Once in a Lifetime

by Chrissie Manby

  Funnily enough, that didn’t seem to appeal. Dani didn’t push it. She was pretty sure she’d have a better time without Flossie moping along beside her. She wondered how much longer she could hold out on the phone ban, though she knew very well that the first person Flossie contacted would be Jed. Ugh. Was there any way to stop it?

  Though she was almost certain that Will would not be at boot camp that Saturday, this time Dani decided to make an effort. She changed out of her pyjamas into her most flattering jeans and a T-shirt that showed off her best assets.

  Several of the male dog owners pretended they hadn’t noticed, Dani thought, as she joined them in the semi-circle. Nurse Van Niekerk did notice.

  ‘White jeans. Never a good idea.’

  Will wasn’t there. The original Mr Princess, Nat, was back in his place.

  Dani found she was glad. That last meeting in the car park, when she handed back the ring, had left Dani feeling unmoored in a strange, intangible way. Here was her chance to get things back on an even keel. To have another of those disturbingly normal conversations which set the tone for their relationship as old lovers and new friends. When they were allowed to talk, that is.

  ‘Puppies, ready? Owners, ready? Three times around the football pitch! Run!’

  ‘How are you?’ Dani asked, after Nurse Van Niekerk had delivered that week’s closing speech and sent them on their way. ‘How was Paris?’

  ‘It was great,’ said Nat.

  ‘It certainly looked wonderful. Congratulations on your engagement. Will showed me the pictures on Lola’s Instagram.’

  ‘So he made it to Best Behaviour Boot Camp?’

  ‘He certainly did. Nurse Van Niekerk was unimpressed by your lack of commitment, of course, but Will managed to charm her in the end.’

  ‘He’s a pretty charming guy.’

  ‘He is,’ said Dani. ‘But tell me more about Paris? Did you eat lots of good food? Drink lots of lovely wine?’

  ‘Yes. How was your weekend?’ Nat quickly changed the subject.

  ‘Nice. Will and I actually had a rather jolly lunch at The Pirate Ship toasting your future happiness.’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘Yes. He’s a good laugh, Will.’

  She tried not to be disappointed that Nat hadn’t seen the Instagram photo of Will, Dani and the dogs. Though Lola must have.

  ‘Nat,’ Dani said. ‘I’ve decided that to make up for the hassle of the lost engagement ring, I’d like to make a cake for your engagement party.’

  ‘You really don’t have to,’ said Nat.

  ‘No. I’d like to. Consider it my engagement gift to you.’

  ‘Only if you come to the party,’ said Nat.

  ‘If I’m invited.’

  ‘You are.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Next Friday at my parents’ place.’

  ‘I think I remember the address. Look, Nat, it’s nosy of me to ask but I was surprised you didn’t use the ring after all. The one that Jezza ate.’

  ‘No. Lola decided that given where the ring had been, she’d rather have a new one.’

  ‘But it wasn’t damaged. And I disinfected it. And you disinfected it again.’

  ‘I know,’ said Nat. ‘But Lola said she was worried that every time she looked at the ring, she would think of dog shit. And that’s really the last thing a man wants when his fiancée looks at her engagement ring, right?’

  ‘I suppose it is,’ said Dani. ‘I hope you were at least able to swap it for the new one.’

  ‘They were only too happy when I asked to upgrade it to a carat and a half,’ said Nat.

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘That size looks better on Lola’s finger. And quality gem stones are always a good investment.’

  ‘Wow again,’ said Dani. ‘Is this really Nat the Che Guevara fan I’m talking to?’

  Nat groaned. ‘Don’t. I really was clueless back then.’

  ‘But passionate with it. About equality and alleviating poverty and things like that.’

  Nat shrugged. ‘It’s easy to be passionate until you realise how much there is to be done.’

  ‘Never lose your passion, Nat. Isn’t that what you once said to me?’

  ‘Probably,’ Nat laughed. ‘I really was full of crap.’

  ‘I would have called it heart.’

  ‘You always thought the best of me,’ Nat said.

  When he asked, Dani said she didn’t have time for a coffee.

  Dani got back from Best Behaviour Boot Camp to find Flossie sitting in the garden with Jane. They were winding wool. Flossie had a perfectly hangdog expression, as she let Jane wrap four-ply around her hands.

  ‘Oh all right then,’ said Dani, without needing even a word from her daughter. ‘You can have your phone. But promise me you won’t see Jed again, Flossie. The first time I hear you’ve seen that boy, I’ll take your phone away again and send you to boarding school.’

  ‘I won’t see him,’ Flossie promised. ‘I know you’re right, Mum. He could have got me into serious trouble. He can’t love me very much if he was willing to put me in such a bad position, can he?’

  Dani nodded. ‘I’m glad you can see it like that now.’

  ‘I do see it like that. Mum, I know I’ve been silly and I’m sorry if I’ve hurt or embarrassed you along the way. Grandma, I need to apologise to you too.’

  Jane patted Flossie on the hand.

  ‘And me!’ Sarah shouted as she let herself into the garden through the gate. ‘I always stuck up for Jed. More fool me.’

  ‘Sorry, Auntie Sarah,’ said Flossie.

  Sarah wrapped Flossie in her arms. ‘Darling, there will be many more men to fall in love with and some of them may even be worth it.’

  ‘Thank you. Could you take over for me?’

  Flossie handed the wool to Sarah and fired up her phone. It immediately started beeping and chirping and ringing itself into a frenzy.

  ‘Someone’s popular,’ said Jane.

  ‘Not full of messages from Jed, I hope,’ said Dani. ‘Remember you’re not answering them.’

  ‘I know. I’m just going to send Camilla a WhatsApp,’ she said. ‘Mum, is it OK if I go and stay at hers tonight? Only it’s her birthday and Xanthe is going to be there too. I swear we won’t do anything we shouldn’t.’

  Dani looked to the two older women for back-up. She hadn’t intended to let Flossie have all her privileges back so quickly but …

  ‘You’ve learned your lesson, haven’t you, Floss?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Yes,’ said Flossie. ‘I really have.’

  ‘All right then,’ said Dani. ‘I’ll call Camilla’s mum and check that it’s ok.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’ Flossie grinned. After a week of frowns and thunder it was like the sun coming out. Everyone was happy again.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  For the rest of the weekend, Dani had work to do. She was determined that Lola and Nat’s engagement cake should be even more special than the birthday cake she’d made for Lola’s thirtieth. This time, she had more information about Lola’s likes and dislikes. She knew that Lola preferred lemon to chocolate, thanks to the cupcake disaster. So, a lemon sponge it was, sandwiched together with a delicious lemon cream that Dani would have happily eaten by the spoonful. In fact, she did eat it by the spoonful and had to make a second batch.

  For decoration, Dani decided she would make a couple of figurines as a cake topper. Dani loved making sugar figurines. It took her right back to childhood, when Plasticine and Play-Doh were among her favourite toys. Flossie had been a big Play-Doh fan too. It wasn’t until then that Dani realised what a pain in the arse all types of modelling clay are if you’re the parent who has to clean the carpet. It was fun, though. Dani enjoyed making the three little figures. Especially the dog.

  Of course, Princess hadn’t actually been at the Paris proposal but, with a bow in her hair, she made the perfect finishing touch as far as Dani was concerned. Now that she had Jeremy Corbyn, she c
ouldn’t imagine creating her own family tableau without putting Jezza in the middle of it.

  Dani introduced Jezza to the sugar model of Princess. That did not go well.

  ‘Nurse Van Niekerk? It’s Mrs Jezza.’

  ‘What’s he eaten now?’ Nurse Van Niekerk asked.

  ‘Fondant icing. Not chocolate. About a marble’s worth.’

  ‘Watch with care. Expect diarrhoea.’

  ‘Plus ça change.’

  Dani kept her second attempt at modelling Princess well out of Jezza’s reach.

  The engagement party was being held at Nat’s family home. Nat and Lola had a small town house in one of Newbay’s new developments, which they were renting while the Victorian villa Nat had bought was comprehensively renovated. However, the town house was too small for a really good party, so Nat’s parents had offered their place instead.

  Dani remembered the house well, though it was twenty-two years since she’d last been to a party there – Nat’s unofficial eighteenth – a week after his birthday. His parents were away at the time. Mr and Mrs Hayward thought that now their son was eighteen and about to head off to university, they could probably risk leaving him and his big sister Kate home alone while they went to Majorca for a week.

  Kate took advantage of her parents’ absence to go and stay with her boyfriend in his caravan. Kate’s boyfriend was a ‘crusty’ called Damian who made his living by whittling woodland animals, which he sold at local craft fairs. Like Jed, he eschewed the use of all chemical products including soap. It was safe to say, Mr and Mrs Hayward were underwhelmed by their daughter’s choice of beau. But Kate loved him. She loved his caravan.

  So Nat had the house to himself.

  ‘You’ve got to have a party.’ It was Dave the chef who suggested it. Dani eagerly awaited Nat’s reaction. A party sounded like a great idea to her. It would be an opportunity to meet Nat outside the kitchen and hopefully make him see her as something more than a colleague. She was already planning her outfit in her head.

  ‘I dunno,’ said Nat. ‘I don’t think my parents would want me to.’

  ‘You got no choice,’ said Dave. ‘We’re coming over. All of us. Saturday night, after service. We’ll bring along the leftovers.’

  Though it was strictly forbidden by health and safety and all manner of other rules, Dave the chef was not above finishing what guests had left on their plates. Or in their wine bottles. Dave was legendary for decanting the nightly dregs into a plastic bottle, which he would then take home to drink over the rest of the weekend. His underlings called it the ‘Devil’s Urine’. Legend had it that if anyone except Dave tried to drink a whole glass of the stuff, they would go blind on the spot.

  On the night of Nat’s unofficial eighteenth birthday party, Dave brought along five two-litre bottles of mixed alcoholic leftovers.

  ‘I’ve been saving this for a special occasion,’ he said, as he plonked the bottles full of cloudy purplish liquid on the Hayward family’s kitchen table. ‘There’s Chateau Margaux in one of these.’

  There was no guessing which one.

  ‘Wow. Thanks, Dave,’ said Nat.

  ‘My pleasure. You can have first taste.’ He poured out a pint and dared Nat to drink it. Nat took a sip and winced.

  ‘Come on, Nat,’ said Dave. ‘You’re a man now. Show us what you’re made of.’

  Nat downed the rest of the pint in one.

  It all started to go badly wrong after that.

  After Nat had downed his pint, he dared one of his mates from school to do the same. Then another. And another. Before long, everyone was lining up to prove that they were just as hard as Nat was.

  ‘Ladies can do half a pint,’ Dave suggested.

  ‘No way,’ said Dani, when it came to her turn. ‘That’s just sexist.’

  So Dani too had a pint of her own.

  It didn’t taste as bad as she expected.

  ‘That’ll be the one with the Margaux then,’ said Dave.

  But it still didn’t taste that good.

  Everyone who dared to drink from the Devil’s Urine had to wash it down with something else. The bath upstairs was being used as a cooler for beer and alcopops. Someone – probably Dave again – mixed an enormous cocktail in a bucket, using up every single bottle in the Haywards’ drinks cabinet. There was a hint of floor cleaner too, thanks to the bucket.

  And of course, it being a teenage party, there was no food to soak up any of the alcohol, unless you counted crisps. By nine in the evening, there was vomit everywhere and Nat was conked out on the sofa. So much for Dani’s seduction fantasies.

  At the end of the party, Dani was the only one of Nat’s friends to remain. She did her best to help him get the house cleaned up but even once they’d filled ten bin-bags with empties, washed down every surface and put all of Nat’s bed linen (including the pillows) in the washing machine, the smell of vomit remained.

  And then they found the graffiti in Kate’s bedroom. Someone had drawn a gigantic penis on the wall above Kate’s headboard.

  They’d used indelible pen.

  Dani and Nat desperately painted over the offending picture. With gloss.

  ‘You are in so much trouble, little bro,’ was all Kate said, when she saw it.

  If Nat hadn’t been going off to university, he would have been grounded for a year. As it was, he promised his parents that he would get a job in Bristol and pay off the damages at a rate of ten pounds a month.

  ‘For the rest of my life,’ Nat wailed when he told Dani.

  Dave the chef, accepting for once that the calamity was largely his responsibility, arranged a whip-round from all the staff who’d attended the bash. Between them, they gathered a hundred quid – fifty of which came from the hotel management (Dave told them he was collecting for a cancer charity and made them honour their pledge to match whatever their employees had raised themselves). He handed Nat the money in a plain brown envelope.

  ‘That’s nearly a year off your sentence,’ he said.

  Now, here Dani was, back at the scene of the crime.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Nat’s sister Kate answered the door.

  The blue and green dreadlocks that had so upset her parents were long gone, replaced by a neat blonde ‘mum’ bob. Her outfit was pure Boden. All jolly patterns and A-line.

  ‘Oh my god! Dani Parker!’ she exclaimed when she saw Dani on the doorstep. ‘Nat told me you were coming. How the hell are you? You haven’t changed a bit.’

  Dani opened her mouth.

  ‘I know. You wish you could say the same for me, right?’ Kate pre-empted her. ‘What happened to the free spirit with the blue hair? A job, a marriage, two boys … that’s what happened. And you?’

  ‘A job, a daughter, no marriage.’

  ‘I think you might have the better deal,’ said Kate.

  She helped Dani carry the cake through.

  ‘It is so nice to see you. Though I have to say, I didn’t expect you of all people to stay in this dump of a town.’

  ‘Life has a funny way of working out. Who did you marry?’ Dani asked, to move the spotlight.

  ‘Damian, of course,’ said Kate, jerking her head towards a bald-headed, rather portly chap standing over by the buffet table.

  ‘That’s not …’

  ‘I’m afraid it is. The dreadlocks had to go when he got his job in marketing. Likewise the piercings. Needless to say, Mum and Dad like him much better these days. And those are my kids over there.’

  Kate indicated a pair of twins, around fifteen years old, who were absorbed in their phones.

  ‘Gandalf and Merlin,’ Kate said. ‘Though for some reason, they insist we call them by their second names. Eddie and Mike.’

  Mike like Nat’s dad, Dani observed.

  Mike was in the kitchen when Dani brought in the cake.

  ‘Dani! Nat said you were coming. Jill!’ he called for his wife. ‘Jill. Dani Parker’s here.’

  Jill Hayward came in from the sitt
ing room.

  ‘Oh Dani! How are you doing, sweetheart?’

  She kissed Dani on both cheeks, enveloping her in Miss Dior, which had always been her perfume.

  ‘Isn’t this funny? Here we all are again. I couldn’t believe it when Nat said you were at The Majestic.’

  Dani found herself a little overwhelmed by all the attention they were paying her. The first time she’d met Nat’s parents was a couple of days after the party, when Jill Hayward made it very clear that she viewed Dani as being partially responsible for her son’s fall from grace. Dani never really felt she recovered from that inauspicious beginning. Now, it was as though Dani was the prodigal daughter. Or prodigal potential-daughter-in-law, at least.

  ‘How long has it been since we last saw you properly?’ Jill asked.

  ‘Twenty-two years, I think. Since Nat’s eighteenth birthday party.’

  Jill grimaced. ‘Ah yes. The eighteenth! Well, I sincerely hope today’s party won’t end up like the last time Nat entertained.’

  ‘Gloss paint.’ Mike Hayward shook his head. ‘I never understood how that boy managed to get into university. He’s still paying us off for the damage, you know. Ten quid a month.’

  ‘I am so, so sorry,’ Dani began to apologise.

  ‘Oh don’t take any notice of Mike,’ said Jill. ‘It’s just a funny anecdote now. The sort of thing we bring up when we want to embarrass Nat in front of his future in-laws.’

  Who must be around somewhere, Dani thought.

  ‘Haven’t they turned up yet?’ Mike asked. ‘The Taylors?’

  ‘No. I expect they’ll be here in half an hour or so.’ Jill leaned in close to Dani to tell her, ‘Lola’s mother believes in making an entrance. I think that’s where Lola gets it from.’

  Dani realised then that she hadn’t yet seen Lola either. Though, of course she was going to be there. It was her special day. Before her really special day.

  ‘You must be really pleased,’ said Dani to Jill.

  ‘What about, dear?’ Jill asked.

  ‘Er, the engagement?’ Dani prompted her.

  ‘Oh that. Well, yes, I suppose we are.’

  That ‘suppose’ hung in the air like a noxious fart.

  ‘But tell me what you’re up to these days, Dani. Are you married? Have a family of your own?’