Dancing Naked

by Shelley Hrdlitschka

  “He has?” This was news. Kia forgot for the moment about telling Shawna anything.

  Shawna wouldn’t make eye contact with her. “He’s saying that you’re a slut.”

  “I don’t believe it!” Kia felt the blood rush to her face. “To who?”

  “To everyone, it seems like. I heard it from Courtney, who said she heard it from Fahreen. And Lauren said she heard him say so himself. At Mitch’s party.”

  “I’m going to kill him!”

  Shawna reached for more popcorn.

  “Mitch had a party?”

  “Apparently. But don’t feel bad,” Shawna said. “Lauren said he only invited people who were into weed.”

  “Lauren’s smoking it now too?”

  “Yeah. She’ll do anything to get Mitch to like her.”

  “Huh.”

  “So, how are you going to kill him?” Shawna asked, eyes narrowed. “Why don’t you ask him his preference? Slow and painful or ...?”

  Kia shook her head. She couldn’t see any humor in it. “Why is he saying that stuff? And what does that make him?”

  Shawna fluffed up her pillow and pulled the covers up to her chin. “He’s a jerk. Everyone knows that. Don’t worry about it. No one will believe him.”

  But Kia knew that wasn’t true. Derek had the kind of charm that was powerful, almost hypnotic, and she knew she wasn’t the only one who was a sucker for it.

  Shawna snooped in the drawer of Kia’s night table while she waited for Kia to change into pajamas. She spotted the new journal and picked it up.

  “Have you written in this yet?”

  Kia nodded numbly.

  “Any great words of wisdom?” Shawna didn’t open it, but waited expectantly.

  Suddenly Kia knew exactly how to break the news to Shawna. “Listen, Shawn, I think if you read what’s in there ...” she glanced at the journal, “then you’ll understand why I’ve seemed spaced out.”

  Shawna tilted her head. “Are you sure? I don’t have to.”

  “Yeah, go ahead, read it,” Kia said, walking toward the door. “I’ll go make us some hot chocolate. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  When Kia came back into the room carrying two mugs a few minutes later, she found Shawna sitting up, the journal closed in her lap, her face long and pale. She climbed off the bed, crossed the room and hugged Kia, who had to struggle to keep from spilling the hot chocolate down her back.

  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Shawna asked.

  “Because I didn’t want you to say I told you so,” Kia answered, handing Shawna a steaming mug.

  “And did I say that?” Shawna asked, looking hurt.

  “No, I’m only kidding,” Kia said, realizing too late the sting in her words.

  They sat for a moment, Shawna on the bed, Kia in a chair, staring at each other. Finally, Shawna broke the painful silence. “A swarm of bees?”

  Kia nodded, then grinned. “Killer bees.”

  Shawna smiled, setting free a tear. She wiped it away, set her mug on the dresser, then pulled the quilt back for Kia. “Come on, girl. I want to hear everything.”

  week 13/40

  ~ fingernails are fully formed

  ~ baby has reflexes

  ~ all 20 teeth are formed

  Feb. 17

  Words.

  My parents use words for everything. Talk everything to death. Everything is debated or discussed. They show their feelings through words.

  School is about words.

  Even Youth Group is about words. I feel blah blah blah. You feel blah blah blah.

  Borrring.

  Derek was not about words. He was about something else. Energy, desire, heat. I discovered something in me, something instinctual. Something powerful. Something beyond words.

  But maybe a few words would have helped. Clarified things. Made me realize we weren’t in the relationship for the same thing. Maybe we weren’t even in a ‘relationship.’

  Derek doused my fire, quickly, unexpectedly.

  God, how I miss it.

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: Feb. 18

  Subject: heavy sigh

  hi justin, 2 down, one to go. shawna and angie know. derek doesn’t, and I’m in no hurry to tell him. shawna was cool, angie was ... i dunno. real quiet. i’m not sure what she was thinking. all she really said was “who’s the dad going to be?” i told her there wasn’t one, and she just looked at me kinda funny. i really feel like i’ve let her down, more than anyone else. i’ve been like her role model, u know? and the harassment she’s gonna get from her friends will be brutal. i wonder if mom & dad have told their friends. i don’t have the guts to ask.

  what have I done to them?

  why?

  see ya tomorrow at youth group

  k

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: Feb. 18

  Subject: Re: spect

  hi kia, i don’t have any little brothers or sisters, but i know all about letting people down. been there, done that. it’s a tough one, but in the end you’ve just got to remember not to let yourself down. and you’re doing great. you’re doing what’s right for you, and you’re being honest with everyone else. eventually angie will respect that.

  can i break the news at youth group?

  uncle J

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: Feb. 18

  Subject: Re: Re: spect

  gladly! C U there.

  k & p

  Justin struck a match and lit the candle in the chalice that sat on the floor in the center of their circle. “We kindle the flame as a symbol of our gathering,” he said.

  “May the light of understanding illuminate our darkness,” the gathered teens in the youth group responded. “May the warmth of sharing bring us peace.”

  Justin sat back. “Okay. Check-in time. Who wants to start?”

  “I want to start,” Chris said, “by offering some food.” He reached into a paper grocery bag that sat on the floor beside him and pulled out a tub of once-frozen chocolate cookie dough and a handful of spoons. “It will be a kind of ... communion, you know? Like they do in other churches.”

  “Oh yum!” Laurel said.

  Chris handed a spoon to each person. “I thought we could just pass the bucket around while we did check-in. What do you think?” he asked.

  There were enthusiastic nods around the circle.

  “You call that food?” Justin asked, smiling.

  “Absolutely!” Chris answered, taking the first scoop and passing the bucket on. “The best kind.”

  “Food of the gods,” Meagan agreed, digging in and then sucking the gooey chocolate dough off her spoon. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back. “Ahh. To die for.”

  Kia settled back and listened to everyone’s news as they took turns sharing their stories of the past week. When the bucket reached her, she dug out a rounded spoonful of cookie dough, popped it in her mouth and then passed the bucket to Justin, who was sitting on the floor to her left. His turn to share was next. She was to be last, but she’d have nothing to say. Justin was going to say it for her.

  While Chris rattled off the scores of his last four hockey games, Kia glanced sideways at Justin’s profile and felt an unexpected fluttering sensation in her stomach. Justin shifted his position just then, stretching out his legs, and his shoulder pressed against hers. She froze. This was not nerves, she realized with alarm, recognizing the feeling.

  “So, Chris, are you done?” Justin asked. She felt him shift again, sitting up straighter now. Immediately she missed the warm feel of his shoulder pressed against hers.

  “Yeah, that about sums up my week,” he answered.

  “Okay then, my turn,” Justin said. “And have I got news!” He glanced down at Kia and smiled. She felt the fluttering sensation return
, but again, it was not nerves.

  “I’m an uncle,” he declared, grinning and looking around at the group.

  “How can you be?” Laurel asked after a moment. “You’re an only child.”

  “Yeah, well, not a real uncle.” He looked down at Kia and they made eye contact. She nodded. “Kia is pregnant, and I’ve made myself ‘acting’ uncle for the duration of her pregnancy.”

  There was a stunned silence and Kia felt everyone’s eyes on her. Laurel finally found her voice. “Are you really, Kia?”

  Kia glanced at her and nodded. Then she looked around at the other eight faces. The expressions were changing from shock to sadness.

  “And you’re going to have the baby?” Laurel asked. She seemed to be the only one who could speak.

  Kia nodded

  “Did you consider ...” Meagan couldn’t say the word, but they all knew what she meant.

  “Yeah, I did. I almost had an abortion, but I changed my mind.”

  “Are you a pro-lifer or something?” Meagan was the same age as her, Kia realized, and couldn’t get her head around the idea of going through with a pregnancy.

  Kia shrugged. “I’m not pro-anything. I just couldn’t do it.”

  “Chickened out?” Chris asked softly.

  “No, that’s not it,” Kia answered, her face flushing. “I wasn’t scared.” She hesitated. “Well, yeah, I was. But I was going to do it anyway when I suddenly realized that it wasn’t the right thing for me. I’d been pressured into it, and I knew that was the wrong reason to have one.” The room was quiet, so Kia turned back to Meagan. “I guess I am pro-choice, but you know, when people talk about choice, they’re usually talking about a woman’s right to abortion. I think choice can also mean continuing with an unexpected pregnancy.”

  “Perhaps there’s a big difference between an unexpected pregnancy and an unwanted one,” Justin suggested.

  “Maybe,” Kia said, “though not really in my case. I’d rather not be pregnant, but I’m going to make the best of it. And I’m going to try not to care what anyone else thinks or says.” Kia realized she felt better just saying the words out loud. She glanced at Justin, wondering if he remembered suggesting them to her.

  He smiled and winked.

  “I don’t care what any of you think,” Laurel blurted out. Kia noticed the defiant set of her jaw. “Abortion is murder, no matter what you call it.” She turned to face Kia. “You did the right thing.”

  Kia felt a tremor run through the small group. Justin must have felt it too. “Let’s leave that discussion for another day,” he said, sensing the unspoken emotion that was building in the room. “This isn’t the time.”

  Everyone was quiet for a moment. Laurel twisted a strand of hair around and around her finger. Finally Chris spoke up. “Are you going to keep going to school?” he asked.

  “Yep.”

  Chris nodded thoughtfully. The group grew quiet again.

  “Please keep in mind our promise to each other,” Justin reminded the somber group. “We have a safe circle here, we can talk about anything, but what we talk about here is private. It doesn’t go beyond this circle.”

  No one spoke for a moment, and then the questions came out, one by one.

  “Do you have a boyfriend?”

  “Not anymore.” Kia’s eyes dropped, but not before she saw the surprised expressions that crossed everyone’s faces, especially Chris’s, who went to the same school as her.

  “Why weren’t you using birth control?”

  “We were.”

  “What kind?”

  “A condom. It must have been defective or something.”

  “Did he have it on right?” Mike asked.

  “Yeah. Duh.”

  “I just thought you might have missed that class.”

  “What class?”

  “The one in Sex Ed,” Mike reminded her. “Where we had to practice putting them on bananas.” A giggle ran through the group as they recalled the game.

  “Yeah, I was there. My team won the relay,” Kia quipped.

  “Have you told your parents?” Meagan asked. The mood grew serious again.

  “Yeah. That was brutal.”

  There were nods and murmurs around the circle. Justin gently rubbed her back. She wished he’d never stop.

  Kia continued. “My dad tried talking me into an abortion too.”

  “So what are you going to do with the baby?” Meagan asked. She lay stretched out on her tummy, her chin cupped in her hands.

  “I don’t know yet.” Her arms involuntarily crossed over her stomach.

  “Are you thinking of keeping it? Really?”

  Kia shrugged.

  “Was it worth it?” Mike asked.

  “Huh?”

  He smiled, teasingly. “The sex part.”

  Everyone groaned and Chris elbowed him in the ribs, but they all turned to Kia to hear the answer.

  “No. Not for me. He might think so because he’s not pregnant.”

  “What about if you hadn’t got pregnant?” Mike asked.

  “Okay, Mike, now you’re out of line,” Justin said over the noise of the others heckling Mike. “Does anyone have anything else they’d like to ask Kia?”

  The room grew quiet again. Then Laurel cleared her throat. “We’re here for you, Ki.” She looked around at the others and they all nodded. “You know that, right?”

  Kia swallowed hard and smiled at her. She felt tears welling up in her eyes.

  “And I want to know if I can be an uncle too,” Chris asked.

  “And I’m the aunt, okay Ki?” asked Meagan.

  Justin rested his hand on Kia’s shoulder. “How about if we’re all unofficial aunts and uncles?” he suggested. “One big, happy family.”

  Kia could only nod and wipe her eyes. Then, one by one, they crossed the circle and hugged her. There were tears spilling down many of their cheeks by the time they were finished, and Kia knew that it was, truly, a safe circle.

  Kia found Grace waiting near the door of the parlor when she tried to leave after her next piano performance. She smiled politely and attempted to slip past, but Grace maneuvered her wheelchair so she was blocking the doorway.

  “Hi, Kia,” she said.

  “Hi, Grace.”

  “That was lovely music you played for us today.”

  “Thanks.” Kia smiled and tried to squeeze around the wheelchair.

  “Will you stay and have a cup of tea with me, dear?” Grace asked.

  Kia glanced at her watch, feeling nauseous at the thought of staying here any longer than she had to, but when she looked into Grace’s earnest old face, she found she didn’t have the heart to say no.

  Kia pushed Grace down to the sunroom. They sat at a table by the window, overlooking an expanse of grass that sloped down to the river in the distance. Kia watched as Grace clamped her mug between both hands and shakily brought it up to her mouth. She took a sip and then slowly, painfully, returned the mug to the table.

  “The music was a little more optimistic today, Kia, but not exactly happy.”

  Kia took a sip of her own tea. “You’re one observant lady.”

  “I have a lot of time for observing. And reflecting. And I tried to think of all the things that could make a girl like you so serious.”

  “I’m not always serious.”

  “I know that, from the first few times you played for us. From your selections then, I sensed you were a young lady with a great sense of humor.”

  Kia studied Grace, intrigued by the old woman’s uncanny way of reading her personality through the music she chose to play. She’d never thought about it, but it made sense. She probably did choose music to match her mood.

  “Let me guess,” Kia teased. “You were a gypsy in a past life. The kind that reads fortunes in tea leaves.”

  “You’re right, Kia.” Grace’s smile lit up her eyes. “And how did you know that?”

  “A woman’s intuition.” She smiled back, beginning to en
joy herself.

  “Ah yes. I know all about intuition.”

  “Yeah?” Kia asked. “What do you know?”

  “I know that you have something weighing heavily on your mind.” Grace’s sharp eyes caught and held Kia’s.

  “Really.” It was a statement.

  “Yes. And I know that you’re starting to accept the situation. But you’re not exactly happy yet.”

  “Yeah, Grace, you do have good intuition.” Kia narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. “Either that or you’ve been talking to Justin.”

  Grace ignored the accusation. “I would venture to guess that the problem might be tall, dark and handsome.”

  Kia laughed. “Close, but not quite. He’s blue-eyed and blond. Has Justin been dropping hints?”

  “Nope. Justin hasn’t said a thing. Your music says it all.”

  “You’re pretty smart, Grace.”

  “Oh no. But I think I read people pretty well.”

  Kia nodded. They both sipped their tea.

  “Why don’t you tell me about him?” Grace asked, after successfully managing to maneuver her mug back to the table again.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Everything. I have nothing but time.”

  Kia smiled and thought about her answer. “He has ... something. I don’t know what the word is, but he made me feel amazing. When we were together I felt ... I don’t know. Completely wrapped up in him. I thought maybe that was what love was,” she admitted. “But,” she added more softly, “now I know he never felt the same about me.”

  “Love is an imprecise word, isn’t it?” Grace said, her voice warbling a little. “One word simply can’t describe all the kinds of love in this world, but each kind of love is valid when you’re the one experiencing it.”

  Kia nodded, thinking of Derek, wondering what he had felt for her. “I think the worst part is I’m feeling so stupid. And used. I’d thought he felt the same way.”

  “It’s hard to measure what someone else is feeling.”

  “But he’s the one who started it,” Kia argued. “And there seemed to be such a strong attraction between us. I was sure of it. But then when...”

  Grace leaned forward, listening carefully.