Follow You Down (Farfalla Book 1)

by Ted Persinger

  “Yeah, of course.” His smile was still large as I turned to face him.

  “I’m worried about how you’re going to react to what we did last night.” I could feel a pounding in my head. My thoughts were racing.

  “Me?” he asked. “You’re worried about me?”

  “Yeah.” And I was.

  “I’m just great. This wasn’t my first time, Rachel, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

  I felt bold enough to press a little. “Your eyes, though…they were a bit scary last night.”

  “They were?”

  “Yeah, your eyes were burning into me.”

  “They were?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, sorry. It was incredibly sexual. I was immensely turned on.”

  “It didn’t bother you when Mark and I…”

  “Of course not.” He took a drink of his coffee, and looked at me as if we were discussing the latest movie.

  “But your eyes seemed like you were furious.”

  “Well, that didn’t stop you…” He laughed a little.

  “It almost did…I thought about stopping at one point…”

  “Oh, well, glad you didn’t. No, I was probably just focused on what was happening. I try to see everything…burn it into my memory.” He sipped his coffee.

  “Seriously? So it didn’t bother you to see Mark inside me? See us…you know…”

  “Fucking?”

  “Yeah, fucking, I guess…”

  “Not at all. I mean, I was inside Keiko at the time, as I remember it.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I mean, are you okay with everything that happened?”

  “You mean the sex…”

  “Yeah, of course…”

  “I guess. I mean, I’m still grappling with a couple things.”

  “That’s not uncommon. Which parts were the toughest for you?”

  “Well, I guess I was surprised by the homosexual parts…maybe a bit uncomfortable.”

  “Well, nobody is a homosexual here. The correct term is bisexual and I think it’s a loose affiliation at best. I don’t consider myself bi, really. A little, perhaps.”

  “What do you mean?” I didn’t really understand the fluidity of sexuality.

  “A bisexual is someone who equally, more or less, enjoys both sexes. A bisexual person will pursue sex with both males and females. I don’t, but I have had sex with both men and women.”

  “What’s the difference?” I was so young…so confused by all this.

  “Well, a bisexual man might have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I don’t. I have only had girlfriends. However, sometimes while having sex I might have sexual contact with a man. I might do some things with him that are sexual. But after it’s over, I’m not going to call him for a date and have sex with him. It’s more of an ‘in the moment’ type of experience.”

  “It just seems so strange…so perverted…my friends would tell me I’m a freak.”

  “Don’t let other people tell you how to feel, okay?”

  “I’ve never imagined doing these things…”

  “What adults do behind closed doors is none of anybody’s business. Everybody in this bed was a consenting adult. We touched each other. We pleasured each other. You touched and kissed a woman, and I kissed a man. But we’re still a couple. We are still in love, right?”

  “I do still love you,” though inside I knew there was something different today.

  “And I love you. So as long as we are doing what we enjoy, why would anybody have a problem with that? Why would you let anybody tell you something you did was ugly or dirty?”

  “I was raised with certain beliefs.”

  “We’re all raised with good and bad beliefs. Let me give you an example. My father, God rest his soul, was a horrible racist. He hated anybody who wasn’t white. If he had met you, he would’ve called you names you wouldn’t have liked. Darkie. Coon. That’s the way I was raised. But that’s wrong…and I realized that when I met people of all colors, first in college and then in my job. I realized the way I was raised was wrong…horrible in fact.”

  “I never knew that…”

  “I loved my dad, but he had many faults, and racism was one of them. And if he were still here, he would be fighting me to end a relationship with the woman I love. That old way of thinking is dying. Our country is changing. We’re growing more open to new ideas.”

  “Thankfully.”

  “Yes, thankfully. And it’s the same way with our beliefs on sexuality. Twenty years ago, we’d have been arrested for perversion. Now, we’d probably only be embarrassed if this came out. I hope that in a few more years nobody will think twice about how people have sex and pleasure themselves.”

  I didn’t know if I agreed with him. I was raised in such a conservative household. I had broken every sexual rule we had, I’m sure. Yet I didn’t hate it. “Well, that helps.”

  “That’s good!”

  “But did you enjoy what happened, David? Are you okay with everything that happened? You don’t think less of me?”

  “Oh God, of course not, Rachel. I asked for this, remember? There’s nothing that could’ve happened last night that would’ve made me think less of you. I enjoyed it all.”

  “You weren’t jealous then?”

  “No.”

  “I have to admit, I was a bit jealous at times. I felt a burning feeling when you were with Keiko. At least part of the time.”

  “But you also enjoyed it a bit too, right?”

  “Yes,” I had to admit. “I did.”

  “That’s kinda how it works, Rachel. I know it’s hard to understand. When you swing, part of the ‘turn-on’ is the bit of jealousy in your gut. The sting of seeing your lover with someone else. And yet you’re doing the same thing. It’s hard to explain. The fact that you didn’t get up and slap me or scream or call the police tells me that you had more pleasure than pain, yeah?”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “If you could go back in time, would you stop it from happening?”

  I had to think about it. “No, I guess not. Maybe. No, probably not.”

  “Then you experienced what everybody experiences. Believe me, even old swingers like Mark and Keiko feel that burn, at least to a degree. But you get more comfortable with it over time. And, honestly, that’s part of the kink of it…part of the unique pleasure of it.”

  “You felt jealousy too?”

  “Oh God, yeah…seeing another man inside you made me angry…and jealous…and horny…and turned on…all those things at once.”

  “Imagine if a psychiatrist could talk to us now….what would he think?”

  “I saw a psychiatrist one time. Didn’t help.”

  “You did?”

  “Oh yeah…a couple of them, actually. When I began to experiment sexually, I was sure I was the worst pervert in the world.”

  “What did they say…these psychiatrists?”

  “They told me I was a sexual deviant. They threw out terms like polyphilia and cuckold and all kinds of labels. I reject those terms. Nobody can define who I am. I do what I want because I enjoy it. If nobody gets hurt and nobody is coerced, then it’s all fun and pleasure. Nobody can tell me I’m a degenerate. I hurt nobody, or so I hope anyway.”

  “What about yourself? Do you hurt yourself?”

  “I don’t think so. I do things with people who I enjoy. I savor this life. While a few women have had hurt feelings, there was no damage to them…only damage they perceived from our broken relationship. It would be no different than had they caught me cheating on them or if I broke up with them.”

  And it was true…I was here voluntarily, and everything we did had been okay with me. Still, I couldn’t take back these things, and I had a feeling I was breaking some moral code, some social contract, some societal expectation. But I had also enjoyed the sex…immensely. I could feel the ache inside me, both physically and morally.

  He continued. “So you’ve touched a woman sexually now.” E
ven now I can remember that I winced when he mentioned it. I was stinging emotionally at the thought of it. “Are you a raging lesbian now? Are you giving up all men to only lie with women?”

  “No, of course not!”

  “Exactly. You’re a straight woman who, in the middle of sexual activities, touched a woman. That doesn’t make you a lesbian. At worst it means you have some bisexuality, and probably only a little bit, since it took you twenty-some years to first touch a woman in a sexual way. And even if you were a bisexual woman, and you wanted to be with women more often, what harm is that? As long as you’re both enjoying it, so what?”

  “But, David, I have to admit it made me feel weird when I saw you kiss Mark.”

  “Did it?”

  “Yeah, a little bit anyway.” A lot actually, I’m sad to say now.

  “Did you feel angry? Revulsed?”

  “No…just…weird, I guess.”

  “Well, I’ll wager the first time you kissed Keiko it felt weird too, yeah?”

  “Well, yeah…”

  “The first time you saw your parents kiss it felt weird too, right?”

  I had to think back a ways…they were not very affectionate around me. “Yeah, I guess it did.”

  “So I wouldn’t worry about it. Unless you feel revulsion, it’s just the newness, I’m sure. Anyway, when we do something like this again, just let me know how you feel. We should always talk about what happens…we’re a couple, and we need to talk out how we feel about all these things, so that we don’t cross any boundaries we aren’t comfortable with…or that we at least take some things slowly.”

  “Okay, that sounds reasonable.”

  “Good.”

  I had a lot on my mind, but I went back to finishing my breakfast. It was mostly cold now, but I was hungrier than I thought.

  As I finished up, David spoke again. “So now that you’ve had time to think about it, do you feel weird having touched Keiko that way?”

  “After they left last night, I felt very weird about it. This morning, though, I feel much better. It still feels odd to me, but it was also very sensual, I guess.”

  “Well, that’s not so bad then, is it?”

  “No, not bad.” And she had been so beautiful. And soft.

  “Good. There’s something I need to tell you…about her…”

  “Yes?” I turned and looked at him.

  “As they were leaving last night, she told me she really enjoyed herself with you, and asked if you might be interested in something…just between you and her.”

  “David, what do you mean?”

  “Well, I think Keiko is openly bisexual. I guess she was asking if you would be interested in something just between you girls.”

  “You mean sex?”

  “Well, I would presume that. She didn’t say shopping!” He laughed loudly.

  “She wants to have sex with me…just the two of us?”

  “Well, yeah, it would seem so. You can say no…it’s okay. I know you’re new to this, and maybe that’s not your cup of tea.”

  “David, I’m not a lesbian.”

  “Neither is she.”

  “David, what have you gotten me into?” I felt a flash of anger. What did they think of me? Maybe now that I had crossed a line, they felt I had no boundaries at all.

  “Don’t worry, it’s okay to say no. There’s no pressure. Remember, you only do what you’re able to do. I’ll tell her you said no.”

  “Good. Yeah. Tell her I said no. I’m not a lesbian. You tell her.” Who was I trying to convince?

  “Rachel, relax. Nobody is calling you a lesbian. She just wanted to see if you were up to it. If you’re not, no problem.”

  He took the tray away, and went to the kitchen. I heard him at the sink washing the dishes. My mind was flooded with thoughts, hurtling around in random directions. I could see my father looking at me. Judging me. I could see my mother. What would she think of her baby daughter having sex with a woman? Oh my God…I touched a woman last night…maybe I am a lesbian! Maybe I’ve crossed a boundary I wasn’t ready for. How can I ever look at my father’s face again?

  I was angry with myself. I was angry with David. How could I have gotten myself into this situation? How could I put myself in a situation where I’d be getting propositioned by a woman? Normal people didn’t do this stuff…abnormal freaks did these kinds of perverted things. They were the people you couldn’t trust your children around. Freakish sexual behavior was ruining society.

  And yet, I had touched her. Her soft skin. Her lips. Her breasts. I had touched her womanhood. I het let her kiss me and lick me. And I had loved it. Her touch was new…a sensation I had never experienced before.

  I found myself thinking of her soft touch. Her dark, narrow eyes. Her long, sleek hair. Her small, upturned breasts. Her slender legs. I remembered how warm her kiss made me. How hot! I remembered how soft she had felt. I remember wanting her. Wanting her touch. Wanting her to want me. And those feelings came back in a rush to me. I was sitting in the bed, and she had lain right there…with her small, slender body outstretched. Her slender legs raised. Her soft lips on mine. I could picture her clearly, sprawled out in front of me.

  As I sat there thinking about it…about her…I found myself becoming wet again. Just thinking of her beauty and softness was enough to make me sexually excited. I looked at the spot where we had touched and I began to touch myself. First I touched my breasts…breasts she had licked and nuzzled. I touched my wetness, and wished it were her hand on me. I felt myself getting more aroused. I was now sexually on an edge. Before, I hardly ever thought of sex. Now, sex was a large part of my life.

  My orgasm sneaked up on me. I was looking at the spot where her body had been, and a sudden rush of blood made my face turn hot and red, and then a warm, slow orgasm washed over me. It felt like rain on a hot summer day. The warmth flowed over me. When it was finished, I saw a patch of wetness on the sheets. I hurried to the bathroom, grabbed a towel, and cleaned it up. I was so embarrassed.

  I put on some clothes, and went out to the front room. David was reading a book, one leg over the arm of his chair.

  “Hi, honey…did you go back to sleep?”

  “Yeah,” I lied, “I was a little tired.”

  “Don’t blame you. I’m a little bushed myself.”

  “David, did you call Keiko yet?”

  “No, it’s still early. Don’t worry…I’ll call her later…”

  “Wait, I want to talk to you for a bit.”

  “It’s okay, Rachel…I said you don’t have to.”

  “How would you feel if I did?”

  “What?” He closed the book. The room felt so quiet.

  “How would you feel if I met up with Keiko?”

  “Rachel, I said you don’t have to already…please, let’s change the subject.”

  “But what if I wanted to?”

  He put the book down on an end table and regarded me. He looked at me silently, and I could feel his examination of me. “Are you interested in being with her?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Well, maybe isn’t the same as a yes or a no.”

  “I want to know how you would feel if I did something with her.”

  “I’m not sure what you mean…”

  “David, just answer the question, please,” I demanded. “If I said yes to Keiko and we had sex, how would you feel about it?”

  “I’d be happy for you, as long as you did it for the right reasons…and you enjoyed it.”

  “Right reasons?”

  “You did it because you wanted to, and not because you were feeling any pressure from me.”

  I was happy to hear him speak these words. He was concerned about pressuring me. I wanted a sense of control, and he was giving it to me. “Okay, if I wanted to and I did, you wouldn’t be jealous?”

  “No.” His eyes told me he was serious.

  “You would not be jealous if I went alone with her, and together she and I had sex.”
/>   “No, I wouldn’t…if that’s what you wanted.”

  “It wouldn’t go both ways, though.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If I had sex with Keiko, it wouldn’t mean that I thought it was okay if you had sex with Keiko without me…or Mark, for that matter. Or anybody else.”

  “Well, okay. I understand.”

  “That would be okay with you?” I was insistent now, holding eye contact.

  “Yeah, very much so.”

  “Okay, please call Keiko later and tell her I want to.” Those words left my mouth.

  How did I get here?

  21

  I met her at Harry’s, which was a great Upper West Side bistro, back when bistros were first becoming a thing. We met for lunch, so it wasn’t too crowded—Harry’s on the weekend was usually standing room only. It was now early summer…she was in shorts, and I wore a short skirt. Keiko wore a Beatles t-shirt. Her hair was loose, and flowing over her shoulders. It shimmered even in the dim light of Harry’s.

  We took a seat by the under-powered air conditioner and ordered. As you can imagine, I was very nervous. While I had had lunch with many girlfriends through the years, I had never had a “date” with a girl, especially one I had already had sex with…or at least sexual experiences with. It was doubly confusing because we had both exchanged men, and I had taken her husband inside me. As a good Christian girl, I felt like a whorish Jezebel, bent on further perversions.

  Keiko sensed my nervousness. “You okay, Rachel? You seem a bit…jumpy.”

  “Well, yeah, I guess I’m a bit nervous.”

  “Why would you be? We already know each other, honey.” I guess she meant the Biblical use of “know.”

  “Yeah, but this still seems a bit odd to me…”

  “Okay, well, set your mind at ease. This is just two girls having lunch. Nothing else has to happen, and we’ll move at your speed. The best thing about being with a girl is that we move at a woman’s pace.”

  “Woman’s pace?”

  “Sure. You know men can’t wait to stick it in us. Everything is about them scoring before the night is over. We’re always having to slow them down. With a woman, though, there’s no time limit…no scorecard. We’re having lunch, and just doing whatever feels right. If nothing happens we’ve lost nothing, and had a great lunch.” Her eyes twinkled at me.