The Pathfinder

by Margaret Mayhew

  He looked very scared and uncertain suddenly – the small kid brother again from years long ago when something had gone badly wrong. She wanted to break down and weep but she had to be strong.

  ‘I can’t, Lili . . . won’t leave you.’

  ‘Do you want to end up in a labour camp in Russia? You must go, Dirk.’ She felt in her pocket. ‘Look, here’s your lighter. Nico brought it back.’

  ‘Took it away . . . the swine.’

  She fetched a packet of Camels and put one between his bruised and split lips. She spun the Zippo wheel with her thumb and held the flame to the cigarette’s end for him. ‘Have one yourself, Lili,’ he urged her, the way he often did. ‘They’re good.’ She took another from the packet and lit it, keeping her hand firm and steady because Dirk was watching her.

  ‘You’ll be all right, Lili, won’t you? The squadron leader . . . he’ll marry you. Take you to England. Rudi and Grandfather too. I’ll come and find you. It’s not such a problem.’ He seemed almost jaunty, his eye bright again. He even tried to smile at her, though she could tell that he, too, was close to weak tears. He blinked them away. ‘We’ll survive, won’t we, Lili? Somehow we always survive.’

  Harrison spent some time at RAF Honington in Suffolk, a nerve centre for the needs of the airlift squadrons, before he flew back to Berlin in the middle of March. From the air, Lake Havel looked as cold and grey as before, the landscape just as lifeless, but the worst of the winter was over. In his absence, the airlift had continued without cease and, in spite of some bitter weather towards the end of February and hurricane-force winds in early March, tonnage records had been broken and the fifty-thousandth German civilian had been flown out of Gatow. Station morale was high, the mood quietly confident. Tubby, when he encountered him in the Mess, was positively jubilant.

  ‘Got ’em licked, dear boy. No question about it. We’re in Berlin to stay. Here’s to us.’

  Harrison raised his glass, too, but less jubilantly. The headaches were still there – aircraft maintenance one of the worst. Engines and airframes were badly overstrained by non-stop flying with maximum loads and there was still a chronic shortage of mechanics, tools, spare parts and basic equipment needed to keep the planes flying. The whole show, he reckoned, had been a damn fine-run thing from the start and would go on being so until the finish. No letting up. No resting on laurels. No premature celebrations. They couldn’t afford to relax for a moment.

  ‘Went to see your little fräulein and deliver your billet-doux,’ Tubby told him. ‘Shocking place she lives in. Shook me to the core, I can tell you.

  ‘I know. I should have warned you. Was she all right?’

  ‘Seemed to be. More or less. She asked after you, of course. Wanted to know if I’d any idea when you’d be back. I’d no clue, naturally.’

  ‘I wrote to her several times from England. God knows if she’ll have got the letters.’

  ‘One certainly feels the post in that sector might be somewhat unreliable. Well, I dare say you’ll be popping over to see her, as soon as you get the chance. Set the wedding day yet?’

  He shook his head. ‘There’s so much bloody red tape, not to mention everything else going on. You still think I’m mad, don’t you, Tubby? It’s written all over your face.’

  ‘I’m just worried for you, dear boy. Wouldn’t like you to make a mistake.’

  ‘I’m not making one.’

  ‘Well, you know best. Who am I to utter a word – an old bachelor like me? By the way, I almost forgot to mention it – that charming little WAAF radar operator gave me a message for you. About the frock.’

  She opened the door to him and threw herself straight into his arms. He held her close for a long time, stroking her hair, soothing her. After a while, he led her inside, closing the door behind them.

  He was shocked to see how ill she looked. How pale and drawn, eyes red-rimmed either from exhaustion or crying, or perhaps both. He made her sit down at the table and held her hands in his while she told him about Dirk being arrested and taken to Sachsenhausen.

  ‘I had to ask Nico for help. I didn’t know what else to do. He went to see the Russians at the camp and in the end they let Dirk go.’

  He said grimly, ‘I wonder how he managed that.’

  She bent her head. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Never mind. The main thing is that Dirk’s free. Where is he now?’

  ‘He’s gone.’

  ‘Gone? Where?’

  She told him, then, about the Americans at Tempelhof who had arranged to smuggle Dirk on board a plane flying to Frankfurt in the American zone. How he was going to try to get to America from there and ask for asylum.

  Harrison said, ‘Well, he’ll be much safer out of Berlin. So will you, Lili. I’m taking you away from here as soon as I can.’ He held out the brown paper package that he had brought with him. ‘Something for you.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Your wedding dress.’ He watched while she undid the string and opened up the paper. ‘I hope you like it.’

  She stared down at the soft folds of cream-coloured silk. ‘Oh, Michael . . . Is it new?’

  ‘Brand new. Made specially for you.’ She seemed almost stunned. ‘When did you last have a new dress?’

  ‘I can’t remember . . . years and years ago. I really can’t remember . . . Where did you find such a thing?’

  ‘I have ways and means – like Nico – only rather more straightforward ones. I’m sorry it couldn’t be a proper wedding one with a long train and everything, like brides are supposed to have. It was the best I could do. Hold it up against you.’ She did so, and he could see how well it would suit her. How lovely she would look. ‘Will you try it on for me?’

  ‘That would be very unlucky.’

  He smiled. ‘In that case, you’d better not. You’re not wearing my ring any more.’

  ‘It was too loose,’ she said. ‘I was afraid of losing it.’ She went over to the cupboard by the stove. ‘I hid it in the flour. Here it is, quite safe.’

  ‘Well, I’ve something to replace it soon.’ He took the small box out of his greatcoat pocket and opened it. He’d chosen the plain gold wedding ring from a jeweller’s in Bond Street. ‘She has very small hands,’ he’d told the man at the counter, who’d fetched one of the female assistants to try it on. Her hands had been very small, too, and soft and white, without a single mark or blemish. Hands that had never toiled among ruins. ‘Let’s see if this fits all right or we’ll have to get it altered.’ He slid the ring onto the fourth finger of her left hand. ‘Is it OK?’

  ‘Oh yes.’

  ‘Sure?’

  She nodded. ‘Here is your ring to take back.’

  ‘No, you hang onto it until the day we’re married.’ He put the wedding ring back in its box and replaced the signet ring on her middle finger. ‘When we’re in England we’ll go to a jeweller’s together – the same place where I bought the wedding ring – and I’ll buy a proper engagement ring for you. You must choose whatever you want.’

  She started to cry and he had to get out his handkerchief to wipe away her tears. Then he held her close again and kissed her. And went on kissing her. The love he felt for her overwhelmed him and he wanted so much to take her to bed. He sensed that she wanted it as much as he did – that it would have been easy. But not now, he told himself firmly. Not yet. Not in this godforsaken, miserable rat hole. That wasn’t how he wanted it.

  The Russian, Silogov, came to the apartment again. Lili had begun to hope that, after all, he might have decided that she was no use to them. She had dared to think of the future that could lie ahead – marriage to Michael, a home in England. Happiness, far away.

  ‘Good evening, Fräulein Leicht.’ This time he didn’t ask permission to enter, but pushed his way past her. There was another man with him in police uniform, following at his heels. A German. She stood frozen in terror while the policeman made a rapid search of the whole apartment. The Russian moved to stand in front
of her.

  ‘Where is your brother, Fräulein?’

  ‘He left,’ she said. ‘Disappeared, with all his belongings. I don’t know where he went.’

  ‘You’re lying.’

  ‘I’m speaking the truth. He was very afraid. One day I went to work and when I came back he had gone. I have heard nothing from him since.’

  He stared at her for a moment before he turned away and spoke sharply to the German, who left the room. She heard the front door open and slam shut. Then he said, in different, friendlier tones, as though the man had been an impertinent and unwarranted intrusion, ‘Sit down, please, Fräulein. We can talk now.’ She sat at the table and he took the chair opposite: Michael’s chair. ‘Cigarette?’

  ‘No, thank you.’

  ‘Which brand does Squadron Leader Harrison smoke, I wonder. Player’s? State Express? Senior Service? Du Maurier, perhaps?’

  ‘I’ve never really noticed. Player’s, I think.’

  He struck a match to light his cigarette and then blew it out slowly, replacing the dead match carefully in the box, as he had done before. ‘He has returned recently from England and we know that he has visited you. What did you talk about this time?’

  ‘Nothing in particular. His father’s health. The weather in England.’

  That amused him. He actually smiled. ‘I told you that the English love to talk about the weather. Did he bring you anything? A present?’

  We know that he has visited you. They must have been watching. Waiting. Don’t lie. There’s no point. ‘Yes, he brought a frock.’

  ‘A frock? What a charming gift. And very surprising. Quite un-English. Was it a nice frock?’

  ‘Yes, very nice.’

  ‘I should like to see it.’

  She fetched the frock which she had hung in the cupboard in Dirk’s bedroom and held it up in silence. He looked at it consideringly, his head on one side. ‘Charming. You interest me even more, Fräulein.’ He reached out to finger the hem. ‘This is a gown that a man would buy for a woman he loved and respected. How he sees her, or wishes to see her. On a pedestal. You may put it away now, thank you.’

  When she had sat down again, he said, ‘What else has he given you?’

  Don’t lie. Tell the truth or he’ll catch you out. ‘A tea set.’

  ‘A tea set? That’s even more surprising but, of course, the English drink a lot of tea. What kind of tea set? Did he bring it all the way from England for you?’

  ‘No, I believe he bought it at Gatow. At something called the Malcolm Club.’

  He nodded. ‘Yes, I know of this. May I see this tea set? Or a piece of it.’ She brought him one of the cups and he inspected it gravely. ‘Delightful.’ He turned the cup over. ‘Spring. I believe the spring in England is quite spectacular. What flower is this, do you know?’

  ‘It’s a primrose.’

  ‘Is that so? I’ve never seen one. Very pretty.’ He gave the cup back. ‘It’s clear to me that Squadron Leader Harrison holds you in the highest regard, Fräulein Leicht. And yet you say that you are not engaged to be married? Isn’t that his signet ring that you’re wearing?’

  Her mind had been so numbed by fear that she had forgotten all about the ring. ‘It belongs to him, yes.’

  ‘He gave it to you to wear?’

  ‘For a while.’

  ‘As a token of his love. There can be no other reason. Did he also ask you to marry him?’ She was silent. ‘Fräulein Leicht, I asked you a simple question. Has Squadron Leader Harrison asked you to marry him?’

  ‘He spoke of marriage.’

  ‘Of course he did. It would be useless to deny it. The man who gave such a charming gown and so domestic a tea set to any woman undoubtedly has marriage in his mind. Especially a man like your squadron leader. We know something of him, you see. A distinguished war record. DSO, DFC. A member of the legendary Pathfinder Force of No. 8 Group in the Royal Air Force. A man of courage. A man of honour. Also, a man who will have played a considerable part in reducing this city to rubble. Were you aware of that?’

  ‘Yes. I was aware of it.’

  ‘But you still welcomed him into your home, and your bed. You’ve come to terms with it, shall we say?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘No grudges borne?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You must be in love with him yourself.’

  Her instinct was to deny it and yet she dared not do so completely. ‘I find him attractive.’

  He stubbed out the cigarette in the tin lid ashtray and took another from the packet, lighting it with a match. She watched him blow out the flame and put the match neatly back in the box. He always replaced it the opposite way from the unused matches. ‘You find him attractive. So, when he asked you to marry him, what did you reply?’

  ‘I asked for time to think.’

  ‘How wise. What is the old saying? Marry in haste, repent at leisure. So true. But, of course, you would be very foolish not to accept such an advantageous offer. What an agreeable life you would lead. So comfortable. So secure. Well fed. A loving English husband.’ He looked round the room. ‘The contrast could hardly be greater. There is nothing to keep you here. And now that your brother has gone, there is even less. Nobody else left for you to worry about, except yourself. Both your parents, of course, are dead. Your mother in the bombing, your father at the hands of the Nazis. Your father was a staunch opponent of the German National Socialist Party, isn’t that so?’

  ‘He was against Hitler, yes.’

  ‘Your mother, too?’

  ‘My mother was a milliner, Herr Silogov. She made beautiful hats. She was not much concerned with politics.’

  ‘And you?’

  ‘I was too young.’

  ‘But old enough to understand a great deal. Surely your father must have preached the evils of fascism to his family. Taught you of the dangers? He had many Communist Party friends in Berlin. You must have known that?’

  ‘He had many friends of all kinds.’

  He drew on the cigarette, watching her. ‘Millions of Russians did not shed their blood in the war in order to have western capitalists step straight into the shoes of the Nazis, Fräulein. I’m certain that your father would not have wanted that to happen either. He would have been on our side, don’t you think? He would have been as opposed to capitalist greed as he was to the Nazi creed.’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘But naturally, he would have been. He was a man of very strong principles. Indeed, he died for them. And so, in helping us, you will be honouring his memory. We had a bargain, you and I, remember? I have kept my side of it and your brother was released. Now, it’s your turn to keep yours.’

  She swallowed. ‘What do you want me to do?’

  ‘You will accept Squadron Leader Harrison’s offer of marriage, of course – if you have not already done so, which I think you have. And you will tell us everything you learn about the British Royal Air Force in your new life with him. Not from a military point of view – you are unlikely to learn very much about that – but from the human angle. The gossip. Find out who has some weakness, some indiscretion, some guilty secret they would be very anxious to keep dark. Adultery, homosexuality, dishonesty, debt . . . we should like to hear of it.’

  She told herself that she had only to pretend to agree with him, that was all. Pretend. Once she had married Michael and got away, there was nothing they could do. Dirk was safe, Rudi and Grandfather were safe. Later, she could tell Michael what they had tried to make her do and he would understand why she had had to agree.

  ‘I’ll try.’

  He smiled. ‘You will have to do a little better than that, Fräulein. We’re not quite so gullible, you know. You will have to try very hard. Otherwise we shall have to tell Squadron Leader Harrison some unpleasant truths about you. Things that he does not yet know.’

  ‘What . . . things?’

  ‘That you were raped by a gang of Russian soldiers after the fall of Berlin. He might forgive y
ou for that – it was hardly your fault – but how will he receive the news that later on you sold yourself willingly to a number of American servicemen, like a common whore? How many was it? Five, six, seven? More? That’s quite a tally of men who have had the pleasure of knowing you. What will General Sir Arnold and Lady Harrison think of their new daughter-in-law, I wonder, when that comes to their ears? Most interesting of all, what might it do to the squadron leader’s very promising career when all the juicy details leak out about his German wife’s past? Of course, if we feel like it, we can also add the edifying snippet that your brother is a drug dealer. He was carrying drugs when he was arrested, you know.’

  She had leaped to her feet while he was speaking and he looked up at her coldly. ‘You had better sit down again, Fräulein. There is nowhere for you to go and we have not finished talking yet.’

  ‘Get your best blue pressed and ready, Tubby. It’s all fixed for the day after tomorrow. A civil ceremony. Over and done in a few minutes.’

  ‘Count on me to be present and correct, dear boy. Have you got a ring?’

  ‘I bought one in England. And it fits.’

  ‘Splendid. Any leave?’

  ‘They’re giving me a forty-eight. We’ll have a proper honeymoon in England later on. I’ve found a small apartment not too far away from here. A bit grim but it’s clean and weatherproof. After what Lili’s been living in I expect it’ll seem like a palace to her.’

  ‘You’ve got it all worked out. Nothing more to worry about. All’s well that ends well.’

  Harrison guessed that Tubby still had his own reservations but he was carefully hiding them. He wished he could count on his parents in the same way. Now that his father was out of hospital and on the road to recovery, he had written a letter, telling them that he was marrying Lili Leicht. He would have much preferred to talk to his father about it in person, face to face, but that was impossible. All he could hope was that they would both accept a fait accompli and welcome Lili, if not exactly with joy, at least with kindness and understanding.