How We Fall

by Melissa Toppen

  I catch my breath when he turns, giving me a full view of just how much his body has changed over the years. The tall, skinny kid I remember is nowhere to be found, replaced by tight muscles and firm lines.

  I grind my teeth together, certain that he’s fully aware of my ogling but also not able to stop myself.

  He’s perfect. Every inch of him. He’s not overly muscular, that I wouldn’t like, but there isn’t an inch of his body that’s not toned and defined. I swear I think for a second I almost stop breathing. Or maybe I do because when I look at Cole, he lets out a slow exhale like he’s silently telling me to take a breath, or maybe he’s telling himself.

  I quickly avert my eyes, looking anywhere but at him as heat flushes my face. If there was a mirror in front of me, I bet money my cheeks are as bright as they feel.

  “You could have warned me you were getting naked,” I say, faking annoyance as I walk toward a distressed looking shelf on his wall.

  “Never bothered you when we were kids.” I can hear the smile in his voice and the rustle of fabric.

  “But we aren’t kids anymore, are we?” I ask, my fingers closing around a picture frame and pulling it closer to my face.

  I’m so shocked by what it is I don’t know what to say. It’s us. Me and Cole. It was taken probably ten years ago. We’re sitting on the dock of the pond outside of town where we swam a lot as kids, our feet dangling in the water. Cole’s arm is around me, and there are ridiculous smiles on both of our faces. Per usual, he’s in boxers; like I said, kid never owned trunks. But that’s not what pulls my attention. It’s how happy we look. How—in love?

  It’s a crazy thought. I’ve seen a million pictures of us when we were kids, but until this very moment, I never really looked at them. Maybe everyone else has got it right. Maybe we’ve always loved each other, even before we were old enough to know what that love meant.

  “It’s safe to look now. I promise.” Cole chuckles when I jump, not realizing how close he’s suddenly standing to me.

  Flipping my gaze to his chest, I’m both relieved and disappointed that he’s now dressed in a gray t-shirt and dark jeans; lord knows there’s no way I could form a thought otherwise if he wasn’t.

  “That’s one of my favorites,” he says, looking down at the photo in my hands.

  “Why do you have this?” I question. “I mean, why did you keep it? With the way you left I just thought...”

  “Leaving never erased the memory of you, Mel. You were always here”—he taps the side of his head—“and here.” He rests a fist against his chest. “I was running, Melanie. I’ve been running for the past six years. But you’re in too deep, part of every single memory, etched in the very person that I am. It only took seeing you again to know what I’ve been trying to outrun for six years and never could. It was you.”

  “Nate left for Chicago,” I blurt seemingly out of nowhere. “He left me,” I add more specifically, for some reason unknown feeling the need to throw that out there before things go any further.

  Or maybe I just needed an escape from his confession because the way he makes me feel is scary as hell.

  “Is that why you’re here?” He turns to face me head on.

  “No,” I answer truthfully. “He asked me to go with him.”

  “Then why didn’t you?” His voice is low, soft.

  “The truth?” I let out a slow exhale, meeting his dark gaze that is trained directly on me.

  “The truth,” he repeats.

  “I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you all over again, not when you just came back into my life.”

  He slides the photo from my hand and sets it back on the shelf, stepping impossibly close. So close I can feel his breath on my face.

  “But you could bear the thought of losing him?” he questions, his thumb reaching out to trace my lower lip.

  “Yes.” The truth is a whisper, a confession left in the wind, and then it’s gone, replaced by the feeling of Cole’s warm lips pressed against mine.

  Cole’s kiss is fire; electric. Every inch of his touch is like taking a torch to my skin, but the burn isn’t painful—it’s anything but.

  His hand trails down the side of my neck. Goose bumps erupt across my flesh as his fingers find my hair, twisting around the length before giving it one swift jerk; not hard, but hard enough that my mouth falls open on a small yelp.

  And then he’s there, swallowing up the sound, making me open up fully to him. I’ve never felt anything like the way Cole kisses. He leaves no part of my mouth untouched, no part of my body unfeeling. He winds me up so tightly I feel like when he finally lets go I’m just going to spin out of control.

  “You know,"—he pulls back and whispers against my mouth—“we could always skip the store and stay here.”

  “But I was promised waffles,” I tease, wrapping my hands around the back of his head and pulling him back to my lips.

  He groans, tightening the grip he has on my hair.

  “Fuck waffles.” He spins me around, his mouth never leaving mine as he guides me backward.

  The back of my legs collide with the side of his bed moments before I tumble onto the mattress, Cole coming down directly on top of me.

  This is not what I planned on happening ten minutes after showing up unannounced at his door. But I guess when you have as many years of pent-up sexual frustration as we do, there’s no reason to dance around it.

  I want him. I’ve always wanted him.

  Cole pulls away from my lips, pushing my hair away from my face as he stares down at me. Seconds turn to what feels like minutes, and yet all he does is stare. I shrink a bit under his gaze, feeling suddenly self-conscious.

  “What?” I finally ask, feeling like I might explode if he doesn’t say something already.

  “I’m just taking it all in,” he says, tracing my cheek, along my jaw, and then back up to my forehead. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve imagined this. Even in my dreams you were never this damn beautiful.”

  Words fail me, but thank God I end up not needing them because with that, his mouth comes back down over mine.

  Cole Lincoln. I’m kissing Cole Lincoln. I’m in his bed. In his arms. Oh my God, I have to be dreaming.

  My heart beats like a cannon firing inside my chest. My body trembles under his touch. And even though I’m terrified, I’ve never wanted anything more.

  Cole Lincoln, the boy I’ve loved almost my whole life. I never dreamed he’d kiss me this way, touch me this way, whisper the things he does as he slides my shirt from my body, touching every inch of my skin as it’s exposed.

  He strips me bare and not just of clothing, of everything. His eyes roam over my body like he’s memorizing every piece and part of me. He kisses my stomach, my collarbone, and the spot behind my ear that always makes me shiver.

  And when he finally buries himself deep inside me, I swear to God I see stars. Nothing in this entire world has ever felt more perfect.

  I don’t know what to do with myself. My hands are everywhere—his back, across his ass, nails digging into his shoulders as he moves against me. I can’t get enough and yet it’s all too much at the same time.

  Then I’m falling, falling like I never have before, giving myself wholly to someone who now knows every single part of me, inside and out.

  I’ve never known passion like this. Love like this. Want and need like this. And when he finally stills inside of me, I want to lock my arms and legs around him and never let him leave.

  “Fuck, Mel,” he pants, his chest heaving against mine. “That’s what I’ve been missing all these years?” He pushes up on his elbow to look down at me, a slow grin tipping up his lips.

  “My thoughts exactly.” I smile, pushing his hair away from his face to admire how incredible he looks hovering over me—face red, lips slightly swollen, and completely and utterly satisfied.

  “Now I know why no one has ever lived up to you,” he says, the small smile on his mouth falling away as he
becomes serious for a moment. “Even before I had you I knew—fuck, you were worth the wait.” The smile is back, and this time it’s turned mischievous. “Let’s do it again.” He raises his eyebrows up and down.

  I laugh beneath him, loving how he can be all man, walking sex one minute and then the playful boy I remember the next.

  He kisses the side of my mouth, the tip of my nose, and each eyelid before landing directly on my lips. He lingers there for a long moment and then pulls back.

  “How are you here right now?” He shakes his head like he can’t believe what his eyes are seeing.

  “I’m wondering the exact same thing about you,” I admit, running my fingers through his facial hair, loving the way the coarse hair feels when I drag my nails lightly through it.

  “I hope you know I’m officially never letting you leave?”

  “Never?” I ask playfully.

  “Like handcuffing your ass to my bed never letting you leave.”

  “Is that so?” I lean up and kiss his jaw before whispering, “I think I like the way you think.”

  He groans in my ear.

  “Keep talking like that and you might not see the light of day for a very, very long time.” His lips brush against mine before the kiss deepens, and his weight sinks fully down on top of me.

  “I’m right here,” I breathe against his lips. “And I think I’m ready to hold you to it.”

  My words seem to be his undoing. Just like that we slip back into the abyss, neither of us in any rush to resurface anytime soon.

  There are no windows in Cole’s bedroom, so when I wake bathed in total blackness I have no idea if it’s morning, noon, or night. All I know is that the bed next to me is empty, and I can smell bacon in the air.

  The scent has me sitting up in bed, stretching my deliciously sore limbs as I’m accosted by the memories of last night. The way Cole moved inside me. The way his body felt flush against mine. The words he whispered and promises he spoke.

  It felt like there was never a time that we were absent from each other’s lives, the way we slipped so easily into the comfort that we’ve always found in each other. And while things moved way faster than I expected them to, I don’t regret one single second of it.

  I can’t wipe the smile off my face as I climb out of bed and feel around for the light switch on the wall. I find it rather quickly, considering I paid no attention to where it was when I actually had the chance to look.

  The minute the bright light fills the room I have to cover my eyes. They feel like they’ve been in the dark for days, the thing Cole said about seeing the light of day sounding in my head.

  As my eyes start to adjust, I blink into the room, not surprised to find its current state.

  The bed wasn’t the only place we visited last night, and the room shows just how much we took advantage of the space. The top of the dresser is cleared, everything Cole shoved off it scattered across the floor.

  Clothes are all over the place, causing me to laugh to myself as I remember how when Cole left to use the restroom I hid in his closet, and not only did he find me, but he took me right then and there. I guess we pulled a few things down in the midst of our romp.

  I locate my panties and bra next to the bed and my jeans and top on different sides of the room. Instead of getting fully dressed, knowing I’ll want a shower soon, I slide on my panties and grab the t-shirt Cole was wearing yesterday, then slide it on. It’s big, hitting me about mid-thigh, and is so freaking soft it’s no wonder Cole has kept it all these years.

  He confirmed last night that it’s the same shirt he had in high school; I knew it looked familiar. Lifting it to my nose, I inhale deeply, completely intoxicated by how much it smells like him.

  God, none of this seems real.

  When I turn and exit his bedroom, I duck into the bathroom first. Locking myself inside, the first thing I see is my reflection in the mirror. And trust me when I say I look like a hot mess. My hair is wild and looks like it hasn’t seen a hairbrush in days. My eyes are lined with traces of smeared mascara. The area around my mouth is red and a little raw, no doubt from Cole’s beard. But more than anything, I look happy. Really happy.

  I take a few minutes to freshen up, using some of Cole’s toothpaste to brush my teeth with my finger and splashing my face with water, officially ridding myself of the small trace of makeup that managed to stay on through the night. I do my best to tame my hair with my fingers, but knowing it’s going to take a lot more than that to get the knots out, I use the hair tie on my wrist to tie it up in a loose, messy bun.

  When I step out into the hall just moments later, I immediately catch sight of Cole in the kitchen. His hair is tied back in its usual knot, and he’s only wearing the gym shorts from yesterday; his perfect body on full display.

  I walk slowly toward him, watching as he pulls a finished waffle from the iron and drops it on the plate next to him before filling it with more batter and then snapping it closed. Turning his attention to the stove, he flips the bacon I smelled earlier, humming lightly to himself.

  He’s so concentrated on the matter at hand that it takes him several seconds before he realizes I’m watching him.

  A wide smile crosses his face the moment he spots me.

  “Hey,” I say, stepping up next to him.

  “Hey.” He sets down the spatula and turns to face me. “Fuck, you look beautiful first thing in the morning.” He leans down and murmurs against my mouth before pressing his lips to mine.

  Even after everything that happened last night, I can still feel the heat creep up my neck at how he kisses me. He behaves like it’s any other morning, and here I feel like my world is completely upside down, in the best possible way, of course.

  “You’ve seen me first thing in the morning more times than I could ever count,” I remind him.

  “But never like this,” he says. “Never after I’ve had you in my bed,” he whispers into my ear. “I think this is my new favorite look.” He pulls back and drags his eyes down my body. “And I love the t-shirt, by the way. Pretty sure it’s never looked that fucking good on me.”

  “You won’t mind when I steal it then?” I swat at his ass playfully and then dip underneath his arm to where a plate of fresh bacon sits.

  I snatch a piece up and take a bite, smiling when Cole’s arms come down around my stomach from behind and he drops his chin to my shoulder.

  “Consider it yours.” He kisses the side of my head and then releases me to turn back to the food he’s cooking.

  “Is there anything I can do to help?” I ask, finishing off my piece of bacon.

  I don’t mention that I know he cooked the bacon extra crispy just for me. He prefers his bacon just cooked where it’s still soft and gooey—yuck. I want to see what else he remembers before I start calling things out.

  I love learning all the things he still knows about me and introducing him to the things he doesn’t—i.e., what we spent all last night doing.

  “Nope. There’s juice on the table, and I’m finishing up here. Can you grab the syrup right there”—he points to the bottle on the island—“and I’ll meet you over there in a minute.”

  “Okay.” I try to keep my giddiness in check as I grab the syrup and cross the room, sliding into one of the two place settings he has set out on the table.

  I can’t tear my eyes away from his back as he takes the last waffle out of the iron and unplugs it from the wall, his muscles flexing with each movement. I like to think he was always this sexy, but if I’m being truthful, it’s like being with a completely different person, physically anyway.

  I can still see parts of the boy I knew, of course.

  His brown hair—though much longer now, is still the same shade.

  His dark eyes—while a bit harder than I remember, still cut right through me, maybe more so now than ever before.

  His smile—the way his dimples make their appearance even through the hair that now covers his face.

  His l
aughter—the way he still holds his stomach when he laughs really hard and the sound of it when it fills my ears.

  But then there’s Cole of today, the man he’s grown into. And what a man he is. God, just thinking about some of the things that man can do behind closed doors has my stomach tightening in anticipation of experiencing it all over again. Maybe if I’m lucky, we’ll make use of this beautiful table once breakfast is over.

  I blush at the thought. I don’t know what’s come over me. With Nate it was nice but never something I chased after—craved. But with Cole, I feel like an animal, wild with desire.

  Then again, Cole’s always affected me on a greater level than anyone else ever has. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this fact carries over most prominently in the sex department. I spent years dreaming about sleeping with him and now that I have, I don’t think I’ll ever get enough.

  “Breakfast is served.” Cole pulls me out of my thoughts, and I look up just in time to see him set a plate full of waffles and a separate plate of bacon on the table in front of me.

  Taking the seat across from me, he immediately tangles his legs around mine like he wants to be close to me. The thought sends my heart soaring, and I flash him a wide smile.

  “This looks amazing,” I say, pouring me a glass of orange juice.

  “I promised my lady waffles; waffles she gets,” he says, taking the pitcher of O.J. from my hand when I extend it to him.

  Did he just say ‘my lady’? Can you say swoon much?

  “Wait, how did you get all this stuff? I thought you said you didn’t have anything here,” I ask, remembering we never made it to the store last night. Hell, we didn’t even make it out of his bedroom long enough except to get something to drink.

  “I got up and went this morning.” He smiles, forking a waffle and dropping it on my plate before doing the same for himself.

  “Seriously? Wait, what time is it?” I look around, noticing the clock on the stove says it’s nearly one o’clock.

  “Is it really almost one?” I ask in disbelief. I haven’t slept this late since I was a teenager.