"What does Brody's friend do?" I asked in awe. Braedyn turned back to respond.
"He's in a band that just got signed by a major label."
"Right, of course." Everyone was in a band these days. "How old is he?"
"He just turned twenty-five."
"Must be nice," I whispered under my breath.
"He's touring right now."
"Ah." Weird to have this nice house and be gone all the time. Guess that was why he let his friends use it. Otherwise, it would be a waste.
We followed Brody's car up the narrow driveway and parked along the side of the house behind him. The house was a one story and had beautiful views of the coast line. Funny how I always ended up at spectacular houses. It made my house feel like a shack, which it wasn't, but it was a typical cookie cutter middle- class house. Either way I was very fortunate, whereas some of my friends were not.
Everyone jumped out of the cars and grabbed their bags and followed Brody to the front door.
"Shane is really cool. He said to use whatever. There are six bedrooms. Dean and Lennox can have the master since they'll be sharing a bed, I assume?"
I blushed a little, which was trivial. Dean and I had been having sex since we met and that was four years ago. I was sure everyone that knew us knew our status well enough to know we would be sharing a room. Braedyn caught my embarrassment and winked mischievously. Not sure what to think of that.
"Thanks, man," Dean said.
Brody continued, "Everyone else just pick whatever. They all have their own bathrooms."
As expected, the guys ran into the house like chickens with their heads cut off. They scrambled to check out the bedrooms and piss on their territory and then rifled through the pantry and fridge. I rolled my eyes as the madness took place. Guys were so immature sometimes. The only one who seemed unfazed was Braedyn who sat on the couch as soon as we came into the house. I joined him.
He looked at me and started laughing and said, "You probably think they are nuts."
"You think?" I giggled sarcastically. "Ridiculous. Like they've never stayed somewhere other than their parents' house." Our laughter subsided, and we sat in a comfortable silence as the guys ran down the hallway and took a running leap into the pool. Brody and Dean took it upon themselves to jump in with just their boxers while Ryker and Colton went in fully clothed. "You have got to be kidding me." I shook my head in shame at Dean's behavior.
"You should have seen them on tour. Dean and his boys are pretty crazy."
"I can only imagine." It was strange how easy it was talking to him, almost like we had been friends forever. We were sitting near the middle of the couch within touching distance. I stared at his hand resting next to me and wondered what it would feel like to touch him again. My body was starting to tingle again. How was I going to ignore this? Ignore him? Ignore the feelings that he was manifesting within me?
He looked over at me and smiled. I tore my glance from his hand to the floor, so he wouldn't catch on to me. I took a moment to collect myself and then returned the smile. Our eyes locked, and I was lost within the speckles of brown swimming around his blue irises. He seemed just as lost in my eyes. Mini explosions erupted in me. Oh God! Does he feel what I feel, or am I crazy? I wanted it to be genuine, but I was so insecure these days I couldn't trust my thoughts, let alone my feelings.
"Hey, guys, are you going to join us?" Ryker came charging in soaking wet.
We broke the magnet between us. I nonchalantly looked around and jumped up as if I was on my way out. Braedyn was a little bit cooler about the interruption.
"Sure, but I think I'll put my swim shorts on," Braedyn said as he pushed himself off the couch, ignoring any sign of a connection between us.
I'll admit I was a bit disappointed that he could flip a switch so quickly, but it was for the best. I was taken. I was unavailable, or at least physically I was. Emotionally, I was a mess.
****
The show was at a bar called The Showcase Theatre. They featured bands on the weekends. It was another packed show. I really did like going to shows because I enjoyed the music. It was the crowds I didn't fancy, which is why I usually found a table or corner to hide at so I could actually focus on the music and not my anxiety level.
A friend had saved one of those U-shaped booths for us. I was more than elated to see that it was off to the side a bit. We could still see the stage, but we wouldn't have people standing all over us. We squeezed in, and I sat on one end next to Dean, while Braedyn sat directly across from me.
I more or less tuned out while the guys talked about bands. Some I had heard of and others were new ones that Dean had met on tour. He was extremely passionate about music, which was obvious with the way he talked about it. He knew the lyrics to every song of every band he listened to. It was incredible.
There were several bands playing, so once they started, talking became nearly impossible unless you were sitting right next to someone. The guys came in and out of the booth throughout the show. When I finally stole a glance up, Braedyn's crystal blue eyes bore deep into my soul as the music resounded in our eardrums. Our friends surrounding us at the table faded as they raced for the stage to watch the headlining band, leaving us alone with a quiet intensity that didn't need any words to translate the feelings spoken between us.
I wanted him with every fiber of my being.
All thoughts of Dean had disappeared, and it was just us. How could something that seemed so wrong feel so right? How could I love two boys so passionately, yet so differently? My heart belonged to one and my soul to another.
Ryker came back to the table unnoticed by Braedyn and me. Our gaze was impenetrable. My body was on fire. I wanted to crawl across the table and wrap my lips around his.
"Braedyn!" Ryker shouted breaking the bond.
Ryker looked back and forth between us and shot Braedyn a disapproving glare. I looked at my hands again shamefully. I felt like a nun from grade school had just slapped my hand. Braedyn got up without saying a word and left with Ryker. I was left alone with my guilt. My shame. My twisted heart.
Chapter Nine
Present
As I drove the kids to the fire station, my mind reminisced about past times that almost seemed like past lives. That day with Braedyn had started many days of mixed messages between us. Were we just best friends, or was there more below the surface we were both too afraid to admit? What I discovered during that time of my life was that there wasn't just one person out there that was meant for me or anyone else for that matter. A heart had many emotional layers, and it took more than one person to make it solid.
After I met Braedyn, I questioned whether a person had more than one soul mate. Both felt so right for such different reasons. I felt the most complete when they were both in my life at the same time, but that only lasted so long, and when it ended, I was never the same again.
Surprisingly, the twenty-minute car ride was uneventful and peaceful. My daughter fell asleep within minutes of picking her up, and my son was listening to his headphones plugged into the iPad. I continued to lose time as demons devoured my thoughts, and the music drifting out of the speakers muted the natural sounds of a busy commute.
When I realized I was in front of the gates to the fire station, I mildly panicked, not knowing how I got here. I tried to picture the drive and only caught snippets of cars on the freeway and exiting the off ramp. I looked back and saw that Lexus was still asleep, and Drew was still watching a movie. My heart calmed when I confirmed we had arrived safely.
The gates opened, so I drove in and parked. Dean walked up to the car with a handsome smile on his face, revealing his pearly whites and the soft wrinkles time had etched under his eyes. They were only visible when he smiled big enough. He always looked so striking in his work uniform. The dark blue intensified his bright blue eyes. I reached back and patted Drew on the knee to get his attention. He took his headphones off.
"We're here, honey."
Dean opened
Drew's door. The smile that lit up both of their faces brought tears to the forefront of my eyes. I turned away and choked them back quickly. How could I ever think of leaving him? Of breaking up the smiles that warmed the faces of the people I loved?
"Hey, big man. I missed you." He unbuckled his harness and scooped Drew into his arms. "I see your sister fell asleep."
"Yeah, she was tired. Dad, can we spray the hose today?"
"Of course, let me get your sister first, okay?"
"Okay," Drew said as he slid out of Dean's arms to the ground. Dean shut the door and walked around the car to get Lexus. I gathered my purse and the camera out of the front seat while he worked on waking her up. I watched in the rearview mirror as he softly rubbed her leg.
"Hey, sweetie. It's Daddy. Wake up, honey."
He talked to her so tenderly. A way he used to talk to me. I yearned for that back. She started to stir gently.
"Daddy?" she asked as she came out of her dream state.
"Yeah, Lexus, it's Daddy," he said with an adoring smile.
He loved our kids more than anything, and it showed by the way he talked and interacted with them. He had his moments of frustration with them, but who didn't? There were times that I felt he was losing it, but it was hard to fault him. He was only home a couple of days a week and wasn't used to our daily routine and my discipline style. He was out of his element at home. A huge reason the distance between us had grown so much since he started on the department. He lived at the fire station and visited home.
"You ready to hang out with Daddy?" he asked her.
She nodded her head slowly as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. He unbuckled her as he had done with Drew, and she fell into his arms still half asleep. He rubbed her back.
"I missed you, princess."
"I missed you, too."
She rested her head on his shoulder and hugged him tightly around his neck as he peeked into the car.
"Hi," he said sweetly to me.
"Hi."
"You coming?"
"Yeah," I said as I started to get out of the car. He closed the car door. My phone chimed, so I dug it out of my purse really quick. It was from Braedyn. All it said was hi. I ignored it and threw my phone back into my purse. I rubbed my temples roughly, trying to push the guilt out of my head.
Dean yelled from halfway across the parking lot. "Len, you coming?"
I hopped out of the car, leaving my purse after all and just grabbed my camera. I caught up to them. "Sorry. I've had a bad headache all day." He put his free arm around me and pulled me in close.
"I missed you, too, you know," he whispered as he kissed my head softly.
"I missed you, too." I snuggled into his chest, trying to remember what his embrace felt like before the collapsing of our marriage began. We walked in a clump to the garage that housed the fire engine, truck, and paramedic rig. He worked at a pretty large and busy station. Paying his dues he always said when I told him he needed to transfer to a slower station. Several of our fights revolved around him being too tired to do stuff around the house on his minimal days off, which left me to pretty much do everything. It was exhausting for both of us and a shitty way to live in a marriage.
Drew broke from our little pack and ran to the gym area where the handball court was and yelled, "Come on, Dad. Let's play."
"You want to play, Lex?"
"Uh huh," she said as she nodded.
He carried her into the court and closed the door. Within seconds, the balls were flying everywhere. I wondered how no one got hurt. Those balls were not soft. I sat outside the glass enclosure and watched the kids run around laughing as they threw the balls at the walls and tried to catch them when they bounced back. Dean played with them like he was a little kid again.
He was always so good with the children. I had lost some of that over the years. I was just the nagging mom making them perform their daily duties. Brushing teeth, getting dressed, making breakfast, doing homework, cleaning up, driving to and from after school activities. It was a monotonous and mundane life. It was the same thing every day, and very rarely was Dean a part of it. Sometimes I got to do fun things with the kids, but most of the time, I was too drained. Gotta love depression.
****
College Years
The summer was over, and my weekend with Dean and his friends had passed. We had a lot of fun, and I connected really well with all of them. They treated me like a little sister. While I had to say goodbye to my new brothers, my friendship with Braedyn didn't end. Far from it. We exchanged phone numbers and talked every day. We didn't talk about anything in particular, but we had the ability to talk for hours. I loved talking to someone again. I felt like I could tell him anything, and I did. I even told him about the miscarriage and my depressive states. I told him about issues with Dean and me. I told him everything, as he did in return. I gave him relationship advice, of all things. After all, I was with Dean, and we lived a state apart. We were friends. Just friends. Best friends. But I couldn't stop thinking about him as more.
When Dean mentioned us going to visit them for a few days over spring break, I could barely contain my excitement. He knew Braedyn and I had become close, but he never suspected it was more than that, or at least he never showed it. However, I also didn't tell him we talked every day. In fact, I played down our friendship. Dean had become distant since he returned from the tour. He didn't touch me the same way, and he wasn't as protective over me. Something had changed, and I knew he could feel it, too.
We were hanging out on the couch at my house watching television. I wasn't really watching; I was thinking. My mind started to wander. What if something did happen on the tour? What if he did cheat on me? It would make sense why he's been less affectionate. As it was, we were sitting at least a foot apart from each other.
"Hey, Dean?" Oh God, was I really going to do this?
"Yeah?" he asked without looking away from the movie.
"Did something happen on tour?" Yep, I was totally doing this. My stomach started to knot up.
"What do you mean?" he responded, still watching the movie.
"Did you cheat on me?" I bit my lip hard.
"What? No! Why would you ask that?" he probed defensively. Almost too defensively.
My stomach started forming a tighter knot, and my heart started to cave. Something wasn't right. I could feel it. We had been together almost five years. We acted like an old married couple. My heart lived on instinct now and something wasn't right.
"Are you lying to me?" I asked nervously. I almost didn't want the truth, but my heart already knew.
"You know you're being ridiculous, right?" He glared at me in annoyance.
"Then just say no." I was almost begging him.
"This is crazy."
"Then say it, Dean. Say nothing happened." He had never lied to me before.
"Nothing happened," he said as he turned away.
My heart was pounding against my chest, and a lump was building in my throat. This wasn't my Dean. This wasn't the guy who held me even when he was mad at me. This wasn't the guy who would protect me with his life. That Dean was gone. I didn't know what else to say. I knew he was lying, but it was obvious he wasn't going to 'fess up.
"I should go. I have to wake up early," he stated as he stood up.
"Okay," was all I could say. He gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and left. I just stood there for a moment trying to collect my thoughts. What just happened?
I felt the invisible glass walls around me start to shatter and fly across the room. I went over to the computer and logged onto his email account. We never kept secrets, so we knew each other's passwords for everything. I couldn't see him being dumb enough to have an email from a girl in his inbox, but I wonder if he deleted all his history. I started scrolling through the deleted folder. I came across a fairly old email from when he first got back from the tour. It was from a girl named Sarah.
Hey! It was fun.
That's all i
t said, but I couldn't help but wonder who this girl was and why she was emailing him, so I copied her email down and logged into my email.
Hi! My name is Lennox. I'm Dean's girlfriend. This is probably a strange email, but things have been weird between Dean and me since he got back from his tour, and then I found an email from you in his messages. Is there something going on that I should know about?
I didn't think there was a point in being nasty to her. She probably had no idea Dean had a girlfriend and who knows if her email meant anything. I contemplated not sending the email, but my gut urged me to. I nervously clicked the Send button and stared at the screen.
A tear rolled down my cheek. Was this the end of us? Did I want it to be the end of us? It felt like I was looking for an excuse to walk away for some time now, but now that I was faced with it, I was completely devastated. We had been together for all my young adult life, and I didn't know anything outside of him. It was always just the two of us. What would I do without him? Being alone terrified me.
I shut down the computer and went to my room. I didn't know what to think or feel. I was emotionless. I thought about Braedyn. Was it any different? I wasn't physically cheating on Dean, but emotionally I had left him a long time ago. Either way it hurt. In fact, it hurt like hell. I didn't need her to respond to confirm something I already felt. I could feel a panic attack striking with full force.
My stomach and chest tightened. I folded over and held my knees as the tears overpowered me. I tried to conceal the ache within me, squeezing tighter until my nails broke through my skin. The pain brought on a calming effect, so I pushed them in deeper until I bled. Concentrating on the stinging in my wounds distracted my attack long enough for me to catch my breath. I looked up and scanned my room frantically. I needed to talk to Braedyn.
I jumped up and found the cordless under my sheets. I dialed his number while I rolled up onto the bed. I rocked methodically to the ringing over the line. No one picked up. I hung up when the machine clicked on. I threw the phone across the room. The backing fell off and exposed the rechargeable battery hanging from two wires. I kept rocking as the warm tears continued to stream down. I couldn't think straight.
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 278