Bad Habit: Downey Brothers Series

by Mara Leigh

  I raised my head to glare. I was no coward.

  “I totally know what you’re going through. I had that same fear. That I didn’t deserve Nick.”

  “Him?” I pointed at my brother. “You sure?”

  “Fuck off,” Nick said.

  “I’m serious,” Jade continued. “My whole life I’d never had anyone I could depend on but myself, and deep down I figured that was my fault. That I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect or to have anyone take care of me for a change. But with Nick… I realized I was just afraid. Afraid to expose myself to disappointment.”

  Afraid? I tipped my head to the side, considering what she’d said. I’d never been afraid of anything. Not since I was a little kid, and even then I’d been brave, the one who checked for monsters under the bed I shared with Dill.

  “She knows about the container.” I kept my eyes pointed toward the floor, not my brother. What happened with the Downeys was supposed to stay between the Downeys. “The drugs. All of it. She knows a lot of other stuff we’ve done, too. And she said if I ever go near her again she’ll call the cops, tell them everything she knows. About me. About us.” I glanced up at Nick.

  He nodded, slowly, then shrugged. “The cops already have the stuff from the container, right?”

  “Yeah, but I made an anonymous tip. They don’t know for sure it was us.”

  “They know.” Nick shook his head. “Come on. They offered Keagan a deal.”

  “Keagan, sure. He’s been offered immunity from that one crime. What about all the other shit we’ve done? If Shane goes back inside…” If I saw Faith again, we’d all be cooked.

  Nick drew in a long breath. “Look. Jade’s right. Sounds like excuses. Excuses to avoid rejection. If you go see her, what’s the worst that could happen?”

  “We’ll all end up inside. All five of us.”

  “Is that really the worst thing?” Jade asked.

  My shoulders dropped. “No.”

  The worst thing was that Faith would reject me again. And I was already there. Already heartbroken. The worst that could happen had already happened.

  “Tell me this…” Nick leaned toward me. “This girl, does she love you?”

  “She does,” I said without thinking or hesitation. “Or she did. Or she thought she did.”

  “If she loves you,” Jade said, “she’s not going to do anything to hurt you or your brothers. Besides, they can’t convict you based on her word.”

  I nodded. I had thought of that. But her statement would lead to warrants, and eventually they’d find something. There was a lot to find. It wasn’t like we didn’t deserve to do time.

  And Jade was wrong. Even if Faith loved me, she’d keep her promise. She didn’t lie.

  If I tried to see her again, she’d call the police.

  Faith

  Sister Henry and I walked up a steep hill, and I tried to let some light penetrate my heart. So many things were going well. Why wasn’t I happy?

  “Thanks for putting in a good word with Mother Superior,” I said.

  “What about?” Sister Henry puffed with the exertion of climbing the hill.

  “Letting me stay at the mission until I can afford to move out.”

  “Oh.” Henry shook her head. “That didn’t have anything to do with me. We’ve never had anyone who worked as hard as you do, who’s made such a difference.”

  “Thanks. I’m sure I’ll find a job soon so I can move out. I don’t want to freeload.”

  “Honey.” She put her arm over my shoulders and puffed as we stopped at the crest of the hill. “You stay with us as long as you want.”

  “I’m so grateful to know you.” I hugged the older woman.

  “I’m grateful to know you, too. And I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so well with your GED prep, I’m sure you’ll get into whatever college program you apply for.”

  My heart swelled with hope. I was doing positive things for myself, for my future, but my hope had such a strong undercurrent of pain it was hard to keep my head afloat.

  “What’s wrong?” Sister Henry asked. “You look sad.”

  “I miss him.”

  “I know, honey.” She squeezed my shoulders. “And I’m so sorry. I wish I could do something to make it better.”

  “Time will help. That what you said, right?” We started walking again, crossing the intersection and preparing for a descent down the same street.

  “Your heart will heal. Eventually. Trust me.”

  It hurt to hear the word trust, and right now it was hard to trust that my pain would ever lessen. It had been nearly three weeks since I’d learned the truth about Mac, and my heart felt ripped in two, my life incomplete.

  Maybe, if I was lucky, really lucky, someday I’d meet a trustworthy man I could love. But right now, that didn’t seem possible.

  But even if love was not part of my future, I’d be okay. I’d never thought romantic love would be part of my life in the first place, and at least I’d known one true love. That was more than some people had in a lifetime, so I’d heard.

  Someday my pain would lessen. Someday the gaping hole in my chest would patch over. Someday I’d stop missing Mac.

  Seventeen

  Faith

  The sun dissolved the last of the morning’s fog, and I tipped back my head to let the sun’s rays strike my face. After five months, I was still pale for a Californian, but I loved how the light kissed my skin and absorbed deep inside me, easing the ache I’d felt since I’d last seen Mac.

  “Good shot, Jeremy!” I shouted as the tiny kid sank a layup.

  The boy grinned ear to ear as he turned toward me.

  “You’re the ref,” Gloria said, hands on her hips. “You aren’t allowed to cheer!”

  “I’m cheering for both teams equally.” I walked toward the children. “And it’s not whether you win or lose—”

  “It’s how you play the game,” the kids chanted in unison in a tone more mocking than genuine. But regardless of tone and intent, their words made me smile as I glanced at my wrist to check the time.

  Nearly time to let the kids go home so I could start studying. Turns out, there were a lot of subjects my mother had never taught me, and very few she’d taught me well. I had a lot to learn, but as soon as I got my GED, I planned to apply to every college social work program in Northern California.

  I wasn’t quite sure yet how I’d pay for school—or rent or food—but I was willing to work hard and apply for assistance and scholarships and take out student loans. I’d do whatever it took to get an education and make my own way in the world.

  Whatever it took, within reason.

  Sister Henry had suggested a GoFundMe campaign, but that didn’t seem right. I couldn’t ask for handouts when there were so many in greater need.

  My watch flashed four thirty. “That’s it for today!” I reached toward Jeremy.

  He passed the ball, and it landed in my palms with a satisfying slap, filling me with pride at how I’d learned a few things about this sport the kids loved to play. Having a little pride wasn’t a sin.

  I tucked the ball under one arm and headed toward the far side of the court where the second ball was resting against the fence.

  “Thanks, Sister!” a few of the kids yelled. “See you tomorrow, Sister!”

  I turned to wave and watch the kids scatter through the far entrances to the public basketball court. I’d be leaving the mission soon. After that, no one would ever call me Sister again—just as I’d gotten used to the mistaken honorific.

  I turned back to get the stray ball.

  My breath caught in my chest. I couldn’t move. Mac.

  Holding the ball, he walked toward me, slowly, as if afraid I’d attack.

  Every nerve in my body exploded, flooding me with the desire to run into his arms, to kiss him, to hold him so tightly he could never go. The sunlight gilded his chestnut hair and licked his muscular shoulders and arms. As slowly as he was moving, I needed more time
. More time to regain my ability to speak, to think, to breathe.

  Seeing him would only add time to my heartbreak sentence.

  About ten feet away, he said, “Hi.”

  I nodded, trying to pull my tongue off the roof of my mouth. I couldn’t trust Mac. We were over.

  I knew that, but I wondered whether my heart, my whole body, would ever get over how badly I wanted him. How much I still loved him in spite of all that had happened. In that moment, seeing him, it was almost like my heart had forgotten it was broken.

  “It’s nice to see you.” Mac stopped about four feet away. Far enough to make it clear he was giving me space. Or maybe he needed the space—so he could make a run for it if I called the police.

  Tucking the ball under one arm, he rubbed his head with the other hand, making bits of his curly hair stick out to one side. With his expression, his disheveled hair, he looked like an eight-year-old boy caught misbehaving. He looked adorable. Then my focus shifted to take in the entirety of Mac.

  He was no boy. He was all man, and the sight of him fueled the passions already sparking inside me. Passions I needed to quash.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  His chin jerked up like my words had struck him. “I wanted to see you. Talk to you.”

  My heart was pounding so hard it was difficult to hear, and impossible to find the words to express how I was feeling, or even to sort out how I was feeling.

  “I told you I’d call the police. Didn’t you believe me?”

  “I believe you. Seeing you one last time. It’s worth getting locked up for.”

  “Why?”

  “I want to apologize.”

  “No need.” He wasn’t the man I thought he was, but trusting him had been my mistake, not his.

  “Faith, I know I can’t make it up to you.” He shook his head. “But I hope you found your way back.”

  “Back? To where?”

  “To the Church. To your calling.”

  I shook my head. “Mac, you helped me find my calling, not lose it.”

  Adorable lines formed between his eyebrows. “So you are entering the convent.”

  “What? No. That’s not my calling. I told you. Becoming a nun was my mother’s idea, never mine. In fact…” I took a couple of steps forward. “I haven’t said this out loud yet.” I drew a long breath and half-whispered, “I’m not even sure I believe in God anymore.”

  I shook my head. “Or maybe I do, but I don’t think I believe in religion, do you know what I mean? I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I one thing I know for certain is that you turned me in the right direction.”

  Looking ill, he stepped back. “I’m such a shit.” His voice broke. “You’re an angel, and I smeared my shit on your fucking halo.”

  “That’s overstating it a bit, don’t you think?”

  He closed his eyes and took a long breath. “Listen. I didn’t know about the drugs, I never would have donated them to the mission if I’d known. But I did know the formula was stolen and I should never had involved the mission, involved you. I’m so sorry about that.”

  “Thank you for telling me.” Is that what he wanted to hear? Strange thing was, I believed him about the drugs, that he hadn’t known. But I’d also believed him when he’d said he was done with crime, and that had been my mistake.

  “That’s just apology number one,” he said. “I’ll be a hundred before I could do enough good things to right the scales for all the bad things I’ve done, but the very worst thing I’ve ever done was drag you down even an inch toward my level.”

  “I’m hardly a fallen woman.”

  He nodded, but the sadness in his eyes almost killed me. “When I told you I was done with crime, I meant it. There was just a timing issue.”

  I shook my head.

  “I know it’s no excuse, but loyalty is very important in our family, and I’d promised my brothers I’d do that job. I know that sounds like semantics and I should have just told you that I had one last job.”

  He wiped sweat from his forehead. Normally so cool and collected, he was clearly flustered, nervous about this conversation, and it melted into my resolve. He’d risked prison to come here today. That proved something. Didn’t it?

  “Look.” He looked down at the pavement, then up into my eyes. “It doesn’t matter whether or not you believe me. It’s not like we were never going to work.”

  “Bullshit.”

  Startled, he stepped back. “You’re swearing now? More proof of the damage I’ve done to you.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Mac. I can make my own choices—to swear or not to swear, to be a nun or not. I do have free will.”

  “Yes, of course.” He transferred the ball to the other arm, then looked down. “I shouldn’t have come.”

  “Because I’m going to call the police?”

  “No. I knew you’d call. I wanted to see you, regardless. I was afraid to face you and give a proper apology, and I thought that’s why I came, for you, but now I see that coming here was selfish.”

  He shook his head. “I thought if I explained, gave you some closure, it might help you trust someone else some day, but that was all rationalization. I just wanted to see you.”

  “Well, here I am.” I set the ball on the ground, resting my foot on top to keep it from rolling.

  “I know you have no reason to believe anything I’ve said today.” He put his ball down, too. “But everything’s changed since I last saw you. My brothers and I, we’re out of crime—all of us—for good.”

  “That’s great.” I wanted to believe him, to trust him. Or maybe I just wanted to go to bed with him. Even just kiss him one last time. But I had to stay strong. “I’m happy for you, Mac, and—”

  “Let me finish, okay?”

  I nodded, making a gesture to lock my lips and throw away the key. Whatever he needed to get off this chest, I’d let him, but after that he’d have to hear me out, too. If I’d changed him, then he needed to understand how he’d changed me, too, changed every part of me. And not in the way that he thought.

  “All the stuff in that container we stole. Including the heroin,” he added quietly. “I turned it all over to the police.”

  I gasped. “Does that mean you’re already going to prison? Is that why you came? Because you had nothing to lose?”

  “They don’t have enough evidence.” He took a long breath. “Not without your statement, anyway.”

  I nodded, relieved to hear he wasn’t going to prison. I believed in justice, but even more than that I believed in redemption, in second chances, and if Mac and his brothers could turn their lives around… I believed that was possible. And I no longer wanted to call the police.

  “Anyway.” He looked at me, so much vulnerability in his eyes. “Besides apologizing, I wanted to thank you. Without you, I’m not sure I’d have had the courage to go to the cops—and I didn’t just do it because I thought you’d turn me in.”

  “I told you I wouldn’t. Not unless—”

  “But after doing that last job, nothing felt right. My whole life felt wrong—like nothing had ever been right and I’d just been faking my life up to that point. I’ve always been good at convincing people. Seems like I was even better at convincing myself. But it stopped working. I stopped believing my own con.”

  “I guess that’s good?” My heart went out to him. The confident man I’d known seemed lost, adrift. “I’m proud of you, Mac. I always knew you were a good man, that the life of crime didn’t sit well with you. These changes you’re making, turning the stolen goods over to the police, it proves your sincerity, it proves your goodness.”

  “Handing over the haul.” Closing his eyes for a moment, he shook his head. “I’m not as good as you think. I had another motive—saving Keagan’s ass. Because of the drugs, my brother’s getting a deal. But the rest of it, the stuff we actually meant to steal, I realized that I couldn’t live with myself if I sold it. I know that sounds like a load of shit—” />
  “It doesn’t.”

  He blinked as if shocked. “Thanks. That means a lot.”

  “So, what are you going to do now?”

  A grin infiltrated his sadness. “Dillon and I are starting a business.”

  “What kind of business?”

  “He’s going to fix things. All kinds of things. Things that people would throw out otherwise. Stuff they’ve already thrown out that we find at thrift stores or the city dumps.”

  “And you’ll help him fix the things?”

  He took a step forward. “I’ll run the business. Do the marketing. Advertising. Bookkeeping. I’ll deal with the customers, be the face of the business, try to get us publicity, that kind of shit, I mean stuff.”

  “That’s wonderful.” Joy spread inside me, so happy for Mac. “I’ve found my calling, too.”

  He tipped his head to the side. “I thought you said—”

  “Not a religious calling. I want to help people in other ways. I’m going to go to college. Probably for social work. Find something I can do to help disadvantaged communities.”

  He grinned, but his expression was tinged with doubt. “That’s great. If it’s what you really want… But I can’t help but think, if we hadn’t met, if I hadn’t taken advantage of you…”

  I lifted my chin and stepped toward him. “Mac Downey. Are you accusing me of lying?”

  “I don’t think you know how.”

  “Well then, you must not be very good at listening, because I’ve already told you. Meeting you was the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. You changed me. No. That’s not right. You revealed me.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “My whole life, it’s like I was tightly wrapped, bound by the things my mother taught me. I was hidden under the mask of who she wanted me to be. But that wasn’t me.”

  I stepped forward and put my hand lightly on his chest.

  He inhaled sharply, and a tremor raced through my body. “You.” I looked up into his eyes. “It was you who first saw me. You were the first person to ever see who I truly was. And even better, you helped me see me. Mac, you opened my eyes to so many things.” A blush heated my cheeks and my chest. “But the most important was helping me discover myself.”