"Look, Lenny. I'm not married yet, so what I do is my business. I'm not doing anything wrong here. No sins committed. Not that I believe in that shit anyway," she gurgled out.
"You're drunk."
"And you, my friend, are being a bitch. Loosen up, okay. This is my weekend, and I'll have fun how I want to."
She stumbled into the house. I yelled after her, "Fine, but don't blame me when you wake up in the morning."
She turned around. "I won't, Len, because I'm me, and you are you."
With those piercing words, she was gone inside the massive house that was more like a mansion. "Fuck."
She was right, though. I wasn't her, and she wasn't married. Her conscience lived on a different level than mine, something I envied her for.
"Are you coming in?"
Braedyn broke my moment of jealousy. Ironic.
"Yeah." I brushed passed him quickly, but he grabbed my arm to stop me. His hand burned desire into my wrist.
Oh no. No. This can't be happening. Not again. Without turning to look at him, I quietly whispered, "Please let go." That sentence had so much meaning, and I think he understood.
He released my hand, and I retreated into the safety of the house. My emotions were on fire and my anxiety was rising, but I was without my pills here. I had to find a way to relax and get through the night with my marriage unscathed, for Dean had my heart, but Braedyn held my soul in the palms of his hands. How could anybody choose between that?
Chapter Twenty
College Years
After the kiss Dean and I shared for the first time in over a year, I was on edge about a night alone with him again. I knew it would lead to sex since we had already been down that road many times, but we were different now. Things were different. He had clearly been with other girls, although I didn't ask him to confirm that. He is a guy, and it would be naïve for me to think he stayed celibate for over a year.
The first time we had sex I was worried about it hurting. This time I was self-conscience about my lack of experience with other men. Plus, for the last six months, I was basically a monk holed up in my house with very little communication with the outside world. That was something he didn't know about, though. I decided the things that happened while we were apart would die with me. He didn't need to know how crazy I could be. Shit, that would scare me away.
As always, my moral support was there. Kylie was sitting on the floor doing her toenails.
"What are you going to wear?" she asked as she concentrated on a design she was painting.
"I don't know. It seems silly to be this nervous. It's not like we're strangers." I shuffled through the pants hanging in my closet.
"You kind of are."
Ugh! This felt like the first time we met him at the movie theatre. My stomach was queasy, and my palms were sweaty. I think I was worried because I knew I wanted him to be my forever, so everything had to be perfect. I had to be perfect. We had a complicated relationship, and I needed to prove that we were forever material.
"You know he never stopped loving you, Len. That boy is obsessed with you. He worships the ground you walk on. You're bat shit crazy, and he loves you for it, not in spite of it." She laughed at her own words.
I was bat shit crazy and he knew it, and he was still willing to give us another chance. That had to mean something. I yanked my favorite dark skinny cords off the hanger and a plain V-neck. It was a cooler night, so I grabbed a zip-up hoodie and got dressed. "What are you going to do tonight?"
"Wait for your phone call."
"No, seriously," I responded.
"I'm being serious. Why? Is there something wrong with that?"
"You don't have anything planned?"
"Nah," she blurted out as she used a magazine to fan her toes.
I felt a little bad, because most nights we hung out together. I didn't want her to feel left out like before. "I'll call you right when I get home."
"Okay."
She stood up and carefully put on her sandals. She gave me a quick hug. "Have fun tonight, and I mean it." She pointed her finger at me.
"I will. Promise."
I walked her outside. We both got into our cars and drove off in different directions. Dean's parents were out of town, so he planned a romantic evening at the house. His parents had a nice house, and it was warm and inviting. I always felt at peace there, or maybe it was being with Dean that made me feel at peace.
I pulled into the driveway and checked my makeup in the mirror really quick. I never wore much, but I wore a little more for tonight. Dean opened the front door and waved. He was smiling ear to ear as I reached him. He gave me a soft kiss on the lips and embraced me tenderly.
"Hi to you, too."
"Sorry. I've just been waiting for this moment again for a very long time."
He always said the right things. He knew how to make me feel like the most important person in his universe.
The house smelled delicious. He was making my favorite, penne arrabiata and garlic bread.
"I hope you have mouthwash." I laughed.
"I bought stock in it just for tonight." He chuckled.
His laugh made my toes tingle. God, I loved this man. He took my hand and led me into the living room that was attached to the open kitchen. I was speechless. He had every inch of the room covered with lit candles and vases full of roses. There was a blanket laid out in front of the crackling fireplace. "No need for lights in here," I said sarcastically. "It's beautiful, Dean. Thank you." I reached up and kissed him thoughtfully on the lips. That wasn't enough for him, though. He ravaged my lips with intensity that burned my insides. Dinner was going to have to wait.
I jumped up and wrapped my legs around his waist. He grasped onto my bottom, and from the pressure he was applying, I knew he was struggling to contain his passion, too. His tongue moved in unison with mine and penetrated deeply. I moaned in pleasure. Either he had become a better kisser or I had forgotten, but this was simply indescribable. I grabbed his hair and pulled hard as I tried to hold in my own desire. I wanted this to last all night.
He carried me over to the fire and laid me down onto the blanket. He pulled away and caressed my hair as he looked me intensely in the eyes.
"I love you, Lennox. It has always been you. It will always be you. I'm never letting you go again."
I knew he meant it. I clenched a fistful of his shirt and pulled him down to me. We dove back into the moment without skipping a beat. His hand rubbed me aggressively up and down my thigh. I already felt like I was going to explode. It had been so long since I had been intimate. I had to stop kissing him to let out a quiet squeal. He sucked on my earlobe as his hand unbuttoned my pants and plunged down my panties. His fingers played with that magic touch and then entered and exited me in a rhythmic motion. I clawed at his back as my body convulsed in pleasure. I couldn't hold out much longer. He massaged my clitoris while simultaneously going deeper inside of me with his fingers.
I looked at him. "I'm going to cum."
"Good." He smiled wickedly as he sped up his rhythm.
I threw my head back and arched my back as my climax neared. Everything down there was tingling, forcing me to dig my nails deeply into his back as I screamed in pleasure. It lasted so long I thought I was going to pass out from holding my breath. When I was finished, my hands fell off of him, and my body went limp. I giggled in pleasure. Maybe experience wasn't such a bad thing after all.
He rested on top of my chest and slowly kissed my neck as my body tried to recover.
"I bet you're hungry." He smirked.
I couldn't help but laugh. "Yes. Very."
He helped me up, and we went into the kitchen. He washed his hands and then served our food at the kitchen table that was already set and lit with beautiful candlesticks. I was still in awe of how much pleasure I got out of that, and we both had remained fully clothed. It really had been a long time.
We talked about everything over dinner. He told me that the band had split u
p, and he was starting paramedic school in the fall. I told him that I had been writing stories, and that I had been accepted to CSU Long Beach, which was not so local.
"Kylie and I are going to move out there at the end of the summer." Once I said it, I realized how weird it was. We had made these plans when Dean and I weren't together. He seemed disappointed, so I jumped in with, "We weren't together anymore, so I had to make other plans." I immediately felt an unwarranted guilt.
"I know, Len. It's not like I expected your life to stop. To be honest, I thought you would have started last year."
I put my head down and shoved a fork full of penne into my mouth. I washed it down with a big swig of red wine. I really didn't want to have this conversation tonight.
"I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine. I took a year off. Nothing to really talk about." Shit. Was I already lying to him again? I sighed shamefully at myself.
"Well, I think it's great that you changed your major. It sounds like you really enjoy writing."
He was so sweet for changing the subject. "Yeah, my parents are a little skeptical, but they are being supportive for the most part."
He told me about the long hours he would need to put into studying for the program and that he wouldn't be able to work. His school was in the same area as mine, so it seemed needless for him to commute.
"Maybe I can talk to Kylie about us all getting a place together."
"That would be cool."
I didn't really think about it, but that was a pretty big step for us to be talking about when we just got back together, but it felt right. We knew we didn't want to waste another moment apart, so why not?
We finished dinner and had a dish soap bubble fight as we cleaned up, although I think we made more of a mess in the end. We had reconnected so easily and naturally, and it made me realize how much I missed him. My heart ached thinking that I had almost lost him forever. Fate had brought us back together and would never tear us apart again.
That night we made love like it was our first time, only this time we both knew what to do, and we were both experienced adults. His tongue had explored every part of my body, including inside of me. I brought him to the brink of heaven several times before I let him release. We took our time indulging in each other's pleasure and built up anticipation. The way he nibbled my nipples with his cool breath made me squirm as he fondled my wetness. The foreplay lasted hours until we couldn't hold out any longer.
He finally entered me, and the pleasure from the first thrust burned hotly through my body. I rolled over on top of him and took the lead, rocking back and forth gently. The wet caressing and slow motion was just what we needed to finish this off. He dug his fingers into my hips helping move me to his rhythm. The tingling sensation of bliss was taking over my bottom half. I leaned into him placing my hands on his rock hard chest and dug my nails deep as I started to orgasm. He took over and thrust hard and quickly so he could cum with me. We both screamed out in pleasure as we found the same moment of impact. I collapsed on his chest, and he protectively wrapped his strong arms around my small frame.
He kissed the top of my head and whispered, "Forever."
****
Present
When Dean whispered into my ear forever, I had no idea it would end so soon. I had drifted off into the past while sitting in the waiting room chair listening to his friends' banter lessen. Turner came over to check on me.
"How are you doing?" he asked as he sat in the chair next to me.
"Not good. How about you?"
"Not good."
I found myself comforting him. I put my hand on his. "We'll get through this together."
"Things like this happen in our line of work, but you never imagine it happening to someone you're close to."
"He's going to get through this, Turner. He loves us too much not to fight the hardest he has ever fought before. He loves his kids too much. He'll fight until the very end. He will fight."
The doctor came to give us an update. He was carrying a large manila envelope in his hand. He sat in a chair beside us, which to me, was never a good sign.
"So, there haven't been any changes. He's still in a coma and not breathing on his own. We managed to set all the broken bones. The PET scan came back."
He pulled a large photo out of the envelope and handed it to me. It was a picture of a brain with various colors of the rainbow, including black and grey. It almost looked like a kid had gotten into the paint and splattered the page. There was a fair amount of blue and small areas of grey and black. Yellow and green filled the other areas, but the blue definitely dominated.
"That's Dean's scan," he said as he pulled out another photo and handed it to me. "That is a normal scan."
"Oh my God." I couldn't hold back the pain in my chest. The tears dropped slowly. On the normal scan, the perimeter of the brain was bright red, orange and yellow. As you traveled to the center, the colors were green, some blue, and a little purple. I understood why he chose to show me these rather than try to explain it, but this was almost too surreal for me to absorb. I dropped the scans onto the floor and ran out of the waiting room.
I didn't know where I was going to run to, but I needed to run. I found the door marked "Stairwell". I yanked open the heavy door and chose to run up rather than down. I burst through to the roof after climbing three flights. The sun had gone down, and the breeze had kicked up again. The night was clear and the air crisp. There was a running track up here for the staff to stay fit, since they practically lived here. I thought about running on it, but instead, headed for the ledge in the far corner.
I leaned over the low-lying wall and looked at the ground. Below I could still make out everything, so it wasn't that high, but high enough to kill someone if they jumped. I considered that for a moment, but then my kids' faces entered my mind. They were about to lose their father. They couldn't lose us both.
No, I would survive for them. Be strong for them. But for now, I would mourn in my own private hell, and hopefully, come out of this in one piece. I couldn't help Dean now. All I wanted to do was cry, yell, and curse the world for taking away my heart, the one organ that controlled my blood flow and my emotional stability. I sat up against the ledge with my head in my knees and cried for the loss of my other half. Someone I had betrayed only days earlier and whom I had re-vowed my love for only hours ago.
Chapter Twenty-One
College Years
Dean and I fell easily back into a relationship routine. We were getting ready to move out. Our new apartment was cozy to put it nicely, so all of us had to eliminate a lot of things. Kylie had agreed to Dean moving in with us. It was a little awkward, but I figured we were all having a fresh start. Dean was helping me pack since it took him all of two hours to pack his stuff.
"Len, what's this?"
I was mortified to see him holding the shoebox full of letters and pictures from Braedyn. As he rifled through it, his expression became bleaker.
"No, really, Len. What the fuck is this?"
"Can you please stop going through that?" I asked as I tried to grab it from him. This was going to get ugly.
"Not until you tell me what this is!" he yelled.
"It's a box full of letters and pictures, Dean. What does it look like?" I could yell, too.
"These are all from one person. From my friend."
He threw the box onto the floor, spilling its contents. A picture of Braedyn and me embracing and smiling at the camera fell right at his feet. Of course.
He picked it up and waved it at me.
"Is this what you were doing when we broke up, or was this during?"
"Are you kidding me right now? I never cheated on you, Dean. You were the cheater, remember?" I immediately regretted saying that.
"So much for being past that," he said coldly as he flung the picture at my feet and stormed out of my room. I was paralyzed for a few moments and then chased after him. He'd made it to his car.
"Dean, wait. I'm so
rry," I pleaded with him.
"For what, Lennox? For bringing up the past or for sleeping with my friend?"
That stung, and I didn't know how to answer because it was the truth, only one I wasn't ready to admit.
"Nice, Len. I don't want to know what happened, but having a box full of love letters and pictures from him still isn't right."
He got into his car, slammed the door, and sped off. I didn't know how to feel. I should have thrown that stuff away when we got back together and I tried, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready to let go of Braedyn yet. Dean had a right to be mad at me. I just didn't know what the anger and betrayal would do to us now. Our relationship has had so many ups and downs that it would break irreparably soon, but I didn't know how to mend this. I was in the wrong.
****
It was moving day and I hadn't heard from Dean, and he wasn't returning my phone calls. I was worried I had ruined things permanently this time. I followed Kylie the two hours to our new apartment in downtown Long Beach. The trip consisted of loud music and a lot of dazing. Thank God I wasn't leading because we would have probably ended up lost in the middle of the desert.
We got there just before lunch, so we unpacked the cars quickly so we could go eat. The last thing I brought in was a box that contained my journals and the shoebox. I knew I should have left it at my parents' house, but I thought when I was ready I could dispose of it, but before I could do that, I needed to read through the letters one last time. It was my process.
When I got into the apartment, Kylie tackled me with a ginormous hug. It knocked me over, and everything spilled out of the box.
"Seriously, Ky, I know you're excited, but if you kill me, I can't pay rent."
"Sorry." She laughed.
She started cleaning up the mess when she came across the spilled shoebox.
"Is this what I think it is?"
"Yes, and now can you kindly leave it alone? It's personal." I grabbed a letter from her hand and shoved it back inside the box with the other things. I brought it into my bedroom and threw it onto the bed. Kylie followed me in.
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