I'll Be Here (Matters of the Heart Book 2)

by Yesenia Vargas

  I stop there because I hate talking about feelings and shit.

  But he has to get it. It wouldn’t have been easy regardless, even if Adam wasn’t back.

  I’m just not sure I can trust Brian right now as anything more than a friend. But I don’t say that to him because he looks upset enough already. He stands up too and looks at me. And nods.

  “I just can’t even think of being with anyone right now,” I say. “I don’t know if I’m ready.”

  He gives my hand a squeeze before pulling his own back.

  “I get it,” he says quietly.

  He seems to say so much with those three words. He gets why I can’t go out with him right now, maybe not ever. I have no idea how to feel otherwise.

  I had given him my heart last year, and he’d taken it with him to Mexico.

  ###

  Two days later, I have to do the same thing with Adam.

  He’s been coming on a little too hard ever since he found out that Brian was back.

  I’d told him the day after Brian had showed up at my house, and I swear it’s like it lit something up inside him. He started trying to hold my hand, sit a little too close, and it finally got to be too much.

  “Listen, I can’t do this,” I say. “You said I could have time, and you’re not doing that.” I almost snap at him, but he doesn’t even flinch. “I need my space. I can’t handle this. You and Brian, acting like I’m some kind of trophy to be won.”

  Well, to be honest, it was more like Adam who had been acting like that, but Brian had been acting like I was already his.

  I’m not anybody’s girlfriend right now. And I don’t want to be. Why can’t they understand that?

  “So you’re saying I still have a chance?” Adam asks. I swear this boy is relentless, but I’d rather see this reaction than him moving away again. To be honest, I’d seen the look on his face when he’d first heard Brian was back, like I was automatically going to get back together with him. But even I’m surprised I didn’t. Especially that tiny part of my heart that still loves him and wants to pretend he never left.

  So I say, “No promises, Adam. No promises to you or Brian. Maybe I’ll pull a DJ Tanner and choose neither of you,” I say, walking away as the bell rings to signal the end of lunch. “Maybe I’ll choose to love myself.”

  “Ugh, don’t do that. I hate it when girls do that,” Adam calls after me, and I can’t help but smile.

  chapter five

  “What are you looking at?” my mom asks. I’m sitting at the kitchen table while my aunt and my mom finish whipping up dinner. We’re having one of my favorite meals, flautas. My tía rolls up some chicken or potato in a corn tortilla, fries it until it’s crispy, and serves a handful of these little tacos with a salad, sour cream, and of course, plenty of homemade salsa.

  I show my mom the papers that I’d gotten at the senior assembly at school today. All the twelfth graders had been called down to the theater and given a ton of information, enough to make my head spin.

  The counselor and a couple of the teachers had gone over everything we had to do this year, from testing to applying to colleges and scholarships to graduation requirements.

  I try to explain it all to my mom, but she mostly gives me a blank stare and kind of nods. I don’t understand a lot of this stuff myself. I’m supposed to register for the SAT, but I have no idea how or what to study.

  I’m also supposed to have a list of four or five colleges I want to apply to, including a “safe” choice, like a community college or something. And apparently each school is going to have its own requirements, which I have to look up. And their own deadlines.

  And there’s a list of credits here that I have to be sure to have by the end of the year or I won’t graduate.

  The counselor said we had to make an appointment with her, and she’d help us figure all of this out, which is good because I have no idea what I’m doing.

  Some of the kids, their parents and older siblings had gone to college so they were already familiar with some of this stuff, and they were already getting a lot of help.

  Like since tenth grade or last year.

  I hadn’t started on any of this stuff, and now I’m trying not to panic.

  It’s just too much. I have no idea where to start. My mom picks up one of the papers, but I can tell she has no idea what she’s looking at.

  My aunt comes over and does the same after hearing us talk about it.

  Neither of them had graduated high school. They’d dropped out and gotten married, jobs, or pregnant. In my mom’s case, all of the above.

  My tía looks at me and sits down across from me. “It must be so exciting. Your last year of high school. Promise me you’re going to enjoy it. It only comes along once, and I wish I had known that back when I was your age. But all I cared about was ‘love.’” She says it with a roll of her eyes, but with a smile.

  I think she regrets dropping out of high school and not getting the full experience before having kids.

  “Don’t let my brother hear you say that,” my mom jokes.

  “Now I love Herman, but we grew up way too fast.”

  “Not Herman. He was grown up since the age of eleven.”

  My tía laughs. “That’s true. But I always wondered what it would be like to do everything kids get to do nowadays. Graduate high school, go to college, be independent for a few years and have a career before starting a family. You should do that, Katia.”

  I smile and gather up all the papers. “That’s the plan. I just don’t know where to begin.”

  ###

  “Okay, so how about you finish up this side, and I’ll do this other side?” I point to the poster and look at Adam.

  He’s at my house. We’d gotten home from school like thirty minutes ago. We have this science project to work on together so he followed me to my house so we could work on it during our free period.

  He’d never come over to my house before this week, but I guess there was never really a reason for him to.

  Not without my mom, uncle, or aunt giving me some funny or teasing looks. I know lots of people at school who just hang out at each other’s houses all the time, no matter if it’s guys or girls. Even if their parents aren’t home.

  But that kind of thing doesn’t really fly in my culture.

  My mom isn’t as strict, but I had explained anyway that this was just us working on a project for school. Nothing else.

  Adam’s hand brushes mine as I finish some lettering on my side of the poster and he glues something down.

  I don’t say anything, though. I’m sure that time wasn’t on purpose.

  He glances at his phone. “I should get going. We still have the whole week. Maybe I can come over again tomorrow?”

  I nod. “Sure. This is due Friday, right?”

  We stand up. “Yeah. Maybe after we get this over with, we can celebrate with a movie or something?”

  It starts out as a sentence but ends up as a question. He’s looking at me, waiting for answer.

  I finally look at him and give him a thin-lipped smile. “I’ll think about it.”

  “I’m good with that,” he says with a real smile, and I can’t help but do the same.

  I’m sure in his mind he’s already envisioning us getting all cozy at the movies or something, but I’m pretty sure I’ve already made my mind up about Adam and me and just staying friends.

  The more I think about it, the more the question becomes whether I’ll get back together with Brian or not.

  I also realize that this means that eventually I’ll have to break the bad news to Adam.

  Without breaking him again in the process.

  But for now, I’m happy with us just being like this again. Talking. Having fun.

  Being friends.

  ###

  Meanwhile, I haven’t talked to Brian in a few days.

  He’d come over one more time, and we’d hung out for a little while outside, just kind of talked. But it had m
ostly turned awkward, like neither of us knew what to say to each other.

  Like things aren’t the same anymore. I don’t know if that scares me, or makes me sad, or what. But it’s just weird.

  Just six months ago, I could have never imagined us in a place like this. Now, here we are.

  So I’m surprised when he texts me late that night, after working on the science project with Adam.

  Sorry I haven’t been in touch lately.

  You don’t have to apologize, I want to say. It’s not like he’s my boyfriend, and I’m going to be mad because he’s been ignoring me or something.

  But I don’t say that.

  What have you been up to?

  That’s what I say instead.

  I found a job. The hours suck, but the pay is decent. Can you talk?

  I look at the time. I should be in bed. I mean I am, but I should be asleep right now.

  But I text Brian that I can talk, and a minute later, we’re on the phone.

  “So what kind of job did you get?” I ask.

  “Uh, you know, just working with my uncle again. Full-time, though.”

  I want to ask more to keep the small talk going, but it sounds like he’s annoyed with work or something. So I try to change the subject. I’m about to ask how his family is doing when he speaks up first.

  “How was your day? Your week?”

  I turn onto my side and stare at the dark wall with my phone up to my ear.

  “Oh, you know, same old, same old. Just school. Day in and day out. Nothing much to tell.”

  There’s some silence as I don’t know what else to say.

  “I bet senior year is great,” he says, like maybe I’ll confess how much fun I’m having without him.

  “Eh,” I reply.

  More silence.

  “I miss you,” Brian finally says.

  I hold back a sigh, a kind of frustrated one. Not a sappy romantic one. “Brian…” is all I can manage to say without potentially hurting his feelings.

  Part of me, a small part, wants to say that I miss him back, but a bigger part of me won’t let it.

  Because sooner or later, he’ll have to go back home, right? Isn’t that how this is going to turn out? He’ll stay in the U.S. for a few months, maybe a year or two, and then once his dad is better or he’s sent them enough money, he’ll return home? To his real home where his family is waiting for him?

  And he’ll choose them over me again. Not that I’m saying he shouldn’t. But why go through the pain again?

  I hear Brian give a sigh himself, and there’s this weird feeling in my chest because I can almost sense the hurt Brian must be going through right now.

  “Just tell me this,” he says. “Is there any chance of us getting back together? Of you forgiving me?’

  I stammer as I find something to say. “Forgive you for what?”

  “I know you hate me, Katia. For leaving. Is that what this is? You’re mad? You don’t trust me?”

  “I’m not mad,” I say, but even now, I look down.

  “How long, what do I have to do, so you can see that I want to be with you? That you’re everything to me.”

  I gather up the courage to say what’s really on my mind. Or part of it.

  “How long before you leave again?”

  “Is that what you think is going to happen?”

  “Tell me it isn’t,” I say quietly.

  He sighs again, and I can already tell this is getting too complicated.

  “I don’t know, Katia,” he says. “I’m not going to lie. If something happens, and I have to leave tomorrow, I’ll leave. I won’t have a choice. But I can tell you this. I’m going to stay as long as I can. As long as it takes to win you back. My family is important, but so are you.”

  chapter six

  I’m at school on a Saturday morning.

  Scratch that.

  Make that dawn on a Saturday morning.

  Somebody tell me what is wrong with this picture. So many things.

  But I’m not the only one here. There are a ton of people here this morning. I lock my car and head to the front, pulling my hair into a ponytail as I go. Supposedly you can’t be late to these things or they won’t let you in to take the SAT, and I only have a couple minutes to spare.

  I curse under my breath when I realize I forgot my pocketbook with my ID in it. I run back and grab it and then I jog back to the front of the school. I can see a crowd of people there waiting.

  Just as I’m approaching, a couple of teachers open the double doors, and we all go inside.

  I don’t think I’ve ever heard this many people our age be this quiet. I guess they’re half-asleep too.

  I get in line, my pocketbook and pencils in hand. That’s all we’re allowed to bring today.

  I’d signed up for this a few weeks ago, back when the counselor had given us all those papers about stuff we needed to do during senior year.

  I’d gotten a fee waiver from the school counselor and studied a little bit online. She’d told me to buy the big blue book, and I had.

  But I hadn’t really studied. Unless you count cramming last night at about midnight.

  I’d totally forgotten about this stupid test, but if I remember correctly, I think I can take it again or as many times as I need to get a good score for whatever college I want to get into.

  No idea what kind of score that means I need to get today. I’ll worry about that later, I guess.

  It’s finally my turn in line, and I hand over my ID. Before I know it, I’m walking to the room the lady had told me. I know exactly where that is.

  A minute or two later, I’m there. I’m not the first one. Half the class is already full of juniors and seniors waiting to take the test. A lot of people have their heads down, pencils set down in front of them. There’s one kid sharpening all ten of his pencils. There’s always that kid.

  I take a seat near the back and wish I’d worn sweatpants instead of short gym shorts. It’s cold in here. I’ll have to make do with the hoodie I have on.

  I can also see that some people brought snacks. That would have been a good idea. I’d had some yogurt really quick for breakfast this morning, and an apple, but my stomach is already grumbling for real food.

  Ugh. I wonder how long this test is going to take.

  I rub my eyes awake. I’m already getting sleepy too, and I’m wondering how I’m going to sit through this whole thing.

  It seems like ages before the teacher at the front of the room even starts the test, much less before we all finish it.

  I walk out of there, resisting the urge to shake my head. I make it to my car and get inside. It’s already past noon, and it’s baking hot in here. I grab my phone from the seat and turn it on. I knew it wasn’t allowed inside so I hadn’t even bothered to take it.

  Now I see a couple of messages from my mom. Another from Adam.

  Hey, want to go grab some lunch?

  Yeah, he was here taking the SAT too, but I hadn’t even had time to look for him. I’m surprised I hadn’t run into him.

  I text him back real quick. I just want food at this point.

  Sure. Tell me where before I collapse from hunger and lack of sleep.

  Then I text my mom that yes, I’m alive and I’m going to grab a bite to eat and I’ll be home later.

  I thought you’d never reply lol I’ve been sitting here hoping you’ll respond for like 20 mins. Subs?

  I can imagine.

  Sorry our class got out late. Sounds good. Meet you there.

  I pull onto the road, willing my stomach to not eat itself and hoping beyond hope that I passed that stupid test.

  ###

  A few days later, I get an incoming text message from Brian.

  You know, I've been thinking a lot about something.

  I wonder what he’s going to say next. If it's something that he remembers about us, maybe about when he first moved back.

  But instead, it’s this.

  I’ve bee
n thinking a lot about the fact that my mom really wishes I could have graduated this year.

  My heart sinks for Brian. I remember when we had talked about that last year. How he said his mom had already bought a picture frame for the photo of him walking across the stage to receive his diploma.

  Now because of everything that had happened, I don't think that's going to ever come true.

  We’re already halfway through the year, and Brian hasn't enrolled in school. He can't so he won’t. He's chosen not to because his family needs him working a full-time job. And that's sad. No one should ever have to make that choice.

  It’s not like high school is the ideal place to be, but everybody should get a chance to graduate, to make something of themselves, especially when you're the first one in your family to do so. Brian’s the only one in his family who can maybe give them a better life. At least right now.

  I think about what his parents must be going through, his dad unable to work and paralyzed on one side of his body.

  Then I think about how scary that would be for me if it happened to my mom or even my uncle. If one of them couldn’t work anymore, and we were really struggling again. I would probably do whatever it took to help out too. To make sure that my mom didn’t worry and my younger brothers had everything they needed. Even if I'm not as close to them as Brian is with his younger siblings, I’d still do anything for them.

  I text him back.

  You know you could still come back to school. You've only been gone a few months. I'm sure you could make it up.

  But even typing that I already know what he's going to say: that he can't. And that's exactly what he says next.

  I wish, but I have to work. My family is barely making it as it is.

  It must really suck to not be able to have your senior year.

  Just like last year when everything was going on with his mom and sister over the death of Brian’s little sister, I wish there was something I could do to help. Even if I'm not sure we’ll ever be boyfriend and girlfriend again, if I’ll ever fully see him that way again, I still want to be Brian's friend. I still want to be there for him.