Random thoughts shot through my mind like a blazing comet across a star-filled sky. Who would I live with when I transferred? Would I know anyone? Was I going to be alone forever? Would this hurt forever? Where was Braedyn? Why wasn't he answering? Was he with a girl? Did he even think of me in that way? Who was this girl Sarah? Was it a one night thing?
The questions were driving me mad! I pulled on my hair in hysterics to get the words to stop filling my head. Was I going crazy? Who would save me if I were? I threw my head into my knees and cried. I cried for a lost future, a broken heart, and most of all, for my sanity.
****
Present
The kids slammed up against the window and knocked loudly to get my attention. I smiled as they made disgusting funny faces on the window. Dean was shooing them away and quickly wiped the glass clean with his sleeve. That made me laugh. He was OCD about cleanliness ever since he joined the department. He didn't used to be like that. The department changed him. It changed us. He lost the carefree nature I so truly admired about him and at times hated him for. He was always the life of the party and everyone's best friend. I was the quiet one that most pegged as a bitch. I wasn't a bitch. I was unhappy. I was confused. I was sad, but what I was NOT was a bitch. I would do anything for anyone. I cared more than most people, and therefore, was hurt more easily than most.
Dean opened the heavy glass door, and the kids poured out and smothered me with hugs.
"Did you see us, Mommy?" Drew asked.
"I sure did, sweetie," I said with a genuine happiness.
"Mommy, why don't we come here anymore?" he asked.
Dean jumped in. "Yeah, Mommy, why don't you come here anymore?" he asked playfully.
I shot him a not so playful glare. He knew why we didn't come anymore. "Let's go look at the engines," I said to railroad a potential fight.
Dean scooted them out of the gym area. "Come on. Let's go shoot the water hose," he spat out like a little kid.
The kids squealed with excitement as they ran out in the parking lot where the hose set up was located. Dean waited for me and put his arm around my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't. I just feel guilty for not bringing them out here more. We're always so busy with Drew's sports and Lexus' dance classes."
"I know, babe. You do a lot. I just miss you guys when I'm at work."
"I know." I went on my toes and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. I lingered there more than normal for us these days. He pressed his hands into my back to keep me there longer. He plunged his tongue into my mouth. I accepted his invitation and reciprocated back passionately. This was something neither of us had done in years. It was sad, really. I had forgotten how much passion was still between us.
"DAD! Come on!" Drew yelled.
We separated quickly. He smiled at me and stroked my cheek.
"I've missed that."
"Me too."
He snuck a quick peck and raced over to the kids. I watched adoringly as they took turns holding the hose with Daddy. One would squirt it high into the air while the other ran through the rainbow-shaped stream. It was heart-warming watching the simple innocence that life afforded us at times when reality was held at bay. I wanted to live in this moment forever. In a blind bliss.
Chapter Ten
College Years
Blissful moments came and went like waves crashing to the shore and being sucked back out by the ocean current. Blissful moments with Dean disappeared that night. The night I realized he wasn't who I thought he was. Sarah wrote me back and crushed the vision I had of my future. It might have been flawed, but it was secure, and that's what I needed. Stability for my unstable mind.
Dean had cheated on me on tour, but not only did he cheat on me, but he also had hidden a relationship with Sarah for almost six months. She wasn't local, but they had maintained a connection through email and phone calls. I was devastated. So much so that I holed up in my room for several days after, avoiding Dean's many attempts at reaching out to me. I hadn't told him about talking to Sarah. She said he had emailed her after she received my email and confessed that he was in a relationship and to keep it quiet and that they could continue to see each other anyway. He was going to keep seeing her even after my suspicions.
This was not the Dean I had fallen in love with. I didn't know who this was, but what I did know was that I would never be able to fully trust him ever again. I needed space and time for clarity. Until then, I would avoid him. I needed to do the right thing. My mind was already fragile, and this state of living was only making it worse. I needed to make a change.
I sat on my bed and stared out the window at the bright moon and the faded stars surrounding it as I had done every night since the last time I saw Dean. I now knew what I needed to do, but I was scared. I was scared to say goodbye to almost five years of my life. I hadn't attempted to call Braedyn since that night nor did he try to call me. It was weird since we talked practically every day. Did he know about Dean? Did Dean call him, or did he know the whole time?
I grabbed the phone off the cradle and dialed his number.
After a couple of rings, Braedyn picked up. "Hello?"
"Hi," I said softly.
"Hey, I haven't heard from you this week."
"Yeah, well, it goes both ways, you know?" I snapped at him unintentionally.
"What's going on, Len?" he asked sincerely.
Tears welled up in my eyes. "Did you know Dean was cheating on me?" There. I did it. I asked him. His silence was deafening.
"No, I didn't," he said in shock. "Are you okay?"
"Not really." I broke down.
It took me a few minutes to regain composure enough to tell him what had happened. He stayed silent. He only offered an ear to listen and no advice as to what I should do. He was friends with both of us, so he was trying to stay neutral. It was understandable, but frustrating. I wanted him to be the one to stand up and fight for me. I wanted someone to because now I had no one, but he didn't.
After I hung up with him, I finally had the strength to confront Dean. I called him and told him to come over. I was shaking from the moment I dialed his number until the second he knocked on the front door. This was the defining moment for my future. Everything was an unknown now. I could picture a big question mark hanging over my head like a text bubble in the comics.
Dean knew something was up when I went out on the front porch rather than letting him inside the house. It was late, and my parents were sleeping. We sat on the steps out front. I played with the sleeves of my long-sleeved sweatshirt as I thought of a way to start the conversation.
"What's up, Len?"
I tried to be strong, but I couldn't. I wanted to be angry instead of sad. I wanted to hate him for doing this to me, but to be honest, things had been over between us a long time ago, even before I met Braedyn. I knew it, but wasn't strong enough to be the one to walk away. Not without a good reason, at least.
This was my way out. Only now that I had an escape I wanted to stay in my cage, slam the door closed, and lock it. If a caged bird lives in solitude long enough only to be let loose, it might fly, but may never truly be free.
I would never trust again. It was a burden I would carry with me for the rest of my life. All because I laid my whole life in the hands of one person only for him to betray me. It wasn't that he cheated on me. That I could deal with. It was the lie that lasted over six months. A secret life he left well hidden in the darkness of our flawed relationship, and I didn't have a clue.
He tried to comfort my tears of sadness, but I pushed him away. "Don't," I said softly, but bitterly. "I know, Dean. I know about Sarah, so you can stop lying now."
"What about her? She's a friend I met on tour."
Was he really going to sit here and lie to me still? Now, I was getting mad. I could feel my cheeks heat up. "Are you fucking kidding me, Dean? Just do me a favor and stop lying to me. I think I de
serve that much after giving you almost five years of my life."
He stood up and walked a few feet away, keeping his back to me. I could hear him sniffling.
"You don't get to cry here, Dean. You don't get to be the victim!" I stood up. He turned and faced me. His face was wet with tears. It broke my heart and pissed me off at the same time.
"You think I wanted this, Len? All I ever wanted was you. All of you. Not just the working parts. I wanted the broken parts, too. I waited for it, Len. I waited for the moment you would be mine, but it never came. The years passed, and instead of growing closer, we grew further apart."
"You can't fix me, Dean. You can't change who I am. You knew I was broken when we met, and you chose to stay with me. To make me believe you loved all of me. That I was enough."
"I thought it was, but then I went on tour and met Sarah."
I didn't know how to respond. I couldn't blame him or his heart for straying. It wasn't just his fault. In long relationships, fault was rarely one-sided. I let the walls build after the miscarriage and never stopped their exponential growth.
"I should've told you, Len. I should have talked to you about how I felt. I want to fix this. I want to fix us."
A part of me crumbled and wanted to succumb to his offer of a relationship rebirth, but then I thought about Braedyn and how I wasn't the only one questioning things. "I can't," was all I could say. "I'm sorry, Dean. Goodbye." I focused on the ground as I turned away and walked into the house. I caught his look of mild disbelief as I shut the door quietly. I wasn't mad. I was lost.
****
Present
Thank God it was hot outside because I didn't bring a change of clothes for my now soaking wet children. They ran around the steaming asphalt like wild hyenas as they chased Dean. They were trying to tackle-hug him to get him wet. I got sick pleasure out of watching him stress out about his work clothes getting wet. Another fireman, Turner, who was like an uncle to them, came out and played a game of tag with the kids, so Dean and I could spend a few minutes together. He came and sat down on the picnic table next to me.
"We haven't talked since you got back. Did you have a good time?"
I felt that pang of guilt stab my rib cage trying to force its way through to my heart. "It was nice seeing Kylie again. She hasn't changed much. I mean she has, but she still looks the same."
"I'm still shocked she is finally settling down."
"Yeah, me too."
"How did the kids do at your parents?" he asked.
"You didn't check in on them at all?"
"We have been so busy. Every time I had a free second we would get another call," he said.
"They were pretty good." I watched the kids chase Turner around. "I hope they dry before we go home."
"Your text worried me." He gripped my hand and caressed it lovingly.
"I'm sorry. The weekend put me out of my element a little. I figured this would help."
"Did something happen between you and Kylie?"
"No, we're fine. It was fine. She seems happy."
A silence engulfed us as we watched the kids play together.
"Are we okay, Len?" he asked quietly.
I tried so hard to hold in the suffocating sadness that clouded my world. "I want us to be," I said barely audible to even myself, but he heard and grabbed my chin like he used to do when we were younger. He forced me to look him in the eyes. Staring back at me was the Dean of my past before the walls were built and doubt and indecision festered inside. The Dean I made love to on the beach. The Dean that would do anything for me no matter what. The Dean I knew before he cheated on me. He caressed my cheek gently with his thumb and kissed me softly.
"I love you, Len. Forever," he said as he pulled away.
"I love you, too, Dean." I kissed him back passionately with force as if my life depended on this one kiss. As if our marriage depended on it. An alarm blared over the loud speakers and an automated voiced started spitting out information about a fire.
"Of course," he muttered. "Never fails. Sorry, babe. We all have to go on this one." He jumped up. All the firemen stormed out of the firehouse into the garage and started suiting up.
"Hey, guys! Daddy has to go!" he yelled to the kids.
They ran into his arms and gave him a big hug. He kissed them both.
"Be good for Mommy. Love you, guys. I'll be home tomorrow."
He jumped up and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as he raced to the truck. I hated when he was working the truck. It was the most dangerous of all the apparatuses. We watched as he got in his turnouts and drove off. We waved until they were out of sight.
"Are we going to wait for him to get back?" Drew asked.
"Not this time, honey. Fires usually take a while. He'll be home tomorrow. Let's get you kiddos home into dry clothes." I scooted them to the car. I closed the door as they buckled up. I couldn't help but be sad, but I was also hopeful. I saw a glimpse into the past that helped me see a better future. Something I needed after this weekend.
****
CollegeYears
The shock of the break up didn't hit me right away. I think I was going through the five stages of grief. I was still in step one, denial and isolation. Well, maybe I was past the denial part, but I was still isolating myself from everyone and everything. I was lucky it was spring break next week because I had all but checked out of my classes. I couldn't concentrate. I was in a fog. I skipped most of my classes after the break up. I needed to get away. I needed to snap out of this. I called Braedyn because we hadn't talked much. He picked up right away.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's Lennox."
"Hey, how are you doing?" he asked carefully.
"Surviving."
"That's all you can do right now. It'll get better."
I was so nervous to ask him my next question. My heart came alive for the first time in weeks. "I was thinking about coming to visit over spring break anyway. Even without Dean."
There was dead silence. What little hope that jumpstarted my heart was fading fast. "I mean, if you want me to, that is."
"Yeah, that would be cool."
Mixed messages. I couldn't tell if he wanted me to visit or not. We had been doing this friendship thing for so long, and now that Dean and I were no longer together, I needed to see if there was something more between us. I couldn't handle not knowing. Even if he didn't see me like that, I needed to know. I needed to move on, from all of this.
"Okay, I'll book a flight. Can you pick me up from the airport?"
"Of course, just let me know when."
"Okay. Thanks, Braedyn."
"Any time. Bye."
"Bye."
I held the phone to my ear even after he hung up. I was confused and scared. My heart was already so fragile, so why was I going to put myself through this so quickly after the break up? What was I thinking? Because I still had hope that love existed. I still had hope that I wasn't crazy for following my heart rather than my head. Following my feelings instead of rational thinking. I still had hope for me.
I hung up the phone slowly and took a deep breath as I digested next week. I was excited and nauseous, and I just wanted this to be over. I was sick of feeling. I was emotionally exhausted. I couldn't feel like this anymore. So either way Braedyn would save me, only one way would renew my faith in life and the other would push me to shut down and just survive. Either way I needed to move on. I was ready.
Chapter Eleven
Present
When I got home, I fed the kids dinner and went through our usual bedtime routine of taking baths, brushing teeth, and reading books. Once Drew was old enough, we started saying a prayer every night Dean was gone. We weren't a very religious family, but we had faith and saying the little prayer did seem to help the kids cope with their dad being gone at night. It was such a strange life for them. They didn't know any better when they were younger, but now that they had friends whose dads came home for dinner and tucked them in every night, it
added a layer of complexity to our life. I never really thought about how it might affect them not having him here every night, so when Drew started asking questions, I searched the internet for a poem or something we could recite before bed. I came across so many, but none really fit until I found this particular one.
"Hey, guys, let's say our little daddy prayer and climb into bed." I sat on Drew's bed, and Lexus climbed in my lap. We had painted the prayer on Drew's wall. He had requested a firefighter room, so we went with a vintage feel. The prayer on the wall was a perfect fit to his theme, and I think it gave him that much more comfort. Lexus was still too young to grasp the full context of our lives. Out of habit, Drew looked up the wall at the prayer. He had it memorized, so it made me smile that he still took comfort that the words were above him when he slept.
"Lord, protect our firefighters. Keep them safe each day and night. Give them courage and strength on each rescue and fire they fight."
Lexus snuggled into my chest, already half asleep. "Do you want to read a book?"
"No, I'm too tired," he responded dramatically as he threw himself onto his pillow.
"Well, I guess you better go to sleep then," I teased with a wink. I scooted off his bed with Lexus cradled in my arms.
"Mommy, will you come back and snuggle with me after you put Lexus to bed?"
"Of course, sweetie. I'll be back in a few minutes. Don't fall asleep."
"I won't," he said.
I carried Lexus to her room and tucked her in. She turned over and was asleep instantly. I turned off all the lights and left the door ajar. It had only been a couple of minutes, but Drew was already sound asleep. Dean really wore them out today.
I kissed Drew's forehead and covered him up with the firefighter blanket I had made him. Staring at him sleeping reminded me why I was here. Why I had fought against myself to make this work. Why I put them first and myself last. It wasn't an easy decision, and it was one that had me conflicted every day of my life, but it was the right choice for them.
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 279