"I was a coward. I let the guys dictate how I treated the situation instead of following my gut."
"What do you mean 'the guys'? What did they tell you?" I had taken a pillow and hugged it protectively in front of me. I was now squeezing the stuffing out of it.
"Don't take it wrong. Everyone liked you, but they weren't okay with me hooking up with Dean's girl."
"Ex-girl."
"It didn't matter, Len. It's that whole stupid guy code thing, and I was too immature to go against it."
"Fine. That explains some of it, but it doesn't explain the way you did it. Knowing how that would affect someone with our problem, you should have handled it differently, with more care, Braedyn." I could feel the tears coming. I dug my face into the pillow and muttered, "You ruined me."
"I'm so sorry, Lennox."
And I knew he was. His voice cracked with the same pain I was enduring.
"Nothing I say right now can take back the years of pain I have caused you, but you have to know that I thought about you every day. I loved you every day. I still love you. My gift to you was staying away, so you could make a life with Dean and have a family and be happy, but you have no idea how hard it was to stay away. To hear about your engagement, your marriage, and then your kids. I knew I had lost you when you created a beautiful family. It broke me."
So stupid. All of this was stupid. All the years of surviving for him to say he loved me the entire time. What was he doing? What did he think this would accomplish? It was killing me to hear this. It would have been easier to hear that he just didn't feel it so he walked away. Why couldn't he have just lied? That would have been a gift!
"I can't do this, Braedyn." I scooted off of the bed on the opposite side of where he was sitting and walked away. I could feel the panic in my chest and everything ached. Twelve years was just shoved into five minutes, and I couldn't wrap my head around what it all meant.
"Lennox, wait!" he yelled after me.
I spun around to show him the pain he had caused yet again. "I waited Braedyn. I waited for this moment to happen for years, but then I let go. I let go of you. It's too late." I turned back around, ready to finally say goodbye, but he wouldn't let me.
He grabbed my hand softly and spun me back around. He looked into my soul as he caressed my cheek, giving me the opportunity to walk away from what was about to happen. I looked down, wanting to do the right thing, but my heart couldn't fight it anymore. I had dreamed of this moment ever since that unforgettable night together. If I didn't indulge it, I would live with the regret for the rest of my life, but I also knew if I did it, I would live with another type of regret. Either way I lost, so I let go and let him carry me to a place I never thought would exist again.
He turned my lips up to his, and after a long moment of torturing anticipation, he kissed me with twelve years of love. Our souls had finally found each other again and danced like shooting stars chasing each other in the night sky. I wanted to live in that moment forever, but I couldn't. It was a dream long lost, and I had given my life to Dean when I said I do, and I would honor that until the end of days. Forever meant something more to me than this moment.
I pushed away from him. This was my choice. Fate had finally stepped aside and had given it to me. "Goodbye, Braedyn." I walked back to the house without looking back. I called a taxi and went back to the hotel by myself. I was proud of myself for having enough strength to walk away, but I still had betrayed Dean, and I would have to learn to live with that. I would have to find a way.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Present
I sat there and told Dean everything as he lay helpless, not being able to yell at me or walk away. I didn't leave anything out from the second I met Braedyn to the day I finally made a choice. I had finally stolen my soul back from Braedyn and given it to Dean. He now possessed all of me and would die with it. I would never give myself to anyone else again.
It was Dean's forever, as it should have been all along. A twisted fate had taken a piece of my happiness that couldn't be revived with time. It would be buried in the soul of the one it rightfully belonged to.
I was scared to leave. I didn't want him to die alone. I called my parents and asked them to bring the kids. They needed to have a chance to say goodbye. It needed to be their choice. I called his parents and Kylie, too. I felt empty inside. Something had taken over so I could perform the necessary duties. I had Kylie call Turner, so he could inform the station.
As I waited for the long line of tears, condolences, and goodbyes to start, I decided to lie next to Dean one last time. I carefully crawled into the bed and rested my head on his chest. I listened to his weak heartbeat as the machine forced air into his lungs moving my head up and down with his chest. I quietly listened to the life that artificially filled his body. I knew this would be the last time I ever felt his warm body this close to mine again. His hospital gown grew wet with my tears as I whimpered into his chest.
A knock forced me to look up and collect myself. It was Dr. Cole.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I was hoping to talk to you for a minute."
"Of course," I said as I carefully climbed off of the bed. I sat in my chair and gave the doctor as much of my attention as I could.
"I know Dr. Nelson filled you in a little bit, but we need to discuss what you want to do in case Dean holds on physically while mentally he shuts down."
"I don't understand. What are you asking me to do?"
"He doesn't have a DNR... Sorry, a do not resuscitate order, so we are required by law to keep saving him and keep him on life support unless otherwise told not to by you."
"Again, what are you asking me to do?" I was irritated and hurt, and I didn't want to know what he was telling me.
"You need to decide if you're going to let him live out the rest of his life in a vegetative state hooked up to machines, or if you want to shut everything down and let him die peacefully."
"I have to what? I have to decide whether he lives or dies? Are you crazy? How can anyone make that choice?"
"I understand why you're upset, but you have to understand that according to modern technology, Dean is already gone."
That was it. That sentence killed me. Dean is already gone. "His soul is still alive and his heart is still beating, so don't tell me he is gone. A person isn't just defined by their mental state, they are merely a victim of it." How true those words rang with me!
"You don't need to decide now, but if there's a chance you might want to, then the sooner the better so all of you can move on. We can also harvest his organs to help save other lives."
And with that, he left the room. He dropped a ball and then left me to pick up the pieces from what it broke when it hit the floor. I had made Dean a promise that I would never let him live like this, but how could I be the one to take his life? I was living inside a never-ending nightmare that just kept getting worse. Another knock came from the door.
"Sweetie?"
It was my mom. I jumped up and hugged her tightly. There was never a moment I needed her more. She held me and stroked my hair as I cried.
She whispered into my ear, "I'm here, honey. Shhh. Mommy's here."
It was so weird to hear her say that when I was thirty-two years old, but in this moment, she was my mom and I was her broken baby.
"The kids are with Dad just outside."
I pulled away and nodded in understanding. "Just give me a minute to clean myself up."
"Okay, sweetie."
She went out into the hallway, and I went into the bathroom to splash water on my face. I hadn't worn makeup since the accident, so some water was as good as it was going to get. I walked outside of the room and found the kids running around the waiting room. My parents hadn't told them anything, so they were still in good spirits thinking they were finally going to see their dad awake and talking about his adventure, at least that's what Drew kept saying.
When they saw me, they tackle-hugged each leg.
"Mommy, is Daddy awake?" Lexus asked.
I picked her up. "No, honey. He's asleep right now, but I wanted to talk to you guys really quick before we go in. Let's sit down." I carried Lexus with me, and Drew held onto my leg as we took a seat, Lexus on top of me and Drew next to me.
"Daddy is having a hard time breathing, so he has a tube in his mouth that's blowing air inside of his lungs, which are right here." I tickled Lexus' ribs. "It might look a little weird or even a little scary, but I promise it's helping Daddy."
Drew spoke up. "Why isn't he awake?"
I didn't want to lie, but telling him the truth scared me. "Well, when he hit his head, he went to sleep and he hasn't woken up yet."
"When is he going to wake up?" he pressed.
"I don't know, sweetie. I don't know." I put my arm around him and squeezed him in tight to my side. "But just remember that, no matter what, he loves you guys more than anything else in this world and even though he's asleep he can still hear you, so please tell him anything you want. Especially how much you love him."
"Okay, Mommy," Lexus said cheerfully.
She had no idea what was going on because of her age. I envied her innocence. Drew, however, knew that something was wrong, and he got very quiet.
"Okay, let's go." I stood up with Lexus still in my arms and grabbed Drew's hand that he accepted protectively. I kept reminding myself that I needed to be their strength.
I shuffled them into the room and closed the door. My parents came in, but hung in the back to give us some privacy. Neither of the kids said anything when they saw Dean. "See, it's Daddy." They still remained quiet. I was failing at this. I didn't know what to do. My dad went over to the breathing machine.
"Hey, guys, come here," he whispered to them.
They both walked over to him.
"This is the machine that's helping your dad breathe. It's called a ventilator. Isn't that cool?"
I was never so grateful for my dad than in this moment. He started showing them everything in the room. They were responding and getting more comfortable. Drew even went over to Dean's side and touched his hand as I had been doing. A little stab of pain hit my heart hard. Watching this scene play out made it all too real. I just never imagined this would be in our future when we were building a life together.
****
Parents
Lexus' birth was less dramatic, but her pregnancy took an incredible toll on my sanity and our marriage. Things had been so good with just the three of us. I wasn't sold on having another one, but Dean was pretty set on not having an only child. His main concern was decades in the future when we were gone. He didn't want Drew to be alone. I understood, but I had gotten in such a good routine with Drew that to disrupt it was less than desirable. He was in preschool a couple of days a week, so I even had time to exercise and write again.
In the end, I lost the battle because I felt guilty. I didn't want Drew to be by himself either. Plus, I wanted the tension between Dean and me to end. We had started bickering more since Drew was born, and this had added to it.
It took me a while to get pregnant with Lexus. Almost a year. I could tell it depressed Dean, and I honestly wondered if it was my body reacting to my indifference. I think Dean even blamed me for it. Once I got pregnant, things went on as usual until I was six months along.
"Hey, Dean, can you come up here?" I yelled from upstairs. He was downstairs feeding Drew. A minute later he appeared in the doorway and saw the panic on my face. He ran to my side. I was sitting on a chair in our bedroom.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm leaking a clear fluid and having a lot of cramping."
"Shit, I'll call your parents to take Drew. We need to get to the hospital."
He rushed out of the room. I think I was in shock. I spent so much time not wanting this that now that I was faced with possibly losing it I couldn't fathom the idea of not having it. Was it my fault for not bonding with it yet? I didn't even know what I was having. We had decided to be surprised this time. I started shivering as my veins filled with guilt and pumped through my heart.
Dean came back and helped me to the car when my parents got there. I gave Drew a long hug and promised I would be back soon. He was so frightened. On the drive to the hospital, we barely spoke. Dean gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white. I knew he was just worried, but he rarely got unhinged, so he was making me nervous.
At the hospital, they hooked me up to a baby monitor machine and checked me. They discovered I was in early labor, but I hadn't lost very much fluid, so they gave me a shot to stop the labor and some IV fluids. It was a stressful few hours, and it gave us both flashbacks of being here with Drew's birth. We didn't need any more drama surrounding our kids.
The one good thing that came out of these events was it added to the bond Dean and I already had. We had been through so much together that anything we encountered was worth fighting for. While our bond strengthened, our love for each other seemed to dim. We had become so focused on the kids, and with him always at work to pay for everything, it was bound to get in the way. The days he was home consisted of him doing things that needed to be fixed around the house, playing with the kids, and then sleeping. It was vicious cycle void of time alone or energy.
****
Present
Once the kids were at ease, I encouraged them to take turns talking to Dean.
"Lexus, why don't you go first? Tell Daddy what you did at school today." I put her up on the end of the bed.
She crossed her legs and said, "Okay," excitedly. "We made a butterfly garden, and Mrs. Ellis says there will be butterflies soon."
I held back tears as I listened to Lexus tell him all about the butterflies and her friends. Once she got started, she was hard to stop. I wanted to believe Dean could hear her sweet little voice. That some part of him was still fighting to come back. "Okay, sweetie. Let's give Drew a turn now." I left her on the bad.
Drew walked up close to his head and said, "Hi, Dad."
He got quiet for a minute, so I wasn't sure he was going to say anything else, but then he did.
"I had a bad dream a few weeks ago."
I flashed back to the night he came to me when I was outside. He had a nightmare, but wouldn't tell me about it. I listened carefully curious as to why he would choose to tell Dean about a nightmare that happened several weeks ago.
"You got hurt."
My heart stopped, and I covered my mouth to keep from making any sounds.
"You got really hurt, and you died."
I couldn't keep it together. The tears streamed quietly down my face as I listened.
"Are you going to die, Daddy? Like in my dream?"
He looked at me for an answer that I didn't have right now.
My mom jumped in. "Darling, he's trying really hard to come back to us, okay?"
He nodded his head in acceptance. He pushed himself up and kissed Dean's cheek. He whispered something into his ear that we couldn't hear. His last shared secret with his daddy. He walked over and hugged me.
"I'm ready to go, Mommy."
"Okay, sweetie." I wanted to stay with Dean, but I knew our kids needed me, so I took them home and did whatever I could that would make things feel like normal. After I tucked them in for the night, I poured myself a much-needed glass of wine and grabbed our wedding album. I flipped through the pages remembering the day as if it had just happened. I cried, laughed, and fell in love with Dean all over again. I hated myself for ever second guessing it. I hated myself for wasting years with unhappiness. I hated Dean for leaving me before I could get a chance to tell him how much I loved him. I wanted a second chance for us. I just wanted us.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Weekend
When I went back to my hotel room, I took a Zofran to counteract the nausea all the alcohol was causing. Or was it from my encounter with Braedyn? I was proud of myself for being strong enough to walk away, but at the same time, I was disappointed. I had wanted to b
e with him again for so long, and the second the opportunity presented itself, I cowered back into my pathetic married life cage. I wish I had more of a free spirit like Kylie. Just once.
I desperately needed a glass of ice water, so I grabbed the ice bucket and headed to the door. When I opened it, Braedyn was there. We locked eyes, and I became paralyzed with fear and determination. For a moment I had regretted not giving into my heart, and now I had a chance to redeem myself.
"You shouldn't be here. I'm married, Braedyn. To Dean. I tortured myself about this moment for far too long, and now that it's here, I realize I'm not that person. I'm not the woman who is so unhappily married she cheats on her husband. I'm not that person, and I won't be."
"You're right, Len. You've never been that person, which is why I fell in love with you and your heart. It was wrong for me to come here." He walked down the hall a few steps, and without turning around, he muttered, "I'm sorry," and then he was gone.
Instead of breaking down, I felt empowered. I could finally let go of the past and move on. I could finally live.
****
I was hoping to say goodbye to Kylie before I headed back home since we lived a few hours from each other, but I wasn't sure when they were coming back from the vineyard. I tried to text her, but no response. I just hoped she wouldn't regret anything. This wasn't supposed to be a weekend of temptation, but that was what it turned out to be. For both of us. I just wanted to get back home with the kids and sort through everything. I was feeling lost and I was worried this would be a catalyst for another depressive episode. It hadn't really hit me yet that I had kissed Braedyn and what that actually meant for my marriage.
As I was packing up my stuff, I heard a light knock on the door. I froze thinking it could be Braedyn, but thank God Kylie's voice penetrated the door.
"Lennox, it's me."
I opened the door to a mess of a person in front of me. "You're not going to throw up on me, are you?"
"Not unless you give me some of that anti-nausea shit."
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 292