Trackman

by Catriona Child

  I'll come out here and read them to you, so you know what happens at the end. I promise you'll get to know what happens. I know it's stupid, but it's all I can think to give you right now.

  'Davie's got a date at the zoo tomorrow,' Alfie sings along to the tune of that old kid's song.

  'Shut it, Alfie.'

  'He hopes he'll get his end away.'

  'Jesus, how can you make a children's song so fucking dirty?'

  'Just a gift, I guess.'

  I'm standing outside the zoo waiting for Astrid, and I can't get Alfie's fucking singing out of my head.

  Davie's got a date at the zoo tomorrow.

  It's really putting me off. Where's the confidence I had last night? There's still a faint tinge left, but I could do with a recharge. Jamesy won't be happy if I suggest that though.

  Alright, alright, sorry, calm down. I know it's not about giving myself a kick, but I can't help it if that's a side effect, can I?

  Alfie's dirty singing and the thought of having to spend a whole afternoon, just me and Astrid, is making me panic.

  Davie's got a date at the zoo tomorrow.

  One finger, one thumb, one arm, one leg, one nod of the head.

  He hopes he'll get his end away.

  I try to sing the original song instead, get Alfie's filthy version out of my head.

  Daddy.

  Who's the daddy? His dad was nowhere to be seen, taken off as soon as the cars dropped them at the house.

  Fuck, what am I doing?

  The number twelve bus is approaching and I try to act cool in case she's on it. I pretend that I'm looking the other way and haven't even noticed the bus arrive. As it pulls away I look round, but there's just a woman with a couple of kids.

  I can hear the sound of something screeching from behind me in the zoo. I can't tell if it's a bird or an animal, or whether it's happy or angry.

  Fuck, maybe I dreamt the entire date. Hallucinated it on Alfie's special cigarettes. Why else would she reply so quickly and so positively? My mouth feels manky and my throat hurts after all that smoking last night. I hope I don't stink of fags. I should have bought some chewing gum on the way here.

  It's just gone twelve. I'll wait till quarter past, no, half past. I'll wait till half past and then I'm leaving.

  I've not been here for years.

  Do you fancy a trip to the zoo, boys?

  The number forty-six approaches and, as it gets closer, I notice someone get up and walk towards the front of the bus. I'm sure it's her. Is it her? Don't stare. Don't stare. Look away. Look away.

  I turn my head, and hear the bus pull up alongside me. The doors hiss open, and I allow myself to glance over. Astrid steps down off the bus.

  She spots me and waves, flashing that smile as she walks towards me. I'm almost floored by the gap in her teeth. Dentists should fucking offer that as cosmetic surgery.

  'Hey you,' she touches my arm as she stops next to me, 'I'm so glad you said the zoo. I've been wanting to come here for ages, but my flatmate doesn't agree with animals in cages. I mean, neither do I, but Edinburgh Zoo is really famous, huh? And it's into conservation and that, so I'm sure it's okay.'

  'Yeah, I guess so, I thought it would be cool to visit.'

  There's no chance in hell Alfie's getting any credit for this. My watch. My zoo date.

  I'm feeling cheered, lifted by the fact that she's shown. She's a walking S.A.D. lamp.

  We climb the steps up to the main entrance, and I pull my wallet out to pay for the tickets.

  'Don't you dare, you paid for the cinema.'

  'Aye, but still, that was cheaper, and you bought the popcorn.'

  'I don't care, I'm getting this.'

  I fucking hate these kinds of arguments. I never know when to fight my corner and when to back down. I'd be more than happy if she paid for my ticket, Alfie never told me that the zoo was so fucking expensive, but it's not really cool to let the lassie pay.

  'Look,' she says, 'I'll get this and then you can buy us a pizza or something after, okay?'

  'Eh, yeah, okay.'

  I'm too shocked to argue. She's already telling me we're going out for food afterwards and we've not even had the date. What if it's a fucking disaster? I haven't thought as far ahead as the polar bear yet, never mind dinner.

  We head out of the foyer into the zoo and both stop at the giant stone elephant. The last time I was here, I just followed my folks around; it all seems a bit of a maze to me. Astrid is opening out the map she was given when she paid for the tickets.

  'So, where first?' she asks, holding the map out in front of her.

  'You choose. I'm easy.'

  'Are you now? Okay, this way.'

  She folds up the map and points the way ahead. As we start walking she tucks the map into her back pocket and I take the chance to look at her arse.

  It's very distracting. I can't catch a thought.

  We stop at the sea lions first, lean against the rocky wall of the enclosure. One fat sea lion is lolling about at the edge of the pool, the other swims round in circles. A whiskered nose occasionally pops out of the water with a splash, sniffs the air, before the animal dives back under.

  This enclosure is exactly the same as I remember it.

  Lewis was leaning over the wall, standing on his tiptoes, watching the sea lion swim round and round. Davie walked over to him and, grabbing onto Lewis's waist, hoisted him up so he could see better.

  'They're so graceful in the water compared to what they're like on land, huh?' says Astrid.

  'Aye, they're a couple of fatties, aren't they?'

  We head up the hill past enclosures containing plants, trees and stagnant pools of water. I'm too conscious of the fact that I'm here with Astrid to take much notice of the animals. I think she might be flirting with me. Is she? What do you think, Jamesy? I was worried about awkward silences, but the conversation comes pretty easily. It's maybe just the American thing, but she chats away and I start to relax.

  Halfway up the hill we come to the big cats. This bit has definitely changed since I was last here. The cages are much, much bigger, and you can't actually see any of the lions and tigers for the trees and plants. The zoo's giving them a chance to hide, give us gawping idiots a big 'fuck you.'

  Poor guy, he looks sad, said Lewis.

  'It's all a bit Jurassic Park isn't it?' I say.

  'What, like they've all escaped and they're going to eat us?'

  'No, I mean, like, at the start, when they don't see any dinosaurs.'

  'Oh yeah, you're right. Those little birds are so fearless.

  'We watch a couple of sparrows flit around a piece of meat, looks like it's been lying there for a few hours. The sparrows peck away at the ground around it, as flies buzz on top of the meat.

  'When I was a kid, I remember being totally confused as to how the birds got in there.' I say.

  'You mean, like, how they flew in over the top of the fence?'

  'Okay, maybe not here, but some of the cages have roofs, eh? I couldn't get my head round that they fitted through the gaps in the wire.'

  'Yeah, I know, I'm just teasing you. They should put sparrows on the signs outside all the cages, it looks like that's all we're gonna see today, huh?'

  We wander back down the hill.

  'I really wanna see the crazy ape,' Astrid says, turning to face me and walking backwards along the path. She's just about to fall over a bin, so I grab her arms and swivel her around so we're side by side again.

  'You've already seen the crazy ape,' I say and give her a little bow.

  'Nah, you're just screwy,' she hits me with the map, 'I mean the really crazy ape. A friend of mine is doing a PhD, right, and she comes out here, like, every few weeks, to do research. She says there's this really old ape who's been here for years, like, back when people didn't care about the animals and would bang on the glass and chuck food into the cages and stuff. It sent him mad.'

  'That's really sad.'

  'I know, but
don't you wanna see him?'

  'Totally. So, is her PhD on crazy apes?'

  'Nah, it's something really dull, like parasites or something. Someone just told her about the ape.'

  'Shall we go see the gorilla first? Save the crazy ape till last.'

  'Yeah, sounds good.'

  There's no sign of the gorilla in the outside enclosure, so we go inside. He looks bored as shit. Probably came inside to get some peace and is pissed off that we can all just troop on in after him. He sits on the straw, scratching his engorged belly, his eyes glancing up at us now and again.

  'Look at that,' Astrid rubs her finger across an imperfection on the glass, 'it's on the inside.'

  It looks like a bullet hole. Or a fist mark.

  'He must have done that, huh?' Astrid says, 'Poor guy.'

  Poor guy, he looks sad, said Lewis.

  Davie hadn't noticed before, but now he looked at the gorilla more closely. He did look sad.

  The gorilla sat in the corner of the cage, picking at the straw on the ground around him. Davie stood next to Lewis, his mum and dad behind them. A family with a pushchair came in. The man knelt down so he was at the same height as the baby, and pointed towards the gorilla.

  His head looks like a peanut, said Lewis, and rubbed the top of his own head, it's all pointy at the top.

  Davie put his hand on Lewis's head and they stood watching the gorilla. They both took a step backwards and laughed at each other's nervousness, as the gorilla suddenly lumbered to its feet. It hunched forward and then swung a long arm behind its back.

  What's it doing? Lewis asked, turning to his parents.

  I'm not sure, sweetheart.

  As if he could hear them, the gorilla held out his hand to them. Lying on his palm was a fresh, steaming shite.

  It's done a jobby, Davie said and he and Lewis burst out laughing.

  Ssshhh, said their dad, although Davie could tell he was trying not to laugh himself and was just saying it because of the other people next to them.

  Lewis stood on his tiptoes and whispered in Davie's ear.

  It looks like a Caramac bar.

  After that, 'it looks like a Caramac bar' became their secret catchphrase for weeks.

  'Earth to Davie,' Astrid waves a hand in front of my face.

  'Sorry, I was in a wee dream there.'

  'Right, the crazy ape. I guess he must be there,' she points at the map. Her fingernails are painted pink.

  The chipped, black shapes were still there.

  'Okay, lead the way.'

  I take one last look at the gorilla before we leave, and feel a stuttered movement inside my pocket. I don't think you can help this guy, Jamesy.

  'It's warm in here, huh?' Astrid says, as we enter the enclosure. She takes off her jacket and ties it round her waist. She's wearing a sleeveless top underneath and her freckled shoulders call out to me: kiss me, lick me, bite me.

  'Wow they're amazing, huh?' she says.

  A chimp stares at me from a black, metal nest filled with straw.

  'Yeah, they look so, I don't know, their eyes are so human. I feel like I'm looking at a person.' I reply.

  'Look at the little one, cute, huh?'

  'Aye, although I feel like he's taking us in as much as we are him.'

  'They're smart, really strong too, could rip your arm right off.' Astrid shrugs her naked shoulders.

  I look at the older chimp and it yawns, Nosferatu teeth. I can see the intelligence behind its brown eyes. It unnerves me. It knows something I don't.

  We head out through the flaps of plastic to the outside enclosure. There's a chimp on top of the climbing frame. His fur is going grey and he's pushing a crate backwards and forwards; he hisses at the other chimps.

  I nudge Astrid.

  'Do you think that's Crazy Charlie?'

  We watch him push the crate backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards. The other chimps seem to know not to go near him.

  'It's not so funny, is it?' Astrid says summing up what I'm thinking. 'Poor guy, what sort of a life is that?'

  Poor guy, he looks sad, said Lewis.

  She takes my hand and I'm frozen to the spot. We stand and look at the chimp and I don't want to move or speak in case she lets go.

  'What happened to your hand?' she asks, rubbing the rectangle burn.

  'Oh, I fell.'

  'Poor thing,' she strokes the palm of my hand with her thumb.

  'Come on, I'll buy you an ice-cream,' I say.

  'Cool,' she replies, and smiles at me.

  We walk away and she doesn't let go of my hand. We're holding hands. We. Are. Holding. Hands. I don't want to let go. Even when I'm buying the ice-creams, I try not to let go.

  We sit facing each other at a picnic table, eating our Soleros and waiting for the penguin parade to start. I try not to stare at her mouth as she sucks on the ice-lolly.

  Davie watched her mouth as she sucked the vodka and orange through a straw.

  I look behind her instead.

  Davie, look the pie… jimm… ie hip… pos, the piejimmy hippos, said Lewis pointing at a sign over one of the enclosures.

  It's not piejimmy you idiot, it's pronounced pigmee.

  A crowd gathers for the penguins and Astrid pulls me up onto the picnic table, so we're above everyone.

  THE PENGUIN PARADE IS ABOUT TO BEGIN. CAN WE REMIND ALL SPECTATORS TO STAND BACK, AND NOT TO FEED OR TOUCH THE PENGUINS.

  The zookeeper opens the door of the penguin house and a handful of them waddle out onto the pathway, a wall of people on either side.

  I turn to look at Astrid and the next thing I know we're kissing. I don't know how it happened or who started it, but fuck the penguins and their fucking parade; all that matters now is that we're kissing and maybe we might get thrown out of the zoo for kissing on top of a picnic table during the penguin parade.

  'Mmmm, you taste of Solero,' she says and kisses me again.

  I run my tongue over her teeth feeling for the gap, and my cock stiffens.

  'You're as crazy as Charlie,' I say.

  'I just find you very attractive,' she shrugs, and my cock pushes against the inside of my jeans.

  'You do?'

  'Don't look so surprised. I only bought those magazines so I could speak to you. For a while I thought you were having a thing with that girl you work with, you were always with her when I came in.'

  Ring a ring a roses.

  'Nah, we're just mates.'

  'I'm glad.'

  Perfect day.

  'So, do you fancy getting that pizza?' I ask as we head out of the zoo through the gift shop.

  'Sure,' she says, rubbing her hand down the neck of a cuddly giraffe.

  'Where to then?' I ask.

  'How about back to mine and we can order in?'

  'Yeah, sounds good to me.'

  Sounds fucking amazing to me.

  I sit on Astrid's double bed as she phones Pizza Hut. There are piles of books lying next to me, most of which I guess are for uni: a biography of Gandhi, The Philosophy of Religion, the Oxford History of the British Empire; lying on top is The Complete Peanuts Volume 4 with a picture of Snoopy on the cover.

  Astrid wanders around the room as she places the order, the wire from the phone tangles around pieces of furniture and her legs as she moves. I think about tying her up and have to stop myself from getting too carried away, too dirty. She stops by her desk and plays with her iPod. Only in Dreams by Weezer starts playing. Fuck, you're not kidding, Rivers.

  'It'll be about twenty-five minutes,' she says as she hangs up and untangles herself.

  There's a poster above her bed of John and Yoko. Yoko is lying on the ground wearing a black jumper and jeans, her black hair lying out behind her. John is completely naked and is lying next to her, one leg curled over her stomach, kissing her cheek.

  'It was the cover of Rolling Stone,' Astrid says following my eyeline, 'it was taken, like, I don't know, just a few hours before he died. I l
ove it, but it makes me sad too. He looks so vulnerable and in just a few hours she's gonna have to watch her husband get shot right in front of her.'

  I don't really know what to say to that, so I just nod and she sits next to me on the bed.

  'So, Davie, what can we do in twenty-five minutes?'

  She's smiling that gap-toothed smile at me and I lean in to kiss her.

  'What can we do twice in twenty-five minutes?' I say.

  'Oh, I just got a shock off you,' she says pulling back, 'have you still got that broken iPod thing of yours?'

  'Sorry,' I reply and take Jamesy out of my pocket. I slide him across the wooden floorboards with my feet, and he comes to a stop at the oriental style rug in the centre of the room. I kiss Astrid and push her backwards onto the bed.

  17

  American English

  Lewis loved Snow Patrol. That could be you some day, Lewey, Davie imagined saying to his wee brother, that could be you. Lewey had a real talent for art and writing, was just too shy to do anything with it.

  Davie dropped the orange juice.

  'MORNING, YOU,' ASTRID is lying on her front and kisses me on the shoulder. Her lips are sticky and cling to my skin.

  'Hey, morning, yourself,' I kiss her back.

  She tastes musky and stale, and like milky coffee going slightly sour, but all in a wonderful way. Even though I'm tired, I let her slide herself on top of me.

  We both doze off again, and when I wake up she's lying with one arm across my chest. Her hair is sticking to her forehead and her skin is warm against mine. The sheets are damp and moist, like sleeping inside a tent.

  It's fucking ace. I can't believe I'm here.

  'I think I heard your phone,' Astrid says opening her eyes and stretching her arms.

  I glance over at her alarm clock. It's after eleven.

  'Probably work,' I reply, 'I think I'm meant to be in today.'

  'You rebel. Won't they be mad?'

  The rebel on his own tonight.

  'Probably. I'd rather be here though.'

  'You want a coffee?' Astrid asks, 'I need one badly.'

  'I'd rather have tea if you've got any?'