The Skeptics Annotated Bible

by Wells, Steve

  (1.12-15) Jonah believed that by throwing himself into the sea, the storm would die down. So that’s what he did, and it worked!

  12 And he said unto them, Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you.

  (1.12) “Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you.”

  13 Nevertheless the men rowed hard to bring it to the land; but they could not: for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous against them.

  14 Wherefore they cried unto the LORD, and said, We beseech thee, O LORD, we beseech thee, let us not perish for this man’s life, and lay not upon us innocent blood: for thou, O LORD, hast done as it pleased thee.

  15 So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging.

  (1.15) “So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging.”

  323 Who cast Jonah into the sea?

  16 Then the men feared the LORD exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice unto the LORD, and made vows.

  17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

  (1.17) “The LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” God makes “a great fish” to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the fish’s belly for three days and three nights.

  324 Was Jonah swallowed by a fish or a whale?

  JONAH 2

  (2.1-2) Jonah prays to God from his fish-belly hell.

  2 Then Jonah prayed unto the LORD his God out of the fish’s belly,

  (2.1) “Jonah prayed unto the LORD his God out of the fish’s belly.”

  2 And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the LORD, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice.

  (2.2) “Out of the belly of hell cried I.”

  3 For thou hadst cast me into the deep, in the midst of the seas; and the floods compassed me about: all thy billows and thy waves passed over me.

  (2.3) “Thou hadst cast me into the deep.”

  323 Who cast Jonah into the sea?

  4 Then I said, I am cast out of thy sight; yet I will look again toward thy holy temple.

  5 The waters compassed me about, even to the soul: the depth closed me round about, the weeds were wrapped about my head.

  6 I went down to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her bars was about me for ever: yet hast thou brought up my life from corruption, O LORD my God.

  7 When my soul fainted within me I remembered the LORD: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple.

  8 They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy.

  9 But I will sacrifice unto thee with the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay that that I have vowed. Salvation is of the LORD.

  10 And the LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.

  (2.10) “The LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.”

  JONAH 3

  3 And the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the second time, saying,

  2 Arise, go unto Nineveh, that great city, and preach unto it the preaching that I bid thee.

  3 So Jonah arose, and went unto Nineveh, according to the word of the LORD. Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days’ journey.

  (3.3) “Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days’ journey.” That would make it about 60 miles in diameter—larger than Los Angeles!

  4 And Jonah began to enter into the city a day’s journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown.

  (3.4) “Jonah began to enter into the city a day’s journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown.” Jonah prophesies that in forty days Nineveh shall be overthrown. But it didn’t happen because God repented (Jonah 3.10).

  5 So the people of Nineveh believed God, and proclaimed a fast, and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them even to the least of them.

  (3.5) “The people of Nineveh believed God, and proclaimed a fast, and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them even to the least of them.” Everyone in Nineveh turned to God? Jonah must have been one hell of a preacher!

  6 For word came unto the king of Nineveh, and he arose from his throne, and he laid his robe from him, and covered him with sackcloth, and sat in ashes.

  7 And he caused it to be proclaimed and published through Nineveh by the decree of the king and his nobles, saying, Let neither man nor beast, herd nor flock, taste any thing: let them not feed, nor drink water:

  8 But let man and beast be covered with sackcloth, and cry mightily unto God: yea, let them turn every one from his evil way, and from the violence that is in their hands.

  (3.8) “Let man and beast be covered with sackcloth, and cry mightily unto God.” Even the animals converted when they heard Jonah preach!

  9 Who can tell if God will turn and repent, and turn away from his fierce anger, that we perish not?

  10 And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them; and he did it not.

  (3.10) “God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them.”

  32 Does God repent?

  JONAH 4

  4 But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

  (4.1) “It displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.” Jonah was angry when his preaching converted a city.

  2 And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil.

  3 Therefore now, O LORD, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live.

  4 Then said the LORD, Doest thou well to be angry?

  5 So Jonah went out of the city, and sat on the east side of the city, and there made him a booth, and sat under it in the shadow, till he might see what would become of the city.

  (4.6-8) God prepared a gourd to shade Jonah’s head, a worm to destroy the gourd, and then a drying wind and baking sun that made Jonah wish he was dead.

  6 And the LORD God prepared a gourd, and made it to come up over Jonah, that it might be a shadow over his head, to deliver him from his grief. So Jonah was exceeding glad of the gourd.

  (4.6) “God prepared a gourd, and made it to come up over Jonah, that it might be a shadow over his head.”

  7 But God prepared a worm when the morning rose the next day, and it smote the gourd that it withered.

  (4.7) “God prepared a worm when the morning rose the next day, and it smote the gourd that it withered.”

  8 And it came to pass, when the sun did arise, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die, and said, It is better for me to die than to live.

  (4.8) “God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die.”

  (4.9-11) God asks Jonah why he is angry about the gourd. What about the 120,000 people that God planned to kill (along with their animals)? Shouldn’t he be angry about that, too?

  9 And God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? And he said, I do well to be angry, even unto death.

  (4.9) “God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? And he said, I do well to be angry, even unto death.”

  10 Then said the LORD, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night:

  11 And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city,
wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?

  (4.11) “Should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more then sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?”

  MICAH

  Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls. — Micah 1.8

  One of the verses that Christians love to quote is from Micah.

  What doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? — Micah 6.8

  Now that sounds nice, doesn’t it? Until you read the rest of the book, that is. Here is a summary:

  God will melt mountains and split valleys. 1.3-4

  He will destroy Samaria with stones. 1.6

  “I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls.” 1.8

  “Evil came down from the Lord.” 1.12

  “Thus saith the LORD, Behold, against this family do I devise an evil.” 2.3

  Plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin, breaking bones, chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. 3.2

  When they “cry unto the Lord … he will not hear them: he will even hide his face from them at that time.” 3.4

  Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth). 3.5

  Like a young lion “the remnant of Jacob” will tear the Gentiles to pieces. 5.8

  God will destroy entire cities, and “execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen such as they have not heard.” 5.14-15

  He will make his people sick, hungry, and desolate. Those who survive he will “give up to the sword.” 6.13-16

  “Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom.” Advice like this is only found in the Bible. 7.5

  The Gentiles will be made deaf, shall lick dust, and will be forced to crawl like worms from fear of God and his people. 7.16-17

  MICAH 1

  1 The word of the LORD that came to Micah the Morasthite in the days of Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah, kings of Judah, which he saw concerning Samaria and Jerusalem.

  2 Hear, all ye people; hearken, O earth, and all that therein is: and let the Lord GOD be witness against you, the Lord from his holy temple.

  (1.3-4) God will come down to melt mountains and split valleys.

  3 For, behold, the LORD cometh forth out of his place, and will come down, and tread upon the high places of the earth.

  (1.3) “The LORD cometh forth out of his place, and will … tread upon the high places of the earth.”

  4 And the mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft, as wax before the fire, and as the waters that are poured down a steep place.

  (1.4) “The mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft.”

  5 For the transgression of Jacob is all this, and for the sins of the house of Israel. What is the transgression of Jacob? is it not Samaria? and what are the high places of Judah? are they not Jerusalem?

  (1.6-7) God will destroy Samaria with stones, while smashing and burning their shrines and images.

  6 Therefore I will make Samaria as an heap of the field, and as plantings of a vineyard: and I will pour down the stones thereof into the valley, and I will discover the foundations thereof.

  (1.6) “I will make Samaria as an heap of the field … and I will pour down the stones thereof into the valley, and I will discover the foundations thereof.”

  7 And all the graven images thereof shall be beaten to pieces, and all the hires thereof shall be burned with the fire, and all the idols thereof will I lay desolate: for she gathered it of the hire of an harlot, and they shall return to the hire of an harlot.

  (1.7a) “All the graven images thereof shall be beaten to pieces, and all the hires thereof shall be burned with the fire, and all the idols thereof will I lay desolate.”

  (1.7b) “For she gathered it of the hire of an harlot, and they shall return to the hire of an harlot.”

  8 Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls.

  (1.8) “I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls.”

  9 For her wound is incurable; for it is come unto Judah; he is come unto the gate of my people, even to Jerusalem.

  10 Declare ye it not at Gath, weep ye not at all: in the house of Aphrah roll thyself in the dust.

  11 Pass ye away, thou inhabitant of Saphir, having thy shame naked: the inhabitant of Zaanan came not forth in the mourning of Beth-ezel; he shall receive of you his standing.

  (1.10-11) “Roll thyself in the dust … having thy shame naked.”

  12 For the inhabitant of Maroth waited carefully for good: but evil came down from the LORD unto the gate of Jerusalem.

  (1.12) “The inhabitant of Maroth waited carefully for good: but evil came down from the LORD.”

  120 Is God merciful?

  13 O thou inhabitant of Lachish, bind the chariot to the swift beast: she is the beginning of the sin to the daughter of Zion: for the transgressions of Israel were found in thee.

  14 Therefore shalt thou give presents to Moresheth-gath: the houses of Achzib shall be a lie to the kings of Israel.

  15 Yet will I bring an heir unto thee, O inhabitant of Mareshah: he shall come unto Adullam the glory of Israel.

  16 Make thee bald, and poll thee for thy delicate children; enlarge thy baldness as the eagle; for they are gone into captivity from thee.

  MICAH 2

  (2.1-3) Micah says “woe” to those that devise evil in 2.1, but only two verses later, God says he is devising evil against “this family.” Woe is God.

  2 Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil upon their beds! when the morning is light, they practise it, because it is in the power of their hand.

  2 And they covet fields, and take them by violence; and houses, and take them away: so they oppress a man and his house, even a man and his heritage.

  (2.1) “Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil upon their beds!”

  3 Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil, from which ye shall not remove your necks; neither shall ye go haughtily: for this time is evil.

  (2.3) “Thus saith the LORD; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil.”

  4 In that day shall one take up a parable against you, and lament with a doleful lamentation, and say, We be utterly spoiled: he hath changed the portion of my people: how hath he removed it from me! turning away he hath divided our fields.

  5 Therefore thou shalt have none that shall cast a cord by lot in the congregation of the LORD.

  6 Prophesy ye not, say they to them that prophesy: they shall not prophesy to them, that they shall not take shame.

  7 O thou that art named the house of Jacob, is the spirit of the LORD straitened? are these his doings? do not my words do good to him that walketh uprightly?

  8 Even of late my people is risen up as an enemy: ye pull off the robe with the garment from them that pass by securely as men averse from war.

  9 The women of my people have ye cast out from their pleasant houses; from their children have ye taken away my glory for ever.

  10 Arise ye, and depart; for this is not your rest: because it is polluted, it shall destroy you, even with a sore destruction.

  11 If a man walking in the spirit and falsehood do lie, saying, I will prophesy unto thee of wine and of strong drink; he shall even be the prophet of this people.

  12 I will surely assemble, O Jacob, all of thee; I will surely gather the remnant of Israel; I will put them together as the sheep of Bozrah, as the flock in the midst of their fold: they shall make great noise
by reason of the multitude of men.

  13 The breaker is come up before them: they have broken up, and have passed through the gate, and are gone out by it: and their king shall pass before them, and the LORD on the head of them.

  MICAH 3

  (3.1-4) God accuses the Israelite leaders of plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin, breaking bones, chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. To punish them he will ignore them when they call on him.

  3 And I said, Hear, I pray you, O heads of Jacob, and ye princes of the house of Israel; Is it not for you to know judgment?

  2 Who hate the good, and love the evil; who pluck off their skin from off them, and their flesh from off their bones;

  (3.1-2) “O heads of Jacob, and ye princes of the house of Israel … who pluck off their skin from off them, and their flesh from off their bones.”

  3 Who also eat the flesh of my people, and flay their skin from off them; and they break their bones, and chop them in pieces, as for the pot, and as flesh within the caldron.

  (3.3) “Who also eat the flesh of my people, and flay their skin from off them; and they break their bones, and chop them in pieces, as for the pot, and as flesh within the caldron.”

  4 Then shall they cry unto the LORD, but he will not hear them: he will even hide his face from them at that time, as they have behaved themselves ill in their doings.

  (3.4) “Then shall they cry unto the LORD, but he will not hear them: he will even hide his face from them.”

  321 Will those who call on the Lord be delivered?

  5 Thus saith the LORD concerning the prophets that make my people err, that bite with their teeth, and cry, Peace; and he that putteth not into their mouths, they even prepare war against him.

  (3.5) “Thus saith the LORD concerning the prophets that make my people err, that bite with their teeth.” Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth).