The Skeptics Annotated Bible

by Wells, Steve

21 So that I come again to my father’s house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God:

  22 And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God’s house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee.

  GENESIS 29

  29 Then Jacob went on his journey, and came into the land of the people of the east.

  2 And he looked, and behold a well in the field, and, lo, there were three flocks of sheep lying by it; for out of that well they watered the flocks: and a great stone was upon the well’s mouth.

  3 And thither were all the flocks gathered: and they rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the sheep, and put the stone again upon the well’s mouth in his place.

  4 And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we.

  5 And he said unto them, Know ye Laban the son of Nahor? And they said, We know him.

  (29.5) “Laban the son of Nahor”

  72 Who was Laban’s father?

  6 And he said unto them, Is he well? And they said, He is well: and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep.

  7 And he said, Lo, it is yet high day, neither is it time that the cattle should be gathered together: water ye the sheep, and go and feed them.

  8 And they said, We cannot, until all the flocks be gathered together, and till they roll the stone from the well’s mouth; then we water the sheep.

  9 And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep: for she kept them.

  10 And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother’s brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother.

  11 And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.

  12 And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father’s brother, and that he was Rebekah’s son: and she ran and told her father.

  13 And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister’s son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things.

  14 And Laban said to him, Surely thou art my bone and my flesh. And he abode with him the space of a month.

  15 And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be?

  16 And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.

  17 Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

  18 And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.

  (29.18) “I will serve thee seven years for Rachel.” Jacob offers to work for seven years to pay for Rachel.

  19 And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.

  20 And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.

  21 And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.

  (29.21) “Give me my wife … that I may go in unto her.” Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can “go in unto her.” But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob “went in unto her [Leah]” by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning—apparently he didn’t know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and (after working another seven years) Jacob got to “go in unto” Rachel, too.

  22 And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast.

  23 And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her.

  24 And Laban gave unto his daughter Leah Zilpah his maid for an handmaid.

  (29.24) “Laban gave unto his daughter Leah Zilpah his maid for an handmaid.” As part of the deal with Jacob, Zilpah and Bilhah (Laban’s slaves) are handed over to Leah and Rachel.

  25 And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?

  (29.25) “And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah.” Jacob “goes in unto” Leah by mistake! (Hey, it happens—a lot in Genesis! See 19.33, 19.35, 38.16)

  26 And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.

  27 Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years.

  28 And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also.

  (29.28) “He gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also.” Laban gives Rachel and Bilhah to Jacob.

  29 And Laban gave to Rachel his daughter Bilhah his handmaid to be her maid.

  30 And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.

  (29.30) “He went in also unto Rachel, and he loved … Rachel more than Leah.” Jacob finally gets to “go in unto” Rachel. He loved Rachel more than Leah.

  31 And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

  (29.31) “When the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb.” Since Jacob hated Leah, God decided to “open her womb” and make Rachel barren. (Like he did to Sarah and Rebekah.)

  32 And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.

  33 And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon.

  (29.33) “Because the LORD hath heard that I was hated.” Leah conceives and bears four sons. And it’s a good thing, too, since Jacob hated her until then.

  34 And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.

  35 And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.

  GENESIS 30

  30 And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.

  (30.1-23) The great baby making contest

  Jacob’s wives and concubines compete to the have the most babies, with God inspecting, opening and closing wombs, as required.

  (30.1) “When Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children or else I die.” Rachel considers herself worthless if she cannot produce children for her husband.

  2 And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

  3 And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.

  (30.3) “Behold my maid Bilhah, Go in unto her.” But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, “Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her.” She solved the problem the same way Sarah did in 16.2.

  4 And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.

  5 And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.

  (30.4-5) “And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.” (These arrangements seldom produce daughters. See v. 21 for a rare exception.)

  6 And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.

  7 And Bilhah Rachel’s maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.

  (30.7) “And Bilhah Rachel’s maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.”r />
  8 And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.

  9 When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.

  (30.9) “When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.” Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) “to wife.” And Zilpah “bare Jacob a son.”

  10 And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a son.

  (30.10) “And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a son.”

  11 And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.

  12 And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a second son.

  (30.12) “And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a second son.”

  13 And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.

  14 And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son’s mandrakes.

  (30.14) “Reuben … found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son’s mandrakes.” (Mandrakes are narcotic plants in the Solanaceae family, with many associated superstitious beliefs. Their bulbous roots sometimes resemble male sexual organs and were thought to be aphrodisiacs. Unfortunately, they only grow where the semen of a hanged man falls to the ground, so they are rare nowadays. If you find one, don’t dig up the root; if you do, you will be instantly killed by its scream.)

  15 And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son’s mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son’s mandrakes.

  (30.15) “Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son’s mandrakes.” Rachel trades sex with her husband for Leah’s mandrakes.

  16 And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son’s mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

  (30.16) “Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son’s mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.”

  17 And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.

  (30.17) “And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.”

  18 And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.

  (30.18) “And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband.”

  19 And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.

  (30.19) “And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.”

  20 And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.

  (30.20) “Now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons.”

  21 And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.

  22 And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.

  23 And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach:

  (30.22-23) “God remembered Rachel, and … opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son.” And finally, “God remembered Leah.” (He probably said something like, “Oh yeah, she’s the one with the really cool mandrakes.”) “And opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son.” (Surprise, surprise)

  24 And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son.

  25 And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.

  26 Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.

  27 And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.

  (30.27) “I have learned by experience.” Laban learns “by experience” that God has blessed him for Jacob’s sake. “By experience” means “by divination,” at least that is how most other versions translate this verse.

  28 And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.

  29 And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.

  30 For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the LORD hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?

  31 And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock:

  32 I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.

  33 So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.

  34 And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.

  35 And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.

  36 And he set three days’ journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban’s flocks.

  37 And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.

  38 And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.

  39 And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

  (30.39) “The flocks conceived before the rods.” Jacob displays his (and God’s) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked, speckled, and spotted baby goats. (Goats are “cattle” in the King James Version.)

  40 And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban’s cattle.

  41 And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.

  42 But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban’s, and the stronger Jacob’s.

  43 And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses.

  GENESIS 31

  31 And he heard the words of Laban’s sons, saying, Jacob hath taken away all that was our father’s; and of that which was our father’s hath he gotten all this glory.

  2 And Jacob beheld the countenance of Laban, and, behold, it was not toward him as before.

  3 And the LORD said unto Jacob, Return unto the land of thy fathers, and to thy kindred; and I will be with thee.

  4 And Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah to the field unto his flock,

  5 And said unto them, I see your father’s countenance, that it is not toward me as before; but the God of my father hath been with me.

  6 And ye know that with all my power I have served your father.

  7 And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wa
ges ten times; but God suffered him not to hurt me.

  8 If he said thus, The speckled shall be thy wages; then all the cattle bare speckled: and if he said thus, The ringstraked shall be thy hire; then bare all the cattle ringstraked.

  9 Thus God hath taken away the cattle of your father, and given them to me.

  10 And it came to pass at the time that the cattle conceived, that I lifted up mine eyes, and saw in a dream, and, behold, the rams which leaped upon the cattle were ringstraked, speckled, and grisled.

  11 And the angel of God spake unto me in a dream, saying, Jacob: And I said, Here am I.

  12 And he said, Lift up now thine eyes, and see, all the rams which leap upon the cattle are ringstraked, speckled, and grisled: for I have seen all that Laban doeth unto thee.

  (31.12) “Lift up now thine eyes, and see, all the rams which leap upon the cattle are ringstraked, speckled, and grisled.” God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in 30.37-39.

  13 I am the God of Beth-el, where thou anointedst the pillar, and where thou vowedst a vow unto me: now arise, get thee out from this land, and return unto the land of thy kindred.

  14 And Rachel and Leah answered and said unto him, Is there yet any portion or inheritance for us in our father’s house?

  15 Are we not counted of him strangers? for he hath sold us, and hath quite devoured also our money.

  16 For all the riches which God hath taken from our father, that is our’s, and our children’s: now then, whatsoever God hath said unto thee, do.

  17 Then Jacob rose up, and set his sons and his wives upon camels;

  (31.17) “Then Jacob … set … his wives upon camels.” Jacob had four wives (or two wives and two concubines—this distinction is not clear in the Bible): Rachel, Leah, Bilhah, and Zilpah. There is no indication that God disapproves of this arrangement.

  16 Is polygamy OK?

  18 And he carried away all his cattle, and all his goods which he had gotten, the cattle of his getting, which he had gotten in Padan-aram, for to go to Isaac his father in the land of Canaan.

  19 And Laban went to shear his sheep: and Rachel had stolen the images that were her father’s.