The feelings can last a few days, but sometimes change daily. It was confusing and disorienting to live like this, never feeling confident in the truth of your feelings. I never knew if I was truly happy when I was up, and I didn't know how far I would go when I was down. The medication balanced me, so I could live as everyone was intended to live. I had confidence and could make informed decisions. I felt free.
Lexus was young enough when Dean died that she was able to adjust more quickly, although she still asked about him. It was hard to explain the permanence of death to a child, so I just told her he was gone and that he didn't want to leave but the world had other plans for him, but he would miss her every day of her life. She accepted my response, but still hurt from his absence.
Lily was doing well, and we were very close to a permanent adoption. She was the perfect baby, and the kids absolutely adored her. Drew protected her obsessively. She was a little angel, and whenever I looked into her eyes, I would see Dean's sacrifice reflected back. Instead of hurting, it made me proud. He was a selfless person, and while the universe's plan for him was hard to digest, it couldn't have been more perfect. His life had purpose, and Lily was living proof that his death did too.
I still had a lot to figure out, but for now I was living, not just surviving. My family adored Turner, and I was fulfilling my dream of writing. I had it all with Dean, but I could never let go enough to see it. I saw it now. I just wish Dean were here to witness it, to see his kids grow up, and to see me happy. Now, I just needed to decide where we went from here.
It was a picturesque summer day, so I decided to surprise the kids and bring them to mine and Dean's beach. He had told them several times about the story of how he asked me to marry him, but we'd never had a chance to go. It was a long drive, and there were beaches much closer to our house.
I strapped Lily in her car seat and checked to make sure Drew and Lexus were buckled up.
"You guys ready for some fun?" I teased.
"Moooom, tell us where we're going," Drew begged.
"Are we going to Disneyland?" shouted Lexus eagerly.
This was a nostalgic moment because the last time we did a surprise trip somewhere it was to Disneyland. "No, sweetie, but I promise it will be awesome." It was tricky hiding the beach stuff in the back without them noticing, but I managed.
The drive down there was relatively quiet. Lily fell asleep, Lexus was watching a movie, and Drew was playing video games. I listened to the playlist Dean had made me for our engagement trip to the beach. It was hard sometimes to remember, but I didn't want to forget, so I let small things like this keep him present.
I pulled into the full beach parking lot. It was definitely a beach day, but I was surprised how packed this little hideaway was. Not many people knew about it, which was why Dean and I had frequented it in the past. A car was leaving in the front row, so I squeezed in after patiently waiting for them to pull out. Recognition finally hit the kids that we were at the beach.
"Oh, yeah, we're at the beach," Drew sung. "Did you bring my boogie board?"
"I sure did, honey."
"Mommy, will you make sand cupcakes with me?" Lexus chimed in.
"Only if I can have a vanilla one with pink frosting." I laughed.
I climbed out of the car and unloaded the kids first. I left Lily in her seat until I was ready to make my first trip down to the beach.
"Uncle Turner!" Drew shouted.
I spun around, shocked to see him. Drew jumped into his arms, and he carried him back to the car. I mouthed what are you doing here. He smiled tightly and winked. What was he up to? I returned an odd smile.
"Do you want me to get Lily for you?" he offered.
"Would you mind getting the beach stuff instead?"
"Sure. You want to help me, little man?" He rustled Drew's long locks.
"I'll carry my boogie board."
"Can I carry my toys?" Lexus squealed.
He grabbed a bag of beach toys out of the back and handed them to Lexus. "It's pretty heavy," he exaggerated.
"I can do it. I'm strong," she said proudly.
Turner chuckled. "I bet you are. Here you go." He put the bag over her shoulder.
Drew grabbed his board, and Turner was nice enough to pile on the rest of the stuff and lug it down to the sand. They disappeared around the corner toward mine and Dean's special spot. I carefully scooped up Lily, who was still sleeping. I threw a baby blanket over her to shield her skin from the sun, shut the door, and locked up.
I walked slowly, taking my time over the loose rocks. Falling with a baby in my arms was not on my agenda for the day. As I turned the corner, I about lost it. Turner had invited all of Dean's and my close friends, family, and department buddies to an elaborate beach party. There were blankets strewn all over the area and kids running rampant. Turner jogged up to me.
"I hope this was okay?" he muttered unsure.
"Turner... how...?" I was at a loss for words.
"You mentioned bringing the kids here, and I remember what this place meant to you and Dean, and you didn't have a reception after the funeral, so I thought what better way to celebrate him. To celebrate your family."
I shook my head in disbelief. "It's perfect. Thank you, Turner." I reached out and hugged him with my free arm. When he hugged me back for the first time, I felt a spark that was never there between us before. When I pulled away, we locked eyes in quiet recognition.
I really looked at him. Not as Dean's friend, but as a man, and I wasn't disappointed with what I saw. He was ruggedly handsome with dark hair and face stubble that made his green eyes stand out. He had broad shoulders and a nice thick build. He stood almost a foot taller than me, towering over my petite frame. When he smiled, a dimple displayed on his right cheek, softening his ruggedness.
I never imagined I would go back to a lifestyle that I blamed for the deterioration of my marriage with Dean, but I realized that it was my illness more than the lifestyle that was the problem. I was stronger now and understood the difference. I loved so many moments of living the firefighter life. I was surrounded by the biggest reason, unconditional friends and support from people who were practically strangers. You didn't get this kind of life with any other profession. The dangers of the job created a fascinating outlook on life that made all of us gravitate to each other. In fact, over the past few months, I missed it.
"Hey, Turner, want to boogie board with me?" Drew hollered, breaking our trance.
"Sure, kid. Let's go."
He leaned over and kissed me gently on the forehead and ran off after Drew. My heart skipped a few beats as I thought about the possibility. Lexus stormed up the beach.
"Mommy, come on," she demanded in her little four-year- old voice.
"Okay, okay. I'm coming." I shifted Lily a little on my shoulder and followed Lexus down the beach. Everyone surrounded us immediately with hellos and affection. It meant a lot to me that Turner knew when it was the right time for this. I was ready to enjoy the memories we shared with Dean. I smiled as I listened to everyone reminisce and watched Turner boogie board alongside of Drew. We were going to be okay.
About the Author
DANI HART graduated from the University of Southern California with a degree in Theatre and a concentration in screenwriting and resides in Southern California with her family. To learn about her other projects visit her website www.danihartbooks.com.
Stealing Promises
By Brina Courtney
1
First Love
Victoria leaned her head back against the cold brick allowing her blonde hair to flow around her shoulders. She attempted to readjust her body in order to be more comfortable because she knew that she would be waiting a long time until Levi got out of work to come pick her up. She had no interest however in going upstairs and spending the next hour listening to her roommate complain about the five boyfriends she had or the crazy party she was at last night. Perhaps at one point that would’ve been something that Victor
ia had been interested in but ever since she and Levi had gotten serious there was no reason for Victoria to worry about frat boys or what type of new tattoo she should get on Spring Break.
Victoria’s Spring Break wouldn’t be spent on a beach somewhere. Instead she would be cozied up with her boyfriend Levi. Boyfriend didn’t even seem like the right word, partner or best friend made more sense. Levi had rented a small cabin in the woods for the two of them. Victoria finally had time to really embrace the trip only an hour before when she packed a bag full of long sleeved shirts and tight fitting jeans. Although it was still chilly outside, Victoria made sure to throw in a few camisoles and a pair of shorts just because she knew Levi liked them. This extended weekend was supposed to be all about the two of them. As Victoria watched two freshmen play Frisbee on the lawn she imagined how romantic their weekend would be in a cabin amongst the trees. It was a place where Levi could truly relax. No cell phone reception meant no annoying interruptions from friends or work. Soon they would be sitting in front of the fire snuggling together or drinking wine by the lake with a homemade picnic. It all seemed so picturesque in Victoria’s mind but she knew that’s not how things really worked. No life was like a movie. Victoria learned that the hard way over the past couple years.
College hadn’t been all that it was supposed to be. The first bump in the road had been when Victoria failed a course second semester during her freshman year and life had gotten a lot more difficult. Victoria’s parents were on her all the time about grades, threatening to cut her off if she couldn’t keep them up. It wasn’t really clear as to why she started to rebel her freshman year. Perhaps it was the fact that her sister, Fallon, had finally married the complete buffoon, Drew. Victoria was forced to spend more time with him then necessary. Necessary being only holiday dinners and the occasional family reunion. But now Drew was at their parent’s house all the time. Which made no sense considering their parents had bought Fallon and her shiny new husband a beautiful townhouse as their wedding present. Victoria felt she had to keep an eye on him. She thought that he might swipe something when no one was looking. She was so annoyed that she was the only one that could see how money hungry he was. Sure, for a long time Victoria had been one of those girls that asked her parents to spend money on frivolous things, but now that she was getting older, she had realized just how lucky she had been growing up. She thought about Levi’s upbringing for a moment while she raked her hands back and forth through the dewy grass. His mom had left Levi and his older sister Tyne at a very young age. Not that she was really a mother figure before she left—mostly she was as high as a kite. This made for a very difficult and awkward situation at home for Levi and his older sister considering their father was a police officer. When they were younger, he had tried to get Levi’s mom help many times, even sending her to a fancy rehab facility at one point, but nothing seemed to stick besides her and needles. Admittedly, Levi had a lot of mommy issues as a result. It’s not that Victoria was judging him, he had discussed it with her after visiting a therapist. He was horrified at the thought of commitment and for a long time that worried her.
At some point she had decided their relationship was worth more than looking into the future and worrying what might happen, or what might not. She was content in their relationship. Truly happy. And marriage wasn’t the be all, end all anyway. Many marriages didn’t make it. And some people who were in the ones that did, were miserable anyway. Her parents had a beautiful relationship though, which gave her hope, even if she didn’t want to admit it. She thought about their late Friday nights out at expensive restaurants while she was cared for by a nanny or her older sister. She watched her mother place a string of pearls around her neck and admire her wedding ring. Victoria could see the love in her eyes. Her mother spoke often about her admiration of her father, and their life together. She loved those small quiet moments with her mother. There were other fond memories of her childhood, many of them spent with Levi.
Closing her eyes she envisioned the times they had spent together as children, when the innocent childhood crush had formed. Victoria’s father was a lawyer that worked closely with the police. Many nights when Levi’s soccer practice was finished and Victoria was done with ballet, they would end up in Victoria’s father's office while their dads poured over some new case. Levi was a year older than Victoria and his dad always told him to keep her occupied. Victoria could recall the large man in the black uniform lean down to his son and say, “There are things here that little girls shouldn’t see, you got me, Levi?” Tyne would watch them while she did homework, but it was up to Levi to keep Victoria busy. Tyne was too focused on her studies to notice the connection between the two children.
Levi would find some cards to play with and they would laugh for hours over a silly game of Go Fish. After a year or more of their friendship Victoria realized that she felt something more for Levi but she was just a child. Victoria didn’t understand her true feelings for him. Besides that, he was a broken boy from a broken home. He had trouble understanding what love really meant and Victoria knew that even now it was still difficult for him to verbalize how he truly felt about her. Levi was much more of a physical being, not that Victoria had anything to complain about. When their lips would touch it felt like lava moving from his skin to hers. The feeling traveled down through her body filling her with tension. Sometimes she felt that if she touched him too intimately in those moments she would explode. But sometimes explosions were good.
They had their fair share of sexual encounters of course. There had even been a few boys before Levi if Victoria was being honest with herself, but none of that mattered anymore. The only person that mattered now was Levi. He was everything to Victoria. No matter what happened in their lives, Victoria would make sure that they stayed together.
Darkness was settling around Victoria and the boys that had been playing Frisbee had returned to their dorms while she sat, still waiting for the old beater truck to turn the corner into the parking lot. When Victoria finally heard the rumbling of its engine she stood and slowly grabbed her bag.
Levi hopped out of the green truck and strode quickly over to Victoria. He only paused when he wrapped his hands around her cheeks to kiss her with such intensity that Victoria thought she might fall over.
“I’m sorry I’m late babe. Do you have any idea what traffic is like out there? Friday night...” He shook his head allowing his chocolate colored bangs to fall into his eyes. Victoria lifted her hand and used her forefinger to pull them out of his face.
“It’s not a problem.”
He squinted in the fading light as if looking for something, “How long have you been out here?”
She shrugged handing him her bag and began walking, “I don’t know... like an hour. It’s better than being upstairs with Jen.” Victoria turned around to look at him for a moment, his feet were planted and he had a scowl on his face.
“Is she still causing problems for you?” He began walking but it was more of a stomp than his typical gait.
Victoria rolled her eyes, “She’s not causing problems for me. She’s just really annoying. There’s nothing you can do to fix annoying. Trust me I’ve tried, you forget that I grew up with Fallon.” Victoria liked to remind Levi of how different their sisters were. Fallon had been abusive of their parents’ money, spending it willy-nilly without a care in the world. Fallon also reveled in bullying Victoria and liked to watch people squirm. Tyne on the other hand, was practically Levi’s mother and raised him since they were kids. Tyne started working her freshman year of high school just to help put food on the table. She had never been able to afford college though she was now taking some community college classes locally. Tyne would never say something to make someone uncomfortable, it just wasn’t her way.
Levi also wasn’t in school—he worked for a computer analytics company mostly because he was a genius. He didn’t need the collegiate education that most others did to find themselves in a job as good as he had. But
he too had worked since he was young. Starting with a newspaper route leading up to the waiter job, he constantly had money flowing in to help this family. As a result, he had a sense of responsibility that most guys their age didn’t have. Sometimes it made Victoria feel protected and safe, while other times she felt like something else on his list of things to do in life.
She watched Levi’s face and could see that he was trying to shake off his annoyance with her roommate so he laughed lightly at her quip about Fallon, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes.
Victoria tried to shake off the foreboding feeling that he was in one of those angsty moods he sometimes carried around with him. She walked the rest of the way to the truck quickly hoping the moment would pass. He jogged up next to her in order to open the door. One of the qualities Victoria really appreciated about Levi was the way he always seemed to act like a gentleman. For a man who had grown up without a mother, he really did know how to treat girl well.
As he climbed in next to Victoria, she buckled her seatbelt and turned up the heat. It was odd because it was late spring and it should have started to warm up. But Victoria realized that she hadn't heard any of the usual cricket symphonies on campus on evenings like this. “Do you think it's going be cold up there? At the cabin?” As Levi backed out of the parking lot he shook his head.
“Nah, I don't think so. Besides the place has heat just in case.” He paused for a moment as if for dramatic effect, “You shouldn't worry about the temperature anyway. You know I'll always keep you warm.” He allowed his hand to leave the steering wheel and rest just above Victoria’s knee on the inside of her thigh. It was a gentle touch but Victoria knew that it meant more.
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 295