The Skeptics Annotated Bible

by Wells, Steve

  17 Then the children of Ammon were gathered together, and encamped in Gilead. And the children of Israel assembled themselves together, and encamped in Mizpeh.

  18 And the people and princes of Gilead said one to another, What man is he that will begin to fight against the children of Ammon? he shall be head over all the inhabitants of Gilead.

  JUDGES 11

  11 Now Jephthah the Gileadite was a mighty man of valour, and he was the son of an harlot: and Gilead begat Jephthah.

  2 And Gilead’s wife bare him sons; and his wife’s sons grew up, and they thrust out Jephthah, and said unto him, Thou shalt not inherit in our father’s house; for thou art the son of a strange woman.

  3 Then Jephthah fled from his brethren, and dwelt in the land of Tob: and there were gathered vain men to Jephthah, and went out with him.

  4 And it came to pass in process of time, that the children of Ammon made war against Israel.

  5 And it was so, that when the children of Ammon made war against Israel, the elders of Gilead went to fetch Jephthah out of the land of Tob:

  6 And they said unto Jephthah, Come, and be our captain, that we may fight with the children of Ammon.

  7 And Jephthah said unto the elders of Gilead, Did not ye hate me, and expel me out of my father’s house? and why are ye come unto me now when ye are in distress?

  8 And the elders of Gilead said unto Jephthah, Therefore we turn again to thee now, that thou mayest go with us, and fight against the children of Ammon, and be our head over all the inhabitants of Gilead.

  9 And Jephthah said unto the elders of Gilead, If ye bring me home again to fight against the children of Ammon, and the LORD deliver them before me, shall I be your head?

  10 And the elders of Gilead said unto Jephthah, The LORD be witness between us, if we do not so according to thy words.

  11 Then Jephthah went with the elders of Gilead, and the people made him head and captain over them: and Jephthah uttered all his words before the LORD in Mizpeh.

  12 And Jephthah sent messengers unto the king of the children of Ammon, saying, What hast thou to do with me, that thou art come against me to fight in my land?

  13 And the king of the children of Ammon answered unto the messengers of Jephthah, Because Israel took away my land, when they came up out of Egypt, from Arnon even unto Jabbok, and unto Jordan: now therefore restore those lands again peaceably.

  14 And Jephthah sent messengers again unto the king of the children of Ammon:

  15 And said unto him, Thus saith Jephthah, Israel took not away the land of Moab, nor the land of the children of Ammon:

  16 But when Israel came up from Egypt, and walked through the wilderness unto the Red sea, and came to Kadesh;

  17 Then Israel sent messengers unto the king of Edom, saying, Let me, I pray thee, pass through thy land: but the king of Edom would not hearken thereto. And in like manner they sent unto the king of Moab: but he would not consent: and Israel abode in Kadesh.

  18 Then they went along through the wilderness, and compassed the land of Edom, and the land of Moab, and came by the east side of the land of Moab, and pitched on the other side of Arnon, but came not within the border of Moab: for Arnon was the border of Moab.

  19 And Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites, the king of Heshbon; and Israel said unto him, Let us pass, we pray thee, through thy land into my place.

  20 But Sihon trusted not Israel to pass through his coast: but Sihon gathered all his people together, and pitched in Jahaz, and fought against Israel.

  21 And the LORD God of Israel delivered Sihon and all his people into the hand of Israel, and they smote them: so Israel possessed all the land of the Amorites, the inhabitants of that country.

  (11.21) “God … delivered Sihon and all his people into the hand of Israel, and they smote them: so Israel possessed all the land of the Amorites.” (Numbers 21.21)

  22 And they possessed all the coasts of the Amorites, from Arnon even unto Jabbok, and from the wilderness even unto Jordan.

  23 So now the LORD God of Israel hath dispossessed the Amorites from before his people Israel, and shouldest thou possess it?

  24 Wilt not thou possess that which Chemosh thy god giveth thee to possess? So whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them will we possess.

  (11.24a) “Wilt not thou possess that which Chemosh thy god giveth thee to possess?”

  9 How many gods are there?

  (11.24b) “Whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them will we possess.”

  25 And now art thou any thing better than Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab? did he ever strive against Israel, or did he ever fight against them,

  26 While Israel dwelt in Heshbon and her towns, and in Aroer and her towns, and in all the cities that be along by the coasts of Arnon, three hundred years? why therefore did ye not recover them within that time?

  27 Wherefore I have not sinned against thee, but thou doest me wrong to war against me: the LORD the Judge be judge this day between the children of Israel and the children of Ammon.

  28 Howbeit the king of the children of Ammon hearkened not unto the words of Jephthah which he sent him.

  (11.29-33) The Ammonite Slaughter When “the spirit of the Lord” comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with “a very great slaughter.” God’s 50th Killing

  29 Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he passed over Gilead, and Manasseh, and passed over Mizpeh of Gilead, and from Mizpeh of Gilead he passed over unto the children of Ammon.

  (11.29) “The Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he … vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt … deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,”

  30 And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,

  31 Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD’S, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.

  (11.31) “Then … whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return … shall surely be the LORD’s, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.”

  32 So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands.

  (11.32) “Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands.”

  33 And he smote them from Aroer, even till thou come to Minnith, even twenty cities, and unto the plain of the vineyards, with a very great slaughter. Thus the children of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel.

  (11.33) “And he smote them … even twenty cities … with a very great slaughter.”

  146 How should the Ammonites be treated?

  (11.34-39) Jephthah’s daughter When Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who’d he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal’s a deal, so he delivers her to God as a burnt offering—after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing her virginity.

  66 Does God approve of human sacrifice? God’s 51st Killing

  34 And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter.

  (11.34) “Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.”

  100 Is dancing a sin?

  35 And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back.

  (11.3
5a) “When he saw her … he rent his clothes.”

  (11.35b) “And said … I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back.”

  36 And she said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the LORD, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth; forasmuch as the LORD hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies, even of the children of Ammon.

  (11.36) “She said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the LORD, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth; forasmuch as the LORD hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies.”

  37 And she said unto her father, Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows.

  (11.37) “Let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows.”

  38 And he said, Go. And he sent her away for two months: and she went with her companions, and bewailed her virginity upon the mountains.

  39 And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. And it was a custom in Israel,

  (11.39) “At the end of two months … she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man.”

  40 That the daughters of Israel went yearly to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in a year.

  JUDGES 12

  12 And the men of Ephraim gathered themselves together, and went northward, and said unto Jephthah, Wherefore passedst thou over to fight against the children of Ammon, and didst not call us to go with thee? we will burn thine house upon thee with fire.

  (12.1a) After Jephthah finished burning his daughter for God to pay God back for helping him slaughter twenty Ammonite cities, he ran into some Ephraimites who were angry about being left out of the Ammonite slaughter. They were so pissed off about the whole thing that they threatened to burn down Jephthah’s house.

  (12.1b) “The men of Ephraim … said unto Jephthah, Wherefore passedst thou over to fight against the children of Ammon, and didst not call us to go with thee? we will burn thine house upon thee with fire.”

  (12.2-4) Jephthah claimed that he invited them to join him in the God-assisted slaughter, but they didn’t come. Clearly, there was only one thing for Jephthah to do: call for a holy civil war. So that’s what he did, and the men from Gilead defeated the Epharimites.

  2 And Jephthah said unto them, I and my people were at great strife with the children of Ammon; and when I called you, ye delivered me not out of their hands.

  (12.2) “Jephthah said … I and my people were at great strife with the children of Ammon; and when I called you, ye delivered me not out of their hands.”

  3 And when I saw that ye delivered me not, I put my life in my hands, and passed over against the children of Ammon, and the LORD delivered them into my hand: wherefore then are ye come up unto me this day, to fight against me?

  (12.3) “And the LORD delivered them into my hand: wherefore then are ye come up unto me this day, to fight against me?”

  4 Then Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead, and fought with Ephraim: and the men of Gilead smote Ephraim, because they said, Ye Gileadites are fugitives of Ephraim among the Ephraimites, and among the Manassites.

  (12.4) “Then Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead, and fought with Ephraim: and the men of Gilead smote Ephraim.”

  (12.5-6) 42,000 killed for failing the “Shibboleth” test After the battle, Jephthah posted guards at the Jordan River where the fleeing Ephraimites would have to cross. When an Ephraimite came to the crossing, the Gileadites would ask him if he was an Ephraimite. If he said, “No”, they’d ask him to say “Shibboleth” (Ephraimites couldn’t pronounce it correctly. It was like asking George W. Bush or Sarah Palin to say “nuclear.”) Then when the lying Ephraimite mispronounced Shibboleth by saying Siboleth, they’d kill him.

  And the shibboleth test worked like a charm. 42,000 Ephraimites failed the test and were killed trying to cross the Jordan.

  God’s 52nd Killing

  5 And the Gileadites took the passages of Jordan before the Ephraimites: and it was so, that when those Ephraimites which were escaped said, Let me go over; that the men of Gilead said unto him, Art thou an Ephraimite? If he said, Nay;

  (12.5) “When those Ephraimites which were escaped said, Let me go over; that the men of Gilead said unto him, Art thou an Ephraimite? If he said, Nay.”

  6 Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand.

  (12.6) “Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him … and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand.”

  7 And Jephthah judged Israel six years. Then died Jephthah the Gileadite, and was buried in one of the cities of Gilead.

  8 And after him Ibzan of Bethlehem judged Israel.

  9 And he had thirty sons, and thirty daughters, whom he sent abroad, and took in thirty daughters from abroad for his sons. And he judged Israel seven years.

  (12.8-9) “Ibzan … had thirty sons, and thirty daughters … and took in thirty daughters.”

  10 Then died Ibzan, and was buried at Beth-lehem.

  11 And after him Elon, a Zebulonite, judged Israel; and he judged Israel ten years.

  12 And Elon the Zebulonite died, and was buried in Aijalon in the country of Zebulun.

  (12.13-14) “Abdon … had forty sons and thirty nephews, that rode on threescore and ten ass colts.”

  (13-16) The story of Samson

  It starts out in the usual way, with the children of Israel doing evil in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord doing what he always does in such cases: he sells them. (Except that in this case he “delivered” them to the Philistines for forty years, so maybe the Israelites were a gift and he didn’t get paid for them.)

  13 And after him Abdon the son of Hillel, a Pirathonite, judged Israel.

  14 And he had forty sons and thirty nephews, that rode on threescore and ten ass colts: and he judged Israel eight years.

  15 And Abdon the son of Hillel the Pirathonite died, and was buried in Pirathon in the land of Ephraim, in the mount of the Amalekites.

  JUDGES 13

  13 And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years.

  (13.1) “The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years.”

  2 And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah; and his wife was barren, and bare not.

  3 And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.

  (13.3a) After giving, selling, or renting the Israelites to the Philistines, God needed to find someone to help kill the Israelites’ new owners. And that’s where Sampson comes in.

  Sampson’s birth was a lot like Jesus’. An angel visited his mom to announce that she was going to have a son.

  (13.3b) “The angel of the LORD appeared … and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.” Manoah’s nameless wife, like so many biblical women, is barren. But an angel (or “a man of God”) fixes that, and Samson is born.

  4 Now therefore beware, I pray thee, and drink not wine nor strong drink, and eat not any unclean thing:

  (13.4, 7) “Drink not wine nor strong drink.”

  71 Is it OK to drink alcohol?

  5 For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and be
ar a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.

  (13.5a) “No razor shall come on his head.”

  133 Is it OK for men to have long hair?

  (13.5b) “The child shall be a Nazarite.” According to Numbers 6.6, Nazarites are not to touch any dead bodies. But Samson was a mass murderer. He must have touched hundreds of dead bodies. (Or did he just kill his victims, being careful not to touch them after they were dead?)

  (13.6-10) The angel visited Samson’s mom and impregnated her while her husband wasn’t around. She didn’t ask him where he came from and he refused to tell her his name.

  6 Then the woman came and told her husband, saying, A man of God came unto me, and his countenance was like the countenance of an angel of God, very terrible: but I asked him not whence he was, neither told he me his name:

  (13.6) “A man of God came unto me, and his countenance was like the countenance of an angel of God, very terrible: but I asked him not whence he was, neither told he me his name.”

  7 But he said unto me, Behold, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and now drink no wine nor strong drink, neither eat any unclean thing: for the child shall be a Nazarite to God from the womb to the day of his death.

  8 Then Manoah intreated the LORD, and said, O my Lord, let the man of God which thou didst send come again unto us, and teach us what we shall do unto the child that shall be born.

  9 And God hearkened to the voice of Manoah; and the angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her.

  (13.9) “The angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her.”

  10 And the woman made haste, and ran, and shewed her husband, and said unto him, Behold, the man hath appeared unto me, that came unto me the other day.

  (13.10) “The woman … said … the man… came unto me the other day.”