A Family Name

by Liz Botts

  "Do you want tea or lemonade or water? Or milk?" Charlotte wondered at the tinny tone in her voice. She sounded manic, even to her own ears. Was she trying too hard to impress this young girl, her new foster daughter? Despite her misgivings and anxiety, Charlotte loved the way the words sounded, and she whispered them to herself over and over.

  Lexi deftly took the meat off the flame, and turned off the burner. Before answering, she added taco seasoning to the meat. "Lemonade is good."

  Relief coursed through Charlotte. She had had several people suggest that bringing a teenager into her home would bring her nothing but heartache, but this was right and good. Charlotte could feel it in her bones.

  ****

  "Where's my mommy? I want my mommy!"

  The little girl's cries tore at Will's heart. Despite the fact that he had no idea how to comfort her, he found himself wanting to. Sierra's big eyes swam with tears as she looked up at him frantically. She reached out and, running on instinct, Will lifted her into his arms.

  "Shh." He made soothing noises and Sierra laid her head on his shoulder. The sobs that wracked her tiny body slowed to convulsing hiccups.

  "M-m-mommy." Sierra's voice was so small. How could he explain the tragedy to her?

  The social worker that had brought the children to the house had given him some suggestions on talking to children about dealing with grief, but he couldn't remember any of it. His mother had taken notes while he had nodded numbly. Everywhere he looked reminders of Steve haunted him, not only at home, but at work. After the shock had worn off, the anger had settled in. What had Steve and Gretchen been doing out on that back road that day? The weather had been awful. They had lived in the Hills long enough to know that dirt road driving was to be avoided at all costs on icy days.

  Sierra's hiccups turned to sniffles. She snuggled deeper against his shoulder. Her soul-deep sigh rattled him to his very core, and he tightened his arms around her. At five, she understood her loss far more acutely than her three-year old-brother. Shane walked around with his thumb in his mouth and a ratty blanket trailing behind. He never talked. At least not yet. The social worker had warned him to give both children plenty of space and plenty of stability.

  When he felt the girl grow heavy and limp, he knew she had fallen asleep. Will eased her back into her bed. With the covers pulled back up around her tiny shoulders, Will paused to examine the young face streaked with tears. Sierra looked remarkably like her mother. Will remembered how thrilled Gretchen had been to have a little girl. She had spent months planning a nursery, which Will had helped paint. Steve had been insistent that Gretchen not inhale any fumes, lest the baby suffer permanent damage. Will shook his head to clear the cobweb of thoughts that had developed. He knew that Gretchen would have done anything for her kids. She hadn't been one to take unnecessary risks. So why had she gone out in an ice storm?

  Will paused in the doorway, glancing back and forth between the two twin beds. How had so much changed in the space of one week? Before he had been a distinguished professor and a happy bachelor, granted one who had to live on the family homestead, but unattached for the most part. His mind drifted briefly to the pretty woman he had rear-ended during the ice storm. He had gone back to her over and over during the past week. Reflex, he told himself. The woman was intricately tied to the day of Steve and Gretchen's accident. If he paid a shrink to evaluate the reasons, he assumed he would be told that the woman had become a crutch, something tangible to hold onto when thinking about his old life.

  He ran a hand along the back of his neck, and felt the hair prickle along his palm. Time for a haircut. A raw laugh escaped his throat, sounding tight and strangled in the hush of the children's bedroom. So many things raced through his mind, but the one at the forefront was that he hoped his laughter hadn't woken Sierra or Shane. After a few moments of stillness, he felt assured that both children were asleep.

  With a sigh, Will wandered back down the hall to his office, where a stack of papers waited to be graded. Then he needed to grab a few precious hours of sleep before he taught a class in the morning. The dean had asked him to teach a few of Steve's introductory courses until a replacement could be found. Saying no had never crossed Will's mind, but after a week of being a surrogate dad he felt the strain building.

  He sank into his desk chair with bone-weary relief. Lowering his head to his folded arms, he told himself he would rest his eyes for only a minute, but a minute later sleep tugged him into a blissful oblivion.

  The next thing he knew his cell phone was buzzing in his ear like an angry wasp. He flipped it open with a quick, "Yes?"

  "Sorry. Sorry, did I wake you?"

  He recognized the voice instantly. The woman he had rear ended weeks ago.

  "Actually, yes, but I needed to wake up anyway." Will straightened, running a hand over his face to wake himself up.

  "Oh, well, this is Charlotte. Charlotte Miller. The, um, the quote came from the auto body shop on my bumper. You said to call so…"

  Will found himself nodding. "Yes, absolutely. You can send me the information or have them bill me directly. If you use a place in Rapid City I can stop by after I teach my last class." He stopped and sighed. That wasn't exactly true. Sierra needed to go to the dentist today.

  "It isn't a big deal," Charlotte said, her voice strained over the line.

  "No, really I want to pay for the repairs. It's just that life is complicated right now." Will flinched as he said the words. He prided himself on being tough and stoic, and even thinking such a thing, let alone voicing it, made him feel like a grade A wimp.

  Charlotte paused. He could hear her breathing on the other end of the line. "It sounds like things are more than complicated. It sounds like you're…sad."

  She spoke softly, compassionately. The lilt of her voice got past his defensive walls.

  "My best friend died a few weeks ago."

  "Oh." They sat in silence for a few moments.

  When the moments turned awkward, Will forced a laugh. The sound came out like a harsh seal bark. "I don't know why I told you that."

  "Maybe you just needed to tell someone. Maybe you needed to make it real so you can begin grieving."

  "Maybe. Listen, give me a call later and I'll run by the auto shop and pay the bill. Right now, I have to finish some work before my day gets started."

  "All right. Thanks." Charlotte paused again, this time for so long that Will thought she might have hung up. "If you need to… talk, I'm willing to listen. I'm a social worker so I know a bit about grief counseling."

  Embarrassment heated his neck. "Maybe."

  They exchanged parting pleasantries, and Will punched the end call button. Covering his eyes with one hand, he wondered when he would start to feel like himself again. The old Will would never have almost broken down with a near stranger, no matter how beautiful a woman she might be. He kept his emotions reined in, and as he shuffled the papers on his desk, he resolved to get back to that place. As he made the vow, though, his mind drifted to Charlotte and her open ended offer to talk. Despite his discomfort, the thought of spending more time with her did appeal to him. Suddenly he felt cheered as he hadn't in weeks. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.

  ****

  Lexi's heart beat so hard, she worried it might jump out of her chest. The hardwood floor creaked under her as she inched forward into Charlotte's room. She knew she shouldn't be snooping, especially since Charlotte was always so nice to her. Lexi felt a pang of regret and hesitated near the foot of the bed, which was hastily made. This had been her nicest placement in years, and everything Charlotte did made Lexi feel welcomed. Like how they cooked dinner together every night, and Charlotte actually seemed to care what Lexi wanted to eat. She treated Lexi like an equal, like a friend.

  Biting the inside of her cheek to force her to focus, Lexi continued her slow forward progress. She knew that Charlotte had her file on her bedside table. They had watched a movie in there the other night, a sappy girly mo
vie night complete with nail polish and popcorn. Lexi had let herself sink into the fantasy of a happy life until she glimpsed her file. All the information she ever needed to find her real mother was in that little folder. For the rest of the evening and every day since, Lexi had been formulating her plan to swipe the folder and get the info she needed. She hadn't thought beyond that point.

  "You can do this," she whispered. The bedside table was within reach. Lexi paused. She calculated that Charlotte would be at work for another hour at least. Still she held her breath and strained to hear any noises coming from the rest of the house. There would be no way to explain why she was in there, and then Charlotte would probably send her away just like all the others had done.

  All the more reason to find her real mom. Lexi grabbed the folder, and wrenched it open. The first page was a basic fact sheet about her current and former placements; names and addresses. Lexi scanned the list for anything useful before she turned the page. Several more page flips yielded little but when she hit the fifth, she caught sight of the photocopied birth certificate. Her mother's name sat there, typed neatly onto the page by some hospital worker thirteen years ago. The name that linked Lexi to her real family.

  "Mary Hoffman." The name tasted delicious to Lexi. Her mother. Her real mother. "Hoffman?"

  If her mother had been named Hoffman then where had her last name come from? Lexi rechecked the birth certificate but in place of her father's name it merely read unknown. The mystery made Lexi's thirteen-year-old brain hum with possibilities. She concocted half a dozen theories in a matter of four seconds as to why her mother wouldn't have listed her father. What if he didn't even know she existed? Maybe after she and her mother got settled, they could find her father and the three of them would be a family again.

  She flipped to the next page, and there staring back at her was an address beside her mother's name. A mess of other information littered the page, but the only thing Lexi could see was an apartment number followed by a familiar street name. All this time her mother had been just across the city. Lexi's heartbeat sped up as it raced through her veins and thundered through her ears. Quickly, she calculated the general distance from Charlotte's house.

  Tossing the file folder onto the bed, Lexi made up her mind. She hurried out of Charlotte's room before she had a chance to change her mind.

  ****

  "Lexi?" Charlotte tossed her keys onto the table in the entryway beside the stack of mail. "I brought pizza. I hope that's okay?"

  Silence met her call. Kicking off her shoes, Charlotte breathed a sigh of relief. Those heels always hurt her feet, but they looked so professional that she always made a point to wear them on days she met with clients. The last time she had worn them she had met Lexi. She hung up her coat in the closet as she thought back to that day. Despite the minor bumps they had endured so far, Charlotte had never made a better decision in all her life.

  As she thought about that day, the memory of meeting a certain man with startlingly familiar eyes came over her without warning. She was embarrassed to admit how often she had thought of Mr. — no Dr. Will Wright over the past few weeks. She had even run a search on him one night when she just happened to be online. None of what she discovered had shocked her, but it had intrigued her. Of course, she knew that she probably would never see him again, but the tiniest, most sentimental part of her glimmered with hope. The man did work in Rapid City. There was always a chance, no matter how minute, that they could run into one another again.

  "Lexi?" Charlotte headed for the stairs. The girl probably had her ear buds in and her music cranked to top volume. Charlotte had to laugh every time Lexi insisted that was the only way she could do her homework. It sounded like an excuse Charlotte would have used years ago, although her foster mother had been insistent that she study in a quiet environment.

  Charlotte paused outside Lexi's door, and knocked. "Lexi? I got pizza. I'll just go change and we can eat, okay?" She waited a moment. When Lexi didn't respond, Charlotte cracked the door open. "Lexi?"

  She stepped inside the room, and knew instantly that something was wrong. Lexi wasn't there, but more than that, Charlotte could feel the emptiness of the room. The backpack Lexi used for school lay open beside her desk, but her purse was gone. The plasticky neon pink bag would have been hard to miss. Panic tightened Charlotte's throat and made her stomach churn. She told herself to calm down. There had to be a logical explanation for the girl's absence. Maybe Lexi had left her a note. She hadn't seen one in the entryway, but maybe there was one in her bedroom.

  The file folder laying open on her bed made Charlotte stop in her tracks. "Oh no. She couldn't have."

  Grabbing the file, Charlotte flew back down the stairs, grabbed her keys, and ran to the car.

  ****

  Lexi looked at the slip of paper in her hand, and back up at the shabby apartment building. Confusion warred within her. How could her real mother live here? When she saw the address she had assumed that her mother lived in a little house like Charlotte, just in a different part of town. Her shoulders slumped in disappointment. After two bus changes and a walk through downtown Rapid City in the chilly April evening, Lexi had hoped for more. She had been waiting for this moment her entire life. Now all she wanted to do was run back to Charlotte's house and be wrapped in that lovely warmth. Thinking about Charlotte made Lexi feel guilty.

  She shook herself. Who cared where her mother lived? Lexi had lived in far worse places, and this was the woman she had been searching for. The front sidewalk was cracked so badly that Lexi stumbled. The hot blush of embarrassment burned along the back of her neck. But no one had seen her – mainly because no one was around. The neighborhood gave Lexi the creeps. Bare trees scraped the sky as the wind sent a cold gust whooshing by. On her way down the block, Lexi had noticed three broken down cars, one a burned-out hull. The only warmth she had seen came from a barred-up liquor store. Somewhere down the block Lexi knew was the Black Hills Paleontological Institute. Why couldn't her mother have lived closer to that?

  The hallway to the building smelled faintly of cigarette smoke, and a bare bulb swung from the ceiling. Lexi followed the worn, stained carpet to apartment 1D. Outside the door she felt her first moment of hesitation since she had left Charlotte's house. Who was this woman she had been separated from as barely a toddler? Why had she been taken? The thought that she had been so close to having all those answers in her file made her cringe. She raised her hand to knock but found the door swinging open before she got the chance.

  A tall, thin woman with shaggy blond hair and sunken eyes peered around the door frame. "What do you want?"

  Lexi felt her jaw go slack from disbelief. This woman couldn't be her mother, could she? Why did she sound so… scared?

  Before Lexi could answer she heard footsteps pounding down the hallway. Then: "Lexi! I was scared to death."

  ****

  Charlotte wrapped her arms around the girl. Instead of pulling away as Charlotte feared she would, Lexi hugged her back, burying her face in her shoulder. Only after Charlotte had reassured herself that the girl was fine did she look up at the woman hovering in the doorway. This must be Lexi's mother.

  "Mary?" Charlotte took a deep breath and shifted Lexi to her side.

  The woman's eyes widened, her mouth puckered into a tiny frown. "How do you know my name?"

  "My name is Charlotte, Charlotte Miller. I'm a social worker…"

  "No, I can't do this again."

  Before Charlotte could do anything Mary pushed the door shut. Reacting quickly Charlotte shot her foot out and jammed it in the door. The heavy wood cut into her foot above her dress shoe. Now that they were here, Charlotte knew she needed to let Lexi go through with the meeting.

  "Please, Mary, your daughter just wants to meet you." The words choked in Charlotte's throat and came out sounding strangled.

  Mary gasped. The sound drifted out to them, and Charlotte could feel Lexi's grip tighten on her arm. The door opened a fractio
n of an inch, and Charlotte watched as Mary peered back around the door.

  "Can we come in?"

  Mary paused before nodding, a tiny movement barely discernible to the naked eye. Charlotte tugged Lexi forward, and they stepped into the dimly lit apartment. Every professional thing in Charlotte screamed for her to get out of there. The two should not be meeting under these circumstances. Mary stepped back, wrapping her arms around herself.

  "Mom?" Lexi stepped forward.

  Charlotte could see the uncertainty on Lexi's face. Hearing the girl call Mary "Mom" transported Charlotte back to the last time she had seen her own mother. She had been fifteen. Her foster parents had received a letter from the prison system detailing her mother's date of release. Despite the fact that parental rights had been terminated for years, Charlotte's foster mom had thought it important for her to see the woman. And when Charlotte had stepped up to hug her, her mother had looked at her with such disgust that a shudder still ran through Charlotte as she dredged up the memory.

  "This is your daughter, Lexi," Charlotte said, forcing her voice not to wobble.

  "Alexis?" Mary's eyes widened as she took the girl in. "I haven't seen you in…"

  Her words tapered off as Charlotte and Lexi stepped into the living room. A battered floral sofa sat beneath the room's only window. A TV was on in one corner, the flickering screen showing a daytime talk show. The frayed carpet appeared stained. Thank goodness she wouldn't have to leave Lexi there. As soon as the thought entered Charlotte's mind she felt guilty. Mary couldn't help her circumstances, at least not according to the case file.