The Delhi Detective's Handbook

by Tarquin Hall

  Double Booking

  Two couples attempted to take possession of the same apartment, both parties having purchased the property from a certain broker who happened to be a total goonda. Finding the miscreant did not prove at all challenging in the least, like following crumbs to a cookie jar in fact. But retrieving the funds is proving another matter as the broker has political connections at the highest level, not to mention the UP police in his back pocket.

  Moustache Theft

  Mr. Tarqin saw fit to include this unusual case in Case of the Deadly Butter Chicken. It involved the theft of the world’s longest moustache from right under the nose of its owner by a certain desperate individual.

  Death by Electrocution

  A jeweller with a shop in a certain market in an upmarket section of south Delhi parked his car in the usual spot. Upon opening the door and alighting, he stepped directly into a puddle of muddy water (this was following heavy rain) and thus expired on the spot. Cause of death was electrocution. His widow alleged foul play and retained my services, demanding I prove his chief competitor and rival was the one responsible for getting him bumped off. Regrettably I was unable to give full satisfaction to her. That is to say, after careful examination of the scene, I came to the undeniable conclusion that the death occurred by accident courtesy of gross negligence. In fact, some live wires were hanging loose from one air conditioner unit nearby and thanks to sloppy standards of installation and lack of concern for public safety, these same wires got into contact with a metal pole placed at the scene by some construction workers. Thus the electrical voltage ran down the metal pole into the puddle of water and the victim went to Heavenly Abode. Unfortunately, Madam would not accept my findings at face value and has since accused me of getting bought off. This allegation I vehemently and strenuously deny, yet she has taken out a case against me. What to do?

  Motu Kidnapping

  A boy of fourteen years who was doing every day timepass with video games on his parents’ sofa while eating chips and ladoos and even cursing his parents like anything was snatched from his home by unknown persons. A ransom was demanded of one crore rupees, but something did not add up from the start. Vish Puri was 100% certain it was an inside job for sure. Thus I established the boy had been kidnapped by a member of the family in order to teach him a lesson and force him on a diet also.

  Loot and Scoot Bride

  A most cunning and attractive female working with two individuals posing as her “parents” got some young Punjabi boys to get married with her for gaining citizenship of a foreign country. I agreed to take on the case after two boys from different towns realised by chance they were betrothed to the same female after showing one another her photo.

  Monkey Abduction

  When a monkey was abducted from the home of Mr. Arun Sinha, he was all of a dither. He believed the monkey was no ordinary ape, but the reincarnation of his father. Fortunately, solving the case took a few hours, only. From the start I was 120% certain it was a local job by one of the neighbours or servants. Thus I simply put the colony’s fruit wallah under surveillance. When the guilty party came and purchased a dozen bananas, I followed him to his hideout and thus recovered Sinha Senior, a.k.a. the monkey.

  PRINCIPLES OF MATRIMONIAL INVESTIGATIONS

  Naturally it goes without saying that vast majority of marriages in India are arranged. Approval and consensus of parents and grandparents must be there. After all, marriage is not about the union of man and wife, only. It is a family affair and therefore it is only right and proper that everyone should be in agreement. In past, it fell to the mother to find a suitable candidate through her contacts with aunties and neighbours and the like. Pundits played matchmaker, also. Nowadays, what with middle class families living in metros and their neighbours coming from other communities with unfamiliar traditions, other ways and means must be used to track down a girl or boy from the right background. Caste, gotra and ethnicity remain paramount, but a family’s social standing, income and reputation are of the utmost importance also. So how to find the right bride or groom? Many families nowadays opt for newspaper advertisements and matrimonial portals of which they are many, with more and more coming up. Boys from educated families are bringing home girls they found by other means, whether at university, chat room or office, and thus seek permission of their parents to go the marriage way. Providing the boy’s parents and all are in agreement, they may arrange to meet the girl’s parents and enter into discussions and negotiations regarding the dowry.38 Yet one problem remains: how to verify the boy’s background and that of the family, not to mention his character and education, habits, past relationships and so forth. Answer is simple: Most Private Investigators Ltd.

  “You would not invite a stranger into your house. Why invite any Tom, Dick or Harry into your family?”

  CASE OF THE MISSING SERVANT

  So many of families are using private detectives to do background checking on prospective brides and grooms. It has become the bread and butter of the jasoos industry. Thus we at Most Private Investigators Ltd., offer a variety of packages. The most comprehensive is the Five-Star Comprehensive Service. The girl or boy’s past is combed over in the most thorough way, leaving no stone unturned. Credit card bills, bank statements and phone records are scrutinised and analysed. Unusual activity like frequent calls to unknown numbers or suspect payments are investigated. Educational qualifications are verified. So are the family’s claim with regard to caste, wealth and character. So thorough is the approach in fact that we do “Trash Analysis”. This involves getting hold of the target’s garbage from the kabari wallah and checking for receipts, love letters, cigarette ends, condoms, evidence of drugs abuse, empty bottles, pornographic magazines, financial statements, affairs, meat pollution and such. Computer search engine histories are checked also. Naturally surveillance is often a necessity. Thus 100% peace of mind can be provided to the client that their son is not marrying a female who has been intimate with some Charlie who claims to have attended Cambridge but, in actual fact, attended Cambridge Polytechnic and got a degree in media studies. What is uncovered in this regard never ceases to amaze me. People have so many of secrets that is certain. Some examples of recent cases are provided under:

  Covert Meat-eater

  A young man living in an apartment complex was acting mysteriously according to his neighbour, cooking at all hours and disposing of his kitchen waste by side of road while travelling to work. Thus it turned out he was eating mutton, despite hailing from a Jain family and having sworn to his bride-to-be and future in-laws that he was strictly veg.

  Boy Lacking Testicles

  After being engaged by a certain gentleman who was harbouring suspicions regarding his granddaughter’s betrothed, we put the boy under the scanner. Thus we discovered that he was not in possession of all his fishing tackle so to speak, that is to say he was a hermaphrodite. Fortunately for the girl she was well aware of the “boy’s” problem and requested my good self to pledge not to breathe a word to anyone on the subject.

  Adopted Daughter

  One time I was asked to do full background checking on a family of textile manufacturing types from Chandigarh. The parents had one child only, a daughter whose birth certificate was a forgery. After running DNA testing I found out the female was not their daughter at all. Turned out some twenty years back, they attended a Kumbh Mela. There they found a toddler lost in the crowd. Wanting a child of their own they took her back home and raised her as their own.

  Children at the Kumbh Mela, a mass Hindu pilgrimage that attracts tens of millions of devotees.

  Pilot With One in Every Airport

  Frequently I am contacted by females who have fallen for some Casanova type who has made assurances of marriage and by use of emotional blackmail received full sexual favours in return. Such females fit a profile in that they are 25 plus and single, marriage proposals not having come their way. Often they are working in a professional capacity and are therefore outs
ide the home during daylight hours. Thus they are vulnerable. One such lady came to me wanting background checking done on a certain airline pilot with whom she had previously enjoyed physical relations on the basis of a marriage proposal. Not only was this Charlie very much married, but he was carrying on with females in cities across India! Thus we got evidence of him in one compromising mile high position with another stewardess and provided his wife with photographic evidence.

  HONEY TRAP

  General principle is simple. First, arrange for target to be approached by a young man or woman with sexual appeal. Might be in a nightclub, bar, library, gym or even temple. Second, the operative provides the target with his or her phone number. Third, we wait for the target to give call, then get him or her to an apartment or hotel room. On occasion it has been the back of a car also.

  For such operations hidden microphones are deployed along with hidden cameras. It is of paramount importance that the undercover operative engaging the target be in possession of a sedative, whether it be a dissolvable pill or special knockout spray in case the target gets frisky. The operative should be proficient in self-defence also, and have backup close at hand.

  DETECTIVE-CUM-SHOULDER-TO-CRY-ON

  While undertaking matrimonial work, other skills aside from operational ones are required. The private investigator must don the robe of the father-figure-cum-wise-counsellor also. For example, the female in question who was seduced by the pilot aforementioned was totally distraught upon coming to know that the man to whom she had given herself physically and mentally had no intention of honouring his commitment to her with regard to marriage, he being something of a bloody bastard, frankly speaking. I could not simply present her with the evidence and show her the door. Comfort and reassurance were required. Thus I was left with no choice but to sit with her for some time and explain that all was not lost. I was careful to assure her that despite the fact that she was over the hill and finding a husband would be next to impossible should the truth about her indiscretions of a sexual nature with the pilot come to light, she should look to the positive. In other words, she still had her health and should concentrate on being a good aunt to her three sisters’ children. I provided her with chai and some of my favourite coconut biscuits also. Her tears did not abate for a good deal of time despite my calming reassurances and fatherly tone. Fortunately my executive secretary Elizabeth Rani spoke with her also and eventually thank the God the female came to her senses.

  Kindly note: When taking on new clients for a matrimonial investigation, it is essential the contract include a cause disclaiming any responsibility on the investigator’s part should the evidence result in an end to the relationship between prospective bride and groom. It is also equally vital the parents don’t reveal that they have engaged an investigator in case they tip off the target.

  One last thing regarding matrimonial cases is there: with regard to payment, always insist on cash or banker’s draft in advance. Too often in past I have been left high and dry, especially when the marriage has gone for a toss and been called off.

  SECTION THREE

  Operating in Modern India, a Most Challenging Environment

  INTRODUCTION

  Let us get down to nitty-gritty at long last. A new case comes along. Could be anything from the looting of someone’s lunch tiffin to a serial killing. Either way doesn’t matter: principles of investigation must remain same. Number one, evidence and intelligence must first be sought. Second, all facts and circumstances must be weighed and considered without barking up a wrong tree. Thirdly, once all evidence and intelligence is gathered and all clues have been followed then only can the proper conclusion be drawn. Finally, guilty part or parties can be apprehended. This last part requires careful consideration given that, in India, Rule of Law is on thin ice at best. This matter is something I will address later on. For now let us concern ourselves with how to go about gathering intelligence and crucial evidence, those being the most important factors by far.

  SOME MISCONCEPTIONS

  Allow me to first deal with one misconception. TV has given a wrong impression regarding the work of the criminal investigator. So many trainees and hotshot Johnny-cum-lately types are firmly under the impression that all conclusions can be discovered in the laboratory. But though forensic evidence can be a powerful tool, here in India it is not something upon which an investigator can put much of faith. This is due to the fact that local jawans are always first called to a crime scene and investigating officers are not inclined to hurry to the scene should they be enjoying some meter down or taking their khaana. Crime scenes are rarely cordoned off, with relatives, neighbours and also media persons free to amble around and trample the place. Thus finding fingerprints, incriminating hairs, tyre marks and so on and so forth is rendered more or less impossible.39 Furthermore, when forensic evidence can be found our government laboratories are not to be relied upon. So many times evidence goes missing or load shedding results in DNA samples getting ruined. Mix ups and constant bunglings occur also. When it comes to doing autopsies the state of affairs is shameful. Proper authorities have not invested in storage facilities, thus bodies cannot be kept on ice so to speak and must therefore be cremated within hours of death, thus expunging evidence. Furthermore professional coroners are not available, the job being poorly paid and having no standing in society whatsoever. Dealing with the deceased is considered polluting also. Dissections are therefore carried out by juniors with no qualifications who are little better than butchers. Afterward a doctor or surgeon without specialist training of any kind will do the examination and write up the autopsy report. Conditions of the country’s morgues are generally disgraceful with poor levels of cleanliness, and air conditioning often absent, thus bodies can be relied upon to decompose at a rapid rate.

  The body lay on a table in a crude surgical theatre that doubled as an autopsy examination room. A Lucknow Government Hospital bedsheet was draped over it. Where the crisp cotton had come into contact with the skin, damp stains had formed…

  CASE OF THE LOVE COMMANDOS

  OTHER PROBLEMS FACED BY PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS

  Fact is private investigators are not well regarded in India. Why? Two main reasons are there.

  1) I should not trust the average jasoos as far as I could throw my charpai: that is the painful truth. Most would be willing to sell their aunties down the Ganga for the right price. Blackmail is their number one occupation. Most are in the employ of politicians endeavouring to know what all their competitors are planning and getting up to. Many private investigators are into corporate theft nowadays also. In other words, they are working on behalf of companies wishing to steal secrets from their rivals. For the longest time I have campaigned for licensing in our profession but thus far it has been like going up against a brick wall.

  2) Honest and thorough private investigators such as my good self pose a threat to the police and other law enforcement agencies, such bodies being often incompetent and riddled through with corruption like caterpillars in so many of apples. Thus they do not want us interfering and therefore put obstacles in our way. More than once I have been threatened by officers. During Case of the Love Commandos, one held me at gunpoint and was complicit in arranging for my murder, which thank the god, did not succeed.

  INFORMATION IS LIKE GOLD DUST

  Generally speaking it is a fact that in India information is hard to garner by use of conventional means. Information can be likened to gold dust, in fact. For this there are so many of reasons. These are listed under:

  • Ordinary persons will protect their family members no matter what the cost.

  • Ordinary persons do not trust outsiders from their community.

  • Ordinary persons are often scared of telling truth in case they face repercussions from those in their community or those in positions of power through recrimination.

  • Ordinary persons will tell you what all you want to hear so as not to risk being conveyors of bad news. Thus
if you ask them whether something can be done they will say, why not?

  • Other persons will want to sound important or not want to lose pride so they will make out they know something, thereby wasting everyone's time in process.

  • In India, all types are doing gossip round the clock and constantly cribbing also. As such, stories get exaggerated to make details more appealing. Facts are often embellished as they are passed from person to person and form part of a tale.

  • It is within the Indian mindset not to rock the boat so to speak, thus people will not complain because they believe doing so will affect their lives in a negative way. Better to keep your head down and hope the problem goes away, in other words. Gods are there to help and protect, not police and others in authority.

  • Ordinary people being not literate are often lacking in analytical capacity, thus they are easily swayed in their opinions by those surrounding them.

  HOW TO GET HOLD ACCURATE INFORMATION

  Given all the above, one cannot simply interview a witnesses to a crime, cross-reference answers and thereby draw accurate conclusions. I will provide one example. Not long back a house in Maharani Bagh was looted. The owner asked my good self to investigate. Naturally I obliged but arrived at the scene to find the crime scene had gone totally stale. What is more, everyone in the household, that is servants, security guards and drivers, had been put on the edge. The police had naturally thrashed them hoping to get confessions. One maid absconded no doubt because she was Bangladeshi working illegally and thus became the investigating officer’s number one suspect when in fact she was innocent of the crime. Right away I understood there was no point in interviewing any of the servants. All shutters had come down. Most I could do was take down names for background checking purposes, find out if any helper had been let go in recent past, and note down what all had been stolen and from where. Lastly I made a plan of the house and did a thorough search of the roof where I noted some shoe scuffmarks on one wall, indicating one male had climbed up the side of the building. Next step was infiltration. Thus I got the owner to replace the absconding maid with one of my female undercover operatives. Without raising the suspicion of the other servants, she was able to mix with them while performing her duties and overhear their conversations. Thus she learned that one maid was having a secret affair with a charge sheeter. Further investigation on my part proved this Charlie had gone to ground. I knew the maid would refuse to give him up. That is where surveillance came into play. Thus we kept eagle eyes on her round the clock, knowing that she would let down her guard and visit her lover boy. When she did so, we closed the net. Thus the moral of the story is that undercover work and surveillance are indispensable.