an appointment with a midwife.”

  “Sammy...” He took a sharp breath. “I know I can’t do this for you. And that’s what kills me. I have to let you take the risk and go through the pain. And I’ll... I’ll trust you to do it how you see best.”

  Her heart suddenly felt too large, and sore along with it. “Ryder...”

  “I know you’re strong,” he said.

  “I never thought you didn’t.”

  She stretched up and kissed him on the cheek. They would be all right.

  They had to be.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  THERE WERE CRYSTALS hanging in the window, and Ryder really would have given anything to be sitting anywhere else. It was like Sammy’s chakras had exploded all over the room. Which, he supposed, was why his wife looked so giddy to be sitting there in the presence of the midwife, who had long gray hair and a calming demeanor.

  “You don’t put crystals on the baby, do you?” Ryder asked.

  “No,” the woman, who was in fact named Sequoia, said. “I can put crystals on the mother, if she likes. And you can have some, too.”

  He sensed a faint hint of sarcasm in that.

  “I’m good.”

  He had a feeling Sequoia wasn’t shocked by his rejection. Everything in here looked airy-fairy hippie-dippie dipped in incense and essential oils, and he could feel himself standing out against it all, in a black T-shirt, jeans and a cowboy hat. Like some deeply rooted relic of the past in the middle of...well, some relics that were deeply rooted in the past, sure, but one that felt pretty damned alternative to him.

  “I might want crystals,” Sammy replied.

  Ryder rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Okay. So crystals aside. How exactly does this work?”

  Sequoia went about explaining the process, and how some women opted for a water birth, and that she could provide the tub for a rental fee.

  “So you put a tub in the bedroom?”

  “Wherever you want it,” she said, “but I think it’s best if it’s next to a bed in case Sammy wants to move around.”

  “Okay,” he said. “But what about...it being sterile and everything.”

  “You know, hospitals are sterile, but there are a lot of illnesses and infections in them, as well.”

  “Yeah, I get that. It’s not like you can clear the air.” He sighed. “But what if there’s an emergency?”

  “I have a hemorrhage kit. I have a whole kit for the baby. I used to be an RN,” she said. “So I’ve dealt with emergencies in hospital situations, and I’ve been a midwife for twenty years. I’ve seen almost every scenario, and I’m fairly prepared for it. I also won’t hesitate to send mother and baby to the hospital if it comes to that. So don’t think that I’m going to try to make it all happen at home on principle. First and foremost the important thing is that Sammy and baby come through it all healthy. When and where that happens is secondary. It’s wonderful when everything goes according to plan, but often babies have their own whims and schedules. You can’t get too married to a plan anyway.”

  That was like his nightmare. But then, everything about the past few months hadn’t gone according to his plan, and if he was honest with himself in general he was much happier than he would have ever thought something like this could make him.

  Because it wasn’t just a random woman and a random baby. It was Sammy. And it was their baby.

  “All right, I take your point there.”

  “Well, no decisions have to be made yet. My schedule does fill up, so give me a call in about four weeks and let me know if you’d like to have me. I can help with prenatal exams. And I can come to the house. I have a Doppler to check the heartbeat and all of that.”

  “Right,” he said.

  After the meeting with the midwife, they drove back into town.

  It was teeming with people, which was pretty typical in summer. The influx of tourists who enjoyed getting out and seeing a historic town was necessary for the businesses that were in Gold Valley, but he always found them slightly annoying. It was his town, and he liked that it was small. Liked that he didn’t typically have to fight to get a table at the Mustard Seed. Though he did have to do a little bit of fighting today. It was a small building, and it took time for a patio table to open up for him and Sammy. It was later in the day, so she could eat more than fruit, and he was relieved when she ordered a hamburger, french fries and a milkshake. It was a lot more typical of her, and that made him feel better about things in general.

  Her eyes lit up as soon as the french fry basket hit the table, and she dove right into them, chewing happily.

  And it was like the world turned on its head and suddenly from that angle he could see.

  He could really see.

  That it didn’t matter how his parents had loved each other. It had nothing to do with him. He’d lived through loss. And he’d carried a weight for so many years that everything he felt had teeth and claws.

  That he was so aware of the cost of caring it felt like dying sometimes.

  But that didn’t mean it wasn’t love.

  No.

  It might even be deeper because he was so very, very aware of what it felt like to lose people.

  And Sammy... He didn’t know what to call that feeling he had for her because it felt like it was as intrinsic to him as the blood in his veins. It was natural, like the beating of his heart, like every breath he took.

  It felt deeper than anything.

  He’d equated it to obsession. Need. Possession.

  Living.

  But he’d been too afraid to call it what it was.

  “I love you,” he said.

  In the moment the words left his mouth he knew that he meant them in every way.

  That it had been true for a very long time. And it was even truer at this moment.

  That he loved her as a friend, that he loved her as a wife, as the future mother of his child.

  She smiled vaguely. “You know I love you, too.”

  And he could hear, in the way she spoke that word, that she only meant it the one way. The way that they had said to each other pretty effortlessly over the past many years.

  “No,” he said, picking up one of his own french fries. “I’m in love with you.”

  “Oh,” she said and some of the joy seemed to go out of her french fry eating.

  “That’s not so far away from where we’ve been, is it?”

  “I don’t know. You know how I feel about...labeling things.”

  “Yeah. But we kind of do have labels now. Husband and wife.”

  She didn’t say anything. Instead, she took a sip of her milkshake and then started picking at the top of her hamburger.

  “You don’t have to say it,” he said.

  And he found that he really did mean that. He didn’t need her to say it. Not now. Someday, it would be nice. But as he looked at her, the chains that had been holding him in place seemed to fall away. And he experienced a kind of lightness that he didn’t think he was capable of feeling. And yeah, along with it came some terror. But it was more that he would have felt afraid of losing her no matter what he called it. He’d been afraid of losing her. Had been consumed by trying to find ways to not call what he felt for her what it was. Because he had been in love with Samantha Marshall from the beginning. She wasn’t just his sunshine; she was his heart. And it had been beating because of her all this time. She was the reason. His Sammy. His beautiful Sammy. And yeah,
he wanted her to love him. The way that he did her.

  But if she didn’t, that wasn’t a tragedy.

  He’d lived through tragedy. And he had promised her that nothing would break them. He had promised that he would hold steady. He had promised. And he would.

  Loving her could only ever be a gift.

  She nodded. “Okay.”

  This moment was familiar, too. Sitting in the diner. Eating hamburgers. But this moment wasn’t recognizing his feelings, giving names to them. He had avoided that for a long time. He didn’t know if it was common to have a revelation and a breakdown over a cheeseburger, but he sure as hell was. And he was too consumed by the implications of his own feelings to fully process that she was essentially saying she didn’t love him. But he couldn’t even get to that place. Not yet. Someday, maybe. But not yet.

  “I’ve loved you for a long time,” he said, his voice rough. “I just want you to know that.”

  Because he wanted to say it. Because he wanted to know it. Wanted to feel it. He had always felt like Sammy was his freedom. The embodiment of emotions and exuberance that he could never inhabit. But the truth of the matter was, she made him feel all those things. She was the key to it, and he had locked it away for all this time because he had been afraid to call it what it was. Because he had been afraid of what it meant. Of the fact that it would mean tying himself down like this. Of the fact that it would mean marriage and kids, or it would mean rejection and heartbreak, and he had already experienced loss that had been like a bullet to the chest and he still had the shrapnel there. He had known that he couldn’t take on any more. But it was Sammy, and he couldn’t not.

  Because he had tied himself down. Lost himself to this ranch, to this life, in part so that he would always be entwined with her. He had made himself a mountain, a rock, a man who felt nothing so that he could handle all that he believed they could ever be.

  This was freedom. And now that he knew what it was, it wasn’t half as terrifying as the alternative.

  “Okay,” she said. He was tempted to be hurt by that, when he looked into her eyes and saw the kind of hollow fear that he had seen on her face that night he had rescued her from her father. And he ached.