Dancing Naked

by Shelley Hrdlitschka

K (in sweat pants)

  From: Justin

  To: Kia

  Date: March 7

  Subject: help is here!

  let’s go shopping! i’ll pick you up on sat. at 11:00. ok?

  justinpajamabottoms.

  From: Kia

  To: Justin

  Date: March 7

  Subject: Re: help is here!

  great!!! thanks!!!!

  k.

  “When is the baby due?” asked Miss Jaswal, the school counselor.

  “The end of August.” Kia sat in the counselor’s office, facing her across a wide desk.

  “And you plan to continue attending Creekside for the rest of this year?”

  Kia nodded and tugged down on her baggy sweatshirt after observing how neatly Miss Jaswal’s pale-blue silk blouse tucked into the waistband of her snug Calvin Klein jeans.

  “Senator Ridge High has a special program for teen mothers, you know.” Miss Jaswal crossed one long leg over the other and sat back in her chair. “Have you heard of it? You might feel more comfortable switching to that program.”

  “No. My friends are here. I’m staying.”

  Miss Jaswal leaned forward. “I understand how you feel now, Kia, but you might find your friends become ... how shall I put it?” She crinkled up her eyes. “Less friendly, once your pregnancy becomes more noticeable.” She glanced at Kia’s stomach. Her teeth were clenched but her lips were splayed in a chimpanzee-like smile. Kia noticed a lipstick smear on her front tooth. “I’ve seen it happen before,” Miss Jaswal continued. “Many times.”

  “Less friendly?” Kia shook her head. “That won’t happen with my friends.”

  “No? I hope you’re right.” Miss Jaswal sighed and leaned back in her chair again. “You’d have a lot more in common with those girls—the ones at Senator Ridge ...”

  “The only thing I’d have in common with them is pregnancy. There’s more to me than that.”

  “Okay,” she said. “It’s your choice. I’ll let your teachers know about your ... condition. I guess the only class you won’t be able to continue in is PE, depending on the unit. You and Mrs. Kennedy can decide how you will earn your mark. Maybe a report on post-natal fitness or something,” she added, glancing again at Kia’s stomach. She pushed back her chair and stood up. “Good luck, Kia.”

  “Thanks,” she said. For nothing. Before she closed the door behind her she poked her head back in to the office.

  “Yes?” Miss Jaswal asked.

  Kia tapped a front tooth with her finger. “Lipstick,” she said, crinkling her eyes and splaying her lips in her own chimpanzee imitation.

  “Mr. Fairborn won’t look me in the eye, and Mrs. Kislanko won’t stop staring at me. Ms. Rice tried hard to act like she didn’t know anything, and Howie-baby kept giving me a sad look, like I had cancer or something.”

  “Howie-baby?”

  “Yeah. Mr. Howard. You know—Howie-baby. Everyone calls him that. It’s because of his baby face, I think.”

  “I haven’t had him,” Shawna said, putting the lid on the nail polish and holding her hands up for inspection. “What do you think?” she asked.

  “They look great,” Kia said, walking away from the table in Shawna’s kitchen and opening the window. “But the smell is making me sick. Are you finished?”

  “I love the smell of nail polish.”

  “I used to, but I’m super sensitive to smells right now. It’s weird.”

  “The baby thing?”

  “Yeah. And look, Shawna,” Kia said, holding up her sweatshirt and pulling down the top of her sweatpants to expose the slight bulge of her stomach. It’s growing.”

  “Huh.”

  “Huh? Don’t you think it’s cool?”

  Shawna frowned.

  “There’s a baby growing in me, Shawna! It sucks its thumb. It’s kicking.” Kia unzipped her book bag and pulled out the picture from the ultrasound. “Look. Here she is.” She pointed to the dark shape in the center. “This is her head, her arm, her bum ... can you see her?”

  Shawna squinted at the fuzzy image. “I guess so. Sort of.”

  “So now do you think it’s cool?”

  “Cool? I would never have thought of it that way. But, yeah, sure, I guess ...” Shawna looked away.

  Kia sighed. At least Justin had thought it was. “How did ball tryouts go?”

  Shawna sat up. “Excellent!” The light was back in her eyes. “We all made it. Except you, of course. Brittney got your spot. But you’ll get it back next year.”

  “Brittney? No way!”

  “Yeah, she’s an awesome hitter. She must have been working out, because she looked fast running the bases.”

  “Are we talking about the same Brittney? Brittney Stokes?”

  Shawna nodded, pausing before she went on. “Everyone wanted to know where you were.”

  “Did you tell them?”

  Shawna nodded. “You said you were going to tell them the truth.”

  “I said I was going to tell the truth. Not you.” There was a hard edge to Kia’s voice.

  “That’s not the way I remember it,” Shawna said. “And you weren’t there. You wanted me to lie?”

  Kia crossed her arms. “How did they react?”

  Shawna smiled. “I wish you had seen their faces.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Uh-huh. Total shock. And then someone said, ‘Kia? Kia Hazelwood?’ Then they all wanted to know who—who the father was.”

  “Did you tell them that too?”

  “No. But someone guessed Derek. Everyone knew you were going out with him for awhile.”

  “Great.”

  “The general feeling was shock that you’d actually done it.”

  “Done it? You mean, like, had sex?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Do I look like the virgin queen or something?”

  “No, but you know how it is. Everyone seems to know who has and who hasn’t.”

  “I thought Derek had straightened everyone out with his rumors about me.”

  Shawna shrugged. “Maybe nobody believed him. The jilted boyfriend syndrome. It would make sense.”

  Kia nodded. She could make two lists too, one of those who’d had sex and one of those who hadn’t. She’d have to remember to move her own name over to the “had” side. Shawna was still a “had not” and seemed to be in no hurry to change her status. Kia hadn’t been either, before Derek.

  The room grew silent.

  “So what did you do today?” Shawna asked finally.

  “I went shopping for fat clothes with Justin.” Growing a baby had lost its charm in the last ten minutes.

  “With Justin? The Youth Group guy?”

  “Uh-huh.” Kia realized how out of touch she and Shawna had become. “He’s been a really good friend for the last few weeks.” Kia didn’t miss the look that crossed Shawna’s face. “You know what I mean. Not the kind of friend that you are, obviously.” She touched Shawna’s arm. “But he gets his mom’s car at nights and on weekends. He’s been coming to prenatal classes with me and stuff like that.”

  “He has?”

  Kia nodded. “I didn’t want to spend money on new clothes, and he always shops at second-hand stores so he knew where to go.”

  “What did you find?”

  “I found maternity clothes all right, but they are so gross! The pants have this ugly elastic panel thingie at the front or dumb little zippers at the side that you can let out as you grow bigger. All the shirts look like tents and have stupid slogans like ‘Baby Under Construction’ written on them. I bought a couple pairs of the zipper pants and some guy shirts to go over them. My own sweatpants will work for awhile longer. I guess I’ll have to go shopping again when the weather gets warm.”

  “With Justin?”

  “With whoever.” Kia studied Shawna’s face. “Why?”

  “Just wondering,” she said, smirking.


  Kia threw a cotton ball from the manicure set at her friend. “What are you getting at, Shawna?”

  Shawna threw it back. “Doesn’t it strike you as just a bit odd that a twenty-something-year-old would want to go shopping with you? He could have told you where the stores were. And prenatal classes? I’d say that’s pushing his role as Youth Group leader.”

  “Twenty-three, actually. And like I said, what are you getting at?”

  “I bet he’s got the hots for you.”

  “You think?” Kia picked up a nail file and pretended to study her nails.

  “And just maybe,” Shawna said, studying Kia’s reaction, “you’ve got the hots for him too.”

  Kia met Shawna’s gaze. “He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met. That’s for sure.”

  Shawna smiled. “And? Is that a confession?”

  Kia felt her skin get hot. “Sort of.” She smiled.

  “Aha! I knew it!” Shawna grinned.

  “There’s a few problems.”

  “And what are those?”

  “One, his age. My parents would freak. Two, he is the Youth Group advisor. He’s forbidden to have any kind of relationship with anyone in the group, other than platonic.”

  “Then you just have to quit the group.”

  Kia laughed. “Yeah. I guess that would work.”

  “What other problems are there?”

  “Well, none I guess. Except for the fact I’m having a baby and I’m going to get fat and look like a cow.”

  “That won’t last forever.”

  “No, you’re right. And you know, I think there’s something about this baby that fascinates Justin.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, it’s weird. He admitted he was already getting attached to it.”

  “You’re right. That is weird.”

  “Not that weird,” Kia said, suddenly defensive. “I’m pretty attached to it too. Just because you aren’t ...”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing.”

  Shawna got up and closed the window. “What’s he like, anyway? I’ve never met him.”

  “He’s ... sweet. The complete opposite of Derek. And he’s gentle and kind and spiritual and funny.”

  “A spiritual guy? C’mon, Kia!”

  “He is, and he’s everyone’s friend and I bet he’s never had an unkind thought. Ever. He sees beauty all around him.”

  Shawna clutched her throat, gagging. “He sounds weird to me.”

  “He is,” Kia laughed. “But once you get used to him you appreciate his weirdness.”

  “What does he look like?”

  Kia laughed again. “He looks just about as weird as he is. But he’s so ... centered.”

  “Centered? Get real!”

  “He is. You have to meet him. He radiates a kind of peacefulness.”

  “Like the great J.C. himself?”

  “Yeah. Just like that.”

  Shawna stared at her friend. “Kia, you’ve lost it. Getting pregnant has affected your brain.”

  Kia sighed. “Maybe you’re right. But being pregnant has helped me see what’s important about a guy and ...”

  “Maybe you’re just growing up.”

  “Maybe. And you would know, wouldn’t you?” Kia put her nose in the air and pressed her lips together. “Miss Maturity herself.”

  “Or maybe,” Shawna said softly, ignoring the comment, “just maybe, you’re feeling insecure about being pregnant and he’s treating you so nice and he is so different from Derek ...”

  Kia shook her head.

  “And he’s older and wiser and ...”

  “No, Shawna. That’s not it.”

  “And spiritual and sweet ...”

  “Shut up, Shawn!”

  Shawna shut up, but it was too late, Kia realized. The seed of doubt had been planted.

  week 16/40

  ~ fat is forming on baby

  ~ fingernails are well formed

  ~ baby is growing hair

  ~ size of a hand spread wide open

  Mar. 12

  Shawna is wrong.

  He is the perfect partner.

  Our feelings are mutual and right.

  It can work.

  It will work.

  Kia stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror at Jared’s house, where the music from the party could be felt more than heard as the walls vibrated. It wasn’t just her stomach that was growing, she noticed. Her face seemed rounder, and she’d struggled today to get a ring off her finger. She looked down at her maternity jeans and the sweatshirt that hung over them. She didn’t look pregnant yet. Just fat.

  The hallway was dark when she opened the door, and she only spotted the figure coming at her as she was shoved back into the bathroom.

  “Hey!”

  “Kia. How are you?”

  “Derek?” She stopped struggling and looked up. “I didn’t know you were here.”

  “Just long enough to see you coming to the bathroom,” he said. “Alone.” He shut the door and leaned against it. “We need to talk.”

  Kia felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. “I thought you said we didn’t have anything to talk about.”

  “We didn’t. But now we do.” He reached behind him and locked the door. Then he pointed at her slightly swollen stomach. “So, you never did fix your little problem.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  He stood very still, looking down at her. She didn’t dare move, and she didn’t look away. Then, just when she didn’t think she could stand the suspense any longer, he reached out and ever so gently ran his finger along her bottom lip—a gesture he knew used to arouse her. She hadn’t seen it coming. Their eyes remained locked as she pushed his arm away. She hoped he hadn’t spotted the shock she’d felt when that familiar sensation swept through her. Then she shook her head and looked away. What was the matter with her? How could she feel that with him again, that tingle of excitement?

  He moved closer, forcing her to back up. With only a few inches between them she could smell the beer on his breath. She noticed his bloodshot eyes. “That’s a shame,” he said, “because rumor has it that I’m the father.” There was a tremble in his voice that made Kia nervous.

  “I never told anyone that.” No one except her parents. And Justin. And Shawna.

  “No, you didn’t have to.”

  “I heard you’d spread rumors about me anyway. You said that I was sleeping around. Who knows what people think? Who cares?”

  “I care. I was ready to do the responsible thing. I took you to the doctor and the counseling session. I would have taken you for the abortion too, if I’d known you were going to chicken out.”

  “I didn’t chicken out.” But a twinge of guilt made her look away. She hadn’t included him in her decision, and it was his baby too.

  He was looking straight down at her, swaying slightly, a sneer plastered on his face. “I’d forgotten how pretty you are, Kia.” He leaned forward, forcing her back against the wall. Then, without warning, he pressed his lips against hers, assaulting her with the taste of beer and marijuana. She squirmed to free herself, but he pushed himself even harder against her, pinning her against the wall, his lips crushing hers. She fought desperately to escape, but with his size and weight, she couldn’t move. He began to grind his hips into hers.

  Rage welled up inside Kia. She tore her mouth away from his and screamed, but the vibration in the wall against her back reminded her how loud the music was. No one would hear anything.

  Derek’s hands began groping at anything they could reach. He leaned back a little, attempting to tug her sweatshirt up. It gave Kia just the space she needed. She jerked a knee up, hard. Her aim was perfect, nailing Derek in the groin. He stepped back, doubled over, groaning. She scrambled past him and stood at the door, looking down on him.

  “Now what is it you wanted to talk about?” she asked.

  “Bitch!” he gasped, still doubled over.

/>   “It’s too late for an abortion, Derek,” she said, watching him closely. “I’m having a baby.”

  He slumped against the far wall and slid to the floor. Then he covered his face with both hands. “I won’t have anything to do with it,” he said eventually.

  “You don’t have to.” Kia watched as he drew in great, shuddering breaths.

  “What are you going to do with ... it?”

  Kia noticed he couldn’t bring himself to say the word baby. Watching him, she realized the danger was gone. He looked pathetic, crouched there beside the toilet. She leaned against the bathroom door and slid down into a squatting position too. “I don’t know yet.”

  “If you keep it, I won’t contribute or anything.”

  “I’m not asking you to.”

  He was quiet for a long time. Then Kia watched while he rubbed his face and dropped his hands, but he didn’t look at her. “My dad would kill me for getting a girl pregnant.” His voice was thick with emotion.

  Kia didn’t answer. She just sat very still. Finally he looked up at her. She was shocked to see the fear in his eyes. “I’m serious,” he said. “He would kill me.”

  Kia tried to picture Derek’s father. She’d only met him once, but he did have an intimidating presence.

  “Then he doesn’t have to know.”

  “People talk.”

  “I’ll deny it.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know ...”

  “You don’t have a choice, Derek.”

  “You promise not to finger me?” he asked nervously.

  Kia was shocked at his expression. Gone was the swaggering big shot that she knew. Now he looked more like a frightened little boy cowering in the corner.

  “Your father doesn’t have to find out, Derek.”

  Derek covered his face with his hands again. Kia heard him sniffle and decided that he was more drunk or stoned than she’d thought.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. She opened the door and was about to slip out when he spoke again.

  “I’m sorry too, Kia,” he said. “But I can’t handle it.”

  “I know.” She shut the door and leaned against it. Then, taking a deep breath, she returned to the party and searched for Shawna among the dancing throng. She glanced at the couples leaning against the wall or sitting on the floor around the perimeter of the room. Heads were bent together in conversation—trying to be heard over the music—but Shawna wasn’t among them either.