Younger Thinner Blonder

by Sue Watson

  Carol-Ann clapped while everyone smiled awkwardly, obviously pleased for me but there was definitely a ‘what the...?’ hanging in the air. I doubt anyone there knew who he was and the viewers at home would only know him as ‘Tanya’s Toyboy’ and – ‘nine-times-a-night-Nathan’.

  “Well camp mates, I’ll leave you all to get to know each other. I will see you later for the live show. As we’ve just had a celebrity joining us, there won’t be another eviction tonight…although one of you will face another trial! Ha! See you later!”

  Once Carol-Ann had signed off and skipped off through the trees and we’d stopped kissing, I wondered what to do or say. What would happen with Nathan and me now?

  Rex lifted his hand to merely acknowledge Nathan for the camera and Jonny did his usual fawning. “Oh, you’re Tanya’s toyboy?” he smiled, shaking his hand.

  “He’s only two years younger.” I snapped.

  “Yeah, but he looks ten years younger,” I heard Tiff mutter under her breath as she cleared up the running orders scattered on the ground – God forbid this should look staged in any way.

  “Hey, my man,” said Paul, slapping Nathan on the arm, probably hoping to get some tips later on how to seduce women. “I just knew they’d bring you in, mate,” he was beaming.

  “How did you know?” I snapped.

  “Tan, I told you – he’s a legend and... Well, I ain’t bein’ funny but you two are a car crash...and everyone loves a car crash... It’s dirty, man.”

  Nathan laughed. But I was hurt at this. Is that really what people thought of us as a couple? Is that how we looked to the world, like a car crash?

  Nathan was now looking at Cindi. “Hey blondie,” he smiled, his arm still around me. My heart sank a little; did he fancy Cindi – like everyone else? “I remember you,” he said, giving her a wink.

  “Yeah. And I remember you, Nathan,” she snapped and walked away.

  He turned immediately to me, pretending it hadn’t happened.

  “Well, I guess we should get some sleep before tonight’s live show” said Jonny brightly. “Cindi has won us all tents but we have to share.” I had been allocated a tent with Marcus but he thoughtfully offered Nathan and me the two-man tent so we could be together.

  “I’ll bunk up with Paul or Rex,” he said hopefully.

  “No. Come in with me,” called Cindi, much to his disappointment. “We don’t want you trying to get jiggy with Paul in the middle of the night, it’ll be bad enough hearing Tanya and Nathan,” she giggled.

  Though this was slightly embarrassing, my heart skipped a little at the thought of holding Nathan in the night again after so long.

  “Tanya, look, when they called me up and asked me to come out here, I dropped everything to be with you,” Nathan said, as the others disappeared off to their tents.

  “Did you? Have you heard anything about...the baby?”

  “Oh I forgot, you don’t get any news here. Yeah, the results came just as I left...the baby isn’t mine. I told you, but you wouldn’t believe me.

  I was relieved, but it didn’t mean he hadn’t slept with ‘Titillating Tracey, it just meant she’d had several other ‘suitors’.

  “I’ve missed you, Tan. I’d like us to start again... I’m ready now.” I was holding his hand tightly in mine.

  “Oh Nathan, I’ve missed you too,” I couldn’t believe he was here. There were a thousand thoughts scrambling round in my head but I shut them all out, just pleased that he was here, now, with me.

  I touched his arm, he turned to me and despite the constantly-whirring cameras and the fact we were probably in full shot he took me in his arms and kissed me.

  “Shall we go to your tent?” He said, after much kissing – his hair all ruffled from my hands, his voice husky with desire.

  “We can’t, we’re being filmed...” But as we kissed my resistance began to melt slowly like wax in the camp fire flames. “I think we need to talk first,” I tried.

  “We can talk for the rest of our lives,” his hand brushed my back tantalisingly.

  I wanted to hold back but I was already lost. I had to have him and when he stood up and held out his hand for me to go too, I took it.

  “I want you so much, Tanya.” he mouthed in my ear as we walked arm in arm to our tent.

  Giggling, we fumbled with the zip at the doorway and once it was open we fell into the tent kissing. His hands were all over me in the pitch black, his tongue in my mouth, his hot, excited breath in my face. He caressed my skin, erasing the hurt and the longing and the pain I’d felt after we’d parted. Drunk with lust, he pushed me down onto the ground tugging at my T-shirt and pulling it up over my breasts, kissing and caressing.

  “Nathan, we can’t. Not here...” I whispered.

  “But I want you. I want you here...” He pulled down my jeans and was soon on top easing his way into me, gasping with pleasure, moving quickly and easily. I couldn’t get enough of him, my heart and my body were soaring into space and I never wanted it to end. Then suddenly in no time he exploded with relief.

  “I’ve missed you,” I said, aware that he was spent but I was still unsated, kissing him, wanting more, needing more.

  “I’ve missed you Tanya, nothing’s the same without you,” he whispered and kissed my forehead chastely – a sign that told me sex was over.

  I lay there in the dark feeling delirious, but still wanting him. I told myself I didn’t mind, I was flattered he’d been so turned on by me he couldn’t make it last. We’d make up for it later.

  GOSSIPBITCH: The new, surprise camp mate on Celebrity Spa Trek once made a pass at one of his fellow celebrity trekkers... under his girlfriend’s nose.

  24

  Brad Pitt’s Chopper and the Downward Dog

  The next morning we were all assembled early in a clearing overlooking the lake. Everyone was groggy from lack of sleep the night before, but at least I hadn’t had to do the trial. Paul had been voted to eat a variety of Newari cuisine – the most exotic in Nepal – and had feasted on, amongst other things; steamed buffalo blood, castrated goat meat, fried brains and boiled tongue. Boy, was I glad the viewers let me off that one.

  “We have a treat for you today, boys and girls!” said a chirpy Tiffany. “Yogic Guru Rainbow Stone is here, to lead you in a motivation and meditation workshop. Enjoy!” she said, with a wicked glint in her eye. I was holding on tight to Nathan’s hand, enjoying the familiar closeness I’d missed. Tiff was instructing everyone to gather round, look amazed and clap at Rainbow’s entrance. We heard the sound of a helicopter getting closer and closer and finally hovering over base camp. The wind it created was ferocious, whipping our hair and nearly knocking little Cindi off her feet.

  “That chopper’s small, it’s nothing like Clooney’s!” I heard Rex yell nonchalantly over the noise. I was watching him gazing up at the hovering helicopter. “Brad’s chopper’s even bigger though,” he said loudly to Nathan. “I’ve ridden on Brad’s chopper.”

  “Lucky, lucky boy,” sighed Marcus, with genuine longing.

  As we watched, yoga guru Rainbow Stone emerged from the helicopter, hung in the doorway for a few seconds then hurled herself out, screaming like a banshee. Tiff needn’t have worried, our surprise was genuine. We all held our breath as she ripped her parachute chord and came at speed towards us. She landed with a yelp, rolled and leapt to her feet.

  “Who are you?” she barked at me.

  I jumped. “Tanya Travis.”

  “No. Who are you really?”

  “Tanya...Travis?” I said uncertainly, adding the high inflection at the end because that’s what everyone does these days – well, people under 30.

  “You are a hollow shell, a husk!” she said, shouting in my face as the chopper moved away overhead.

  “Excuse me?” Nathan hid a smirk behind his hand and took a step away from me, eyes dancing.

  I turned to look at Marcus; he was staring at her with barely concealed venom and when I turned back she was crou
ching at my side, twitching, causing me to jump with surprise. Close up, Rainbow’s tanned face was covered in perspiration and her hair was matted with God only knows what.

  “Tanya, you will ‘find yourself’ here.”

  Her nose was now touching mine. And she wasn’t moving.

  “We all have dark, secret selves, Tanya and you’re gonna find yours.”

  “I’m not sure I want to.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  “Money?” Which was the honest answer.

  “Forget superficial chattels, that’s not the real reason you’re here is it, Tanya Travis?” her eyes were desperately searching mine, begging me to lie.

  “I’m here because I want to be a better person,” I said, trotting out the line I knew she wanted to hear – but also surprising myself with the ring of truth in it. Her mouth twitched in approval.

  “In order to be that better person, you need to let go. Open your heart and set yourself free.”

  “OK.”

  “It isn’t a one-night stand,” she continued. “This is a lifelong commitment – and Tanya, remember this: there’s no such thing as a free glass of milk, it’s time to buy the cow.”

  I nodded, like I knew this and it made perfect sense to me. I looked round at the others. They were staring, open-mouthed at Rainbow – all apart from Marcus, who had retreated behind the rhododendrons for a cigarette.

  “And you! Who are you?” she barked at Rex. He sneered at her.

  “Rex Cannon. And I don’t need to find myself, lady. I sure am happy with the me I am.” She paced round him, staring at his face.

  “The more we think we know about ourselves, the more we have to learn” she said. “We will all learn together. Come. We must each find a song to sing on our journey. But the song must be silent, within.”

  This made no sense to me, but I wasn’t going to question her, leaping around on her haunches and talking in riddles like bloody Gollum. She then demanded we meditate for three hours, before we ‘seek the sun’ in an ‘enlightening’ yoga session. She sat herself in the lotus position right in the middle of base camp, her hands upturned her eyes closed. “Ohm,” she said, every few seconds.

  “I’m not downward-dogging for anyone, dear,” Marcus announced from behind the rhododendrons, lips pursed, cigarette held high.

  I looked around and apart from him, everyone else was meditating but there was a space where Nathan had been sitting. I smiled to myself, he hated anything like this and I guessed he had snuck back to the tents; Rainbow seemed deep in a trance and probably wouldn’t notice. I was longing for us to spend some more time together, so I decided to go and find him. I stood up quietly and left.

  When I got back to the tent, I was shocked to find it empty. I gazed around, panic beginning its familiar curl in my stomach until I spotted him by the production tent. He was talking to Tiffany and laughing in that easy, handsome way he had. She was laughing too and tapped his arm in a reprimand at something he’d said. What had he said? What could he possibly say to Tiffany? I saw the way her head went on one side and her lips pouted as he looked into her eyes, smiling, one arm leaning on the tree, the other on one hip. Was he telling her how much better she would be in bed than me? How her thighs were firmer, her face smoother, younger? I shook my head to dismiss these thoughts and walked over to them.

  “Hello Tiffany,” I said with a big smile.

  “Oh – Tanya. Hi,” She said, and smiled back. “Nathan was just helping me...get some water.”

  “Really?” I said, feeling the heat rise to my face. “That’s nice.” I turned to Nathan.

  “You only got here yesterday. I’m amazed you know where the water is.” I said, trying to stay calm, but knowing I couldn’t. Tiffany’s eyes widened and she shot Nathan a look then quickly walked away.

  He stood awkwardly, angrily shaking his head: “So, here we go again. Halfway up a mountain in the Himalayas and now you’re jealous ‘cos I’m helping a researcher do her job.”

  “Exactly. Her job. So leave her to do her fucking job,” I spat. I looked at him and his face was like thunder. I backpedalled slightly: “Look, you are supposed to be here for me, Nathan. Please, can’t we just enjoy this time together?” I fished a Saniwipe from my pocket.

  “I am not here ‘for you’ as you put it, Tanya. I was asked to star in this because of my music, or had you forgotten I’m a musician?”

  “Of course it’s about your music,” I lied, “but it’s also your connection with me that gets you publicity and people recognise you as my partner.”

  “I don’t see anyone else’s partner here.” he said, taking off his sunglasses and looking into my face. He stood back and looked me up and down. “I can’t put up with this. No-one could. Look at you, standing there with a wet rag, scrubbing at your hands. You’re ridiculous, stop being so possessive and controlling. Have some class, Tanya.” And with that he’d swept off downhill and joined Tiffany, who’d clearly been observing the whole spectacle. She looked worried and I was hurt to see him reassuring her with a pat on the back as they walked off together on a mission for water.

  ‘Have some class, Tanya,’ he’d said. His words echoed in and around my head, bouncing off the mountains and returning to me on a loop. I watched him disappear into the darkness and then heard Tiffany’s tinkling laugh and my heart turned to crushed ice.

  Maybe he was right, I thought as I sat down heavily and put my head in my hands. I did become paranoid and imagine all kinds of things and it wasn’t his fault, it was because the press made up so much about him that I was beginning to find it hard to tell the truth from the lies.

  “Tanya, why you look so sad?” Ardash’s gentle voice penetrated the gunk of hurt in my head.

  “I’m... I’m just tired,” I smiled.

  “Your boyfriend, is it Nathan, the new guy?”

  “Yes, he’s my boyfriend.”

  Ardash whistled, almost imperceptibly.

  “You are not happy he’s here?”

  “Yes. Of course,” I almost snapped, wanting to add that if he was right here, by my side, I would be very happy.

  “Then why are you being sad?”

  I looked down without replying, moving a stick around the craggy earth in the shape of an N. Ardash had a way of looking at me that made me feel open, exposed. I wanted him to go. The stuff with Nathan had made me feel very vulnerable. I grabbed another wipe and tried to discreetly scrub at my palms.

  “Tanya, Buddha says that three things cannot be hidden: the Sun, the Moon and the Truth.” he said, gently.

  There he went again handing me cryptic crossword clues to life.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

  “It’s not rocket surgery, Tanya.” He said.

  I smiled in spite of myself and looked up. He was staring at me with such seriousness like he’d said something profound and I had to giggle.

  “Well that’s all very nice Ardash but in my world, love is sometimes stupid and complicated...and the truth can be hidden, or at least hard to find.”

  “Ah forgive me. It’s just that in my world, love is really a simple thing. I do not mean to upset you.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it, Ardash.” I said, annoyed. “I come from a different culture to you and we do things differently”. And we don’t talk in riddles, I thought.

  “Anyway, it’s not right in my culture to be shagging four women at the same time,” I said, referring to his earlier disclosure that he had four girlfriends, “...but have I said anything to you about it?”

  “No,” he said, bemused.

  “No, I haven’t provided you with a psalm or a list of the Ten Commandments, so just keep your own counsel and, well, just leave me alone.” I raised my voice and stood up, grabbing my shawl and staggering over to my tent. First Nathan and now this; I was furious at the way Ardash thought he could criticise my lifestyle, my culture, my relationship in a way I wouldn’t dream of doing with him. I tore at the zip to
open the tent, cursing and leaning hard into it to get it open and realised to late it was open already. I lay face down inside the tent with my legs out, stunned.

  “Pissed again, dear?” came Marcus’s voice from the camp fire.

  “Oh, fuck off!” I shouted through canvas.

  I didn’t know what was happening any more. The foundations of my life had been rocked in the last few days and I just didn’t know what to believe. I unclipped the microphone pack that we were supposed to wear all the time and pushed it outside the tent, then I zipped up the front, shutting out the cameras, the public, the world. I lay on my sleeping bag and finally followed one of Rainbow’s instructions: I let it all out, curled up in a ball, and cried.

  GOSSIPBITCH: Which shamed talk-show host is on the verge of another on-air breakdown? And who’s been making secret plans to meet in the mountains for hot celebrity sex?

  25

  Celebrity Sex and a Mountain Meltdown

  I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up it was dark. With no watch, I had no idea what the time was but I knew it couldn’t be past midnight as we hadn’t been summoned for the live section of the show yet. I looked over at where Nathan should have been sleeping and my heart plummeted – there was no-one there.

  I started to unzip my tent when I heard noises from outside, low voices and giggles, carried in the still night air. A man’s voice...and a girl’s. My blood started to pulse in my head. Nathan and Tiffany? I lay back down on my sleeping bag, trying to push the thoughts out of my mind. It could easily be someone else – couldn’t it? It was no good: I sat up, straining to hear the voices, which were now peppered by moaning. My head was rushing with blood, and the noise was deafening. I had to know. I slowly unzipped the tent and clutching my heart in my hand, dared to follow the sounds, away from the sleeping area, away from the camp fire, which was now silent and dark. I followed the sounds quite a distance from the camp into a small clearing which the production crew sometimes met in, which wasn’t usually covered by the cameras. Which Tiffany would know.