There was no doubt.
Looking at that face, he was Gina's brother.
TWENTY TWO
Gina
“He'll be happy to see you,” Anthony said.
I shrugged.
We were standing in line outside Donovan State Prison, a stone's throw from the Mexican border, waiting to be processed for visiting Leo. We'd gotten there first thing in the morning. I'd barely slept and was nearly out of coffee, feeling like I did every other time I'd visited my brother in prison.
Conflicted.
The line shuffled forward in the morning sunlight.
“I came down about a month ago,” he said. “He looked pretty good.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. He asked about you.”
“Good for him.”
He squinted at me. “Are you gonna go in here and be a bitch to him? Because if you are...”
“Have I ever done that, Anthony?” I asked frowning at him. “Have I ever gone in here and done that?”
“Well, no.”
“Exactly. No. And I'm not going to start today. But don't stand here and tell me it should be the same for me as it is for you. You know damn well it's not. So back off.”
He nodded and we took a few more steps forward. “What's Handler like?”
When I'd called him the night before to tell him I'd be going with to see Leo, I mentioned the project I was working on. Kellen. I did not tell him that we'd kissed or that I was all screwed up over it. “He's fine.”
“No, I mean is he like an ass or not?”
“Not.”
“What was the shit about him punching some guy out in Huntington Beach last weekend?”
“He was totally baited,” I said. “And trust me, he was. That's not me spinning something. He tried to walk away and couldn't. Wasn't his fault.”
Anthony nodded. “Decent guy, though?”
Kellen was more than decent. He was kind and funny and disarmingly handsome and a great goddamn kisser. He'd apologized for crossing the line with me, even though I wasn't sure I wanted him to be sorry about it. Even though I wasn't sure I wouldn't let him do it again.
“Yeah, he really is,” I said.
“You tell him about Leo?”
“I try not to tell every person I meet that our brother is in prison for murder.”
He frowned. “Not what I meant. I meant surfing.” He paused, his mouth twisting a little. “And he isn't in for murder, Gina. It wasn't intentional and you know it. No matter what you think, you know he didn't do it on purpose.”
I looked away from him. I suppose I did know that, but it wasn't always easy to remember it that way.
“Yes, I told him my idiot brothers were surfers,” I said. “And that you both sucked.”
He made a fist and punched me lightly in the arm. “Shut up.”
I smiled. It was always like this with him. We had differing opinions and feelings about Leo, but Anthony and I found a way to work it out despite those differences. It could've ripped us apart because he had immediately defended Leo's actions and that had almost destroyed me. But we'd somehow managed to maintain our relationship even as we sat on opposite sides of the fence. Not just maintain; we were probably closer because of it. And I knew that, without Anthony's prodding, I would've let Leo rot in prison. There were still days where I woke up and that was all I wanted, for him to rot and take the memories with him. But I knew it wasn't healthy and there was still a part of me that wanted to forgive Leo.
I just wasn't sure I knew how to do it.
We checked in at the window, handing over our I.D.s and signing in on the roster. The woman behind the plexiglass directed us to the waiting room, where we stood with a group of about twenty other people who were whispering and fidgeting anxiously. No one ever seemed excited to be going to prison to visit anyone. Everyone always seemed on edge, no matter how many times they might have gone there.
Two officers came into the room, reminded us of the limited contact rules and ushered us into a room that resembled a cafeteria filled with long tables and chairs. Anthony and I took the one we always did, far left side, middle of the room. There was no reason for that location. We'd just always sat that one and there was something about sticking to that routine that gave the visits a tiny sense of normalcy.
We waited while the inmates entered, one at a time, their eyes searching the room until they found a familiar face, relief settling on their own faces that someone had showed up for them.
Leo was the seventh one to enter. His orange jumpsuit was tight around his thick neck and shoulders; it looked almost too small for him. His black hair was longer than the previous year, combed back off his forehead and down behind his ears. It made him look younger. His golden tan was long gone, his skin paler and smoother then when he'd used to spend all of his waking hours in the sun. He moved slowly, scanning the room, then smiled when he saw us. Anthony held up a hand to greet him.
Anthony stood and they hugged quickly, mindful of the watchful eyes of the prison officials and the rules prohibiting prolonged contact. Anthony whispered something in his ear and Leo smiled again.
I didn't stand.
Leo smiled at me as he sat down on the chair on the other side of the table. “Hey, Gina.”
“Happy birthday, Leo.”
He nodded. “Thanks. I appreciate you coming.”
“We always come on your birthday,” Anthony said.
Leo raised an eyebrow. “Looks like you forgot the cake, though.”
“Same joke as last year,” Anthony said, shaking his head. “And it's still not funny.”
Leo chuckled. “Oldie but goodie.”
Anthony kept up the conversation, asking Leo what he'd been doing, if he was okay. He'd gotten a job in one of the offices, doing some minimal paperwork and photocopying. He was doing alright. He'd been playing a little basketball, lifting, staying in shape.
I stayed silent.
“Guess who sis is working with these days?” Anthony asked.
Leo glanced at me, raising an eyebrow. “Who?”
“Kellen Handler,” I said.
He raised the other eyebrow. “No shit?”
“None,” I said, shaking my head.
“I read he got in some trouble last weekend,” Leo said. “That why?”
I nodded. “Yeah, more or less.”
Leo nodded, approving. “That boy can ride.”
Anthony nodded. “Yes, he can.”
They lapsed into a conversation about surfing and surfers and Anthony started detailing a trip he took down to Cabo with some friends. Watching them, it was like they were back in high school, excited by the ocean and all the things they could do in it. It took me back and for a moment, we weren't sitting in the visiting area of the state prison' we were back in the living room of our house, without black memories hanging over us.
We made small talk for another half an hour, mostly between the two of them, me adding a word here or there. This was how it always went. It wasn't awkward. It was just what it had become.
And then came the next part of our routine.
“I should give you guys a minute,” Anthony said, glancing first at me, then at Leo.
Neither of us said anything.
Anthony stood and Leo did, too. They hugged quickly.
Anthony put a hand on my shoulder. “Meet you outside.”
I nodded and watched him leave the room.
I turned back to Leo.
“You look good,” he said.
“You, too.”
He shrugged. “Good as I can, I guess.”
“You do,” I said.
He nodded slowly, rubbing at his chin. “You doing alright?”
“I'm busy,” I said. “I'm working a ton. But I don't mind. It's good.”
“That's good,” he said. “But not what I meant.”
I hesitated, then nodded. “I know.”
He swallowed and looked away from me for a moment, his eyes moving around
the room before coming back and settling on me. “I'm sorry, Gina.”
“I know, Leo.”
“Do you?”
I waited, then nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Because I am, Gina,” he said, staring at me. “I was sorry the second it happened.”
“I know that. That's why you ran.”
He folded his hands together and set them on the table. “That's not what I mean.”
“It's the truth,” I said.
He started to say something, then pressed his lips together. He blinked several times, but not because his eyes were filled with tears.. “Yeah. It is. I was scared and I was stupid. I wish it had never happened. And not just because I'm in here.” He paused. “For you, too.”
It was my turn to look around the room at all of the fractured families. I always wondered who was who – who were the wives, who were the parents, who were the kids. The room had a way of turning everyone into the same person. A person who had lost a family member to crime, to the system.
I looked at Leo. “I know.”
“So if you know, why can't you forgive me?”
It was the first time he'd ever asked me that directly and it caught me off-guard. That wasn't part of our routine. I wasn't ready for that question.
“I don't know,” I finally said.
“You don't know,” he repeated, skeptical.
“No, I don't, Leo.” I was irritated and I didn't bother trying to hide it. “I don't know. It's not just as simple as you saying you're sorry. It's not like you broke my bike or lost my teddy bear. It's a bit bigger than that.”
“So, what?” he asked. “We just keep doing this forever?”
“Maybe,” I said. “I don't know. I don't have a clue. It took me six months before I could even look at you. So this whole forgiveness thing? Probably going to take me awhile.”
“Some days, I think you might stay angry with me for the rest of your life.”
“Some days, I think I might.”
He leaned forward. “Look, if he had just...”
I held up a hand. “Stop. Just stop. I'm not going to get into this with you. I'm not going to rehash it all.”
“Yeah, but if it had been someone else...”
“But it wasn't, Leo,” I said, my stomach rolling over. “It wasn't someone else. And that's never going to change and no matter how sorry you are, it won't change the fact that it wasn't just some random guy in the street that you beat the shit out of. It wasn't like all of the other times you picked a fight with a stranger just to show off what a bad ass you were. We're stuck with that and it's never going away.”
He leaned back in his chair, exhaling, tapping his fingers on the table.
“I should probably go,” I said.
He nodded. “I know.” He paused. “I am sorry, Gina. I was sorry that night, I was sorry the next day and I've been sorry ever since. I'd do anything to take it back. Anything.”
I stood, relieved that our annual dance was complete. “I know you would, Leo. Some day maybe that'll be enough for me.” I smiled at him. “Happy Birthday.”
TWENTY THREE
Kellen
“I've set up a couple of interviews for this week,” Gina said. “Nothing you need to be afraid of. Just a way to keep you in the news in a good way.”
We were having lunch at a small Mexican place about a mile from my house. She'd called me the morning after my free day and told me to meet her for lunch. I'd slept decently and gone for a short run in the morning and was more than happy to get out of the house to go meet her for lunch. Going an entire day without seeing her had ended up feeling like the longest day of my life.
“There won't be any ground rules,” she said, folding up a tortilla. “So they'll be able to ask whatever they want. Just be honest and upfront and it'll be fine.”
I nodded, pushing the plate of enchiladas away from me. “I can do that.”
“Then next week, I'm trying to hook you up with another group of kids,” she said, pointing a fork at me. “Get you out in the water again with them. Beyond all that, we'll play it by ear.”
“Sounds good to me,” I said.
“And I'll let the tour guys know we are in good shape,” she said, chewing on the tortilla. “I think the interviews later this week will help show that.”
“What about Branagan?”
She made a face. “No one's heard a peep from them.”
I smiled. “Cool.”
“And here's a question I should've asked you a long time ago,” she said. “Is there anything you'd like to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“As far as publicity or community service, is there anything you'd like to do?” she asked. “Anything that sounds interesting to you or something that might be fun for you? It doesn't always have to be things I come up with.”
“Yeah, let's do something at a bar,” I said.
She started to say something, then smiled when I started laughing. “Very funny.”
“Just making sure you're paying attention,” I said, happy that I could make her smile. I'd wanted to say something more flirtatious, something that I'd like to do to her, but I'd thought better of it and made the safer joke.
“I'm always paying attention,” she said.
“Can I think about it?” I asked. “I've never really thought about it before.”
“Of course,” she said. “Just let me know if there's anything you think of and we can see if we can make it work.”
I chewed on the straw in my soda for a moment. “And I should apologize for something.”
“I thought we were done with apologies. We did all that.”
“This is for something else.”
She pushed her plate away, like she'd just lost her appetite. “For what?”
“For poking my nose in where it doesn't belong,” I said. “About your family.”
She shifted in her chair. “What are you talking about?”
“I was...I was just asking a lot of questions about your family and it was none of my business,” I said. “I didn't know about your brother. I'm sorry.”
A pale shade of pink washed slowly over her face. She fumbled with her silverware and set the utensils on the plate. She wadded up her napkin and tossed it on top. “Do a little reading on your day off?”
“I was just curious,” I said. “You were acting kinda weird about it...”
“I was not.”
I made a face. “You cut me off about it and you were vague. I just figured I'd find out that he was a surfer or something. I was just curious.”
“It wasn't any of your business.”
“I know. Which is why I'm apologizing for asking so many questions.”
“But it didn't stop you from getting online or whatever and invading my privacy,” she snapped.
I didn't think using the Internet was an invasion of privacy, but I felt bad, regardless. Once again, I'd done something that pissed her off, crossed some invisible boundary line that I couldn't see.
“I need to go,” she said, standing, grabbing her trash and heading for the door. She barely paused long enough at the trash can to dump her tray before going through the door to the outside.
I grabbed my stuff and hustled after her.
“Hey,” I said, pushing out of the restaurant. “Hey!”
She stopped and whirled around. “It was none of your business, Kellen. None.”
“And I apologized for it,” I said. “Jesus. I was trying to apologize and you won't even let me. Just like before.”
“You should've left it alone,” she said, shaking her head. “It was none of your business.”
“I went looking to find out if he surfed or whatever, since you said they surfed,” I said, raising my voice. “That was it. I didn't know!”
“Well now you do,” she said, continuing to her car. “Congratulations.”
“Hey, what the hell is your problem?” I asked, walking toward her. “I've done everything you've aske
d of me. Everything. And I haven't given you shit about it. I've tried to be friends with you, but you haven't given me anything. You ask me a ton of questions, I answer. But I ask you and I get stonewalled. Nothing. And yeah, I get it. It's your fucking job to ask me questions. And I know I stepped over the line the other night and I really did feel pretty shitty about that. But it gets a little frustrating when I'm trying to find out who the hell it is that I'm spending all this time with and all I get is yelled at for apologizing.”
She stood next to the driver's side door and looked away from me for a minute. Finally, she opened her door and said, “Come on. I'll take you home.”
“Fuck you,” I said. I turned in the other direction and headed toward the beach. “I'll walk.”
TWENTY FOUR
Kellen
I knew she wouldn't be able to follow me in her car if I headed toward the beach.
I crossed the boardwalk, kicked off my sandals and stalked through the cool, uneven sand. I didn't know why the hell she was so upset with me. Anyone could've found the information. If Matty knew, then it was out there. She may have wanted it to be private, but it wasn't and that wasn't my fault. I'd tried to apologize but she wouldn't even let me do that.
This was what I got for starting to feel like I could trust someone again. I thought again about the night outside my house, the night I'd kissed her. She'd gotten pissed then, too, but that was understandable. I'd been out of line and I'd apologized. This? Asking her about her brother and having her accuse me of prying and sticking my nose where it didn't belong? This was ridiculous.
Screw her.
I reached my place, kicked my shoes off, ripped off my shirt, grabbed the six foot O'Neill that I always left on the patio, and headed for the water.
The waves were terrible but I didn't care. There were no swells to speak of, just small, uneven lumps of water that occasionally turned into a passable break. But I paddled fiercely into them, jamming the heel of the board into whatever resembled a wave and carving it out until it died. Then I repeated the process about fifty more times. An hour and a half later, every part of me ached and I'd lost some of my anger to the ocean. I walked slowly from the water to the sand and collapsed.
I stared up at the sky, the salt from the ocean still stinging my eyes, my chest heaving. If Jay'd been around, I would've found him, ranted and raved and waited for him to make some joke to snap me out of it. But he wasn't around anymore. And that was my fault.
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 155