The Skeptics Annotated Bible

by Wells, Steve

  23 And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.

  (2.23a) “I will kill her children with death.”

  (2.23b) “I will give unto every one of you according to your works.”

  304 Is salvation by faith alone?

  24 But unto you I say, and unto the rest in Thyatira, as many as have not this doctrine, and which have not known the depths of Satan, as they speak; I will put upon you none other burden.

  25 But that which ye have already hold fast till I come.

  26 And he that overcometh, and keepeth my works unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations:

  (2.26) “He that overcometh … to him will I give power over the nations.”

  27 And he shall rule them with a rod of iron; as the vessels of a potter shall they be broken to shivers: even as I received of my Father.

  (2.27) “He shall rule them with a rod of iron; as the vessels of a potter shall they be broken to shivers.”

  28 And I will give him the morning star.

  (2.28) “And I will give him the morning star.”

  29 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.

  REVELATION 3

  (3.1-5) To the angel of the church in Sardis

  The guy with the seven spirits of God (Does that include the Holy Spirit?) and the seven stars has noticed that there are a few worthy Sardisians among the living dead that haven’t yet soiled their clothes; they will get to walk around with Jesus wearing white, for they are worthy. Whoever else overcomes will get some white garments too, and Jesus will mention his (or her?) name in front of God and his angels.

  3 And unto the angel of the church in Sardis write; These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars; I know thy works, that thou hast a name that thou livest, and art dead.

  (3.1a) “These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars.”

  (3.1b-4) “Thou livest, and art dead … Thou hast a few names even in Sardis which have not defiled their garments; and they shall walk with me in white: for they are worthy.”

  2 Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die: for I have not found thy works perfect before God.

  3 Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee.

  4 Thou hast a few names even in Sardis which have not defiled their garments; and they shall walk with me in white: for they are worthy.

  5 He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels.

  (3.5) “He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels.”

  6 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.

  (3.7-12) To the angel of the church in Philadelphia

  Jesus will force Jews (members of the synagogue of Satan) to worship before the feet of Christian Philadelphians. Jesus will come quickly; hang on to your crown until he arrives. Whoever overcomes will have the names of God, God’s city (new Jerusalem), and Jesus’ new name tattooed on him (or her?), and Jesus will do the tattooing himself!

  7 And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write; These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth;

  8 I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name.

  9 Behold, I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee.

  (3.9) “I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet.”

  10 Because thou hast kept the word of my patience, I also will keep thee from the hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world, to try them that dwell upon the earth.

  11 Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.

  (3.11) “Behold, I come quickly: hold … thy crown.”

  12 Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he shall go no more out: and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem, which cometh down out of heaven from my God: and I will write upon him my new name.

  (3.12) “Him that overcometh will I … write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem … and I will write upon him my new name.”

  13 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.

  (3.14-21) To the angel of the church of the Laodiceans

  The Amen (aka Jesus) will spit the Laodiceans out of his mouth because they are lukewarm, and the Amen likes things either hot or cold. The Amen says to buy gold, white clothes, and eye salve. Whoever overcomes will get to sit with the Amen in his throne, who sits in his Father’s throne. So I guess all three of you will sit in the same throne together. (I’m not sure who will be on the bottom.)

  14 And unto the angel of the church of the Laodiceans write; These things saith the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of the creation of God;

  (3.14) “These things saith the Amen.”

  15 I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot.

  16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.

  (3.16) “Because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.”

  17 Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked:

  18 I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eyesalve, that thou mayest see.

  (3.18) “Buy … gold … white raiment … and eyesalve.”

  19 As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.

  20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

  21 To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.

  (3.21) “To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I … am set down with my Father in his throne.”

  22 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.

  REVELATION 4

  (4.1-5) John’s spirit goes to heaven and sees “the seven Spirits of God.”

  4 After this I looked, and, behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter.

  (4.1) “A door was opened in heaven: and the first voice … was … a trumpet talking with me; which said … I will shew thee things which must be hereafter.”

  2 And immediately I was in the spirit: and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne.

  (4.2) “Immediately I was in the spirit: and … a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne.”

  3 And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone:
and there was a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald.

  (4.3) “He that sat was … like a jasper and a sardine stone.”

  4 And round about the throne were four and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting, clothed in white raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold.

  (4.4) “Round … the throne were four and twenty seats: and upon the seats … elders sitting, clothed in white … and they had on their heads crowns of gold.”

  5 And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God.

  (4.5) “Out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God.”

  (4.6-10) John sees four beasts (lion, calf, man, eagle) each with six wings and “full of eyes.”

  6 And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind.

  (4.6) “Before the throne there was a sea of glass … and … four beasts full of eyes before and behind.”

  7 And the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle.

  (4.7) “The first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle.”

  8 And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.

  (4.8) “The four beasts had … six wings … and they were full of eyes … saying, Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.”

  9 And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, who liveth for ever and ever,

  10 The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying,

  (4.10) “The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him … and cast their crowns before the throne, saying,”

  11 Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

  (4.11) “Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.” God created parasites, pathogens, and predators for his own pleasure. He likes to watch things suffer.

  REVELATION 5

  (5.1-14) John sees a book with seven seals and an angel that screams, “Who can open the book?” But no one in heaven or on earth could do it. Until “the lion of the tribe of Judah” gave it a try. He opened the seals with no problem and then transformed into a 7-eyed, 7-horned, dead lamb with the 7 Spirits of God. The point is, I guess, that both the lion and the lamb are really Jesus, and only he (they?) have the strength to break the seals. So he does it and everyone (the 100 million angels and monsters in heaven, and all the animals on earth) says how great he is for doing it.

  5 And I saw in the right hand of him that sat on the throne a book written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals.

  (5.1) “I saw … a book … sealed with seven seals.”

  2 And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof?

  (5.2) “And … a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof?”

  3 And no man in heaven, nor in earth, neither under the earth, was able to open the book, neither to look thereon.

  (5.3) “No man in heaven, nor in earth … was able to open the book.”

  4 And I wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon.

  5 And one of the elders saith unto me, Weep not: behold, the Lion of the tribe of Juda, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof.

  (5.5) “The Lion of the tribe of Juda … hath prevailed to open the book.”

  6 And I beheld, and, lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth.

  (5.6) “I beheld … a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God.”

  7 And he came and took the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne.

  (5.7) “He came and took the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne.”

  8 And when he had taken the book, the four beasts and four and twenty elders fell down before the Lamb, having every one of them harps, and golden vials full of odours, which are the prayers of saints.

  (5.8) “When he had taken the book, the four beasts and four and twenty elders fell down before the Lamb, having every one of them harps, and golden vials full of odours.”

  9 And they sung a new song, saying, Thou art worthy to take the book, and to open the seals thereof: for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation;

  (5.9) “And they sung a new song, saying, Thou art worthy … for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood.”

  10 And hast made us unto our God kings and priests: and we shall reign on the earth.

  11 And I beheld, and I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne and the beasts and the elders: and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands;

  (5.11) “I beheld, and I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne and the beasts and the elders: and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands.”

  12 Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing.

  (5.12) “Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing.”

  13 And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever.

  (5.13) “And every creature … saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever.”

  14 And the four beasts said, Amen. And the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped him that liveth for ever and ever.

  (5.14) “And the four beasts said, Amen.”

  REVELATION 6

  (6.1-17) Jesus (the 7-horned, 7-eyed, 7-holy spirited dead lamb from chapter 5) begins breaking seals and all kinds of bad shit happens. Before each seal is broken, a beast tells John to “come and see.”

  6 And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.

  First seal: A man on a white horse goes conquering.

  2 And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.

  (6.2) “I saw … a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow … and he went forth conquering.”

  3 And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see.

  Second seal: A man with a big sword on a red horse forces people to kill each other.

  4 And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that t
hey should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.

  (6.4) “Another horse … was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.”

  Third seal: A man on a black horse with a balance in his hand.

  5 And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.

  (6.5) “I beheld … a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.”

  6 And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.

  Fourth seal: A pale horse with a rider named Death with Hell following was given power to kill one quarter of the earth’s population with the sword, starvation, and “the beasts of the earth.”

  7 And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.

  8 And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.

  (6.8) “I … behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.”

  Fifth seal: Dead martyrs. (This is the excuse for all the other killing.)

  9 And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held:

  (6.9) “When he had opened the fifth seal, I saw… the souls of them that were slain for the word of God.”

  (6.10-11) The martyrs just can’t wait until everyone is slaughtered. God gives them white robes and tells them to wait until he’s done with his killing spree.