I was still conflicted with how I felt, but it was because there were things I wanted to do before I had kids, but also because of my mood swings caused by my depression.
When the doctor sucked Drew out with the vacuum and didn't ask Dean to cut the cord, we knew it was bad. Later, I found out the cord was wrapped around his neck twice, and he wasn't breathing. I didn't even get to hold him. They had quickly put him on the little table, suctioned him, and rushed him to the NICU. The torture I felt not being able to move while the doctor patched me up was indescribable. My only choice was to close my eyes and imagine the worst.
After what seemed like an eternity, Dean came back. I was pretty out of it from the epidural, but anxious to hear how my baby was doing. I started crying as soon as I saw his face. It wasn't the glowing face of a proud new daddy that everyone expects. He looked worn, and his eyes were raw. If my heart could jump out of my chest and run away, it would have.
"How bad is it, Dean?" I was audibly shaken. He didn't answer. "Dean, you have to tell me the truth!"
"He's okay now, Len," he whispered as he took my hand in his. "He's going to be okay."
"What happened? I don't understand. No one will tell me anything." You could hear the hysterics in the varied decibels of my voice.
"He wasn't positioned correctly. He was sideways, so he got stuck. That's why you couldn't push him out. When the doctor finally got him out, the umbilical cord was wound around his neck twice, which is uncommon since it's not very long. It was strangling him." His words broke up as he tried to choke back tears. He was reliving the worst moments of our life. He continued when he regained composure.
"There wasn't time for me to cut the cord. He was turning blue from the lack of oxygen. He was barely alive, Len. We almost lost him." He couldn't hold it in anymore. He leaned over and hid his face in my chest as he broke down.
I caressed his head and tried to offer what little comfort I could as I, myself, tried to hold it together. "But he's okay now, right?" I pleaded. His silence was unnerving. "Dean, you said he was fine now? Is there something else?"
He looked up, and I knew that things weren't all peaches and cream now. Something else was going on. Something wasn't right.
"The doctor had to use a lot of force with the vacuum to get him out. It left a lot of bruising and swelling on his head."
"Okay, but it'll go away, right?" My body was tensing up as I waited to hear his response. All I wanted was to have a healthy baby. All anyone wants is to have a perfect baby. Was this my punishment for being indecisive about having kids?
"They are worried about the size of the swelling, so they are going to do a head scan to see if there's swelling on the brain."
How do you breathe after hearing that? I couldn't. "I don't understand. Why is this happening?" I sobbed.
"Listen to me, Len. He's going to be okay. No matter what, he's our baby. Just breathe. Stay with me, please."
He needed me as much as I needed him right now, and he was afraid I would succumb to the darkness and leave him alone with this burden. I wouldn't because leaving him meant leaving our son and that I would never do. "I won't. I promise."
He kissed my forehead.
"When will we have the results?" I needed to focus on the details to stay grounded.
"I'm not sure. They wanted him to be stable for a few hours before they did anything," he said as he soaked up his tears with his sleeve.
"But he is stable?" I questioned cautiously.
"Yes, he's good now. It took them several tries to get an IV started, but as soon as they did, he started coming around."
I was still in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening. I wanted to throw a fucking rock at the TV for showing so many perfect births. Media was a fucking joke!
After I calmed down, my body started convulsing uncontrollably, and I started dry heaving. Dean hollered for the nurse who ran in immediately. They held me on my side, so I wouldn't choke on my own bile. Dean held onto me so I wouldn't fall out of bed.
Tears streamed down my face in place of words. The nurse took my temperature. It was 105. She rushed out and back in with the doctor who shot something into my IV. He said it was for the fever causing the tremors.
Once the drugs kicked in, my muscles relaxed. Dean had helped the nurse clean me up. He was used to this type of thing and even worse because of his line of work, so watching someone else do it for his wife was out of the question. He didn't leave my side until he knew I was better.
With my encouragement, he checked on Drew. He was doing much better. They had to bottle-feed him because I had to wait twenty-four hours after my fever to feed him. The hardest thing about it was that they wouldn't let me see him either. The first few hours are the most crucial for bonding, and I was being denied that.
The twenty-four hours passed, and I finally got to meet my son and provide him with the basic necessities, food and love. Holding Drew in my arms for the first time was like taking an eraser to a whiteboard of the last twenty-four hours. It was just he and I, and nothing else mattered. I was in love with my son, and I knew that I would never be alone again.
We were relieved when the head scan came back normal, so as far as we knew, we had a perfect little family. We just had to fight a little harder for it than most.
****
Present
It was strange how the roles were reversed now. I was taking care of Dean in the same hospital, only we all left together before. I wasn't so sure that this would have the same happy ending. A siren beeped suddenly, startling me. His nurse ran in and checked it. Unsatisfied, she pressed a button, and a moment later, the room filled with a doctor and more nurses with a crash cart.
I backed out of the way, reluctantly trying to understand what was happening. When they took out the defibrillator, I lost it. I fell back in the chair and bent over and cried. I must have been screaming because one of the nurses came over to check on me. I pushed her off. "Please just save him."
I thought Drew's birth was the worst moment of my life, but this was easily comparable. I was losing half of me and didn't quite know if a person could survive that way. The room was so loud with chaos I had to plug my ears to block it out. I even hummed a little song Dean had made for Drew when he was born. I was slowly losing it and then a hand touched my back and saved me from the darkness.
"Mrs. Ashford, he's okay."
I wanted to yell at her because it was a lie. They might have saved him now, but he wasn't okay. He was far from it, and so was I. The nurses left the room with the cart, and the doctor came and sat next to me.
"Hi, my name is Dr. Nelson."
"Hi," I said through broken words. I attempted to recover from my breakdown.
"Today is Dr. Griffin's day off, but I will give him a call and let him know what happened."
"Okay."
"I know I'm not Dean's regular doctor, but can I be frank?" he asked softly.
"Yes." I braced myself for the next sentence.
"I reviewed his chart earlier, and he hasn't improved since he was brought in. His body is physically healing, but he's not healing mentally. His heart stopping is an indication of it wearing down. I believe it's only a matter of time."
I just stared at his lips. I heard what he said, but I didn't want to believe him, and I didn't respond.
He got up and walked to the door, but before he exited, he said, "I'm sorry."
My focus went to Dean, and my heart burst. I could feel the blood spilling out and drowning all my veins. It was crying internally for the loss my family was about to endure. Suddenly, I realized I hadn't had the chance to confess my sins to him. I needed him to know everything. Not just so I could try to live with myself for committing them, but because I believed in my soul that he could hear me, and he would forgive me.
I scooted my chair over to his side. I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. I wanted to kiss his lips, but that stupid tube was still in his mouth. Dammit Dean. I sat down and tried to find
the words to start what would be my last confession to him.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Weekend
After the Rock Band antics, I felt like I was hiding for my life on the estate property, only I was hiding to save my marriage. I always had a weakness for Braedyn, and I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to resist him, so avoidance seemed like the best option since I was essentially trapped here. I found a private nook in the back area. Jaxon probably used it to seduce his female guests.
It was an outside four-poster bed with a beautiful lightweight fabric enclosure. Perfect for hiding a person inside. The sheets were a vintage pattern to match the overall theme of the vineyard. I crawled into the luxurious cave and threw the throw blanket over me. The view was of the expansive vineyard backing up to a set of hills. There was a sliver of a crescent moon giving the stars a chance to boast their magnificence. Unlike in the city or even the suburbs, you could actually see every star clearly. This is exactly what I needed to help calm me since I didn't have my medication.
I felt guilty being in the same house as Braedyn. Hell, I felt guilty being in the same state as him. It felt wrong. Unfortunately, that meant that my feelings for him never died or even faded. There wouldn't be guilt if I saw him as just another person.
I let out a frustrated sigh. What was it going to take to detox my mind of him? More importantly, detox my soul?
One of the great mysteries of life is trying to understand the invisible connection that travels between certain people. The same connection I shared with Braedyn, but wish I had with Dean. You know the feeling when you're near someone and it starts off as little sparklers like the ones you used to run around with as a kid, and then when you touch, you set off a mind-blowing set of fireworks. It bypasses your heart and goes straight to your center where your core resides.
After all the years and after his sudden departure from my life, I didn't understand why he could still affect me the way he did. I was married now. Maybe not happily, but I made a promise. A promise that I never imagined I would break.
Braedyn and I shared a moment that weekend we first met. One I had successfully buried until now. It was bubbling at the surface of my long-term memory trying to burst out. As much as I didn't want to remember, it broke through.
****
College Years
After the show, we went back to the house. I think I had more fun than usual because Braedyn was there. I hated admitting my connection with him, but Dean and I were on the way out and I was ready to feel again, and this was a feeling I had never experienced with such intensity before. Everyone disappeared to shower and crash for the night. I wasn't tired yet, so I sat outside by the pool and enjoyed the fresh air. Insomnia was always taunting me. I heard footsteps behind me, and then Braedyn sat down in the lounge chair next to me.
"Can't sleep either?" he asked.
"Nope." My body was buzzing to life now like a group of fireflies disturbed out of sleep.
"I hate insomnia."
"I've learned to stop fighting it. It seems to help if I just sit outside and meditate for a while."
"Do you mind if I try it with you?"
"Not at all," I responded, but I knew this was not going to help relax me. My insides were jumping with excitement. We sat quietly for a few minutes until he broke the silence.
"Dean told me about your depression."
My body tensed. I was pissed and felt betrayed. No one knew about that except for him, Kylie, and my parents. It was a dark secret I cherished and would never easily share with anyone.
"I'm sure you didn't want him telling anyone, but the reason why I'm bringing it up is because I suffer from it too, so if you ever need someone to talk to..."
I couldn't believe it. Was this why I felt such a deep connection with him? Was it because our brains were wired in the same messed up way? I had never met anyone with the same affliction as me, mainly because I avoided talking about it. All I could say was, "Okay, thanks," but what I really wanted was to talk about everything I had ever felt when I had entered the darkness to see if he felt the same way too, but I was still hesitant. I was scared he would judge me and think I was crazy.
"You know I've never told anyone. You're the first. Only my parents know. Not even my brothers."
"Really? You never told a girlfriend?"
"I figured once I fell in love I would tell her, but I've never felt that way about someone."
An internal smile lit up. It was sad that he had never been in love, but I was the first person he had told, and it made me feel special. "I find it hard to believe you've never been in love."
"I've loved, but I never felt that deep connection that goes beyond the superficial feelings. Until now."
I froze. What was he saying? Was he talking about me? I was having a hard time processing his words.
"I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. I know you're with Dean, but I didn't want to regret not telling you. I've never felt like this about someone, and maybe it's because we share the same dark secret, but something tells me it's more than that. I know the timing isn't right, but I wanted you to know so if the timing was ever right, you might consider giving me a chance."
Holy shit! This was nuts! I have never been this honest with anyone in my life and here he was laying it all out.
"Your silence is a little disconcerting."
"I'm sorry. I'm just still processing everything. I'm not used to this kind of thing." I started picking around my nails. I was so nervous.
"Are you mad?"
"No, not all. I just don't know how to respond." I was terrified to look into his eyes. I knew I would be lost, and my relationship with Dean would be over, something I wasn't ready to decide on yet.
"Don't say anything. I don't want to be the one to break up your relationship with Dean. I just needed to say it. Do you want to talk about the depression? I've never really talked to anybody about the episodes."
"You don't see a therapist?"
"No, why? Do you?"
"Yeah, but I don't take medication. I don't like how drugs make me feel."
"I'm the same way."
We sat outside and talked all night until the sun rose. We exchanged stories about the triggers for our episodes and the dark feelings we shared when consumed by them. There were things that I told him that I wouldn't even tell my therapist. It was oddly refreshing that he had the same issues as me. Not that I would wish them upon even my worst enemy, but I was glad he shared this piece of himself with me. The raw connection we had went deeper than any bond could go. I knew I was doomed. That Dean I and were doomed. He didn't stand a chance.
****
Weekend
Dammit! The memory resurfaced. It made me love and hate Braedyn all over again. Love him for our shared secret and hate him for ditching me. I needed to know why now. I needed to understand why when the moment was right and I gave him a chance like he asked for, why he walked away and never looked back. I thought that the letter I left him would have at least gotten a response from him, but nothing. He faded like the fog burning off in the mid-afternoon sun.
I chewed on the skin around my nails as I tried to decide what my next move was. I could go to sleep and just make a clean break, or I could confront him and finally find out what the fuck he was thinking. I didn't have to make a rash decision. Fate decided for me. Braedyn pulled back the curtain.
"Can we talk?" he asked nervously.
He should be nervous. I was one wrong word from kicking his ass.
"I guess we should talk. That is if you aren't going to run away again like a coward." Yep, I totally went there. I was pissed, and this was my moment of vindication. I planned on getting it all out.
"I guess I deserved that." He sat on the edge of the bed.
"You guess? Let me make it clearer for you. You deserved it and a lot more, but I'll hear you out first." I crossed my arms like my pouting four-year-old.
"Where do you want me to start?"
That was a good questi
on. "Why did you keep the letter on your nightstand? Out of all the ones I had written you, why that one?"
He thought about it for a minute. "It was the most honest you had ever been with me."
"I wrote it when I was having a breakdown."
"I know. Even though others would think it was nonsense, I knew exactly what you were saying. It was the most connected I felt to you."
Shit! I was in trouble. This wasn't where I was anticipating our closure moment going. I had to be strong for Dean and the kids. This would ruin us. "What about the last letter I wrote you? How could you not respond to that?" The next thing he did completely surprised me.
"You mean this?" he asked as he pulled the letter out of his pocket.
It was a fuck my life moment. This just kept getting worse. He kept the letter all this time. "You mean to tell me you just happened to have it with you this weekend?"
"No, I have had it with me every day since you left."
Picture me pounding my head in my knees over and over again, only I couldn't because he was sitting in front of me. I was in trouble. So much trouble. With every word he uttered, I was losing willpower. "Do you expect me to believe that?"
"After what I did, I don't expect you to believe anything, but I needed to tell you the truth, which is why I contacted Kylie."
Another bombshell! This was all a setup. What the fuck was she thinking? "You and Kylie set this up?" I wasn't hiding my anger anymore.
"Well, to be fair, you set this up. It was just an opportunity for me to see you. Alone."
"You mean away from Dean and my kids. This is wrong Braedyn, and you know it."
"I'm not asking you to break one of the Ten Commandments, Lennox. I'm asking for you to give me a chance to explain, so we can both move on."
It shouldn't have, but that stung. He wasn't looking for another chance. He was looking for closure. Something I thought I wanted until now. "Okay, then. Here's your chance. Go," I said harshly.
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 291