I watched as his companion tried to get him on the dance floor. She tugged at his hands, but he refused to oblige. I giggled to myself. He hated dancing. Something she obviously hadn't figured out yet, which meant they couldn't have been seeing each other for long. I was honestly surprised he was even here. He hated these types of scenes. He liked going to shows, but the club scene was not his thing.
"What are you laughing about?" Kylie shouted over the music.
I turned back to her, brushing off the scene I had just witnessed. "Nothing." I was already buzzed. It was probably the prescription medication and alcohol combo that was making my body react so quickly.
You know that feeling when a song comes on that makes you feel like escaping to another reality? Well, it just happened. I could feel the notes fill my head, so I closed my eyes and felt the vibration in my toes. I needed to dance. Without asking, I grabbed Kylie's hand and pulled her onto the dance floor. She elbowed a couple of people to make room. I closed my eyes again and let the beat take me away to another place where my heart was uninhibited and my mind was still. A place where the only thing I could feel were the movements of my limbs and other bodies brushing up against me.
When a pair of arms latched on to my hip bones, I naturally opened my eyes, expecting to see Kylie. I was surprised when I locked eyes with a complete stranger. He was handsome, but he had invaded my personal space without permission and ruined my moment of freedom. I looked around for Kylie, but they had just shot out a burst of fog, so I couldn't see past the guy gripping me tighter. I was starting to feel claustrophobic, and I started panicking when the guy leaned in and started kissing my neck. I tried to push him away, but he was getting aggressive.
"Get off of me, asshole." We were too close for me to knee him in the dick. The more I struggled, the harder he held on. Suddenly, he was pried off of me. A sense of relief washed over me when I saw it was Dean, but I didn't know how to react. I was confused and upset. Kylie stood between us and grabbed my shoulders to get me to focus.
"Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Lenny. I lost you in the fog."
I was still trying to process what just happened and what it meant that Dean came to my rescue as he disappeared into the dissipating fog.
"Let's get out of here!" she bellowed angrily.
She made no effort this time to be nice about pushing through the crowd. She was pissed and letting everyone around her know it. I thought a few girls and guys were going to punch her, but the look in her eyes was enough to scare anyone out of her way. She threw open the glass door. The temperature change from a hot club to a chilly night sent chills racing through my body. I shivered and rubbed my shoulders to get warm.
"Well, that was an epic fail. What an asshole! Thank God Dean was there." She stopped short. "Okay, I suck tonight. Do you want to just go home?"
"Sure." We headed to her car.
"Lennox? Wait up."
I spun around to see Dean running to us. He was alone.
"I'm going to go get the car."
Kylie left as Dean reached me. This was one of those really peculiar moments, and I was unsure what to say or what to do with my hands, so I stayed quiet and continued to rub my arms. He stood equally as awkward.
"How are you?" he asked with a gleam in his eyes.
"I'm here, right?"
He had no idea how much weight that question actually held. He didn't know about my suicide attempt, and I didn't plan on telling him.
"I just haven't talked to you in a while." He dragged his foot back and forth against the asphalt.
"It goes both ways, you know?" I said softly. I had no desire to fight with him. I still loved him and wanted him back, but clearly he was moving on, too. Just without me.
"True."
Headlights lit up where we were standing as Kylie's car approached. "So, I guess I'll see you around," I said anxiously. I didn't want to say goodbye. I wanted him to grab me around the waist and kiss me, but he didn't.
"Yeah," he responded.
Lame. I walked slowly to the passenger side giving him a chance to redeem the moment, but he did nothing. I let out a disappointed breath as I climbed in and slammed the door.
A blast of heat warmed my skin quickly as we drove away. He waved as we passed him. I rested my head back on the headrest and closed my eyes.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"There's nothing to talk about. We are both moving on." I knew she didn't buy it, but I didn't care. The night was a little more excitement than I had planned on for my first night out, so I just wanted to go home and go to bed. I didn't want to talk or think. I just wanted to sleep and start over in the morning. One day at a time, right?
For me, it was one minute at a time.
Chapter Eighteen
Present
Over the past eleven years of my life, I had survived by taking it one minute at a time and starting over every day from the moment I woke up. It was the only way. Then, Braedyn returned, and everything changed. I didn't need to think about surviving anymore. I just did it.
I heard the doorbell, so I put the journal down to go answer the door. My worst nightmare stood in front of me. My heart stopped beating as Dean's best friend, Turner, stood in front of me with the look of death written all over his face.
You know how in the movies when something horrible happens everything moves in slow motion? Well, that shit really happens.
Turner just stood there as my mind wrapped around why he was here. The sound around me became muffled, and my cheeks became wet. My knees were weak, and I couldn't speak. I fell into his arms, and he held me tightly as the darkest day of my life played out.
"Please tell me, Turner. How bad is it?" I begged him as he rocked me.
"It's bad, Lennox. I'm so sorry," he whispered into my ear. I felt his tears roll down my ear. He loved Dean almost as much as I did. "You need to go to him. He needs you."
I looked up and managed to mutter, "Can you drive me?"
"Of course."
The next few minutes were a blur. I rushed back into the house to grab my phone, shoes, and a jacket. I needed to call my parents to pick up the kids. I didn't know what to tell them about Dean since Turner didn't tell me what shape he was in, so I just told them that he got hurt, and I was going to the hospital.
As we drove to the hospital, I watched the world pass by in a daze as my mind retreated to a better moment in time.
It was hard for Dean to explain to the kids how much he loved his job. It meant a lot to him for his kids to understand why he chose a job that kept him away at night. They knew what his job meant as far as helping sick people, but the wow factor was lost on them. Unfortunately, they got a firsthand experience when our neighbor's house caught fire in the middle of the night last year.
A pounding on the front door jolted Dean and me out of bed. It was a frantic knocking that made my heart jump out of my chest in fear. We both ran down the stairs. Dean threw open the door, and our six-year- old neighbor stood in front of us. His face was covered in black smudges, and he was crying. We immediately smelled the smoke. Lexus and Drew charged down the stairs as Dean was shoving on his shoes and running out the door.
"I'll call 911," I said as I retrieved the phone off the counter in the kitchen. I quickly told them the address and hung up, and then we all followed after Dean. My heart was racing, afraid of what we might find. The thought of the children seeing something so terrifying made me stop in my tracks. Dean had already disappeared into the house. I turned to the kids blocking them from leaving the driveway.
"Wait, you guys. It's dangerous. You need to stay here and let Daddy help them." Randy, the little boy, was sobbing uncontrollably. My hands were shaking as I took him in my arms and rubbed his back. His parents were nowhere in sight, and he had younger twin sisters, all of whom were absent from the scene. I bent down to Randy and tried to get him to focus. "Randy, where are your parents and sisters?" I knew the answer, but I needed to confirm my fears.
"
In the house."
My heart dropped, and I hugged him tightly. "It's going to be all right. I promise. Drew's daddy is going to help them, okay?"
He nodded with innocent trust that came so naturally to kids when an adult spoke to them.
"Mommy, what's happening?" Lexus asked.
I looked at the smoldering house and prayed quietly. I felt guilty because while my prayers were for all of them, they were especially for Dean. He had gone into the house with no gear and barely a shirt on his back. I heard the sirens in the distance, so they would be arriving within a matter of minutes, but I was afraid it wouldn't be soon enough. Just then Dean emerged from the smoky front door with both girls in his arms. They were coughing, but were alive. Tears of relief flooded me. Randy jumped up, but I grabbed him and held him back.
"Mommy, Daddy saved them!" Lexus shouted cheerfully.
I looked at Drew who was in awe of his dad. He was no longer just his dad. In that moment, he had become his hero. Dean rushed the girls over and dumped them into my arms.
"I need to get their parents," he said as he jetted off again.
"Dean, it's too dangerous. The engines are almost here," I pleaded with him.
The sirens were loud, so I knew they were just down the block.
"They don't have a minute, Lennox," he said as the smoke engulfed him again.
I could hear him coughing and then dead silence except for the smoke alarms that were chirping violently. I held the girls in my arms as they coughed and cried for their mom and dad. They were only four and didn't understand what was happening. I wanted to comfort them with words, but I was too wrapped up in my fear for Dean's safety that I couldn't find the words to say anything. I just rocked the girls as I sat next to Randy and my own two kids.
An engine pulled up and the crew jumped out. I put the girls down quickly and ran to give them an update. "My husband is inside looking for the parents. He works for the LA Fire Department."
"Please stay with the kids, ma'am," he said politely.
I stepped back and watched two of them race into the house with the hose. Dean was still in there, and the house was fully engulfed at this point. I could feel the panic ride in my chest. Drew walked up and stood beside me.
"Mommy, is Dad going to be okay?" he asked quietly.
I put my arm around him and squeezed him to my side. I wanted to reassure him, but I couldn't because I didn't know if he would be. Just then Dean came stumbling out of the house with Kristy in his arms. Randy ran past me.
"Mommy!" he yelled.
Right behind them the two firefighters came out of the house carrying Brian. Both parents were unconscious.
"Is there anyone else in the house?" one of the fireman asked Dean.
Dean looked over to Randy who was hunched over his mom crying. "Randy, was there anyone else in the house?"
Randy shook his head quickly.
The fireman shouted, "All clear!" He and the other one ran back into the house following the hose line.
Everyone lived through the fire, and we had made instant best friends with our neighbors after that. I only wish we had met sooner. That was a traumatic experience for us all, but it made Dean a hero in the eyes of his kids, and they seemed to let go of the loneliness at bedtime a little bit after that.
The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever. I just wanted to see Dean. I wanted him to step out of the hospital as he stepped out of that burning house, alive and unscathed.
****
College Years
A few days passed after seeing Dean at the coffee bar. I was trying to stay hopeful that while what we had was lost that there was still a chance for us to build a new path to the future. To our future.
I considered calling him, but I was nervous just like the first time I met him. I had butterflies thinking about our intimate moments, and I was scared of rejection. Instead, I decided to check the mail for college admission letters and to go for a walk. I had been checking the mail every day for the past month. I was determined to get my life back on track, and I knew that this was the first big step toward that.
I opened the front door and nearly slammed into Dean's fist. He was just about to knock. "Jesus. You scared the shit out of me."
"I'm sorry," he laughed out.
"Ha-ha," I threw back sarcastically. It was nice to hear his laugh again. It infected my senses like a computer virus swimming the channels of the internet.
"Sorry. I was hoping we could talk, but it looks like you were just leaving."
"Not really. I was just going to get the mail."
"Can we go for a walk?" he asked coyly.
"Yeah, sure." I stepped out and closed the door. I ignored the mailbox as we passed it. Being this close to him again was weird. It had been so long since we were alone like this. I could feel the lost chemistry crackle to life as our hands accidentally bumped. It was something that disappeared along the way and to blame for the crater-sized distance that developed between us a few years into our relationship. It pushed me away and pushed him into the arms of another. I tried to dispel the memories as we reached my favorite viewpoint and writing spot. "So, what's up, Dean?"
"Not much."
I nodded silently. How was I supposed to respond to that? We were never great at small talk.
"I mean, everything. This. You. Me. We broke up a year ago, and every day I still think about you. Wondering how you are. Torturing myself over the possibility of you being with another guy."
We were having a difficult moment of honesty. This could either go really well or be a total disaster.
"I wasn't the one at the bar with another person," I pointed out.
"Shit, Len, I'm a guy. I was trying to move on. Do you think anybody would ever measure up to what we had?"
My heart fluttered, and my eyes filled with joyful tears that I held back.
"But you did find someone. Isn't that why you cheated on me?" Dammit. I was clearing the past away. "Sorry. Forget I said that."
I sat on the ground in front of the cliff drop off. It was a cooler day, but the sun was shining bright as it made its approach to noon. He sat next to me. Right next to me. I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to recapture the first years of our life together. I fucked up with Braedyn. I should've respected what Dean and I had and ignored the feelings that Braedyn brewed inside of me. Maybe then none of this would have happened.
"It's okay," he interrupted my thoughts.
"It really isn't, Dean. I promised myself I would let go of all of that. It's the only way we would have a chance at a future."
"Do you actually think we can start over, Len? After everything?"
I stared at an ant darting across the dusty pebbles in front of my feet. How simple its life was. Not expressing my feelings was my biggest flaw. I was always guarded and protective of my mental stability. What I was about to say would be the most honest thing I had ever said to anyone. I took a deep breath. You can do this. You need to do this. "It's the only thing that has been keeping me going."
Dean knew me. He knew how hard that was for me to say. He grabbed my chin and turned my lips to his and said, "I love you, Lennox. My heart has been carefully bandaged since we broke up and now you have set it free." He leaned over and planted the softest and most emotionally intense-filled kisses on my lips that released the tears from eyes. I grabbed him around the neck and straddled him.
That kiss seemed to last for hours. Both of us not willing to let go of a moment we had dreamed about having again for years.
I loved this man with all my heart, and he loved me with all his soul. A piece of me might always belong to Braedyn, but I knew what I needed and wanted, and it was Dean.
****
Present
We were almost to the hospital. The memory of that kiss broke down my defenses. The fear of losing Dean forever filled my core and made me nauseous. How could I live without him? How would I survive?
The kids.
They would save me, but wou
ld I be enough for them? They adored their daddy. I adored him. I started to cry. Turner rubbed my back offering the only kind of comfort he could. There were no words that could make this better. His touch made me feel a little less alone in this nightmare.
Getting to the right area of the hospital was chaotic, but mainly a blur. I still wasn't thinking clearly. Turner was leading the way, and I just trailed behind him. When we got to the correct waiting area, I was overwhelmed by the presence of all the people. His crew was there, plus many other firemen, captains, and chiefs. The support of the department was inspiring and overwhelming.
Dean's direct captain, Vic, was the first to approach me.
He embraced me in an unconventional hug and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Lennox."
I felt bad for him. The safety and lives of the crew were on his shoulders. The guilt he must have felt.
I hugged him back and said, "I'm sorry, too."
He pulled away and went back to his spot in the sea of dark blue uniforms. I wanted to ask how bad it was, but I couldn't.
"Mrs. Ashford?"
I turned to face a handsome man in a white coat.
"I'm Dean's doctor. Please feel free to call me Dr. Cole or just Cole."
He held out his hand for me to shake. I took it like a fragile bird with a broken wing.
"Can we talk in private?" he asked as he scanned the large crowd.
"Please," I muttered.
He took me from the security of the love that filled that room to a sterile, empty hospital room with awful bright fluorescent lights.
"Did anyone fill you in on what happened?" Dr. Cole inquired.
"No." I lowered my head and picked at the skin around my fingernails.
"I will let them fill you in on the details of the scene, but I'd like to tell you the extent of his injuries and the odds of recovery."
I swallowed hard, hoping I wouldn't have a breakdown. Please keep it together. I looked up at him.
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