The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories

by Brina Courtney

  "Thank you." I walked over to Kylie and Turner and shook them awake gently.

  "Hey, girl, are you okay?" Kylie asked.

  I shrugged my shoulders and sat next to her. "It's bad, Kylie. It's really bad. I heard what the doctor said about Dean's injuries, but it didn't register until I saw him. He's unrecognizable."

  "He'll get better, Len. Give it a few weeks, and he'll look like the old Dean again."

  "I wanted to bring the kids to visit, but they can't see him like that." How was I going to keep them away for a few weeks? What if Dean didn't pull through, and they never got a chance to say goodbye? "You guys should go. I'm going to sleep on the recliner in Dean's room, and we aren't going to have any more news tonight. Go home and get some sleep."

  "Are you sure?" Kylie asked.

  "Yeah, I'll call you guys if I hear anything new. I promise." We all stood, and Kylie gave me another hard hug.

  "I'll bring you lunch tomorrow."

  "Sounds good."

  Turner gave me a gentle hug and said, "How about I take the dinner shift then?"

  "That sounds perfect." I smiled. I walked them to the elevator. Once they were gone, I wandered down to the baby ward.

  I knew it was weird, but the baby my husband risked his life, and possibly gave his life for, was there and I had this sick fixation on seeing her.

  When I got out of the elevator, I went straight to the nursery. This is where I had both of my kids, so I was very familiar with the maternity ward. It was quiet except for the distant cries of babies behind the closed doors. When I reached the viewing window, I wasn't surprised to see that there was only one baby in there. This hospital was private and exclusive for the most part.

  She looked only to be a few weeks old. She was beautiful. She could have been mistaken for one of my own. Her name was written on a banner attached to her bassinet, Lily. I felt so sorry for her. I knew she didn't understand what had happened, but she would never know who her mom and dad were or her sisters and brothers. She would see pictures of them, but never have the memory of their touch, laughter, and love. Would she be as broken as I was?

  "Lennox?"

  I turned to see a young nurse my age. It was the nurse who had helped deliver Lexus. "Julie, hi."

  "What are you doing here? Did someone you know have a baby?" She looked at Lily and back at me. "Oh no. Did you know Lily and her family?"

  "No, not exactly," I mumbled.

  "Is everything okay?" she asked, stepping closer.

  "Dean is here. He saved her life." I couldn't take my eyes off of Lily. I wanted to hate her. How evil was that? She was the reason Dean was here, but how could that be a newborn's fault?

  "Oh my God! Is he okay?"

  "No," was all I could say. What else could I say? He wasn't okay, and the odds were he wouldn't be. Even if he survived, he would never be the same again. No matter what happened I had lost my Dean in that fire.

  "I should go." I started to leave, but then I turned to her and asked, "Were they able to find any family to take her?"

  "Not yet. The social worker is still working on it, but from what I heard, both parents were only children and older, so no living grandparents."

  That was horrible. That little girl would never know her family if there was no one left connected to them. She would become a victim of the foster care system and be destined to a fate of broken dreams. Dean had saved a little girl who would probably be lost anyway. What a waste of two lives. "It was nice seeing you again, Julie."

  "You too, Lennox. I'll come by and visit when my shift is over in the morning."

  "I'd like that. Thank you." I walked back to the elevator and rode it up. I had become pretty close to Julie when I was here. Well, as close as you can get to a nurse who was in and out, but I was here an unusually long time due to complications I experienced, so when Dean couldn't be here, she spent a lot of time talking with me and playing cards. I really wish I had made more of an effort to stay in touch with her.

  I went back into Dean's room. The nurse had brought me a blanket and pillow. I made myself as comfortable as I could in the recliner and closed my eyes. Tomorrow would be better. I repeated that sentence over and over again until I finally faded.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Married Life

  It seemed like just yesterday we were moving into this apartment and now here we were packing up to move again. I had finished the first year as a transfer student, so I only had one more to go. Dean finished paramedic school a few months ago at the top of his class and was now applying to fire departments everywhere in the state. He got a job as an EMT in the meantime.

  We were getting married in a week, so we decided to get a small house on our own. We couldn't afford a place in the coastal area, so we moved a little farther inland to Garden Grove. I felt bad about kicking Kylie out, but I think she was ready to go. Dean and I weren't always the easiest to live with. We bickered a lot, and we were hermits. Kylie was not. She loved to party and had a habit of bringing the party home with her. Having strange guys in the apartment was weird, especially when Dean worked the night shift.

  Dean had already left to make a trip, and Kylie was still packing up her things in her room. She was moving back to her parents' house. I was cleaning, so we could get our deposit back. Right now I was vacuuming, the thing I hated the most. Every time I used the arm to clean up crumbs from the couch it would suck up a damn pillow and take twice as long. I pulled off all the pillows to get under the cushions. Hidden beneath was the letter from Braedyn I had stuffed under there when Dean came knocking on the door the night I was burning everything.

  I felt like I was looking a wolf in the eyes. I was paralyzed; I didn't know what to do. Did I throw it away, turn on the fireplace and burn it like I was supposed to a year ago, or read it? I think what had me stationary was that I knew what I was going to do, but my guilt was stalling me, hoping I would make another choice.

  I scooped up the letter and sat on the cushion-less couch. I turned the envelope over in my hands, memorizing the writing and drawings. He was always so good at sketching. He was also talented with words, yet another connection we shared. We both loved to write. Kylie's door opened, and she talked as she walked down the hall.

  "Okay, so I know these aren't my underwear so they must be yours..." her voice trailed off. She stopped behind the couch, no doubt noticing the letter. "What do you have there, Len?" she asked suspiciously.

  "I found it under the couch."

  "I thought you burned all that shit."

  "Dean interrupted my little burning ceremony before I was done, and I shoved it under the cushion. I totally forgot about it."

  "Yeah, obviously. You're not going to read it, are you?"

  "I would be lying if I said no." I sighed.

  "If that's what you need to do to get closure, then I'm all for it, but you better hurry before Dean gets back, and this time get rid of it."

  She got back up, dropping the panties in my lap.

  "Gross, Kylie. These are not mine." I threw them back at her.

  "Oh shit, really?" She started laughing.

  "I don't even want to know. I hope you never question why we are getting our own place."

  "No hard feelings, honey."

  She threw the undies back at me as she slammed her door. Sick bitch. I loved her, but I realized after living with her I only needed her in small doses. I had definitely overdosed on Kylie and was glad we were getting a little space.

  The letters Braedyn and I exchanged were not about your typical topics. We knew that our friendship had to be restrained, so instead of expressing our true feelings in the traditional way with traditional words, we had created a story. I guess I kind of started it. The letter he kept on his nightstand was the first story, and I had written it when I was losing my mind while Dean was on tour. It was a pretty bad episode, so I did what the therapist told me to do. I wrote. It was this dark fairytale about a girl conflicted with a gift that drove her mad, an
d then she met someone who taught her how to control it. I had written it before I met Braedyn, and when I came across it, I thought it was so surreal how it paralleled the effect he had on me, so I sent it to him with no explanation. Then, it started this strange chain of scenes between us. He would write one then I would write the next and so on. If we were ever together, the letters would make this beautiful and dark love story. The letter I now held in my hand was the conclusion. It was fitting that I had written the beginning and that he had written the ending. The girl got a fairy-tale ending, but only after many of her loved ones suffered immense pain. She had to make a choice that had no winners in either direction. Fate stepped in and made the choice for her, leaving her the broken one in the end.

  I didn't want that to be our ending. It was difficult to read again. It tore my heart to pieces. Fate didn't decide for us; Braedyn had. I put the letter back inside the envelope. I wasn't ready to throw it away. I knew that then, and I knew it now. I went to my bedroom and stuffed the envelope inside my school bag.

  ****

  Present

  I went home in the morning to shower. Being home was hard. This was mine and Dean's home, and he was everywhere. He was in photos, in the cabinets he helped build, in the TV room snuggling on the couch with the kids. This house was him, and it wouldn't be home without him. I walked up to the bedroom and turned on the shower. I caught a glance of the prescription bottle in the trash can. The timing for throwing those away couldn't have been more ironic. I considered pulling them out and taking one, but I thought about the kids and knew I had the strength to live without meds now.

  As I undressed and threw the clothes into the hamper, I could smell Dean in all his clothes. It was the same scent that he had when we first met that made my mouth water. He had a mesmerizing fragrance. I closed my eyes and let it fill my nostrils and imprint in my mind. I wanted to remember every part of him.

  As I showered, I couldn't help but think that he was being punished for my indiscretions. I knew that was illogical, but I believed in fate and karma, so it wasn't totally off base. But for him to suffer because of me? But, really, I was the one suffering, too. I would carry this on my shoulders until the day I died, and I quite possibly deserved it. I had to find redemption somewhere if I was going to ever live again.

  I needed to unleash some of the feelings I had been concealing. I went to my laptop and fired it up. I needed to write. I stared blankly at the screen as it booted up. When it was ready, I logged into the blog I had created. It was for me. At some point, I would be ready to share it with the world, but for now, it was my release.

  Dean's scent in the house had reminded me of his graduation day from the academy. It was an arduous road, and we had spent a lot of time away from each other, but he was finally done, and I was so proud of him. He had made his dream come true. He never gave up fighting for it, and there I sat on the cold metal folding chairs with the sun beating down on me watching as he and his classmates from the academy were pinned by their fathers on graduation day.

  When I hugged him after the ceremony, I inhaled his scent deeply. I could feel his hardened biceps from the intense workouts they succumbed to in their training. His body transformed, as did he. He seemed fulfilled, which in turn, made me happy. He was my life.

  Later that night, there was a reception dinner for the graduates and their wives. It was held in a beautiful indoor/outdoor ballroom of a hotel on the beach. The salty air filled the room as we danced, drank, and laughed. The camaraderie was unique to the hard and sometimes dark lifestyles of these men and their wives.

  We all knew the secret the world only thought they knew, and here I was ready to reveal it all for the sake of my sanity, but this was how I expressed myself. I was a quiet and closed-off person, but on the page, I was free. I was the Lennox I always wanted to be, but feared. So, I typed feverishly, letting my fears fade. Therapy was now in session.

  ****

  Married Life

  Our wedding was beautiful and simple. We only invited close friends and family, so it was small, but memorable. Some thought we were too young to get married, but I was twenty-three and Dean was twenty-four, and we already had a house. Plus, we had been together for seven years. It's not like we rushed into this. Everyone was very supportive, and we were both loved on both sides, so that gossip fizzled out pretty quickly.

  We went to Greece for our honeymoon. It was the one place I had always wanted to travel, and it didn't disappoint. It was breathtaking. We went to the city of Oia on the island of Santorini that boasted the prettiest sunsets in the world. A photographer captured the most romantic picture of us. We were standing on the rocks with the mountains behind us and the ocean somewhere below. The photographer caught us in an intimate moment of love and protection as the sun set behind us. Describing it just didn't do it justice.

  When we got back from our month-long excursion, we settled into our new home nicely. Dean got hired onto the LA city fire department and was absent a lot for the academy. I finished up my last year and got my bachelor's degree in journalism with a minor in creative writing. I started working freelance for a local online magazine. It was fun and easy, and it gave me time to write my own stuff. I thought about Braedyn from time to time, but it became less as the years passed.

  Kylie crashed at the house a lot when Dean wasn't around. She said it was to keep me company, but I knew it was because she was getting over living with her parents. As she should be. She was twenty-four years old, but she still hadn't matured or settled into anything stable. She was a free spirit and probably always would be. She was lucky I liked her as much as I did.

  I had lived in a pretty stable fairy-tale bubble since we got married. From the outside, we had the perfect little life and marriage, and I guess we kind of did. I hadn't had any episodes for years. I was tempted to stop taking my pills; my therapist wasn't a fan of that plan, but she did lower the doses.

  Lately, I had been having some cramping and pain in the area of my ovaries, so I finally made an appointment with my doctor. I hated going to the doctor, not because I was scared, but because it always seemed to be a giant waste of gas, time, and money. Everything was either a virus that antibiotics couldn't help or a passing pain that would heal on its own. I drove the thirty minutes to my favorite childhood doctor with a chip on my shoulder. Dean was at work or else he would have come.

  We had been talking about the possibility of starting a family, but neither one of us was totally sold on the idea. I think we still needed time to decide if that was what we wanted.

  As I sat in the sterile doctor's office after getting dressed from my exam, I remembered how terrified I was as a little girl coming here to get shots, yet here I was voluntarily. I loved my doctor. He was older now, in his sixties, but he was a funny short man who always went out of his way for me.

  Someone knocked on the door. "Come in," I said as my doctor shuffled in.

  "It seems you are having an extreme ovulation."

  I knew it! A big waste of fucking time. "I didn't realize there were levels of ovulation, so good to know."

  "Have you ever experienced one before?"

  "Not like this, but I guess they have been getting worse."

  "And you said you are only getting your period every four months or so?"

  "Yeah, but it's been like that ever since I stopped taking the pill over two years ago. I just figured that my body was still adjusting."

  "It doesn't take two years for your body to adjust. Maybe two months or a few more, but not two years. Why did you stop the pill? Are you trying to get pregnant?"

  "No. Well, I don't know, but that's not why I stopped the pill. I just don't like taking pills, so I stopped. Exactly what does extreme ovulation mean?"

  "It means that your body is having a hard time ovulating. It's irregular and you probably aren't dropping eggs every ovulation, so when you do, you experience the extreme ovulation, which can be very painful for several days."

  "Yes, I kn
ow. Not fun."

  "Lennox, are you and Dean considering having kids?"

  I wasn't expecting to have a baby consultation today. "We've talked about it briefly, but we aren't really sure if we want any."

  "Huh."

  "Huh, what? Is there something wrong?" I was starting to get worried, but I wasn't sure why. After my miscarriage, I had been pretty turned off to the idea of being pregnant again.

  "You're still young, Lennox, but you're not functioning normally, so the longer you wait the less likely it will happen naturally. Of course, we won't be sure until we run some tests, but I think you and Dean should talk about it sooner rather than later."

  I was starting to feel the familiar fog fill my head that hadn't visited for years. The panic was weighing on my chest, and my heart was aching. I didn't understand the emotions I was having over something I didn't even know if I wanted, but now that fate was trying to take away my option, I was suffocating.

  "Lennox, are you okay?" He grabbed onto my shoulder gently.

  "Yeah, I'm fine," I said as I tried to shake it off until I was in the privacy of my own home. "I'll talk to Dean the next day he's home."

  "Great and then schedule an appointment with the OB/GYN to discuss your options."

  "Okay, thanks." I slid off the table and left the office in a daze.

  As I drove home, I thought about what the doctor had said. If we waited, children might not be an option, if it even was now. There were no guarantees at this point. This was my punishment for the miscarriage. For getting pregnant when I was sixteen and then not taking care of myself to be able to care for the pregnancy.

  Every mile I drove I could feel myself sinking deeper. I knew there was hell to pay when this one hit me. I was just hoping I could hold it off until I got home. At least there I could take a few pills to dissipate the sting a bit. Dean wouldn't be home for a few days, so I would be riding this one out alone.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Present

  On my way back to the hospital, I couldn't stop thinking about baby Lily. It made me sad that she had no one. It made me miss my own kids. I wanted things to go on as normal for them as possible, so they were at school. I had planned on picking them up and spending the evening with them. I needed to tell them about Dean too before they found out at school. They were still so young that the likelihood was low, but I wanted to make sure they heard it from me. How much I was going to tell them was still to be determined.