Don't Tell Daddy

by Jai Amor

  Before she could get up, she was yanked up by her hair and tossed into the wall on the other side of the room, hitting her head before she slid down and feeling her teeth chatter together, the nerves in her gums shocked.

  “I’ll fucking kill you, taking my daughter around the same man you’re fucking.”

  Pamela believed that with her whole heart. Those words were no threat, but a promise that would be carried out if she didn’t fight this man off.

  Trying to catch her breath, Pamela scanned the room, looking for a way to get out. Her eyes landed on the stairs and she hoped she might be able to make it to Pilar’s room and call for help.

  That hope was crashed the moment she tried to get to the stairs and Bryan grabbed her by the back of the neck, slamming her forward onto her face. With everything in her, Pamela kicked back and hit Bryan in the anus and he fell backwards, giving her just enough time to get up.

  The moment Pamela reached the steps, her hair was pulled and Bryan punched her, causing her to fall backwards. She fought for consciousness as she curled up, giving up the fight she could never win, praying only that Pilar would stay asleep and not be subjected to this brutal sight.

  Bryan busted Pamela’s lip and blacked her eye, bruising her sides. She sobbed, hoping he could see that he had won, pushing him away. “Get off, get off, Bryan!” she sobbed.

  It all came back to her. This man who had once made such sweet love to her, who had never placed a violent hand to her was beating her ass. This man busted the same lips he had kissed so sweetly. This man blacked the eyes he’d sworn were so beautiful. Bruised the legs he had caressed. When did this become love? When was this okay? How had she come to accept this?

  Bryan got off Pamela and glared down at her, huffing. “Now look what you did to the living room, you stupid bitch.”

  Shaking, Pamela could only imagine what the front room looked like. Wiping her mouth and nose, all she could feel was thick blood and her head felt like it was going to split any moment.

  Pulling herself up, she went into the bathroom for some aspirin and took the entire bottle, hoping to numb the ache in her body and her head especially. Nothing would numb the ache in her heart.

  Staggering to the bed, Pamela fell into the mattress face down as everything went dark.

  She woke up in a hospital with her husband looking down at her, and her heart sped up. She tried to move away. “Calm down, baby,” he said softly.

  “I want a divorce. I can’t take this!” she sobbed, tears in her eyes.

  “Pamela, you’re not leaving me.”

  “Yes I am. You’re crazy. You didn’t do this to Heather. Why me?”

  “Heather acted like she had a grain of common sense in her head. If you act right, we wouldn’t have to go through this.”

  Pamela had told herself those words for so long. She had believed those words for so long. But if she continued to allow herself to believe that, someday, her own daughter might love a man who made her believe the same thing.

  “I’m leaving and if you don’t let me, I’m going to tell the police what you do to me. What you did in front of our daughter, and they’re going to take that shit seriously. I want a divorce, and I want custody.”

  “You want custody? You pathetic excuse of a mother.”

  “You better agree to the shit. If I tell the courts that you beat the mother of your child, they won’t even give your ass so much as public visitation. I want out.”

  Bryan stormed out of the room, knowing Pamela was right.

  Staring at the ceiling, Pamela reflected on the last twenty-four hours of her life. Of what it took for her to finally decide that she shouldn’t keep making the same mistake every day.

  New Start

  When Pamela got home from the hospital with strict orders to rest, Pamela told her parents she was getting a divorce, and they were glad. She confided in her mother about what Bryan had done, hoping her mother wouldn’t tell Jonta. But Carmella couldn’t keep that secret to herself. So Jonta naturally made Bryan feel as small and helpless as Pamela ever did. He went to the hospital that very same day. It was just all so much. So confusing.

  She called Jordan at his job. The moment she heard his voice on the phone, she whispered, “I’m leaving him,” on a breath.

  There was a long silence, and Pamela worried that Jordan didn’t care anymore, or that maybe she had called him at a bad time. Until finally, “Good.”

  “I don’t know what to do,” she admitted, breaking down. “I’m staying with my parents again. I don’t have anything. It’s all at Bryan’s house.”

  “Can I come see you tonight when I get off, Pamela? I’ll help you get your stuff from his house. Sound good?”

  “Yes,” she sniffled.

  Jordan came over to the house a few hours after she had called him, and it killed him inside to see her in such a way. He hardly recognized the beautiful woman who had walked into his house and snuck out. “When you leave, Pamela, I’m not letting you come back to him.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Move in with me.”

  “Okay.”

  He kissed her softly and helped her pack her things up, and he carried her bags while she carried Pilar. He helped her move her things out, and he took her hands in his. “You’re done with him?” he checked.

  “I’m done.”

  He was good with Pilar, and Pilar seemed comfortable with him.

  Jordan made dinner and told Pamela to rest and heal. “Will you marry me when you can?” he asked. She nodded. He kissed her, smiling.

  Pamela was so glad to be free of the man she had wanted so desperately. Heather said that everything intended for them, they’d receive and Pamela had received some pretty rough beatings. Everything had gone so downhill. But now, here was Jordan. Still here so patiently after two years. She hoped this was God’s way of telling her she was forgiven. She was ready to start a new chapter in her life. A healthier one. She wanted to show her daughter a man was going to love her, and she wanted Jordan to be there and show how it was done.

  Slow Down

  Pamela hadn’t slept in Jordan’s bed when she stayed the night. Not that she hadn’t wanted to. But Pilar asked her to sleep with her, so she slept with her baby, holding her in her arms.

  When the baby asked Pamela why her face looked the way it did, she told her she just hurt herself. She didn’t have the heart to tell her baby that Bryan had done it. Bryan was a good father; he was just an abusive husband.

  It hurt Pamela’s heart because things hadn’t started that way. Bryan took his paranoia out on her and the fear did more to run her away than keep her near. At a point in time, he was everything she had ever wanted.

  She hadn’t been able to sleep, because every time she closed her eyes, she saw Bryan lifting her off her feet by her throat. Or over her, fists clenched hitting her. There was a time he had even kicked her.

  When Pilar woke up, Pamela took her to shower with her. Then she went downstairs. Jordan was still asleep, but she began to make breakfast. He came down with his hair wet and dressed simply in jeans and a sweater. Pamela smiled when she saw him, getting butterflies. She forgot for a second that her face looked the way it did as she smiled at him. He came and kissed her. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

  “You just looked so cute.”

  He shook his head as Pilar came into the kitchen and ran to Jordan, hugging his leg. “Hi Jowdan,” she greeted, grinning up at him.

  He picked her up. “Buenos días, cariña.”

  When Pamela finished cooking, they sat at the table and ate, and Pilar stopped talking only long enough to eat her bacon.

  Since it was Sunday, Jordan didn’t have to work but he was going to church. “You should come, Pamela.”

  “Huh?”

  “To church. You should come with me.”

  “I haven’t been to church since my quinces.”

  “It’s never too late to go back. To get your life right with the Lord.”
<
br />   “Do you see what I look like?”

  “You think God care what you look like? Pamela, just come to church. I can guarantee you will feel a thousand times better.”

  Pamela decided she would go, but only if she could stop and get some makeup to at least conceal her wounds.

  So they all left the house together, and Jordan was right. Church made her feel better. But when the reverend called her over, she got a little nervous. “Just go on, Pamela,” Jordan encouraged. She walked over to the pastor, and he took her hands, looking down at her.

  “You’ve been through some things, child,” he said knowingly, and she only looked up at him. “But the Lord is working it out. He’s taking the Devil’s hands off you. I don’t know exactly what it is, I don’t know you. But He forgives you.”

  Pamela started swiping tears away. She hadn’t met this man in her life, and here he was sending word of the Lord’s forgiveness. She nodded, and he hugged her. “Pray, child,” he advised. She nodded, and she went and took Jordan’s hand. He didn’t ask, and she didn’t tell.

  They went back to his house, and he made lunch. Her parents came and saw her. Jonta went and spoke to Jordan so that Carmella could get a moment with Pamela. “Come home,” she told her.

  “Why?”

  “Pamela, you’re going through a divorce. You can’t just spring yourself into a new relationship, and you can’t just spring a new man on your daughter. Take things slow. You don’t know that you’re ready for this.”

  “I started looking for an apartment. If I come home, you’re going to have to see Bryan and I know you don’t want to. Lord knows what Daddy will do if he does. Pilar is still his daughter, and he is still a good father.”

  “He choked you in front of your daughter.”

  “He was choking me when she came in. He stopped when he saw her.”

  “Pamela—”

  “I can’t keep my daughter’s father out of her life because he did something to me. Bryan is capable of being a good daddy. He’s just not the man for me. I wanted to stay, Ma. I did. Every day, I wanted it to work out for these next seventeen years for our little girl. But I couldn’t deal when… When my daughter began to see it, I left. Bryan needed to cool off.”

  Pamela shook her head at her own stupidity. She knew better than what she had allowed to happen. She knew better than staying in the first place, and infinitely better than returning.

  “But stupidly, I decided to go home because he missed the baby. So he put her to bed, but not long after that, shit changed. Open hands turned to closed ones and I never want to feel that again. I understood finally that if I stayed and kept lying, the shit would just get worse and worse. But he wouldn’t do that to Pilar. He did it to me because he wanted to own me. Because he didn’t want to see me with anyone else.”

  Carmella stroked her daughter’s hair back. “Why didn’t you tell anyone what he was doing to you?” she asked, tears in her own eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything the very first time it happened?”

  “I wanted to believe he wouldn’t do it again and then after that, I started believing it was my fault. If I just did what he told me to do… If I just acted right, he would keep his hands off me; and so I tried to be the perfect little Stepford wife. But it was overwhelming sometimes. The only good thing I could see from my marriage is Pilar. I mean… When I lost Julio, I was so close to leaving then. That was almost the breaking point. But when I got pregnant again, I just wanted us to be a family. So I stayed.”

  “I couldn’t foresee Bryan becoming this way. He’s changed so much from the man I met. He would never have put his hands on a woman. Not even his daughters. But the fact that he would even involve himself with you should have been an indicator. I really cried my heart out when you married him, Pamela, because I begged you not to. Because a relationship between two people with your age gap, at your stages in life especially, usually do turn violent. Because a man with a young wife is always paranoid he will lose her. So he puts her down, tries to make her believe he’s the only one there is for her. That no one else will want her. He’ll give her nice things to say that he loves her. Pamela, I don’t care how many times and how many ways in how many languages Bryan told you he loved you. It was all bullshit, and it was all him taking advantage of your youth.”

  Pamela didn’t say anything more about it. “I went to church today, Ma, and it felt really good. I think I want to go back.”

  “That’s good, sweetheart. I wish you had kept going to church, but I wasn’t going to force you into it. You’d never accept Him for your own.”

  Pamela nodded. When Carmella got up, Jonta came and sat with her. “Why didn’t you tell me he put his hands on you?”

  “Because I wanted to stay.”

  “You wanted—” Jonta stopped short and looked at his daughter, her face a wreck. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath so that he wouldn’t shout. “Why did you want to stay, Pamela?”

  “For Pilar.”

  “And that seemed like a good home structure?”

  “When she saw it, I left. It was okay to me when her eyes were sheltered.”

  “Pamela, I love you. But you sound really fucking stupid right now.”

  “I know.”

  “Why would you tell Carmella not to tell me?”

  “Because I knew what you would do.”

  “And he’s lucky I haven’t killed him. I didn’t approve of the marriage. I’ll grant you that. It was why I didn’t give you to him, Pamela. Because I couldn’t accept it. But by no means would I sit by and let him hurt my baby.”

  “Your eyes are blacked.”

  “And he’s in the hospital. Who got the worst end of the deal?”

  “I left, Daddy. That’s the important thing.”

  “Come home.”

  She told him the same thing she told her mother, and Jonta’s face was screwed up. “You’re going to keep letting him see Pilar?”

  “She’s his child, Daddy. I can’t change her biology.”

  “No, but you can change her chemistry before these things are solidified in her mind.”

  “I’m not taking his daughter away from him. He didn’t hurt Jada.”

  “Yeah, and Heather also wasn’t getting her ass beat. Two different wives and two different daughters.”

  Although a part of what Jonta was saying rang true to Pamela, she couldn’t see not allowing her daughter to have her father in her life. That man loved her like nothing in the world and Pilar loved him.

  “He won’t hurt her, Daddy. I’ll make him get counseling before he can have her alone. Okay? I admit, he’s developed some anger issues these past two years and I’ll make sure he works them out. But he has never hit our daughter or yelled at her and I don’t have reason to believe he’ll start.”

  “Because hitting his wife wasn’t reason enough? Pamela, if you let that man see this little girl, and he hurts her, I’m going to kill the both of you; and that, I promise.”

  “I understand that. He won’t do anything to hurt our daughter.”

  “No? He sure did enough to hurt mine.”

  Jonta looked at his baby girl. His only child. He never wanted this for her and he never imagined that things would turn out this way.

  “You know the part that hurts me most, Pamela? Heather said you asked her if he abused her and at first, she thought it might just be an idle question. But people don’t ask questions like that without reason, but when she asked, you lied to her. You could have gotten help then, and you rejected it.”

  “I was pregnant with my son. I wanted to stay.”

  “Is that why you miscarried?”

  “No. After the first time, it didn’t happen again until after I had Pilar. But Bryan could be so sweet that when he snapped I believed it was my fault. I mean… He was taking care of us and he took us places and he set up dates. So when he would slap me, I would tell myself to just be good. Because he treated me good. Honestly, the only reasons I left was because Pilar saw it
the first time I left and because he came too close to killing me the second time. I don’t want to die. I want to take care of my daughter. I need to find a job.”

  “No, you don’t need to worry about working, Pamela. Whatever you need, I’ll get it for you. But I want you to go to school. Better yourself.”

  “Okay.”

  Jordan invited her parents to stay and have dinner, and that night, Pamela slept in his bed. He held her. “Jordan?”

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  He kissed her head, pulling her closer to him.

  The next morning, her search for an apartment continued. Good news came to her in the form of a phone call from Jada. “I need a roommate,” she told her. “Your half of the rent would only be one-fifty and there’s a room for Pilar. I’m moving in today regardless, but I heard you were looking for a place to stay, so I told the landlord I could wait for you to sign the lease too if you like it.”

  “What side of town?”

  “West.”

  “Works for me.”

  Pamela got directions to the apartment, and it was only ten minutes away from Jordan’s house and fifteen from his church.

  Pamela signed the lease with Jada. It was only for six months. By then, Jada planned on being out in Massachusetts.

  Jada sat down and had a talk with Pamela their first night there. Pilar was asleep, and they sat on the sofa in their socks and pajamas. “I’m not sorry I fought you. But I am sorry my daddy did. What I did, you deserved. You had coming to you. What he did… I don’t know how you just accepted it. I mean, when you just let me hit you without fighting back, that was shocking. But how could you just let a man beat you up like that?”

  “You wouldn’t understand if I explained,” Pamela said softly, looking down.

  “No, you’re right. Pamela. I wouldn’t understand. I know we fell out, but I do still love you. Things ain’t the same, I know. But no man, not even my father, beating you like a man is okay.”

  “Well, I left now, Jada. Okay? I left.”