Just before one there’s a knock on the front door, knowing its Tilly I yell,
“I’ll be there in a sec, let yourself in. There’s frosting on the counter.” Less than a minute later I feel the air behind me stir, that’s when I know it is definitely not Tilly, instead it’s someone I’d much less prefer to see today.
I’ve always known when Glock entered or exited a room, not because he’s particularly loud, or he make his presence known. No, I know its Glock because my body perks up and takes notice. The tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention, my nipples harden, (traitorous bitches they are), my heart beats harder than usual, and I can feel my face start to heat. Today is no different, and I hate that. I hate that he still has so much control over my body without even knowing it. I hate that I can’t turn off what I feel for him like I would a tap. But what I hate most is the fact that I’ll never be able to tell him how much I hate him for making me react this way to him.
Grabbing my hips from behind, and pulling me tight against him, Glock leans down and whispers in my ear,
“What would you do if I was someone else, Princess? What would you do if some fucker broke in here and grabbed you like this?”
His breath fans the side of my neck. I can smell a hint of coffee, the lingering smell of his cigarettes, and the cologne I brought him for his birthday, the one I love on him. As I consider my response he runs his nose along the length of my neck that’s exposed seeing as I tied my hair in a messy bun this morning. I can’t help shivering at his movement, and if I thought I’d be lucky enough that he wouldn’t notice, I was wrong.
Glock flexes the hands at my hips and pulls me even closer.
“Do you know what a man could do to you if he got in here and you were alone, Princess?” I inhale a shaky breath and shake my head. I don’t dare answer him, I can tell he’s pissed, and I don’t want to poke the bear. There’s nothing scarier than a pissed off Glock that’s turned his anger on me. “He would have you stripped out of these sexy fucking denim shorts in seconds. His hands would be up your shirt playing with those sensational tits of yours as he bent you over that chest of drawers,” he says turning us slightly to face the drawers against the far wall of my room. “When you were bent over for him, he’d pull your panties aside and fuck you hard and fast, not giving the first shit whether you came or not. Is that what you want, Princess? Someone to come in here and take advantage of you, take advantage of all that sweet that’s meant for someone else?”
How fucking dare he. Glock knows better than anyone, and he would because he’s seen to it personally, that I haven’t been with anyone. As in, I haven’t gotten past second base with a guy ever. Not for lack of trying mind you. It just so happens that my phone rings, someone knocks on my door, or I’m conveniently interrupted every single time I’ve tried anything more with any of my past boyfriends. Funny how that’s worked out isn’t it? So of course he knows I wouldn’t want any of that. Besides, what woman in her right mind would?
Attempting to shove myself forward, and out of his hold I gasp when I find myself firmly wedged against the wall, and the length of Glock’s massive erection. On a brighter note, (and I’m not too petty to admit it pleases me that he’s suffering), I consider how painful having something that big squashed in a space that small, but that’s as far as I get before I’m at a loss for words. Not only do I not know how I ended up the five steps it would have taken to crush me against the wall of my bedroom, but I can’t figure a way I’m escaping him now unless Glock lets me, which to be blunt I don’t think is going to happen any time soon.
“No, you fucking listen to me, Lex. I’m not letting you go until you hear me out.” Beneath the steel, I can hear the pleading tone in his voice. Any other time I’d care, but after last night I know I can’t give in and forgive him that easily this time. I’ve done that too many times, I’m sick of Glock taking advantage of how much I care about him using it as a way to get out of having to pay the price for his fuck ups.
Struggling against him I’m mollified when he lets out a pained hiss as my butt comes into rough contact with his hard on, he doesn’t let me go though.
“Uh-uh,” I say shaking my head. “Not this time, Glock. When I told you last night you needed to leave and not come back, I wasn’t joking. I’m fucking done with all the games, and you playing around in my love life where you have no business playing to begin with. You don’t respect me or my choices, and I’m sick of having to justify where I’m going and with who to anyone, especially you.” Taking a deep breath in through my nose I go on. “You’re my friend. You’re not my dad, you’re not my keeper, and you are sure as hell not my boyfriend, which means you have no say in where I go, who I go with, and what I do. You need to back off.”
Wrapping his huge arms around me he lowers his head to me ear,
“I heard every word you said last night and today, but you’re dead wrong, Princess. I more than respect you, I fucking adore you. Just because I don’t want uptight pricks sniffing around you, taking you on dates to fancy restaurants, which I know make you uncomfortable in the first place, doesn’t mean I don’t respect your choices. It means I know you deserve better than them. It means I want you safe so you can go to your dads’ for dinner on Sundays, so you can go to the clubhouse and kick your uncles asses at pool, and so that you can wrap everyone around that gorgeous little finger of yours and keep us all in line.” Squeezing me gently again he adds, “I don’t know if those guys are gonna be able to do that, keep you safe, Princess. And until I do, I’m not trusting the most precious thing in the world to me to one of those fuckers.” He has a point. Not a very eloquently put one, but a point nonetheless.
A lot of what Glock says requires reading between the lines, analyzing the subtle nuances of his tone, how he says things. It’s not often he says what he means, it’s like he struggles to put his feelings into words. With that said, it also doesn’t make his controlling tendencies okay, not with me. If he wanted to step up, admit there’s more than sexual tension and chemistry between us, that would be a different story, but he doesn’t and I have to come to terms with that. I have to accept that this is all we will ever be. But that means he has to give me space to do that. He needs to back off while I accept the only man I will ever love with my whole heart, is the only man that will be off-limits to me.
It’s time to ‘shit or get off the pot’, or so the saying goes, so I lay it out for him. I have nothing more to lose, and I’ll be damned if I let him go without telling him how I feel. Well, at least most of it.
“I know you feel responsible for me, in a way you always have been, but I’m not that same little girl anymore, I haven’t been for a long time now.” My words aren’t louder than a whisper, but I know he hears me by the way his breathing has become faster, coming in short sharp bursts against my neck. “In case it’s escaped your notice, I’m all grown up now. I don’t need a minder, I don’t need you to be my babysitter.”
“I’m not your fucking babysitter, and I’ve more than noticed you’re grown up, Princess,” he growls. “And what the fuck does you not wanting me as your minder mean?”
Leave it to Glock to focus on that part of what I said.
“I don’t want you to be my minder because I want more from you than that. I want everything from you, but that’s not going to happen, you’ve made that perfectly clear. Every word, every action tells me you’ll never see me the way I see you. You’ll never be able to get past seeing me as I was, not as I am, and I have to be okay with that, no matter how hard it is.” I can feel his grip on my waist tightening, I know he wants to say something but he’s holding back, for me. “Do you know, the first day I saw you I thought you were the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. I told Grandpa Pipe all about you, dad wasn’t around much back then with mom being missing and all. I told him you had the most beautiful hair, it was the same color as mine, but without the curls. I told him your eyes matched mine too, but that your smile was my favorite thing ev
er.”
I can remember that day like it was yesterday. The day I met Glock when I was sitting alone on the swings at the clubhouse, waiting to see how long it would take for someone to notice I was missing. With mom, Kendall, missing, and half the club scouring the countryside day after day, I felt alone all the time, so very, very alone. Glock just happened to be the first person to smile at me for weeks, whether that was the reason for my immediate attachment to him I’ll never know, but what I do know is to this day, Glock’s smile is the single most beautiful thing in the world.
“It still is you know, your smile, the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.” Glock’s shaking body lets me know I don’t have long before his control snaps, and when it does, one of two things will happen. He will either walk out, choose to run from me, which happens often, or he will get angry, rage, yell, and then walk out. I’d prefer he give me more time to explain, but that’s not likely. “I knew back then you would be one of the most important people in my life. Don’t ask me how, I’ve got no idea, but I did, and you are. There will never be a time I won’t love you, that I won’t care about you, Glock, but I can’t keep living the way we are.”
“But what does that mean, Lex? I’m not willing to lose you, I can’t fucking lose you, I wouldn’t survive that.”
Placing my hands over his, I answer him.
“You’ll never lose me, I promise, but I can’t have you in my life every day like you have been either. We can’t have movie nights anymore, and we can’t call and text each other all the time anymore. I need you to give me some space, some distance to make this okay with myself. I have to come to terms with knowing there will never be anything else between us other than friends.” My eyes start to burn as I speak the words I never wanted to admit.
Turning me quickly, so quickly my head spins, I find myself looking into Glock’s tortured eyes. They’re rimmed red, and I can see the tears, something I’ve never seen before, gathering in the corners. Cupping my face he says,
“That’s the same goddamned thing as losing you, Lex. If I can’t call you, come see you, talk to you, you might as well be lost to me, don’t you get that?” Laughing sardonically he continues, “You deserve better than me. Better than a man thirteen-years you’re senior. You deserve a man that’s not worthy of someone as kind and beautiful as you are, Lex, not someone fucked up like me. But if that’s what you need, space, I’ll give it to you, because I’d give you fucking anything and everything, you know that, I just want one thing in return.”
I can’t find words. They are stuck somewhere between my heart and my throat, and I don’t want to risk breaking the dam of tears, so I nod. I’d give him anything and everything too...
“I want today, Lex, and tonight. Just one last day with you before I give you what you need. I want that. No, I need that, Lex, please give that to me.”
Looking into my eyes I know he can see every emotion I’m feeling. Shock, fear, elation, sorrow, happiness, they’re all there plain as day for him to see. Part of me wants to say know, as much as part of me wants to say yes. Spending the day with Glock feels too much like an elongated goodbye, and it’s going to break my heart, but like I said, I’d do anything for him.
“Okay, Glock.”
CHAPTER THREE
Thomas
“We don’t like the term insane,
we prefer the term mentally hilarious.”
- Rotten eCards
What the fuck was I thinking, asking Lex to let me spend the rest of today, and tonight with her? Even I know this is a bad idea, one of my worst actually. Not for the reason you’re thinking either. Knowing that after today I’m going to have to take a step, or ten back from her will kill me, but knowing that tonight I have her all to myself is a million times worse.
There’s no way I’ll be able to keep my hands to myself around her, no fucking way, and most of all, this time I don’t want to. If this is the last time I’m going to have the chance to have her in my arms, next to me on the couch, in the same room, I’m going to have her as close as I can every fucking minute. And I will be, the last time that is.
I don’t need to hear you, or see your face to know you’re calling me all kinds of idiot, and rolling your eyes right now. And before you say it; I know this is a fucking stupid thing I’m going to do. I don’t need you or anyone else telling me, I’m well aware what happens tonight, and afterward makes me a monumental asshole, I won’t lie, it definitely does, but you have to see it’s what’s better for Lex.
I’m not being a martyr, and I’m not going to pretend that this shit won’t hurt like a sonofabitch, but in the end it’s better for everyone. Lex doesn’t need to hear what a piece of shit I am from her dad, her uncles, and the rest of her family every day. She doesn’t need to be ashamed walking down the street with a piece of trash like me, and she doesn’t deserve to question her choice of man, ever.
There was a time, it wasn’t a long time, but there was a few weeks where I considered saying, ‘fuck it all, and fuck you’ to her dad, and my brothers. Telling them Lex is mine, and it didn’t matter what they said or did she’d always be mine. But like every other rash decision I’ve made in my life, every other poorly conceived idea I spewed earlier, I changed my mind when I gave it some rational thought unaided by my constant, these days, bottle of Jameson.
I won’t lie, the thought of having her with me, by my side was fucking phenomenal, but the more thought I gave it the more I saw it wouldn’t just be her life that would take a hit, it would be mine too. I’d have to deal with my brothers not trusting me, and loyalty is everything when you’re in the business I am. I’d have to step up to her old man, not that I wouldn’t and I’d take the shit kicking that was coming my way too, but considering his position in the club, his families positions in the club, that isn’t something I looked forward to. But more than that, I don’t want to disappoint, embarrass, and shame Vic and Sheila. They’ve been the only family, real family I’ve had, ever.
The thought of having them look at me like a piece of shit, having them look at Lex any differently was my tipping point. All of the poisonous thoughts rolling together in my head mightn’t make any sense to you, and they might all just be hypothetical, but in my mind they make perfect sense, and they all come together to create a picture that doesn’t have a colorful ending with rainbows and shit. The picture looks more like one filled with second guessing, remorse, resentment, and anger.
Like I said, I changed my mind and made the hardest decision I’ve ever had to; and that’s letting Lex go, letting her move on without me. I’m also pretty sure I’ll change my mind a million times over by the end of tonight. I’ll want to keep her, covet her as my own. I’ll want to claim her; shout from the roof-tops she’s mine and no one else’s. I intend to get my fill of her, however she lets me. Whether that’s with just being near her, in her presence, or whether she lets me touch her, hold her, kiss those beautifully plump, soft, pink lips I don’t care, anything with Lex is better than nothing.
Tracing the contours of her cheekbones with my thumbs I look into her shiny blue eyes,
“You’ve got to tell me what I can do, Princess. You just want to watch movies on that ratty old couch of yours all day and night I’m cool with that, but if you want to spend this time doing something else, you’ve gotta throw me a bone, yeah?” I hope like fuck she knows what I’m saying, because I don’t know how much plainer I can say it without offending her.
Eyeing me curiously a smirk crosses her beautiful face, and her dimples, the cute a hell ones that mar both her cheeks pop out.
“Well, if it’s up to me, I want to go for a ride. One last ride with you,” She says it almost nervously. There’s a slight hitch to her voice as if I’d say no, as if I could deny her anything she asked.
She needn’t have worried because I can’t, deny her that is. Tugging her down the hallway toward her bedroom, I give her a gentle push when we reach the door saying,
“Get dressed then, Princess,
shorts and a tank aren’t going to cut it on the back of my bike.” With a shy smile and nod Lex does just that, and I’m left to stare at the door she closed behind her.
Riding on the back of my bike isn’t a new thing for Lex, in fact it isn’t even something recent. She started riding with me almost as early as she started riding with her dad, at about eleven. I was proud as fuck the first time her dad said I could take her around the block a few times, the trust that showed was something else, not that of a brother, but that of an over protective dad, and I silently loved he trusted me enough to take care of his most prized possession.
It was the day of Lex’s eleventh birthday, the one where I was arrested by some motherfucker that thought his badge gave him the right to harass anyone he saw as a lesser, which as far as I know is everyone. Fury did me a massive solid that day, and I’ve since paid him back ten-fold for it, but that’s neither here nor there, he came through for me when I needed it most and I’ll be forever grateful he did. Seeing the look on Lex’s face when I walked into the courtyard that night, after spending the morning and half the afternoon in lock up was worth the marker I extended to my Vengeance brother.
When I first caught sight of Lex sitting on the very same swing I met her on she looked so fucking sad, so fucking alone. I wanted to run over, pull her into my arms and hug her tight, no little girl had the right to look so upset. But I didn’t, I watched her for a few minutes while she absently swung humming to herself. I watched as she kicked the dirt under her feet with what looked like a brand new pair of the Keds she loves. What I couldn’t watch was when the first tear fell from her pretty blue eyes. I fucking hated, as in despised, watching the track that tear made, so much so I did move to her then.
Broken: A Devil's Spawn MC Novel Page 3