Lexus cried a lot. Drew's eyes were bloodshot, but it was hard to tell if he had cried. He was shy and at the stage where he got embarrassed easily.
I was the last one scheduled to speak, and it was now my turn. Lexus let me hand her off to my mom so I could go up. I took several deep breaths as I walked in front of the coffin. A flag rested on top of it like a blanket keeping a child warm.
"Dean was an amazing person, which is apparent when you look around and see how many people came to show their support. Thank you for being here and for wearing his and our son's favorite color. There are really only two things I would like to share. We all have our own private memories of Dean and to respect that I'd like to keep it that way. I'd like to point out the inscription on Dean's gravestone. He used to call me a firefighter's flame, but really he was the flame and I was just the accelerant. Painted on my son's wall is the Firefighter Prayer that all firefighter families may know, so I thought I would close this off with it. It's what we said every night when Dean was at work."
Unexpectedly, Drew stood up and walked to my side.
He tugged on my shirt, so I leaned down and he whispered, "Can I say it?"
My heart hurt. He was already trying to be brave. "Of course, honey. Daddy would love that." I took his hand in mine and bowed my head to the ground.
Drew started, "Lord, protect our firefighters. Keep them safe each day and night. Give them courage and strength on each rescue and fire they fight."
When he was done, he went back and sat down without another word. As I scanned the faces in the crowd, the ones that hadn't already been crying, now were. Drew had made the most profound gesture of his young life that he would look back and remember forever.
Instead of a mound of dirt to throw onto the coffin, there was a pile of white roses. I took three, one for each of us, and threw them into the hole and sat down. The bagpipes played again as the two firemen folded up the flag and handed it to Dean's captain. He placed Dean's badge on it and gave it to me. I took the badge and pinned it on Drew. He rubbed it carefully through wet eyes.
A very long line formed to take turns throwing a rose and to say a few words to me. Everyone was thoughtful enough not to address the kids directly and not to hover for too long. It took some time to get through everyone. Halfway through I had my parents take the kids home. When everyone was done, some left and some hung out and formed small groups. Kylie and her fiancé sat with me when the kids left. Turner stood with his shift during the ceremony, but was now heading my way.
"We'll meet you at the house," Kylie said with a squeeze of my hand.
"Okay, I should be there soon."
They got up and left.
"That was a nice ceremony," he said.
"It really was. Dean would have been pleased. He deserved it." I stood up getting ready to leave.
"Hey, Len, if you ever need anything, please just call me. Even if it's just to mow your lawn."
I laughed a little at that. "You're sweet, Turner, but that's what a gardener is for. I'm going to go back to work soon so we'll be fine, but thank you." I gave him a hug. "I'm sorry. I know he was like a brother to you."
"He was. I'm going to miss him."
I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and headed to the chief's car for a ride home. It was time to close this chapter of my life and start a new one. It wasn't going to be easy and there were going to be a lot of bumps and bruises along the way, but the three of us would make it. Not even just make it. We would eventually thrive in Dean's honor.
Chapter Thirty
Fate had hurt me in so many ways over the years that it was only a matter of time when the chips fell in my favor. I had done something secretly to start my own path to redemption, and today was the day I got to share it with everyone.
It had been about a week since the funeral. Kylie was still living with us and planned to for a couple of months if needed. Her fiancé was going to visit every other weekend. It was really sweet of him to lend her to me. They put the wedding and plans of trying to have a baby on hold, which was a big sacrifice for them. The kids were back at school, so it was just the two of us.
"Did you need help going through the rest of Dean's things?" she asked as she poured me a cup of coffee.
"I'm almost done, but thanks."
"Is it weird doing that?"
"Yeah, but I'm trying not to think about it. I think it'll be better for the kids not to see too many everyday things of his lying around."
"You're an amazing woman. You know that, right?"
"I have my flaws, and I've done my fair share of sinning, but I try. I'm still trying."
"He would have forgiven you, if you had a chance to tell him. He adored you, flawed and all."
"I know. Listen, I have something with the estate to do today. If it takes longer than anticipated, will you be on call to pick up the kids?"
"Of course."
I hopped off the bar chair and grabbed my purse on my way out.
A familiar uneasiness settled in my bones. I was unaccustomed to change, and we had already had so much. For me to add more change to things so quickly was a risk, but I didn't really have a choice. Time wasn't in my favor.
****
I didn't make it back in time to pick up the kids. It was probably better anyway. Having them at home for this would be best. I pulled into the driveway and got out. I opened the back door and was immediately greeted with Lily's beautiful smile. One that would always remind me of the sacrifice Dean made to save her precious little life. So many people had to jump through hoops to make this happen. I owed so many people a lifetime of gratitude.
When I got to the department of child services building, I couldn't believe I was doing this or that it was actually happening. When I first heard she had no living relatives, I couldn't bear the thought of her being anywhere but with us. It was fate that Dean was there to save her, and she belonged with us. Foster application and processes usually took time, but because of whom Dean worked for and the connections he had, I was able to call in favors.
They had rushed me through the process, and I even managed to sneak a home visit in a few days ago while the kids were at school and Kylie was out running errands. They wanted to meet everyone living at the house, but they were willing to postpone that visit until after I introduced Lily to the kids. Someone was visiting this evening.
I had gone to Target and Babies R Us to pick up baby essentials. It was a nice distraction from the death cloud that had been hanging over me for the last month. With life there came death, and in this instance with death, came life. A precious life that would never truly understand the special place she held in my heart next to Dean and the kids.
"Hi, sweetie. Are you ready to meet your new brother and sister?" She was almost seven weeks old now and much bigger than when I saw her in the hospital. It was good to see she was thriving. She cooed in response to my voice and chewed on her fist obsessively. "Looks like someone is getting hungry. Come here, cutie." I unbuckled her and held her close to my heart. I had already forgotten how fragile these little things were. When our kids were this age, we would call them little froggies when they rested on us because their little knees stayed bent like a frog's legs ready to leap. I tossed the new diaper bag over my free shoulder and headed anxiously into the house.
When I opened the door, I could hear Kylie playing a board game with the kids in the TV room. They had become so fond of her, and I knew it was going to be tough when she left. Hopefully, Lily would help fill some of the void. I stopped at the threshold and quietly watched them play for a minute. They had endured so much, but they were still my babies, and I had hope that we would all make it through this life all right and maybe even better than okay.
Lily let out a whimper. Probably for food. Kylie and the kids stopped playing and focused their attention on me. The kids immediately ran for me yelling Mommy in excitement. Drew was the first to ask about Lily.
"Whose baby is that?" he shouted enthusiastical
ly.
I had to be careful how I answered because the adoption process was lengthy, and they could always deny me in the end.
"This is Lily. Would it be okay if she stayed with us for a little while?" I wanted them to feel like they had a say in the matter. We were in this together.
"Her name starts with L like us, Mommy," Lexus squealed.
"It sure does, sweetie. So, do you think it would be okay if she stayed?"
Lexus jumped up and down yelling, "Yes, yes, yes!"
Drew rubbed her back gently. "Can I hold her?"
He always loved babies. "Of course, honey. Do you want to feed her?"
"Can I?" His eyes lit up.
"Of course. Auntie Ky, can you take her to the couch with the kids while I make a bottle?" She had stayed silent, but I knew she approved when she smiled.
"Let me have that little bundle of cuteness," she said as she peeled her from me. "Things are going to be okay." She winked and walked over to the couch trailed by my kids.
"I think so, too," I whispered to myself.
My kids were instantly in love with Lily.
The meeting with the social worker went great. She was moved by our story and was going to try to advance the adoption process. Until we took that oath nothing was permanent, which left me slightly uneasy. I was nervous that my history of depression would inhibit the adoption, but I was assured repeatedly that because I didn't pose a threat to the kids or myself that was confidential information and would be protected by confidentiality laws. It still made me nervous, and it would until she was ours.
****
Having a newborn again had its own challenges, but it was just what this family needed to begin the healing process. Drew was in love with Lily and spent every second with her, and Lexus was starting to find her confidence away from me again. It had only been a week since I brought Lily home, but the house had come alive so much. She literally made the world go round and had all of us wrapped around her little fingers.
One day I would be able to tell all of them how Daddy's last moment was saving her life. It was an inspiring story and one that would bond them forever in spite of not being blood-related.
Kylie left for a few days to be with her fiancé. I was so fortunate to have her. The kids were at school, so I was playing with Lily in her new nursery. We had spent all week turning the office into a beautiful wonderland. I wanted the kids to feel the magic of imagination, so her room encompassed an enchanted world full of magical creatures.
I was playing on the floor with her when the doorbell chimed. I had come so accustomed to ignoring it when Dean wasn't home, but I was expecting certified mail from the adoption agency that I didn't want to miss. I put Lily in the safety of her crib. "I'll be right back, Froggy." After I told the kids the nickname we had for them at this age, they insisted on calling her it. It was kind of ironic since her name was Lily. I rubbed her belly and ran downstairs.
"Coming!" I shouted since I had taken my time to answer the door. I wasn't prepared for my guest.
"Hi."
It was Braedyn.
What do you say in a moment like this? My heart dropped to my toes, and my mind went blank.
"Umm, hi?"
"This is weird, right?" he questioned.
I still couldn't say anything. Sitting on top of every other emotion imaginable was guilt, which kept me mute.
"I went back and forth if I should come. I heard about Dean's accident and I wanted to come, but I knew it was best if I stayed away. Then, I heard he passed away, and I wanted to be there for you, but again, I didn't think it was right. I went to the funeral, but couldn't muster up the nerve to say anything to you. You were so sad, and your kids were there. It took me all this time to come here when I wasn't sure I ever would, but I can see it was a mistake. I'm sorry." He turned and walked down the path.
He had said all of that so fast, and my brain was still wrapping around him being here. "Wait, Braedyn."
He stopped and faced me. "I'm so sorry, Lennox. For everything. For this. Life seems so unfair sometimes, and you're the last person who deserved this. I just wanted to be here for you. That's it. No strings attached. I want to make this all go away for you, the pain, disappointment, guilt. I just don't know if I deserve to be."
I listened to his heart bleed the truth of his words and felt my heart bleed the pain of the last twelve years. I would never want to do anything to dishonor what Dean and I had, but I knew he would want the kids and me to be happy. He would want us to not only move on, but to live. "No strings attached," were all my lips could mutter and all my soul had to give.
Lily started crying. Braedyn looked at me curiously. "That's Lily, my foster child that I'm hoping to adopt. Would you like to meet her?"
"I would love to." He smiled.
I let him into the house and back into my life, and I closed the door on the past, opening a new world of possibilities for all of us.
Epilogue
Life was funny and strange, cruel and amazing, but above all, held hope. Hope. The one word that made my world go round. Fate. A word that burned holes into the life I had carefully mapped out. Those two words were complete opposites, playing tug-of-war with my heart and my cry for redemption. I loved having hope, but cursed it for holding me back. I loathed fate for taking the control out of my hands and placing it in the hands of an unknown force.
When I brought Lily home for the first time, I had a renewed sense of hope for the future, and like my true nature, I had already begun mapping out our little lives together. Then fate stomped on my plans once again like a smoker smashing a cigarette into the ground.
Braedyn re-entered my life. Whether it was too soon or not, I knew I couldn't turn him away. I needed him. I still loved him. I never stopped loving him. I gave Dean all of me when he died and with that I died, but I was reborn, and the second I met Braedyn's eyes again, I knew he was my resurrection.
The months after Dean's death were challenging, but I had grown from yet another experience and had my three beautiful children to remind me that the ugly monster living in the closet was only a temporary nightmare in my life story.
Kylie moved back home, had a small wedding and was two months pregnant. I was so happy for her and her new life. She had finally found her purpose and trusted someone enough to give her all to them. She had so much to offer the world, and her story would continue to captivate me.
Braedyn and I remained friends. Actually, we fell back into our old friendship of love and vulnerability. My love was susceptible at this point, and I didn't think it was fair to anyone, including my kids, for me to rush into anything. I had let my emotions control my life for too long, and it was time to focus that kind of devotion onto my children rather than myself. There was time to explore love in the future, but I wasn't in a hurry. Braedyn understood and was so sweet about waiting for me.
I found out a lot about him over the months. He was a fireman, as well, which made me leery and uncomfortable at first. I had promised myself never again, but I couldn't fault him for doing what he loved like Dean had. I also learned that he had several long-term relationships over the years, but they failed as soon as he realized he wasn't into them as much as his girlfriends were. One night he had confessed to me he had never felt for any of them the way he did about me. I loved him for his raw honesty.
He held onto every letter I wrote him. It was hard telling him I burned all but one, but he understood. He moved to the area, and we spent the evenings he had off after the kids went to sleep recreating the ashes. The story we had written in our letter exchanges was enchanting. We both had a passion for writing, so we turned our letters into a full-fledged story. It was sad and beautiful, but most of all, it was magical and it reminded us of what we had with the promise of having it again.
I also continued the blog. An editor of a popular magazine stumbled across it and approached me about publicizing it. At first, I was hesitant, but knowing my story could help someone else navigate the diffi
culties of a unique lifestyle, including the challenges of living with bipolar disorder, I agreed. My blog went viral quickly, and I was able to make a decent income off of its popularity. I was humbled by the support I received by so many strangers.
Turner, Dean's best friend and my rock during the most difficult time of my life, became a pivotal figure in my kids' lives. They looked to him as a father figure, and the way he lit up their faces warmed my heart. He was a good man and the only one I would let near my children. I hadn't introduced Braedyn to them yet, which hurt him, but it was for the best. The best for my children.
I was still guarded and skeptical, and Turner had been around since they were born. They called him Uncle Turner, and they needed that constant male presence in their lives, especially Drew. I knew Turner would always be there. I couldn't say the same for Braedyn. At least not yet.
Drew was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He had the milder form, bipolar II, the same as me. It was heartbreaking to hear the diagnosis, but I was glad we identified it sooner rather than later. I agreed to medication for him, because I knew from experience that growing up was difficult enough as a normal child with no afflictions. I didn't want him to suffer unnecessarily and risk him hurting himself as I had done. I went through periods of cutting that scarred my arms to this day, and I didn't want the same for him. If medication would make his days a little bit easier, then I would give that to him.
I went back on my medication, too. There wasn't a cure for bipolar disorder, and I didn't want to risk falling back into old patterns that I couldn't avoid because my brain chemistry was naturally in a distressed state. I was still seeing my own therapist and I had gone back to yoga, so I was hoping the combination of things I was doing would not only make life manageable, but possibly make things feel real for once.
Unless you are afflicted with this illness, you would never truly understand the challenges it presents. The best way to describe it was like riding a roller coaster that had endless ups and downs, twists and turns, and goes on forever. The highs felt taller than the highest mountain peak while the lows felt like your heart was seconds away from giving up.
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 294