Now I was alone and it was no one's fault but my own.
I pushed myself off the sand and headed back toward the ocean, not to surf but to rinse off. I grabbed the board from where I'd propped it and made my way back to the house. Rip was standing on the other side of the slider, itching to get outside. I opened it and he slipped through, rubbing past my leg before he skittered down to the sand. I set my board back on the patio and stepped inside, sliding the door shut with more force than necessary.
Even with ninety minutes tearing up the water, the anger hadn't totally left me. And suddenly, it wasn't just about Gina and her reaction to finding out that I'd done a little digging about her personal life. Everything was sitting wrong with me – the stuff I'd done and the shit I was still being asked to do. It felt like everything I'd done was for no reason. I knew that wasn't true, but that was how it felt. Her argument would be that I'd done those things for me, not for her. But I didn't care. I felt irrational and angry and just flat out pissed off.
A buzzing on the counter got my attention and I picked up my phone.
Gina's name was flashing on the screen.
I stared at the fridge. I wanted a beer so badly.
The phone vibrated in my hand.
I touched the decline button.
Screw her.
TWENTY FIVE
Gina
I slammed the phone down on the counter without leaving a message.
He wasn't answering.
And who knew what the hell he was doing?
I'd watched him storm off toward the beach, thought about going to get him, then decided I'd let him go and cool off.
And immediately wondered if that was a mistake.
I'd gone back to my hotel, tossed my keys and bag on the dresser and collapsed on top of the bed.
Kellen had caught me off guard. Again.
I hadn't been expecting questions about Leo, especially after I'd just visited him. It felt like Kellen had gone some place without my permission. And even though he was apologizing for asking the questions, the fact that he'd gone looking irked me. It wasn't any of his business and I didn't need him or any other client digging into my personal life.
I grabbed the TV remote to find a diversion to the thoughts racing through my mind. I flipped through channels mindlessly for an hour, unable to focus on anything on the screen. I finally shut it off, grabbed my phone and punched in Kellen's number. I had no idea what I was going to say to him but I couldn't stand where we'd left things.
And he hadn't answered.
I punched in the number again and it went straight to voicemail after ringing one time.
He was purposely ignoring me.
Personally, it irritated me, but maybe it was deserved. I'd flown off the handle at him and I wasn't sure that had been fair. I thought back to the night in his driveway. I'd done the same thing then. But at least then, I'd had good reason to. This time around? All he did was ask a few simple questions about my family. If I were him, I probably would've been ignoring me, too.
But professionally?
Professionally, he was my responsibility and if he was so pissed that he went off the rails, that was going to be on me. I was supposed to be supervising him and making sure he towed the line. Anything went wrong, it was going to be on me.
Shit.
The last thing I wanted to do was see him. Not the way I'd left things. But I didn't have a choice.
I tossed the phone on the bed, dug into my suitcase and changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top. I pulled my hair back in a pony tail and headed out of the hotel room door, hoping I could catch Kellen in time.
TWENTY SIX
Kellen
The banging on the door woke me up.
I stirred on the couch and peeled open my eyes. The sun was going down out the patio door and the TV was tuned to a baseball game. Rip was curled up near my feet, snoring softly, covered in sand from his little jaunt outside when I'd come in from surfing. My phone was vibrating like crazy on the kitchen table.
I wondered how long I'd been asleep.
I ignored the phone and went to see who the hell was trying to break my door down.
Gina stood there, holding a large brown paper grocery bag, scowling at me. “I was about to kick in the door.”
“What the hell are you doing here?” I practically growled.
“Making sure you don't get yourself in trouble,” she said. “Can I come in?”
I stepped aside. “Why the hell would I be getting in trouble?”
She brushed past me and I couldn't see what was in the bag. She set in on the table. “I don't know.”
“So you just assumed that because I didn't answer your call that I was gonna go get in a fight or sleep with random chicks?” I asked, shutting the door. “Maybe knock off a bank while I'm at it?”
Her face colored. “It did occur to me that you might go off half-cocked and do something stupid, yes.”
“Why?” I asked. “I'm fine.”
“Really? Then why didn't you answer your phone after you stomped off like a six-year-old?”
I walked over to her and stood so close, we were almost touching. I looked down at her. “I answer my phone when I want to talk to the person on the other end.”
She met my gaze, not giving an inch. “Exactly. You were pissed at me.”
“Well, you were a total bitch.”
“I agree. I was.”
I hesitated, not sure I heard her right. “What?”
“I was,” she said. “I was out of line. I'm sorry.”
I wasn't sure what to say to that because it was the last thing I was expecting to hear.
“But guess what?” she said, poking me in the bare chest. “You've been keeping your own secrets from me.”
“Bullshit.”
“Really? You've never said three words to me about Jay.”
Now it was time for my face to flush.
“It's the elephant in the room,” she said. “Everyone knows about it, but you won't talk about it and everyone's afraid to ask.”
I didn't say anything.
“Just like my brother,” she said. “Everyone knows about it, but I don't talk about it and everyone's afraid to ask. Except for you.”
Now it felt like she was towering over me.
“So here's my offer,” she said, her voice even. “I think we both need to come clean. We both keep all this shit bottled up inside and it's not doing either of us any good. So you wanna ask me about my brother? You ask anything you want and I'll answer. But I get to do the same with Jay. You tell me, I'll tell you.” She reached in the bag and pulled out a twelve pack of Corona. “And I figured this might help both of us.”
I finally softened, more out of surprise than anything else. “A full twelve pack? I thought you'd put my limit at one.”
“I'm giving you a one night pass,” she said. “We're inside, out of public view and we aren't going anywhere.” She pulled a bottle out of the cardboard box and handed it to me. “All yours.”
I took the bottle. “You're drinking, too?”
She reached for another bottle and clinked it against mine. “Yep. If you can handle the questions and answers.”
I grabbed a bottle opener off the fridge, opened hers first, then mine. I took a long drink and smiled at her. “Game on.”
TWENTY SEVEN
Kellen
I was already on my third beer by the time we settled on the couch. I'd clicked off the TV and opened the back door so we could hear the ocean off in the distance.
“Alright,” Gina said, taking a long drink from her bottle. “Who's going first?”
I shrugged. “I don't care.” She'd caught me a little off-guard with her proposition and I was still trying to process the whole thing.
She eyed me, curious. “Fine. I'll go first.”
“So does that mean I'm asking the questions and you're answering?”
She shook her head. “No. I'm asking, you're answering.”
I raised the bottle to my lips and downed half the beer, a nervous anxiety washing over me. “Okay.”
She pointed her bottle at me and tucked her legs beneath her. “How long were you and Jay friends?”
I swallowed another mouthful of beer. She was cutting right to the chase, which was exactly what I'd expected her to do. She didn't beat around the bush and didn't waste time, not when it came to her job and apparently not when it came to asking questions about my past.
“Since we were kids,” I said. “Maybe third grade? We went to the same school. We played everything together. Baseball, basketball, whatever. He was already surfing when we hooked up. He showed me how to take care of my board, how to wax it, how to store it.”
“And you guys were best friends right away?”
“Not right away.” I let the memories seep back in a little. Jay and I in sixth grade, scrawny, awkward little shits trying to be bigger and better than we were. “But we just gradually started hanging out more and more, you know? It was just one of those things. We liked all of the same shit. I don't think we ever had a real fight ever.” I shook my head and smiled. “And food. We both loved food.”
She smiled back at me. “What kind?”
“Anything,” I said, thinking back to all the times we'd stuffed our faces. “Mexican, hamburgers, pizza, sandwiches. You name it. We could eat anything and we'd always try to see who could eat the most. It was almost always him. And I can eat. But he was in a whole other class.”
She finished her beer and reached for another one.
“He loved breakfast,” I said. I couldn't stop talking. It was like a dam had broken. “Pancakes and massive breakfast burritos. He could eat a dozen pancakes no problem. Or, like, three burritos. It was incredible.”
She nodded, drank some more, waited for me.
I stared into my bottle. “The morning we were up at Mavericks, he ate three and a half. Egg, cheese and sausage. He was saving the last half for when we were done. No idea why I remember that.”
That was a lie. I knew exactly why I'd remembered. Because he'd never gotten to finish it. Because the burrito had been waiting in the car. And Jay had never come back.
“Had you been up there before?”
I shook my head. “No. I'd always wanted to give it a shot. Jay wasn't interested in big waves, though. He'd passed on a couple of trips out to Cortes Bank.”
“What's that?”
“A place off San Diego where there's this crazy break out in the middle of the ocean,” I said. “Forty foot waves are the norm.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. So he always passed on those,” I explained. “But I'd been pushing to go to Mavericks for maybe four years? And he kept putting me off. I told him I wouldn't go without him. And I finally got him to go.”
She ran her finger along the rim of her bottle. “Why'd he finally give in?”
I thought for a moment. “I think he just got tired of me asking. He knew I was going to keep getting on him about it. And I was doing a promo thing up in Santa Cruz so the timing was right. I made him come with and he finally said okay.”
She leaned to the side against the back of the couch, laying her head on the cushions. She didn't say anything; it was almost as if she knew that if she did, I might stop.
“Weather was decent,” I said slowly. Even though I was sitting in my house with Gina next to me, in my mind I was there. Up the coast, pulling on my wet suit, making my way down the cliff with Jay close behind. “Overcast, but not really cold. Wind wasn't bad, which was good for our first time there. The winds can be brutal and change everything in a heartbeat. I think he was actually relieved that the winds were calm.” I smiled, remembering the conversation. “He was actually more worried about me.”
“Why?”
“I'm not as strong of a swimmer as he was,” I said. There were so many times he'd given me a hard time about being a weaker swimmer. So many times I'd given him the finger, telling him he was full of crap, but knowing he was right. “And I'm good. But I was never as good as he was. That guy could outswim a seal. ”
I shifted on the sofa. I wasn't as good as Jay. Not as good at swimming and not as good at surfing. And I definitely wasn't as good of a human being.
“We managed to make it out there without too much trouble,” I told her, trying to get comfortable on the couch. But I was failing. Not because the couch was stiff or lumpy but because nothing was going to make me feel comfortable at that moment. It was like I was sitting on a bed of nails, each one of them piercing my flesh, the pain was so acute. “We made it out past the break and waited. He actually caught a wave first. No problems. Went right down the face, wave held and he exited easily. Moved out toward the rocks so he could paddle out again.”
I stared at the beer for a moment, then downed the rest of it before I continued.
“I caught my first,” I said. “It wasn't as good as his. Didn't have the same shape but it was still pretty big. Maybe twenty-five, thirty feet. Like being shot out of a cannon going down the face. It was incredible.” I paused, remembering. “It closed out on me a little quick, but I felt it coming and got out in time without getting tossed.” I looked at her, a bitter smile on my face. “We weren't virgins anymore.”
Gina returned the smile and there was sympathy and warmth in hers. I drank it in. She made me want to keep talking, made me want to finally purge everything that had been bottled up inside of me for the past six months.
“So I paddled back out to the lineup,” I said. “And it wasn't huge. Maybe a dozen guys? It wasn't a record size day and the hard core guys wait for those. So it wasn't crowded or anything. We waited. Me and Jay. We were laughing. All the anxiety was gone. Then his slot came up.” I paused. “And he said 'This is awesome, dude. I'm glad we're here.'”
She watched me while I struggled to find the words to say it, to say what happened next. Because she knew and I knew.
“Then the wave picked him up and he was off.”
I reached over and set the empty bottle on the coffee table and grabbed a full one. But I didn't pick up the bottle opener. I just held the bottle for a minute, twisting it slowly in my hands.
“Wave closed out a little early,” I said, my voice barely a whisper. “No big deal. It wasn't a crusher. But it closed out. And then I was up. Got on my wave and took it in. And I'm looking out in front of me, looking for him paddling parallel to the shore, to get out to where you can get around the swells. And he's not there.”
I spun the bottle some more, my throat constricting, my gut knotted. “And I just know. You know? I just know. I bail out of the wave. I'm looking around frantically. I can see the people up on the cliffs pointing at different areas. I can tell they're freaked out, too. I can hear people yelling, but it's hard to hear over the water. Couple of the other guys that were out there came in. We were all looking.” I swallowed. “And you just know. It's been too long. Ten minutes. So you just know.” I paused. “Then a couple of people on the cliff start pointing at the rocks. The Boneyard. Like, jumping up and down and pointing.” I flicked my finger against the bottle, the clinking sound echoing in the quiet living room. “He was face down. Leash was still on him, but no board. We never found it. We got him to shore, but...you just know.” I took a deep breath. “And Jay was gone. Just like that. Gone.”
I stared at the bottle in my hands a long time, my eyes watering over, blurring the logo on the glass. I felt her move on the couch, the cushions shifting beneath me. Then she was next to me, her arms around my neck, hugging me.
“I'm sorry,” she whispered.
I tried to answer, but couldn't find the words.
Instead, I just cried.
TWENTY EIGHT
Gina
Kellen excused himself, wiping at his eyes as he headed toward the bathroom. I watched him go, my own eyes wet with tears.
I picked up the bottle I'd been holding and brought it to my lips. I knew what it felt like to lose someone. I knew wha
t it felt like to feel responsible, to feel like it was somehow your fault, to feel the regret and the remorse, to desperately want to go back and turn back the hands of time. And I knew how devastating it could be, knowing you couldn't.
My situation was different but I'd still lost someone. Someone I loved. I swallowed back the tears and lifted the bottle again, draining it before reaching for a third one. I'd just cracked it open and swallowed a mouthful when Kellen reappeared. He stood in the hallway, his eyes rimmed red, his chest still heaving a little.
“Hey,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I need a little air.”
“What?” I sat up. “What do you mean?”
He jerked his head toward the sliding door. “Just gonna go out to the beach for a minute.”
“Okay.”
He stared at me for a second, his arms hanging loosely by his side. “You...do you wanna come with?”
And I knew. I knew he didn't want to be alone. I knew he needed me. And I wanted to help, to be there for him, to do whatever he needed to do to get through the pain. Because I'd been there. That had been me three years ago. Heartbroken. Alone. And the people I would have turned to – the people who should have been there to comfort me, to help me through – were the ones I held responsible.
“Yeah,” I said, standing up. I polished off the beer. “I do.”
We stepped outside on to the deck and I stumbled a little. The beers had gone straight to my head and I tried to remember how many I'd had. Two? Three? I'd never been much of a drinker and even though I'd planned on finishing the whole case with Kellen, I hadn't realized how quickly it was going to affect me.
The sand felt cool and wet, as did the salty breeze. I shivered and wrapped my arms around me as we made our way to the shoreline. There was no moon tonight, tucked away behind a thick blanket of clouds.
Kellen walked all the way to the water's edge and the waves lapped at his bare feet. He was shirtless but he didn't shiver, didn't rub his arms like I was doing. He just stood there, his eyes locked on the horizon, as if he was searching for Jay, hoping he'd just walk out of the ocean, board in hand.
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 156