Dean put his hand out. "Let me help you."
He clutched me gently around the waist and helped me out of the doorway. Then, instead of giving me the crutches, he dropped them and picked me up, cradling me in his arms.
"What are you doing?" I laughed.
"I know how much you hate those things." He winked.
I snuggled my head in his chest, ignoring the fact that my parents were watching. Dean had grown on them, so it wasn't as awkward as it used to be. I smiled as I imagined him carrying me across the threshold after our wedding. It would be just like this, only minus the injury hopefully. My parents left to pick up dinner, so Dean carefully laid me on the couch and took advantage of the moment alone for the first time in weeks. He situated himself on top of me, putting my bad leg off to the side and shimmying between my legs.
"And what do you think you are doing?" I smiled playfully as he started nibbling on my neck.
"I think it's pretty obvious."
I exposed my neck further for him. It had been awhile, and the affection was more than welcomed. Plus, I was high as a kite on pain meds. Life was good. We made out innocently until my parents came back with food. My parents let him stay the night to help me, so after he tucked me in bed, he lay down next to me and wrapped his arm protectively around me.
"You scared me, Len," he confessed.
"I'm sorry." I didn't realize the impact the accident had on him until now.
"Seeing you like that..." He trailed off as he choked back tears and hid his head in the crook of my arm.
I petted his hair softly.
"Was it that bad?"
He looked up at me. "Yeah, it was that bad, but more than that, it was the thought of losing you that rendered me helpless. I love you, Len, and one day I plan on marrying you, so don't put me through that again," he demanded.
"I won't," I promised. He kissed me gently.
"I'll be down the hall. Just yell if you need anything," he said as he tucked me back in.
As he walked away I called after him, "I love you, too, Dean."
"I know." He winked as he left the door slightly cracked.
I would never stop asking myself how I had been so lucky to have someone like him in my life.
Chapter Six
Present
Thinking about the car crash again after so long made me despondent and brought up many angry feelings that I had worked for years to let go. Kylie and I had never been the same. We tried, but it was troublesome and forced. This weekend was different, though. We had truly bonded again. Unfortunately, the circumstance surrounding our renewed friendship was clouded by the possible destruction of my marriage. I was still contemplating calling my parents to pick up the kids, but I thought instead I would bring them to the fire station to visit Dean. We hadn't been there in a long time, so it might be a nice surprise for them. They loved playing handball on the professional handball court even more than sliding down the pole. Picturing the kids throwing the balls against the walls with their daddy made me smile.
I checked the time on my phone. It was almost time to pick up the kids. I threw on some presentable clothes, pulled my hair back into a ponytail, and brushed on some mascara. Good enough. It's funny how I used to care what I looked like when I went to the station. All the wives and girlfriends were so damn pretty. It intimidated the hell out of me. I was one of the older ones. I might not look it, but I knew I was and that was all the mattered.
The text message tone filled the quiet bathroom. It was Dean. Finally.
Dean: Sorry. Busy day. Back at the station now. Are you ok?
Me: Just having a rough day. I was thinking of bringing the kids after school.
Dean: I'd love that.
Me: Ok. See you soon.
Dean: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
Saying I love you became a routine. It had once meant something to say those words, but now it was just expected. Another text came through. It was Kylie.
Kylie: Just checking in.
Me: Hi. I'm surviving.
Kylie: Call me if you need to talk.
Me: I will. Thanks.
I couldn't believe it took so long for us to truly mend the bond between us. It was sad really. All those years wasted. Gone. We could never regain the lost time, but I also could never erase that day from my memory as much as I wanted to.
Nothing felt real today. I almost felt like I was trapped inside a dark cloud. Everything was hazy. I was on my way to pick up the kids. I had my music on shuffle and just trusted the monotonous autopilot my life ran on would get me there. It was funny how when you were going through something that you could relate to so many different songs. It was comforting knowing that whoever wrote them went through the same things. That I wasn't alone. That maybe I wasn't wrong for feeling like this. Wrong for this weekend.
I picked up my son first. He was in public school, so I had to be there at a certain time. My daughter was still in preschool, so it didn't matter as much. I pulled into the carpool line and let my mind drift off with the music as I waited for the bell to ring. Flashes of the weekend penetrated my thoughts. I tried to cage them in a small part of my heart, but it was impossible. Something that intense couldn't be hidden or locked away. It would torture me for the rest of my days. I closed my eyes and let the weekend memories wash through me like a tidal wave of emotions.
****
Weekend
When I saw him at the bar, I tried to walk away, but I couldn't. I had been waiting for this moment for so long and here it was. It was happening. I would regret it if I just walked away now. I needed to know why he did what he did to me so many years ago, condemning me to a life filled with empty love and what-ifs. I had let go of everything so long ago, but it left me emotionless and depressed. He could free me of my darkness if I only could understand why, so I didn't retreat. Instead, I walked straight up to the bar, brushing past him like I didn't notice him and ordered a drink.
"Lennox?" he asked smoothly.
His voice still melted my heart. I was afraid to make eye contact. His eyes always had a way of sucking me in and not letting me go. My heart was pounding, and my breath was uneven. I didn't trust myself to be able to speak coolly. This was nuts! I was a grown adult. I wasn't that kid anymore. The one who crumbled after he disappeared from my life. Or was I? I took a deep breath and faced him.
"Braedyn? Wow, it's been forever. What are you doing here?" Thank God the words came out normal. No sign of stress, or should I say distress?
"Guy's trip. And you?"
"Kylie's bachelorette party. You remember Ky, right?"
"How can I forget her? She was quite the spitfire."
"That's one way to describe her." The bartender handed me my drink, so I took a few large gulps. I needed to calm my nerves.
"I never thought that one would settle down," he added.
"No one did." What the fuck? Were we really having small talk? And why was he able to elicit those feelings in me again after all these years and after what he did? I loathed him for it. I wanted to feel this way about Dean, not him. It wasn't fair. I could feel the anger and pain build up in me. I couldn't even speak anymore without giving away the emotions boiling just below the surface, so I just walked away without saying a word. I could feel him watching me, but I just kept walking. I walked out to the back of the hotel into the night away from everyone. Away from the party, the noise, the emotion. I finished my drink in one healthy gulp and put the glass down on a planter edge. I wasn't a big drinker, and I barely ate today, so the drink had made me slightly tipsy. I passed the pool and found the garden path to a beautiful water fountain. It was lit up softly, and the sound of the water cascading over the tiers was calming.
I should have confronted him, but I didn't have the courage. I didn't want him to see how bad he hurt me. How he ruined me for Dean. For my children. I hated him so much, yet I still loved him. I knew in the end I belonged with Dean, and I had two beautiful and amazing children to t
hank him for, but my soul still longed for Braedyn. He was the missing piece of me. A part that had never been replaced. Instead, the void had expanded with each faded memory of him, and it took pieces of me with it.
I sat on a bench opposite the fountain and cried. Everything I had been holding in over the years came pouring out. My heart was breaking all over again. I tried to hold back some of the pain, but I couldn't. It just ran too deep. I curled my knees to my chest and let the release come fast and hard. I had trouble breathing between sobs. My head was starting to ache from the intense wear on my body, so I tried to calm myself down with the breathing techniques my therapist had taught me. The tears finally slowed enough where I could wipe them away with the sleeve of my sweater. All I could do was stare at the water, my mind in a fog and my heart torn. I felt beyond exhausted. This was only the first night of what turned out to be a very long weekend. Even worse, I hoped he would have come after me. The fact that he didn't almost hurt even more.
I stayed at the fountain for a while. I tried to get up a few times, but I couldn't. I just didn't have the strength or drive to do anything. I heard footsteps and looked over to see Kylie standing in the pathway. I couldn't help but start crying again when I saw her. She rushed over without saying a word and took me in her arms. I snuggled into her shoulder and sobbed quietly as she caressed my head and shushed me like a newborn that was having a tantrum. As I calmed down, she took it as a cue to talk.
"What's going on, Len?" she whispered into my ear like I was a fragile porcelain doll about to break.
"Braedyn's here."
"Are you okay? Did you talk to him?"
I pulled myself off of her and wiped more tears away. I expected her to be more shocked. "Yeah, but small talk, like nothing happened. I couldn't keep up the façade, so I just walked away and came out here."
"He didn't come after you? What a jerk!"
"I wanted him to. I still want him to, but is that right, Ky? I'm married, and I have two kids. I shouldn't be thinking these things. I shouldn't want him to tell me he never stopped thinking about me and that he always loved me. I shouldn't, right? It's wrong."
"Len, that has always been your biggest fault. You have always tried to live the way you think society wants you to live rather than the way you feel you should live. Yes, you're married and you have kids, but you can't deny the universe. There's a reason he came back into your life. Everything happens for a reason. Regret and guilt are useless and empty emotions that do nothing for the heart or soul. If you could control the way you felt, I have no doubt, being the person you are, that you would, but we weren't created that way. We feel for a reason, and you can't change that."
"Jesus, Ky, when did you become such a fucking philosopher?"
"Lots and lots of mistakes and wrong turns in the path that led me here."
"And for me lots of fear and many right turns that led me to this moment. Regret, pain, and heartbreak."
"You have to talk to him, Lennox. You know that, right? You can't let this opportunity be another moment of regret. You have to find out what happened."
She took my hand and squeezed it. "I know. I'm just scared that he's going to say it was all in my head and that there was nothing more than friendship. That I was just a crazy dreamer."
"What do you want, Lennox?"
"The fairy tale. I want the fairy tale."
"Then go get it. Whether it's with Braedyn or Dean, you owe it to yourself to find your happy ending. You deserve it, Len. You haven't been living. You've been surviving. Barely. And that's no way to be. This is your chance to start a new beginning. To live life for once. To feel it again. To be alive."
She was right.
"Why don't you go to bed and decide when you have a clear head in the morning?"
"You really think I'm going to wake up refreshed and clear-headed?" I asked sarcastically.
"Well, I can hope for your sake, right?"
"Thanks, Kylie. For everything."
"Come on. Let's get you to bed." She put her arms around me protectively and took me around the garden the opposite way we came to get to my patio room. I was in no shape to be seen by anyone, especially not Braedyn.
****
Present
A loud knock on the car window made me jump out of my sleepy state in hell. It was my son knocking. I looked around the school and saw crowds of parents and kids walking around. I couldn't believe I didn't hear the bell ring. I unlocked the door for him to climb in.
"Hey, sweetie. Did you have a good day?"
"Yeah. Why are you crying, Mommy?"
I looked in the rearview and saw that my face was wet and my eyes were bloodshot. I hadn't even noticed I was crying. I wiped them away quickly. "Oh, honey, I wasn't crying. It's just allergies. I can't stop sneezing today." He seemed to accept my answer because he quietly buckled himself into his car seat. "I have a surprise for you guys today."
"What is it?" he asked enthusiastically.
"I thought it would be fun to visit Daddy at the fire station."
"Yes, yes, yes!" he shouted.
"I take it you like the surprise then?"
"Yes, I love playing handball."
This kid cracked me up. With all the cool things at the fire station, I knew that was what he would say. "Let's go get your sister then, shall we?"
"We shall."
That had me laughing uncontrollably. To hear a seven-year- old say that phrase and use it correctly was too much. Plus, my emotions were so out of whack that I was feeling everything on extreme levels today. He joined in laughing as we drove to pick up his sister.
Chapter Seven
College Years
So many things had happened over the years with Dean. We had a lot of highs, but some lows, as well. I think we both realized we had met too young, but we were both conflicted because we loved each other and both felt we were meant to be together forever. Not having Kylie had put an even greater stress on our relationship because I didn't have anyone to vent to, so I took it out on Dean. But, again, we were also so young, and the new relationship butterflies had passed, and we were moving into adult territory. College.
It was the weekend before classes officially began at the junior college. Kylie and I had started talking again recently after running into each other at a coffee shop, so I invited her to come along with Dean and me to one of his shows. Dean was the lead singer in an underground punk band and spent most of the summer touring, so I didn't see much of him. In fact, we didn't talk much either. They were playing about an hour away just outside of Los Angeles, and I wanted to go and support him.
"How long have you guys been together now?" she asked while she applied her black eyeliner.
"Four years. You know we aren't going to see a Goth band." She stuck out her tongue at me in the mirror.
"That's a long time. You think he was faithful this summer?"
"Ewww. What kind of a question is that?"
"Look, Lennox. You said things haven't been that great between you guys, so it's a valid question."
I turned away and stared out my window. She was right. Things hadn't been right for a while now. We had grown distant, and the summer had proven our lack of interest. It wasn't that I didn't love Dean, because I did, but I just wasn't sure if I was still in love with him. Things had been fizzling out between us over the past year, and I found myself wondering numerous times what it would be like if we broke up. I hated those thoughts, but was it fair to ignore them? In the end, I would never be the one to leave the relationship without a good reason because I was too afraid. I liked the stability and security being with him gave me. I always had someone to rely on during the different stages of life, including moving out of my parents' house.
"When are you done at the JC?"
"This semester. I just needed to finish up a few credits to transfer."
"I can't believe you're really doing it. Are you sure this is what you really want?"
I hated answering questions about Dean
and she knew it, but she was trying to fall back into being my best friend, so who better to talk to? Only I had been closing myself off to everyone over the years, especially to her after the accident, so I didn't tell her a lot these days. "I can't afford a place on my own, Kylie, and since you have no desire to move out yet, I don't really have much of a choice."
"Wow, that was a convincing argument," she said sarcastically.
"I love Dean, and this is the next natural step. He needs to move out for the fire department too, so it's a good time for both of us."
"You sound so in love," she said in the same cynical tone.
"Are you done with the sarcasm? I could use your support on this."
"I will always support you, Len. You know that, but I am just not sold on you two. I know time has bonded you guys, but that's not always enough. If you really love him, then I will be your biggest supporter. I will be your maid of honor and hold your wedding dress so you don't trip in the aisle and make a fool of yourself. I'll make the best toast you have ever heard, and I won't sleep with the groom, but I can't guarantee the groomsmen. I will be there for everything, but you have to convince me that he's really the one for you. I have to see it, Lennox, and I just don't anymore."
The thing I loved most about Kylie I hated about her right now. Her blatant honesty. It was hard to argue with her, though. How could I convince someone else that I loved Dean if I wasn't even sure myself? "Can we change the subject?"
"Sure, hon."
She turned back to the mirror and finished applying her makeup, which she didn't even need. I was feeling more jealous of her natural beauty by the day. It was mean, but I wanted some attention from guys, too. When she was around, I didn't exist. It was wrong to feel this way because I had someone, but the what-ifs trapped me into a world of insecurities that I wasn't good enough for anyone else to notice me, besides Dean. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted to feel special and pretty again. I just didn't feel that way with Dean anymore. We had become an old married couple already.
"Hey, Lenny?" she asked hesitantly.
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