Younger Thinner Blonder

by Sue Watson

  “It’s OK” he said in a low, calm voice. “The mud is gone. Don’t worry.” He patted me on the shoulder and I tried to stop shaking.

  “Oh dear! You’ve failed part one of the challenge, Tanya!” said Carol-Ann brightly. She had a smirk on her face, and I could see members of the crew trying to stifle their laughter.

  “Never mind – let’s try part two!”

  “I’m sorry but I refuse to do any more of this...this ridiculous stuff.” I huffed, gathering myself together. I was furious at being made to face the thing I feared the most – filth – and then being laughed at for having a go.

  “Just have a try, Tanya” she said encouragingly. “At least come and have a look.” Ardash took my hand and, despite my deep reservations about the whole thing, it calmed me. He led me over to the ‘shack’.

  “For the second part of the challenge, Tanya will spend the rest of the night in our scary spa building!” said Carol-Ann, like it was the Hilton. Ardash put his arm around me and I lent into him. For a moment I felt warm and safe but the feeling was soon gone when I stepped inside. I had to crouch to get through the rickety, rotten door and the hut itself was tiny. Ardash switched on a torch, and shone it on a woven mat on the floor.

  “Here’s your bed, Tanya!” said Carol-Ann brightly.

  “What’s that?” I said sharply, as something ran over my foot. Ardash shone the torch down, and I could see cockroaches – dozens of them. “Arghhh!” I yelled, hopping up and down. Then, as I was trying to shake the insects off my foot I noticed something else. The torch picked up two yellow eyes, staring right at me.

  “What...what the hell is that?” I whispered, frozen to the spot.

  “This is a rat” said Ardash, calmly.

  “No, no, NO!” I said. The hammering in my head returned with vigour and I broke into a sweat. “I can’t do this, I am sorry, I have to leave,” I shouted, pushing my way past Ardash and running outside. I was feeling light-headed so I leant over and put my hands on my knees. Ardash was beside me again.

  “You must breathe slowly, Tanya, yes?” he said, handing me a paper bag. I put it over my nose and soon, the stars swimming in front of my eyes disappeared.

  Carol-Ann swanned over. “Oh dear, Tanya!” she said cheerfully. “The celebrities will be going hungry tomorrow!” I glared at her, unable to trust myself to speak.

  “Never mind! Tune in tomorrow to see how the other celebrities react to starting their day with no food!”

  As Carol-Ann wound up the show, Ardash escorted me back through the trees. He didn’t say much.

  “I’m not mad, you know.” I said, for some reason worried about what he thought of me. After all, he’d witnessed me vomiting, mewling like a cat and now this – I couldn’t blame him for assuming I was bonkers.

  “I think you might be just a little bit crazy, Tanya Travis,” he smiled and his eyes twinkled; he was teasing me. I liked the way he said my name.

  Leaving me near base camp, Ardash wasn’t allowed to go any further. I guessed the twisted psycho TV bastards wanted to get a good old close-up of me returning on my own, empty handed – for the twisted psycho bastards at home to hate me just a little bit more.

  I decided to brazen it out and just before I came into view, I put on my best Tanya Travis face and smiled widely, showing my teeth (or baring them, depending on how you looked at it).

  Murmurs of ‘Tanya’ echoed through the trees as I arrived. They were all pottering around stoking the fire, washing pots – no doubt discussing my trial and waiting for news of their next meal. “Hey I thought you were supposed to stay in that place all night?” was Rex’s first comment as I came into the camp. Trust him to have a go, I thought.

  “Oh Tanya, was it awful?” Cindi asked. The others looked at me open-mouthed, waiting to hear what had happened and whether or not I’d passed their test.

  “I’m sorry everyone,” I said. “I couldn’t do it... I tried, but I couldn’t, it was absolutely vile.”

  “Oh honey, never mind. At least you had a go,” Cindi came up and put her arm round me. The others nodded, making agreeable noises but you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. From the vibe I was getting, I wasn’t sure it was safe to sleep near any of them that night.

  GOSSIPBITCH: Which bright, blonde, beautiful new presenter has just been paid six-figure sum for her misery memoir ‘No, Tanya No!’ The book, to be published next autumn, will dish the dirt on the cruel, bullying ex show host who made the rising star’s life a misery.

  18

  Smelly Old Goats and Stroppy Old Cowboys

  At what felt like about 4am I lay awake under the stars, feeling the dust in every pore. I was so uncomfortable I seriously wondered if I might have been better off in the filthy spa with rampant rats and a weirdo holding a towel. What could be worse than sleeping on the ground outside in the cold? Marcus was snoring at one side of me, Cindi tossed and turned at the other. I was beyond desperate for a hot shower; I hated the way my perfectly-highlighted and expensively-cut hair was dusty from the rocks and ruining the style aesthetic. And my armpits whiffed...something I’d never allowed to happen in my life before. It was torture and even if I could forget about the dirt and the smell of my pits, I was scared to fall asleep because I knew there were infra-red cameras just waiting for me to drop off with my mouth open. Finally, as dawn broke and I was just falling into an exhausted coma, everyone around me began waking up. Alarms were sounding from the diary cave because apparently we now all had to go and do a piece to camera about how we were feeling. We’d spent the night outdoors in the cold with no supper – how did they think we were feeling? I looked around, Rex was still snuggled up, Cindi was brushing her teeth vigorously in tiny pants – no doubt a directive from her ‘management’ to make sure her pert, cellulite-free bottom stayed famous.

  “Morning Tan!” she said cheerfully, waving at me after rinsing her mouth. “Did you sleep well?”

  “No” I replied curtly. “And before you ask, I am not going into the bloody diary cave to tell them all about it.”

  Cindi rolled her eyes. “Alright, grumpy-gills!” she said. “Let’s go and get some breakfast.”

  We made our way to the clearing, where I was faced with the result of last night’s failed challenge. No hot breakfast of sizzling bacon here – just one piece of dry toast and one orange-flavoured energy tablet each.

  “Yum,” I said, trying to make a joke of it. No-one laughed.

  “I can’t bear these damned tablets. I took them every day doing my Hamlet in Peru... they turned my pee neon.” Marcus grumbled through dry toast crumbs.

  “Eat up, guys!” said Tiffany, who was marching round the camp like a Nazi foot-soldier and looking much too bright and perky for that time in the morning. “We start the trek in half an hour!”

  “This is totally unreal.” Rex was looking at our ‘breakfast’ in disgust. “Man. How am I supposed to trek up a mountain on this?”

  “I agree,” I said, jumping on the bandwagon. “I’m going to...”

  “…Call my agent?” said Kara, sarcastically. I looked around at the others. They clearly hadn’t forgotten whose fault breakfast was.

  “Tanya, I need you in the diary cave,” said Flinty, appearing suddenly at my side, clipboard in hand.

  “No thank you, Flinty,” I said firmly, trying to regain my composure. Who cared if they all hated me I’d be voted out soon anyway and I could get away from this hell.

  “It’s not a request, Tanya,” she said with a little smile. “I don’t want to keep saying it, but it’s in your contract.”

  I closed my eyes for a second and counted to ten.

  “OK fine” I snapped. “But don’t expect me to say anything.”

  With that, Flinty led me to the diary cave, where I was given a clip mic and settled onto a bench. I felt like I was in one of those old fashioned photo booths they used to have in Woolworths. As kids, me and my sister would go into town on a Saturday and sometimes spent our pocket m
oney in the photo booth. It was always so funny to see who could pull the most ridiculous, ugly face each time the machine flashed. I had to resist the urge to stick my tongue out at the static camera...but even in my stressed state I knew it wouldn’t help my cause with the Great British Public.

  The voice started and it was clearly Tiffany putting on a weird accent, to try and camouflage her voice.

  I felt stupid and very vulnerable. I wanted to cry. This was the last place on earth I should be while in this state, but in my mind’s eye I saw Donna bearing down on me, her voice in my ear; “Go for it sweetcakes, you can do it, tits and teeth, tits and teeth.”

  “Hi.” I smiled to the camera, or tried to, but I could see my unmade-up, wrinkled face in the monitor and it was more a horrified grimace. And my hair... oh god my hair... the obscene image shall forever be imprinted on my mind... It was positively feral.

  “Tanya, the public voted for you do the task last night but you didn’t – what do you have to say?” Tiffany’s weird voice echoed through the mountains and back into the cave.

  “I couldn’t do the challenge.” I snapped then I suddenly remembered this was my opportunity to turn things around, appeal to the public and stop them from voting for me.

  “What I mean is...” I said, attempting an endearing smile, “it wasn’t a case of ‘wouldn’t’. It was ‘couldn’t’. I physically could not do it.”

  “But Tanya, all you had to do was lie there,” said the disembodied voice.

  “Look, I gave it my best shot” I tried, “But I just couldn’t bear it. I won’t frolic in mud, fish guts or live insects nor will I put my tongue or my hands near anything that may harbour bacteria. So please don’t waste your texts and your calls and please stop voting for me.”

  “Tanya, are you trying to influence the public vote?”

  “No! I just don’t want the viewers to waste their money.” I said, desperately.

  “Do you think the public can be influenced that easily?” came the voice sternly.

  “Look... Just vote for Paul or Rex instead.” I hissed, attempting a smile, which probably looked more like an evil grimace. There was silence from the voice. It seemed my attempt to gain sympathy had backfired. Nice going Tanya, I thought, a solitary tear falling down one cheek.

  “Thank you, Tanya... you are now free to leave The Diary Cave,” came Tiff’s strange, over-wrung vowels.

  I left the diary cave with a heavy heart and went back to join the others.

  “Ooh, who needs kedgeree! That would make a delicious breakfast,” cooed Marcus, looking past me. I turned to see a shadow heading towards us in the sunlight: it was Ardash.

  “Come over here sweetie,” Marcus was smiling and patting the spot on the ground next to him for Ardash to join us. “Ardash, are you taking us trekking today? Are you going to move me to the core at the side of a mountain, dear?”

  “Ah Marcus, you love the mountains, yes?”

  Marcus pulled a disgruntled face. “I’d rather be in a hotel room dear... I’m not one for sleeping under the stars. Not alone anyway.” He fluttered his eyelashes, winked at me and mouthed ‘gorgeous,’ as he shuffled his bottom to make space for Ardash to sit with him. At least Marcus was including me, perhaps the others would eventually forgive me too, I thought.

  Ardash was smiling and gently teasing Marcus. “Wait until the sun arrives fully... Marcus you will fall in the love. Ah, the way she shines on the lake...”

  “Oh, she sounds bloody wonderful. I think I’ve already fallen in love. Take me to that girlish sun and warm these old bones,” he giggled coquettishly.

  Ardash was sitting opposite me, smiling at Marcus’s comments but every now and then looking over in my direction. I smiled back under my eyelashes, hoping the misty dawn light was flattering the encroaching crows’ feet and that the flush on my face was the campfire, not the menopause. Then I realised: it wasn’t just me he was looking at so appreciatively. He’d moved his eyes to Cindi – 15 years younger, blonder and with a body to die for. And her eyes were locked on his.

  * * * * *

  After most of us had done a stint in the diary cave, Flinty arrived.

  “Here is everyone’s lunch,” she announced, handing out small rucksacks with Tiffany, her henchwoman.

  “Where are we going, dear and who’ll be carrying our stuff?” asked Marcus.

  “I’m coming to that… In each of your rucksacks is lunch and some water, which by the way you will carry yourselves. Ardash will, as always, be your guide.”

  Ardash was over by the trees packing a rucksack with extra water and first-aid stuff – he smiled and waved at us.

  “Oh, man!” Rex swore and kicked at the ground, like he’d been told he was going to his death.

  “When is the bus collecting us, love?” Marcus asked hopefully.

  “The clue is in the title of the show you’re in, Marcus... it’s a trek.” Flinty snapped sarcastically. Obviously, she’d also had little sleep and was as grumpy as everyone else. “We’ll be with you all the way,” she said, “don’t look at the camera...forget it’s there and think reality. Oh and do try and stick together. We don’t want to lose anyone!” she yelled over her shoulder as she went off to bark at the cameramen and take a nap. Marcus was furious, it could take him ten minutes and much assistance just to get up from his seated position, and God knows how long the trek would take him. I doubted Cindi and Jonny were strong hikers and despite all the plastic surgery Rex was well past it.

  Within minutes, we were stumbling around in our still unfamiliar trekking boots, trying to keep up with Ardash‘s strong, confident stride. It was going to be a long morning.

  * * * * *

  The trek to Phewa Tal lakeside was tiring, downhill, and quite beautiful. We trailed through dense forests, catching glimpses of the lake and the Annapurna Mountains through the trees now and then. We were all of varying stamina, fitness and willpower and it wasn’t long before some of the group began to slow down. Everyone was tired and grumpy but we all kept going and I tried to stay positive, despite Rex’s constant digs that he was having more difficulty because he hadn’t had breakfast. Ardash was our pace-setter; I certainly wasn’t as strong as him but my regular morning runs at home had kept me fit and my breathing was good. It made sense for me to stick with him because he knew the land and he’d keep me going. Ardash and I began chatting early on and he was knowledgeable and interesting. Despite the hellish midnight wake-up call, the early night and the fact that everyone hated me, I was starting to enjoy myself.

  After about two hours’ solid trekking, we arrived by the lakeside where a pile of bicycles awaited us. Apart from the spin-bike at the gym I hadn’t been on one in years and Ardash held the bike still for me as I gingerly placed one leg over the contraption. “Tanya you keep steady yes?” he said gently, holding the back of my saddle like my dad did when I was a little girl and learning to ride. He ran alongside and despite the bike veering all over the place, I felt secure just having him there with me. Once I was more comfortable I got in line behind Ardash and turned to hear Cindi screaming with joy and a little fear as she trundled along at quite a pace. Rex, Paul and Kara cycled together, Jonny was alone and I could see in the distance Marcus was walking his bike, assisted by another hunky trekking guide.

  Once we’d ridden round the lake I saw 20 or 30 brightly coloured canoes laid out by the shore: a boat rainbow, framed by the snow-topped mountains.

  “So beautiful,” I said to Ardash as we waited by the boats for the others.

  “Ah, Yes. In summer during Monsoon, Annapurna disappears, now in early autumn the sky is clear. Annapurna is Goddess of the Harvests... Without her there is hunger.”

  “Oh, let’s not talk about hunger. No-one’s speaking to me after I lost breakfast and they’re all cross and hungry,” I sighed.

  “People from your country don’t know hunger, Tanya,” he said, gazing across the lake.

  “I suppose you’re right,” I said, feeling a bit sil
ly.

  I suddenly heard a strange chanting and distant drumming reverberating through the trees and mountains. It was exotic and trance-like. “What’s that?” I asked.

  “Buddhist monks at prayer... You will see soon.” He looked up to where the sound was coming from and high up through miles of forests I saw a small pagoda shape.

  “What is it? I asked.

  “Wait and see. You need patience, Tanya... Not ‘now now, now’,” he smiled, teasing me again.

  “I’m not that bad,” I giggled, “I have patience. I can wait.”

  “Ah, we shall see,” his eyes twinkled.

  When everyone had arrived we all clambered into the boats and were taken across the lake, which felt surreal. Here we were, gliding across a lake in Nepal, the water lapping gently at our boats, all quiet as we took in the sheer beauty and tranquillity. The sky was navy blue and cloudless: I’d never known such peace. Nothing seemed to matter here – tabloid stories, lack of money, cellulite shame, they all melted into the water.

  Approaching the land on the other side, I now saw the gleaming white pagoda high up the hill.

  “We are here, at the World Peace Pagoda. Climb to the top and you have won today’s trial,” announced Ardash, helping us off the boat.

  “We’d better start climbing then, campers,” Jonny piped up as Ardash led the way, heading the group uphill. It took about half an hour to reach the pagoda temple and sometimes Ardash had to touch my back to guide me. When he did, I felt a strange tingle in my spine. I smiled at him but suddenly felt a pang for Nathan. Being in the close company of another man had made me think of him, I could almost feel his presence. Was there still a chance for us? My hopes fluttered up through the prayer flags, rising higher into the sky. The chanting was louder now and with the drumming thumping at my heart I knew I had to keep hope alive in my heart. It was all I had left.

  Ardash nodded for us to walk on and on completing the 375 step hike to the temple I couldn’t enjoy it straight away. I just wanted to lie down... forever.