"Do you miss him?"
"Which one?" I laughed sadly.
"Well, I was talking about Braedyn, but both I guess," she answered as she sat next to me on the bed.
"I know I should let him go, Ky, but we had something deeper than just a connection that I can't explain, and the way he left things so open... it still hurts like the day he vanished from my life."
"I'm not going to pretend to understand what you guys had, but if you want this to work with Dean, you have to find your closure. If that means burning all of this, then you need to do it."
"I know." I could feel the emptiness taking over my soul. "Will you do it with me?"
"Of course," she smiled sweetly.
****
We went to lunch and finished unpacking. The apartment came furnished, so we didn't have to buy much. Dean still hadn't shown up or called. I was starting to freak out. Kylie and I decided to light up the fireplace and burn the contents of my soul. We sat in front of the fire with the shoebox between us.
"You're doing the right thing, Lenny."
She rubbed my back for reassurance. "I know. It's just hard." She waited for me to be ready. I watched the orange flames crackle and glared at them. They were about to steal a huge part of me, and I hated them for it. I both despised and envied the fire at the same time. It didn't care what it consumed, but what consumed me would eat at me for the rest of my life, burning the fibers that kept me together until there was nothing left but an empty life.
"I'm ready." I just wanted to be done with it. I started with the pictures. At first, I only threw one in at a time and watched as the heat melted the coating and then burned it to ash, but then I started throwing them at the fire in piles. When it was time for the letters, I started with the one that meant the least to me and made my way through until the most important one was the only one left. I stared at it for a while.
"I don't know if I can do it, Kylie."
She got up.
"Where are you going?"
"I think you should do this one alone."
She kissed me on the head and went to her room and closed the door. I contemplated reading the letter and then burning it, but then I was afraid I wouldn't do it. I took a deep breath and braced for the final proof that anything that had existed between Braedyn and me would vanish like he had done. Someone knocked on the front door. I looked at the letter, and instead of tossing it into the fire, I shoved it under the couch cushion and answered the door. It was Dean with a duffel bag over one arm while balancing two boxes. I was pretty stunned, so I froze and didn't say a word.
"A little help?"
"Yeah, sorry." I grabbed the top box and held the door open with my foot. As he passed by me, he planted a forgiving kiss on my lips.
When he pulled away, his eyes penetrated my heart as he said, "What's in the past is in the past," and he walked to our room.
I felt like a little girl who just got her way after a temper tantrum in Target. I smiled sheepishly and walked down the hall after him.
****
Present
After I regained my composure, I left the roof and rejoined everyone in the waiting room. Kylie was sitting with Turner. She had a tissue in her hands, and her eyes were red. When she saw me, she tackled me, almost knocking me off my feet.
"Lenny, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." She sniffled.
I hugged her hard. I needed her, and she was here. "I'm sorry I didn't call you."
"Don't you dare," she said, grabbing my face in her hands. "Don't you dare apologize for anything. You hear me?"
I nodded and fell back into her arms and cried some more. Turner had called her and filled her in. She half-carried me back to my seat. There was a new set of faces there with the shift change, so they all took turns giving me their apologies. I refused to acknowledge them as condolences. Dean wasn't gone, and I would respect the fight he was undertaking to come back to us.
"After you left, the doctor finished telling me about Dean's prognosis."
I was very fortunate to have such an amazing support system behind me. Growing up, it seemed that when things went bad I was always alone, but now I had Kylie, Turner, and the whole department.
"I'm ready now." Uttering those words was always hard for me.
"He said that if Dean comes out of the coma..."
"When." Kylie jumped on his incorrect sentence.
"Sorry. Yes, when he wakes up, there are medications and therapies that can help increase his brain activity. It won't be easy, but the doctor said he can get better with support and hard work."
"Full recovery?" I asked.
"He said anything is possible."
Dean had made me promise when he got hired on the department that I would never let him live on a machine or live like a partial vegetable. He didn't want to put the kids and me through that, having to take care of him and be reminded of the accident every day of our lives. I agreed without thinking that it would ever be a possibility.
I regretted it now. I was selfish and wanted him any way I could as long as he didn't leave us. Kylie squeezed my hand in support.
"I'll be here every step of the way. You won't be alone in this."
"Thank you. Both of you."
The doctor came back.
"Mrs. Ashford, would you like to see him?"
I was scared. Of course, I wanted to see him, but he wouldn't look like he did when I kissed him goodbye at the station. He would be wrapped in casts, have a tube down his throat, and IVs coming out of his arms. I closed my eyes and tried to mentally prepare myself as much as possible. "Yes, please."
"I can come with you," Kylie offered.
"Thanks, hon, but I think I need to do this by myself."
She nodded and gave me an encouraging hug.
I stood up and walked quietly next to the doctor as we headed to Dean's room. It was late now, so the lights were dimmed and the nurses' station was quiet as they whispered, being careful not to wake their patients. I could feel their sorry eyes trail me as I entered Dean's room.
The curtain was pulled around his bed for privacy, not that he would know. I could hear several machines working to keep him alive. The doctor turned around and stopped me.
"Mrs. Ashford, I want you to understand that what you are about to see is going to be disturbing. His bruising is starting to set in, and he has several machines hooked up to him."
"You don't have to explain. I know it's going to be bad. Thank you, though."
"Would you like me to stay?"
It probably would have been wise for him to stay, but I asked him to leave anyway. "No, I'll be okay."
He moved around me and closed the door as he left. The light in the room was faint, and the room sterile aside from a giant bouquet of flowers. No doubt they were from the station. It was their usual tradition for injuries or births. I was terrified to go around the curtain, so I just stood there with my eyes closed and listened to the breathing machine go in and out. It was a very calming sound. Too bad it was attached to such an awful meaning.
I had stalled for long enough. I opened my eyes and pulled back the curtain. I quickly covered my mouth from the shock. I thought I was prepared for what I was going to see, but I was so wrong. No one could have prepared me for this. Dean's face was so swollen and black and blue that you couldn't even tell it was him. He was barely recognizable as human at all. He had casts on his right arm and leg and a brace around his neck. I think I remember them saying he had broken his back, but I couldn't be sure. The rest I expected, a breathing tube and IVs, but what I expected was more like things I had seen on television. Not this. This was reality, and Dean had truly knocked on death's door. Looking at him now, I wondered how he survived at all, and then it hit me. He survived for us.
I rushed to his side and swiftly covered him with a warmer blanket. He looked cold, and I didn't want him to be cold. I searched the television channel for a music station that played his favorite genre, alternative. I found it and put it dow
n low. Then, I adjusted the lights a little lower. I couldn't stop running around the room moving things. I needed to feel like I could help him in some way, but I couldn't. There was nothing I could do.
I pulled the chair up to his good side and held onto his hand. It was the only part of his body that still looked like him. I caressed it gently and laid my head on the bed. I cried hard. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I owed him this cry. I owed him everything. I owed him my life. I cried myself to the point of emotional, psychological, and physical exhaustion, and then I made a promise I knew I couldn't keep.
"I will never leave your side," I whispered.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Weekend
I walked into the main room of the house to total pandemonium. Jaxon had a full Rock Band set up, including stage. Everyone was instantly transported back to their college days, drunk and fighting over who got to go first. With all of the tension I was carrying around, my emotions were skating on the surface of my sanity so the scene that played out in front of me had me in instant hysterics. The alcohol probably had something to do with it, too.
I guess I was laughing pretty loudly because the room got quiet and then everyone focused their attention on me and joined me. Kylie stumbled over to me.
"Lenny, you're laughing!" she slurred as she shook me.
I half-collected myself and responded through watery eyes, "Yes, Ky, I do know how to have fun. Geez."
She gave me a hard hug. "I love you, Lenny. Thanks for a great weekend."
"It's not over yet!" I yelled over the laughter. "Kylie's lead singer, and I'm on guitar."
Kylie about fell over at my proclamation and, well, she was drunk.
"Come on." I shrugged as I pulled her onto the stage. Jaxon took bass, Braedyn went on drums, and a couple of the girls acted as backup singers.
I had to admit that was the most fun I had in a long time. Funny how a stupid game and a little alcohol could do that. I managed to let go of my past with Braedyn for the rest of the night and have fun. Everyone took turns making complete fools of themselves while the rest of us drank. I realized that I missed moments like this with Dean and the kids. I had been stuck in my own head full of depression for so long that I had forgotten how to have fun. Things would be different when I got home. It was time for a change.
****
College Years
My fear of all three of us living together turned out to be unfounded. We had a great time. It was the last weekend before classes started. Kylie decided to go to a fashion design school in the area, which was huge for her, and Dean was starting the most rigorous nine months of his young adult life. I felt kind of bad for him. I, on the other hand, was elated that I had chosen a major based on my passion rather than practicality, although I was sure that would blow up in my face some day.
Dean had planned a special evening out for us. We hadn't been on an actual date in forever. We always seemed to go out in groups, so I was a bit tickled about the evening. He wouldn't tell me where we were going, and he made a point of teasing me about it all day.
We left in the late afternoon to make the long drive. I was surprised he didn't blindfold me with how secretive he was being. He didn't even tell Kylie because he knew she couldn't keep a secret to save her life. He made a playlist of our favorite bands for the drive. We talked about the next year, trying to plan things to do with each other in between the chaos of classes, studying, and homework. It was surprising that just a year ago I thought that I would be doing this alone, but fate had another plan for me, and it was Dean. I couldn't be happier.
I recognized the drive back home to where we grew up. "Where are you taking me? To my parents'?" I giggled.
"You'll see." He smiled as he placed his hand on my thigh.
I hated being manic-depressive, but the one positive about it was that it allowed me to feel the highs on a more intense level than most, so I was riding a fantastic high right now. I hadn't had a low in a long time, and I thought that maybe I was growing out of it and could stop taking my medication soon. I had drastically decreased the doses over the past couple of months with my therapist's permission, but she didn't want me off of them completely.
As we drove onto the coastal highway, I had a feeling where we were going, but I didn't say anything. I was getting antsy to know what he was up to. We pulled into the familiar parking lot of where we had been with each other for the first time and the place where I had tried to end my life, but he didn't know about that. I had odd feelings about this place now, which was a shame, but his intentions were sweet.
When we arrived, the sun was already setting, and I could see a bonfire glimmering in the distance on the beach. Was that for us? What was he up to? He took my hand and walked me over to the rocks and pulled off my sandals.
"You know I can do that myself."
He only responded with a roguish smile that melted my heart. I loved him so much. He pulled off his socks and shoes and carried them with us to the fire.
"Somebody has been very busy planning this," I teased as we approached the setup.
It was breathtaking. The sand around the fire was littered with red rose petals. A blanket was laid out with a basket on top. In the middle of the blanket, there was a huge red wrapped present.
"What is this, Mr. Ashford? It's not my birthday yet."
"Well, I missed your twenty-first, so I thought I would make up for it. We'll be too busy with school to do this then."
"An early birthday. I like it." I went on my tiptoes and gave him a grateful kiss on the lips. "Thank you." We stood and watched the waves crash beyond the flames of the fire. The sun set over the horizon, and the stars started peeking out.
"Let's go sit down," he said.
The night was so similar to our first night together it added to the magic of the moment. The breeze was light and cool, but the temperature was mild. Summer was almost over, so these nights at the beach were quickly coming to an end.
We cuddled on the blanket. He had an extra blanket to put over us.
"You ready to open your present?"
"Sure."
He handed it to me, and I began unwrapping it slowly.
"We are going to be here all night if that's how you're going to unwrap."
I stuck my tongue out at him. "Whatever." I quickly ripped through the paper per his sarcasm and tore open the box. Inside was another wrapped box, but in a silver paper. I looked at him curiously. "Really?"
"What? You have to work for this one, honey." He chuckled slyly.
I ripped through it and tore it open only to discover another wrapped box. This one was pink.
"Seriously!" I laughed.
He just sat back quietly and watched, amused as hell.
I must have opened ten boxes until I finally came to a small square box wrapped in white and black paper and tied off with a beautiful black bow. I pulled one end of the bow and watched as it fell to the ground. I wasn't sure why, but my hands started shaking, and my heart started racing, and then my mind caught up with it.
Was this a ring?
I jerked my head up and looked into his eyes for signs of my answer before I opened it, but he was the master of poker faces. He couldn't have been more relaxed leaning back on his hands as if he were bathing in the moon's rays.
"Keep going," he urged me.
I peeled off the paper carefully to reveal a baby blue box. Before I could remove the top, he took it from me.
"Let me help you," he whispered as he pulled off the top, revealing a simple silver band embellished with diamonds. "Each diamond represents the years that have passed since we met." He took my left hand and slid it onto my ring finger. "I know where I am at and where I want to go, and I hope you do, too."
I couldn't stop staring at the ring on my finger and processing what it meant. I was trying to focus, but it was so damn hard. I had imagined this moment for so long, and it was finally here. I could see our future together flash before my eyes when I looked up at
him.
"Yes, Dean, I want this, too."
A single hopeful tear fell as he pulled my face in close to his and kissed me passionately.
We made love on the beach. It was the perfect ending to our evening and the beginning of our official engagement.
****
Present
I woke up with my head on Dean's hospital bed. I had been dreaming about our engagement and woke up happy until I realized where I was. He hadn't moved at all, and I wasn't sure how long I had been out. It couldn't have been long because nurses went in and out of rooms frequently, and I hadn't seen one. I got up, leaned over and kissed Dean on his bruised forehead, and went into the hallway. A nurse was walking in my direction.
"I was just coming to check on you guys. How are you doing? Do you need anything?"
She was an older woman in her fifties, petite, with a fading beauty and kind smile.
"I was just going to take a walk."
"Okay, sweetie. Let me know if you need anything," she said as she walked into Dean's room.
I looked at the clock on the wall in the nurses' station. It was two in the morning. This had been the longest day of my life. The minutes dragged by like hours. I went into the waiting room. Bless their hearts. The room still had a good amount of uniformed firemen chatting. Turner and Kylie had made makeshift beds with the chairs and were sleeping. I really was lucky to have all of them, but this wasn't going to be an overnight recovery. After seeing Dean, I realized if he made it out of here, he was going to call this place home for a long time.
I walked over to the firemen first. "Hey, guys, I am so grateful for you being here, but we won't know anything more tonight, so if you want to come back tomorrow, it would be okay with me." One of the guys I remembered being called Kent stood up to speak for the group.
"We plan on taking turns being here until he wakes up, if you don't mind, ma'am?"
"Okay, but only if you don't call me ma'am ever again. Call me Lennox, please."
"We can do that."
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 288