Riot Girl

by Laura J Whiskens

  Daniel and his father positioned themselves outside my bedroom door at the trailer; they reminded me of the bouncers I’d seen outside bars in town. My father was sat on our tatty, threadbare couch with a can of beer in his hand and a glare in his eyes aimed firmly at the other two men.

  I sighed and clicked my bedroom door shut behind me. I looked around, taking it all in: the window through which Joel had climbed countless times since we were little kids; the bed where we had first made love; the cupboard I’d hidden in as a child when my father was in a rage.

  I sat at the end of my bed, still unmade from the last time I’d slept in it a few days earlier. I took a long deep breath, running my bed sheet through my hand and thinking of that first time with Joel, the look in his eyes.

  This messy little room contained my life. Not just the material possessions, but so many of my memories. I stood up and started to load my things into bags.

  From under my bed I pulled out a worn photo album. It contained the only pictures I had of my mother, hidden away from my father in case he threw them out, and photographs of Billy, Joel, Waz and I as we grew up. They were still precious to me, even if it was too painful to look at them now.

  When I’d finished packing everything up I took one final look around the room, my eyes lingering on the window- hoping against the odds that he might appear- and I blinked back the tears I refused to shed over him.

  “I’m ready,” I called out to Daniel and James.

  Daniel’s father, ever the old-fashioned gentleman, had been insistent that I was not to lift anything because in my ‘condition’ I needed to be careful. James and Daniel came into the room and took the bags; when the room was clear I motioned for them to wait for me outside so I could speak to my Dad alone.

  “It’s okay,” I nodded to Daniel, who looked less than impressed about leaving me alone with my father.

  “Yeah, it’s okay-run along you little shit,” Dad spat out venomously as I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Leave me alone with my daughter.”

  “Dad, don’t be such an asshole!” I scolded. “Daniel, please go, I’ll be out in a minute.”

  He turned to leave and joined his father right outside the front door, leaving me alone but not too alone. I sighed; it was hard to imagine not living here anymore. Yes, it wasn’t the perfect home and I didn’t have the greatest dad, but these things were mine and they were all I’d known. I was eighteen-years-old now but I had never imagined leaving home in these circumstances. I was afraid of the unknown path waiting for me outside the front porch of this trailer.

  “Don’t drink yourself to death, okay?” I spoke softly, sad to be leaving even if he was a drunk. “I’m only in town, if you need me.”

  “I don’t need you or anyone,” he replied, refusing point blank to look at me.

  I nodded and turned to leave.

  “Indi,” Dad called, and I stopped hopefully. “That Warren boy’s mother left an envelope for you.”

  “She did? When?” My heart raced with the possibility waiting inside that envelope. “Where is it?”

  He pointed to the kitchen counter; I moved some things and found it, a white beer-stained envelope.

  “Left it a day or so ago–she said the other kids’ mom left it for you before she moved,” he grunted.

  “Billy and Joel’s mom? Moved where?” I quizzed him urgently as I ran my fingers across the white stained paper. My heart was fluttering, what was inside it?

  “How would I know?” he snapped. “Somethin’ about those boys of her getting her a house, outta this godforsaken town.”

  “They moved her away?” I didn’t understand, but it seemed that they’d been in contact with everyone back home except for me.

  Dad turned his attention back to the horse racing on TV, no longer listening to me and drawing our exchange to a close.

  I tucked the envelope carefully into my pocket. I wanted to keep it out of sight until I got some time alone to find out what was inside.

  Part Two

  Indi, Aged Twenty-Four

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Dreaming of coming home to you; talking like we used to do…”

  The melody coming from the radio caused me to stop wiping the table, it was an old song and I wasn’t expecting to hear it. My breath caught and my heart hammered against my chest. My legs almost buckled beneath me as the voices on the radio penetrated my defences.

  I absolutely hated it when they caught me off guard like that. The lyrics opened up a door I had tried hard to keep locked for so many years. I barricaded my heart and head with every emotional block I could muster but it was times like this, when I was least expecting it, that they managed to catch me unaware and I was seventeen years old once more.

  Talking like we used to do my ass, I thought angrily and took it out on the table as I continued to wipe away breadcrumbs and ketchup marks. My little boy was such a messy eater, too much like his father sometimes. I stopped myself before the tears started to roll down my cheeks and instead I thumped the radio power button. The room became quiet, which was worse because then I was left to go over the memories once more; I pushed my cherry-red hair out of my eyes.

  Sitting down at the table I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and allowed the images to roll freely through my mind for the first time in a long time. I would have time to pull myself together before anyone else came home. At twenty-four years of age, I still fell to pieces at the thought of my teenage years. I’d tried desperately to mend my broken heart, but all I’d managed to do was crazy glue it back together.

  If I’d known when I was seventeen-years-old that letting Joel Travis into my room, and my heart, would be the end of me, I would have thought twice. Still, I couldn’t help but think back to that first night and recall the look in his eyes as he took me in his arms…

  The front door slammed shut and I came out of my daydream instantly. Looking at the clock on the kitchen wall I was surprised to see that I had been sitting there for more than an hour. The hurt and upset I’d felt after hearing the song was gone and I was horrified to find I was aroused instead. I hardly ever thought about my ‘first time’ and I’d forgotten how painful I had found it in the beginning. It was the thought of running my hands over Joel’s young, lean body that had gotten me hot under the collar; damn him for still being able to get under my skin.

  “You okay? You look a little flushed.” Daniel said as he came over to kiss me on the head by way of hello. It was lunchtime and I hadn’t gotten his sandwich ready which seemed to have put him off kilter. I rarely broke out of habit, and never without notice. He put the back of his hand gently to my forehead. “You don’t have a temperature.”

  “I’m okay, little bit of a headache that’s all. I’ll get your sandwich,” I replied, shaking off his hand and heading over to the refrigerator to grab the sandwich meat.

  I loved Daniel. Kind of. He’d been the one to pick me up and put me back together when Joel had gone and his persistence had paid off in the end. I’d gotten used to him being around and I became fond of him.

  There was never the kind of heat there that I’d had with Joel though. I guessed it was normal to feel that way after your first love. The butterflies and passion fade and then you’re left with what I had with Daniel: stability and affection.

  We had our young son, Jacob, and we lived in a nice little house in a good neighbourhood. It was a far cry from the pokey little trailer I’d grown up in. Love or not, I wouldn’t let my son grow up as I had with an absent mother and alcoholic father. I was with Daniel for the long haul. I guess that’s why he couldn’t understand why I kept rejecting his marriage proposals; heck even I didn’t understand it. It’s not like some knight in shining armour was going to come and carry Jacob and I away to live in a fairy-tale land.

  One of these days I was going to have to give in and say yes. God knows I should marry him and get rid of my stupid name; besides, he was a good man and a good father. He had loved me even though he knew dee
p down I didn’t love him in the same way. What was I waiting for?

  I took Daniel’s sandwich over to the dining table and placed it in front of him with a forced smile. He was a good man, so why did the thought of marrying him make me feel sick to my stomach? Apart from Joel he was the only man I’d been with. He had always been good to me and if patience was a virtue then Daniel really was a saint.

  In the early days I was a crazy person; black was my signature colour and it definitely matched my mood. I had dyed jet-black hair, thick black eyeliner and mascara; the only shade in my wardrobe besides black was grey. No wonder when Joel and the others left, no one would come near me.

  Except for Daniel. Slowly, patiently, he broke down my walls and drew me in to his life, and eventually his social circle. I hated them; all smart ass preppies–everything the guys and I had stood against: perfect hair, smiles, homes and families, not to mention the expanse of money that would no doubt get them into the best schools.

  I smiled to myself smugly as I thought how disgusted Joel, Billy and Waz would be at my set up today. I lived in house surrounded by a white picket fence and I was a member of the PTA for Jacob’s school... Hell, I was even our old high schools’ guidance counsellor!

  This was definitely the epitome of everything the four of us said we didn’t want as adults. Of course I could see now that we were jealous, angry kids brought up on the wrong side of town; dragged up, actually. Our parents had no interest in us and the rest of the town had written us off as trailer trash.

  I felt bad for the kids who lived in that trailer park now. My guilt each time I saw one of them traipsing through the halls at school must have radiated off me. I got out; how many of them would be able to say the same by the time they got to my age?

  My thoughts were interrupted when I caught sight of Daniel staring at me expectantly.

  “Earth to Indiana,” he said seriously. “Where were you?”

  “Oh just thinking about work, a kid is giving me some trouble.” I felt bad for lying but I was a master of it; Daniel never seemed to know when I was doing it.

  “Speaking of which, I better head back. Lucky you not having to go five days a week,” he smiled and kissed me on the cheek as he made his was out of the house and back to his car.

  I waved him goodbye from the front porch like the dutiful little wife I pretended to be, all the while the riot girl inside screamed and raged at my conformity. I gave her a mental pat on the head and she threw herself on the floor of my porch in a tantrum.

  “Tell me about it,” I said to myself, and shut the front door on her.

  “I don’t know where your head’s at lately Indiana,” I cringed as Daniel called me by my full name.

  I hated it to the point that it actually made my blood boil. Indiana reminded me of the cosmic joke my parents had made of me from birth. It was worse now that Daniel didn’t do it by way of teasing me, but that he actually meant it to scold me.

  “Oh, I’m sorry Daniel,” I replied, my voice dripping with sarcasm. I had only forgotten my car keys–it wasn’t the end of the world. We were out on the porch and I knew where I’d left them. “Just unlock the door and I’ll grab them, no harm no foul.”

  He unlocked the door with a huff and I ran inside. Jacob was giggling at his silly mommy; he certainly hadn’t inherited his father’s straight-laced personality. When I returned to the porch I jingled my keys and Jacob gave me one of his heart-melting smiles. He really was the best thing to have ever happened to me, I thought as my heart swelled with love for him.

  “Come on Jakey, let’s get outta here!” I ruffled his blonde hair and chased him to the car as Daniel locked up again.

  “Jacob!” he called seriously and Jacob’s shoulders sagged as he stomped back to his father. Daniel leaned down and pointed to a spot on his cheek for Jacob to kiss. He did so obediently; he hadn’t inherited my urges to punch people who did things like that. More so the pity.

  Jacob ran back to me and climbed into his booster seat in the front of the car. I closed the door after making sure his seatbelt was buckled properly and made my way round to the driver’s side. As I settled into my own seat Jacob looked at me intently.

  “Daddy’s a real dummy,” he said and I stifled a laugh at the serious look on his face.

  “That’s a mean thing to say Jacob,” I half-heartedly scolded him. His daddy was a dummy. “Why would you say that?”

  “He’s no fun, the other kids’ daddies laugh and play games,” he was so solemn as he spoke that I almost laughed again. He leaned over seriously and whispered, “Shall we run away?”

  “Not today kiddo, today we have to go to school,” I replied and turned the radio on as I pulled off the drive. Jacob pulled a face at me and we laughed. “Maybe we can run away on Saturday to the lake.”

  As we neared the end of our street a familiar tune came on the local radio station. I groaned and rolled my eyes. This was happening all too frequently of late.

  “Dreaming of coming home to you; talking like we used to do…” I reached to turn off the radio but Jacob pulled my hand away from the dial.

  “Stop! I like this one mommy,” Jacob smiled at me and drummed his hands on his legs in rhythm with the beat. I forced a smile on my face and gritted my teeth as the song played out.

  As the end of the song faded out the radio presenter cut in: “That was ‘Coming Home’ by our very own local band, The Riots. Rumour has it that Joel, Billy and Waz will really be back in town in coming months! Tune in next week for more news on the boys’ return to town.”

  My breath caught and my stomach lurched–I can’t have heard right. My mind went blank as horror pulsed through my body at the news.

  “Mommy, mommy!” Jacob’s voice cut into the void in my head. I looked down at his terrified face and then out through the windscreen.

  We narrowly missed a car coming towards us. I was driving on the wrong side of the road! The other driver blew his horn at us loudly as I swerved out of his way. I pulled on to the grass shoulder and pulled Jacob to me, my heart racing and my head thumping with the start of a headache.

  “I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry,” I was sobbing into his dark blonde hair, hardly believing what I’d just done.

  “Mommy you’re crazy,” he told me as I clung onto him.

  They were coming back. Here. Back into our town; my town. And, oh God, I just almost killed my son.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  “Mommy, are you sleeping with your eyes open?” Jacob prodded me as I sat staring into my bowl of porridge.

  “Huh?” was my bleary-eyed response as I tried to focus on his curious face.

  “Excuse me, not huh, mommy.” He chastised me. Daniel gave him an approving nod across the table and I fought the urge to punch him in the face. Daniel, not Jacob.

  “I’m sorry baby, I have a headache today. What were you saying?” We spent the rest of breakfast listening to Jacob tell us about the naughty kid in his class and how he’d said a bad word and the teacher had sent him to the principle.

  I drifted in and out of the conversation. I needed to snap out of this, it was no good for me or for Jacob. Not to mention the fact that Daniel was getting increasingly pissed off with me. No doubt he’d heard the rumour that The Riots were coming to town soon and that paired with me acting like a nut job had him completely rattled.

  Jacob finished his breakfast and ran out to the garden to play soccer with our golden Labrador, Bonnie. She was getting old now but loved to race Jacob around the garden and steal the ball away from him.

  I cleaned up the dishes and started loading them into the dishwasher, feeling Daniel’s eyes on me the whole time. I forced myself to ignore it; I really wasn’t in the mood for him this morning.

  “It’s bothering you that he’s coming back,” Daniel stood beside me at the kitchen counter. “I know that’s why you’re acting strangely.”

  I stopped what I was doing and closed my eyes; I really didn’t want to talk about this, not w
ith him. But then with who? I was friendly with the other moms but I had no real friends, just people I passed the time of day with at children’s parties and school events.

  “Yes, it bothers me. I don’t know why. I also don’t know why they’re coming back here – there’s nothing here for any of them.” I replied honestly and looked away at the hurt look in Daniel’s eyes.

  Almost a year after he’d gone, Joel had moved his mom and his sister Casey out of the trailer park and into a fancy house in California. Waz’s mom still lived in town but he’d washed his hands of her years earlier; so I’d heard she’d spent all the money he’d sent on drugs and booze and he’d cut her off. There was no reason I could think of that they’d be coming back after all these years.

  “It’s some MTV thing,” Daniel told me and put a print out from the internet on the counter. I looked at him in surprise and he shrugged. “I needed to know why they–why he–would come back here.”

  I scanned the page, avoiding Daniel’s gaze; it was a gossip column post about the band and that they’d signed up for an MTV show where they would go back to their hometown and talk about their rags to riches story. That explained it then; another chance to get their mug shots around for all to see.

  “Oh, well I guess they shouldn’t be around for long then. That’s good,” I tried to sound dismissive and unbothered by it but my mask must have slipped. Daniel clearly knew me a bit better than I’d given him credit for.

  “We could take a vacation? Get out of town for a little bit,” he suggested hopefully.

  It seemed that the boys’ sudden return to town had Daniel as off kilter as I was. He must have felt under threat in some way and wanted us out of town while the band were around.

  “Yeah, maybe. We’ll see okay.” I closed up the dishwasher and threw the print out into the bin as I made my way out to Jacob and Bonnie.