Pride Must Be a Place

by Kevin Craig

  “Can it,” I say. Simon is now completely oblivious. He’s just happy to be outside. We pick up the pace to stay close behind him. Something is wrong with this configuration. Shouldn’t I be walking with my boyfriend?

  “Okay, Ezra,” Nettie says. “What is it?”

  “I just came from Alex’s place.”

  I allow her to take this in. It clearly means nothing to her, though, since for the past few days I’ve been doing a bit of lying and deceitful maneuvering myself. All of my conflicted crisis over my friendship with Alex has been internal. I haven’t really shared the gist of it with anyone. Sure, I’ve been vocal in my complaining about him, and how pissed off I am at him. But I haven’t really shared it with anyone. Strike that. Holy. I actually shared it with my father, of all people. I just never really shared with Simon or Nettie what’s really in my heart. But I told my dad. Wow.

  It’s been too difficult to deal with, inside my head. Now, I think I’m ready to say it out loud.

  She’s being patient waiting for me to continue.

  “I walked out on him and I had this gut feeling that was the last time I’ll ever be in his house.”

  She puts the brakes on and grabs my arm to stop me.

  “Hold it. What?”

  Simon keeps walking ahead of us.

  “I can’t do it anymore, Net. I try to think of reasons to continue being his friend and…well, there just aren’t any. I don’t want to beat him when he’s down, but…I just can’t. I can’t forgive the way he’s been acting. He’s doing so many things that are wrong, I don’t know where to begin.”

  “He has been a monumental doucherag. But still. Are you sure? This is pretty big. You’re practically best friends, Ez.”

  “No. You’re my best friend. Alex is…well, I’ve been thinking that we might have been friends of convenience this whole time. If there’s one thing this club is showing me, it’s that anyone can be friends…as long as you have enough in common. You know Alex and I are friends because we’re both gay. But that’s not enough. Why should we be friends based on one thing? Sexuality doesn’t make a person. It’s such a ridiculously small fraction of who we are.”

  Nettie jumps out in front of me, and faces me.

  “Hold that thought,” she says, putting her hand up to stop me. She turns to look behind her, down the sidewalk and calls out, “Hey, Simon. Hold up.”

  I hear a faint, “Oops.” She turns back to face me. Now that we’re standing still, she motions for me to continue. So I do.

  “Ever since I first found him on that Rub app, I’ve been feeling this way. I can’t shake it anymore. The whole thing with Will…it just made everything more clear to me. Alex has done this to himself.”

  “Holy shit,” she says.

  Simon is now beside me.

  “I know this has been getting to you, babe,” he says. I try not to freak out at the fact that he’s just used a term of endearment on me, but I can’t lie. I love the way that sounds. “You have to do what feels right, Ezra.”

  “Holy shit,” Nettie says again.

  “I just don’t know. I know there’s no excuse for what Will did. Still…I’m so conflicted. I hate this. Alex comes back to school tomorrow. I don’t think we can go back to normal. I mean, he doesn’t even have a clue he’s done anything wrong. That’s the worst part. He just goes about his life, unconcerned that someone else’s has been completely obliterated.”

  “Holy Shit.”

  “Nettie. Stop saying that. I need your advice. I’m dying here.”

  “Whoa, Ez,” Simon says. “This is so not on Nettie. Don’t even ask her. That’s not fair.”

  “I don’t know what to do.” I practically scream it as my fists come down against my outer thighs. I’ve never been this frustrated ever. “I hate this.”

  She goes to say it one more time and I swear to God I’ll lose it if she does. Simon must sense this because he raises a hand to stop her from speaking. He steps between us, reaches in and grabs my face in his hands and kisses me.

  And for a moment the struggle dissipates and I allow myself to let Alex float from my thoughts. And I know I’ve known the answer all along. I know what I need to do. Simon’s kiss gives me the calm I needed to make peace with my decision.

  CHAPTER 31

  I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

  I don’t know why I’m such a coward. It’s almost like I totally lost all the resolve that hit me like a rock yesterday while I stood there on the sidewalk with Simon’s lips on mine and Nettie looking lost and perplexed beside us.

  If I don’t say or do something fast, I’m just going to allow it to happen. I’ll just allow Alex to walk back into the swing of things and I’ll go on pretending I’m not completely disgusted by him.

  Even as he stands in front of me at my locker, all confrontational and hands on hips demanding to know why I walked out on him yesterday, I can’t summon the courage to tell him we’re through. This is one of those times I wish Simon wasn’t Catholic. So he would be here with me, where he belongs. In my school, by my side.

  But I couldn’t make him take care of this for me, anyway. This is clearly something I need to do on my own.

  “I mean, the least you could have done was taken the needle off the goddamned record, Ezra. I swear, you’re such a douche sometimes.”

  I stand and listen to the scolding. And in my head I add to the case against him.

  “If you stopped to consider others just once, you’d be such a better person. But you’re selfish. You walk around with your head in the clouds thinking me, me, me.”

  His eye is almost back to normal. Sort of. His stitches are gone. His face is slowly calming down, except for what will eventually be two little scars where the stitches once were. Battle wounds to remind him that he’s the world’s biggest asshole. Scratch that. He’ll never once look at them that way.

  “Earth to Ezra,” he says. “Pay attention. I’m talking to—”

  “Go. Away.”

  I have no idea how loud I say this until the din around us drops down a level. His jaw drops.

  “What did you just say to me?”

  “I said. Go. Away.” This time I say it even louder. And with more courage and determination. It is the roar of a lion.

  The noise level drops now to almost silence. In the three or four seconds before he explodes all I hear is a solitary sneaker squeak against the floor as its owner comes to a halt to take in the scene that everyone else around him has already clued in on.

  I can see the wheels turning in his head. All around us are Homecoming posters and rainbow festooned Wheel of Chance booth posters. And kids stuck in states of suspended animation gawking at the two of us waiting for the next move to be made.

  Of course he explodes. Alex is thirty seconds into his rant before I realize I just don’t care anymore. He’s screaming just to hear himself scream. Typical Alex. I imagine he sees his life as a series of scenes in which he is the star.

  “…and if you think for one minute that you can talk to me like that, Ezra, you have another thing co—”

  “Alex,” I say, cutting him off mid-rant. But he doesn’t want to hear me now. He’s too busy listening to himself. Giving his fans a show.

  “It’s my first day back to school and you choose now to be an asshole to me? What is wrong with—”

  “Alex.”

  This time I yell it. It pushes him back. I can’t pay too much attention, because he looks hurt. I can’t get drawn into that, or I’ll stop myself. I have to plough forward or I’ll lose momentum and feel sorry for him and not follow through.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” I say. I point to him and then to myself. “You and me. Alex, I can’t be your friend anymore. I’m sorry, but…I just can’t. What you did. It was pretty bad.”

  It’s still pin-drop silent around us, aside from the odd ooh and ah. Then I hear someone say lovers’ fight and snigger. Yep, because we’re both gay and we’re friends…t
hat makes us lovers. Absolutely.

  Alex winds up for what is sure to be another abusive tirade. His face is beet red and it’s quite possible he’s frothing at the mouth. Before he’s able to get the first word out I put my hand out to stop him.

  “Wait. Don’t bother. I’m done.” I turn my back to him, close my locker, and snap my combination lock shut. I can feel his eyes burning into the back of my head, but I can’t back down now.

  I walk away, leaving him there with his audience. All of them, Alex included, remain silent as I reach the end of the hall and go through the doorway to the stairwell. The din rises again as the door slowly closes and I hit the first stair.

  CHAPTER 32

  “You don’t even have to tell me,” Nettie says as I seek her out in the cafeteria later. “The whole school is talking about it.”

  I’m sure she’s exaggerating. Then again, maybe not. I feel like I’ve been under a microscope since this morning.

  “Can we get out of here?” I ask.

  “That’s exactly what I was going to suggest. Just let me get my lunch first, though.” We are in line, after all. I’m not going to tear her out of line. “Marc can come with us. He’s at the table waiting for us. Why don’t you go get him? I’ll be done soon. I’ll get your banana.”

  She takes the banana from my grasp. Like an automaton, I leave her and walk toward Marc.

  I try to scan the caf without looking like I’m scanning the caf. Thank God I haven’t set eyes on Alex again since my exit. An exit that had me cowering in a stall in the main floor washroom, I’ll have you know. Just saying. I’m not good at things like this. I may have gotten slightly emotional over it once all was said and done. I never actually unfriended someone in real life like that before, to be honest. It’s a lot harder than just clicking the unfriend button. Besides, usually you just drift apart from friends.

  I don’t want to see him.

  “Hey, Ez,” Marc says.

  “Hey. Nettie’s just getting her lunch. We’re going to take off.”

  “I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to see him right now if I were you, either. You just know he’d make a scene in here.”

  “How’d you know?”

  “I might be new, but I’m not stupid.”

  “Good point.”

  He gets up and follows me back to Nettie, who’s checking out at the cash register.

  “Hey guys,” she says, handing me my banana. I rip it open and follow them out of the caf.

  Once outside, Nettie turns to me. Her expression is now one of excitement. I mean, like she’s gonna burst a vessel or something.

  “What?” I can’t deal with an excited Nettie right now. Heel.

  “I have a surprise for you,” she says. Then she includes Marc. “For both of you.”

  “What is it?” I say. I immediately recognize the lameness in the question. Ack. “Don’t answer that.”

  “I wasn’t going to,” she says. “Come on.”

  As I begin to wolf down my banana she pulls her phone out. “I just need to text someone. We were going to do this later, but I think now might be the perfect time.”

  “Where’re we going?” I ask. She just keeps walking. I look to Marc questioningly. But his returned look of bafflement confirms he has no idea what’s going on.

  “Do you want to talk about it, Ez?” Nettie asks as she directs us through the hallways.

  “Not really. Can we just do whatever it is we’re doing here? I don’t really want to talk about him. Or run into him.”

  “Fair enough. Me neither.”

  “Make that three,” Marc says. “Nobody’s ever asked me, but I’m not exactly a fan either. Can you say strained?”

  It’s true. Even when I had asked Alex to at least try to be nice to Marc, their relationship was strained. I’m sure Alex wasn’t getting that certain you’re-the-special-special-center-of-the-universe feeling from Marc that he has come to expect from the people in his circle.

  “I’ll give you that one, dude,” I say as we turn a corner and it dawns on me. I know where we’re going. We’re going to the classroom where we meet for the club. How do I know this? Because as we approach it, Malcolm pokes his head out the partially ajar door. Only, he’s attempting to be stealth about it. And failing miserably.

  “Hey, Malcolm,” I say. I want to make sure he knows I see him.

  “Oops. Sorry, Nettie. Hey guys. I ran over when I got your text. I was just peeking to see if you were close.”

  “No worries, Malcolm,” Nettie says. Malcolm comes out of the classroom and shuts the door behind himself. He stands sentinel in front of us, forcing us to stop.

  “Remember when I wouldn’t let you see my room?”

  “Um, it was yesterday. Of course I remember. You totally lied to me and said it was messy because of a school project.”

  “Not entirely a lie,” she says. She beams. “It was a kind of school project.”

  Malcolm smirks.

  “What’s going on?” Marc says. He tries to peek past Malcolm in through the window in the door, but Malcolm has suddenly reclaimed his stealth. He’s too quick to allow him to get a good look.

  “Well,” Nettie begins. “The other day I had this amazing idea. I knew I had to figure out a way to make it happen.”

  “Okay,” I say. “And…”

  “And, when you came over, that’s what I was doing.” She looks to Malcolm and they smile at each other conspiratorially.

  “Ready?” Malcolm asks, becoming all businesslike.

  “Where’s a drumroll when you need one?” Nettie says. “Okay, Malcolm. Go for it.”

  Malcolm turns around and slowly opens the door, stepping aside so that he’s no longer blocking the way.

  And standing there in the middle of the room is the most awesome thing. The big six wheel. Only, it’s no longer just the big six wheel we saw at the rental place. The sign over-top of it says Wheel of Pride. The old sign—the one that said Wheel of Chance—is nowhere in sight. They had spent so much time creating the old sign that day in the prep meeting too. Four or five of them had it spread out on the floor. They had worked tediously with paintbrushes and markers decorating it, getting it just right.

  Marc and I step inside the room and look at each other. I know the look of surprise and excitement on his face is the same thing he’s seeing on mine.

  “Wow,” Marc says.

  When we went to the rental place with Mr. Reason to book the big six wheel and roulette table, the big six looked nothing like it looks now. It is totally transformed. Every second pie slice in the wheel is a bright slab of rainbow colour.

  “Nettie,” I say. “This is so incredible. I mean, it’s amazing. I love it. Just…wow.”

  “I had to go back to the rental place and beg them to let me make a template of the pie slices so we could make them just right and then put them on later. And Mr. Reason let us rent it for an extra two days so we could get it ready ahead of time. Malcolm drove his bike all over the city looking for the right colours.”

  And he found them. The slice at the top of the wheel is red. And clockwise around the wheel the slices all match the rainbow flag perfectly. Orange, then yellow, then green, blue, and finally, purple.

  Malcolm steps up to the wheel. He’s so filled with pride himself that it makes me want to bawl. My little brother.

  Malcolm takes the side of the wheel in his hands and gets ready to give it a good spin. “You know what’s even cooler? Watch the way it looks when it’s spinning.” He lets it rip.

  He’s right. It looks amazing. The colours bleed into each other and the illusion of fluidity is mesmerizing. And the sound! As the flap on the wheel spins around, ticking off the pegs around the outside of the wheel, the tah-tah-tah-tah-tah-tah-tah rapid gunfire sound fills the room. I have goose-bumps.

  “Wow,” Marc says. He’s transfixed by it. Strike that. He’s transfixed by the surprise. I can tell he’s loving this, the whole package…that they did this behind our backs
for us. I can tell, because I’m feeling the same way.

  “This must have taken forever.”

  “Nah,” Nettie says, filled with modesty. “After Malcolm finally found the material for the pie slices, it took nothing to make them. The sign took a lot of work, but it was fun, right, Malcolm?”

  “Yep. I spent two days at Nettie’s place working on it with her. I’d run over right after school and her mom would let me in before you guys even had time to leave school. It was a mad dash. We were so afraid you’d see me.”

  “And it was fun working with Malcolm, too,” Nettie said. They laugh conspiratorially.

  “I love it,” Marc finally says. “It’s incredible. I love it.”

  “Me too, Net. It’s amazing. Oh my god, it’s so gay,” I say. Then I realize how inappropriate it is to say that. I put a hand to my mouth in shock and look around at everyone. We burst into laughter as the wheel slows down and comes to a stop on Purple.

  My second favourite colour.

  Nettie picks up a purple envelope from the desk beside the wheel and presents it to me with a, “Tada!”

  I hadn’t even seen the rainbow envelopes all lined up on the table in the same order as the colours displayed on the wheel. And beside the envelopes, there’s an explosion of pamphlets and handouts on bullying, homophobia, sexuality, trans support, safe sex, coming out, suicide prevention hotlines and everything else related to the territory. I squeal in delight and then giggle at the sound I make.

  I open the envelope and inside there’s a coupon for a Double Dare Brownie at Elixir. I smile and wave it in the air like I just won the lottery.

  “Only, this one isn’t for keeps!” Nettie says, ripping both the coupon and the envelope from my hands. “Demonstration purposes only, Ez. Sorry, not sorry. Too bad, so sad.” She reinserts the coupon into the envelope and returns it to the purple pile. Naturally, I pretend to cry.

  “Nettie, this is incredible,” Marc says.