Knowing Me Knowing You

by Mandy Baggot

  Joel rejoined Kate and took hold of her shaking hand.

  ‘OK, Joel, we asked Kate, and remember, these answers relate to you, so answer them honestly. Savoury or sweet?’

  ‘Savoury.’

  ‘Action or relaxation?’

  ‘Relaxation.’

  ‘Up or down?’

  ‘Up.’

  ‘Tea or coffee?’

  ‘Coffee.’

  ‘Nightclub or wine bar?’

  ‘Wine bar.’

  ‘Ferrari or Porsche?’

  ‘Porsche.’

  ‘Truth or dare?’

  ‘Truth.’

  ‘Gym or bed?’

  ‘Bed.’

  ‘Flower or tree?’

  ‘Tree.’

  ‘Hot or cold?’

  ‘Hot.’

  As the questioning came to an end Kate had no idea how they had done. She had been too nervous to remember the answers she had given.

  ‘Right, well, I think you have done pretty well, just waiting for confirmation through my earpiece. Yes, yes, Kate and Joel you scored nine matches out of ten. It seems Joel prefers bed to gym, you lucky, lucky girl. Congratulations! That means you cannot be caught and we have our winning couples, winning Knowing Me Knowing You here in Bournemouth are Gloria and Mark and our runners-up, also through to the national finals are Kate and Joel!’ Larry announced.

  With that announcement made the Love Dove bounded onto the stage with two giant golden eggs and gave one to the ecstatic pensioner Gloria and one to Kate.

  ‘And your prize for this evening is five thousand pounds plus a night in an executive suite at the Metropole Hotel in London when we take the game show the whole country is talking about to the capital,’ Larry announced.

  A mixture of fear and excitement swept over Kate and she didn’t really know what to do. Lynn was on her feet screaming at the top of her voice and Darren had mounted a chair and was waving his stump in the air, a bottle of red wine in his good hand.

  And then suddenly the golden egg fell out of her hands and hit the floor as Joel picked her up and swung her around. Kate screamed and held on to him until he eventually put her down.

  ‘Come on, let’s go and celebrate,’ Joel spoke excitedly.

  ‘I thought there was something you had to tell me,’ Kate replied, picking the egg up from the floor.

  ‘It can wait. Come on, let’s have champagne,’ Joel encouraged, taking Kate by the hand and leading her back towards the green room.

  Twenty Two

  ‘I’ve definitely had too much to drink, I’m sure there weren’t two hot tubs here earlier,’ Kate spoke as she staggered up the steps towards the door of the romance lodge.

  ‘I did warn you against a third cocktail,’ Joel replied, getting the key out of his pocket and opening the door for them both.

  ‘Of course you did, it was like having a virtuous voice of conscience in my ear.’

  ‘Are you calling me boring?’

  ‘No, I couldn’t call you that, it would be rude after you bought the champagne for everyone on the Randall’s table. You shouldn’t have done that by the way, it was too much.’

  ‘It’s just money.’

  ‘God! Listen to you! It’s just money! We may have five thousand pounds to divide up, sixty:forty in my favour, but there’s no need to go throwing it away.’

  ‘OK, point taken. Do you want a coffee?’ Joel asked her.

  ‘Does the virtuous voice in my ear think I should have one?’

  ‘Most definitely.’

  ‘Then I will have one,’ Kate agreed and she sat down on the sofa, kicked off her shoes and wrapped her legs underneath her.

  ‘Shall I put the fire on?’ Joel asked as he filled the kettle.

  ‘Ooo now you sound like my butler, yes please Jeeves,’ Kate joked, taking off her earrings and putting them on the coffee table.

  ‘So how did Hermione take the news of our progression into the grand finals?’ Joel asked, switching on the fire and coming to sit down next to Kate.

  ‘She screamed, loudly, like only she can and then kept saying “I told you so” to Philip who was clucking like an overexcited Love Dove in the background. Apparently she did a rune reading that afternoon that told her there was no way we weren’t going to make it through. I wish she had told me that.’

  ‘No you don’t. You don’t really believe in any of that stuff,’ Joel answered.

  ‘Well it can’t be true can it?’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because it’s fortune-telling, fairground mumbo jumbo that people make up to suit themselves.’

  ‘You think Hermione lies to people?’

  ‘No. Well, not intentionally. I don’t know, I don’t really know what she does or why she does it but I can’t believe in something that has no logical explanation,’ Kate said determinedly.

  ‘Like love?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Love, romance. That doesn’t have any logical explanation, or are you of the belief that love happens because of a chemical reaction between two people?’

  ‘No of course not,’ Kate scoffed.

  ‘So if you believe in love, something that has no set course, no logic to it, why can’t you believe that Hermione can read the runes?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Kate answered stupidly, looking at Joel and swallowing.

  Why was he making her nervous?

  ‘I’ll make the coffee; it’s probably too deep a conversation to have when we’re both worse for wear,’ Joel said, getting to his feet.

  ‘I hope Lynn’s OK with Darren. He could hardly stand up when they left, which is bad enough for someone with two good arms, let alone someone with only one.’

  ‘She seems really nice,’ Joel replied as he made coffee.

  ‘She is, she’s so nice. In fact she is the nicest person in the whole office and a fantastic secretary.’

  ‘Kate, I’d already met Darren - before tonight,’ Joel stated nervously.

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Yeah, that's what I wanted to tell you before.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Well, there was more to it than that; I wanted to tell you about the Army, about why I didn't want to talk about it.’

  ‘You don't need to tell me anything,’ Kate said immediately.

  ‘I want to,’ Joel said firmly.

  ‘You're shaking,’ Kate remarked, looking at his hands.

  He was nervously playing with them, cupping them together then almost wringing them out.

  ‘I'm OK,’ he insisted.

  ‘Come and sit down,’ Kate ordered, making room for him on the sofa.

  Joel did as he was told and continued to hold one shaking hand with another.

  ‘When I was in Afghanistan, something really bad happened and I’m still struggling to come to terms with it,’ Joel began.

  ‘You don’t have to explain anything to me Joel I...’ Kate started.

  ‘It was OK out there to begin with, well not OK, but bearable and at the end of the day it was just a job, an important job that needed to be done,’ Joel continued as if not hearing her.

  Kate just watched him, seeing the tension enter his whole body as he spoke.

  ‘Well, one day, we were pushing deep into enemy territory, looking to take ground and clear an area that was one of the enemy strongholds. We were engaged, unexpectedly, by far more enemy than anticipated and it turned from something routine into - well, a bloodbath.’

  Kate swallowed, hearing the pain in his voice.

  ‘All of them were killed, every one of my troop, except me. I ran, I called in air support and I spent the next few minutes hiding in the smallest niche you can imagine praying the strike would miss me,’ Joel explained his voice faltering as he concluded.

  ‘Oh Joel,’ Kate said not knowing what else to say.

  ‘I just can’t get over it. It happened almost three years ago and it’s always on my mind. They were my friends, they were like family to me and all of them died. I feel so
guilty because I’m here and they’re not and not a day goes by without me thinking about it. Why didn’t I die? Why was I the only lucky one?’ Joel questioned tears brimming in his eyes.

  ‘Oh goodness, you can’t think like that,’ Kate said, sitting forward and taking his hands in hers.

  ‘I know I have to try and move on but I just can’t. I’ve had counselling, I’ve had tablets to try and help but it doesn’t get any better. I can’t forget and I can’t sleep. I get nightmares and flashbacks and they’re so real, it’s like I’m there all over again. That day when the car backfired, I thought I was back there, you know I heard that sound every day and it still terrifies me,’ Joel continued the tears finally spilling from his eyes.

  ‘Oh Joel, don’t cry, please.’

  ‘Sorry, it’s just I had to tell you in case Darren told Lynn and she told you and I needed you to hear it from me. Darren was there you see, not there when it happened, but in Afghanistan at the same time, part of my regiment. After that day I couldn’t carry on, I couldn’t even bear to hold my gun any more and the smell of the uniform just made me wretch. And afterwards I know some of the others felt differently towards me and I couldn’t bear them looking at me, knowing they resented the fact I was alive and their mates weren’t. It wasn’t my fault they all got killed but it has to be my fault that I survived. Why wasn’t I up front that day? I was always up front, what made me hang back?’

  ‘I’m so sorry I pried and asked you about it, it’s none of my business and I apologise if I made things worse,’ Kate said, putting her arms around him and holding him tightly.

  ‘No, don’t be sorry. It isn’t your fault and it wasn’t just seeing Darren that made me need to tell you about it,’ Joel spoke, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and looking at Kate.

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘I haven’t been able to talk about it before. Not to anyone. I had counselling session after counselling session and I still couldn’t talk about that actual day.’

  ‘I still don’t understand.’

  ‘You said honesty was important to you and that’s why I had to tell you about Afghanistan, about what it did to me and how it still affects me.’

  ‘I appreciate that,’ Kate answered.

  ‘I’m not making myself clear am I?’

  ‘No.’

  Joel leant forward and kissed her on the mouth, softly and tenderly. Kate was taken aback but she didn’t move. She let him kiss her and she touched his cheek with her hand as he drew away again.

  ‘I’m trying to tell you that I’m falling for you,’ Joel blurted out.

  His words almost took Kate’s breath away. She took a deep breath inwards and just touched her lips with her fingers and looked at him, unable to speak.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking. You think I don’t know what I’m saying, you think that spending all this time together pretending to be a couple has clouded my judgement - well it hasn’t. I haven’t escorted since you asked me to help you win the money. I don’t know why, it just didn’t feel right. I felt something for you then and I wanted to find out what it was. I still want to find out,’ Joel continued.

  ‘I don’t know what to say. Is this because of what Miranda said? Because you don’t have to pretend anything because of that,’ Kate admitted.

  ‘I’m not pretending anything. Look, I know things are difficult for you right now, with Matthew, but I want to be much more than an escort to you Kate.’

  Kate swallowed as Joel took hold of her hand.

  ‘Have I just made a complete fool of myself?’ he asked her.

  ‘No, no of course not. I just had no idea you felt like that, no idea at all. I mean Miranda’s right, look at you, look at me,’ Kate spoke.

  ‘Why do you keep saying that? I’m nothing special, and you’ve just heard it, I’m damaged, on the inside. I don’t know whether that can ever be repaired. You, you are amazing. You’re strong and you’re beautiful and you have this big honest heart and you make me laugh. No one’s ever made me feel quite like you do. These past weeks learning about each other has been the best time I’ve had for such a long time.’

  Kate couldn’t say anything, the words were battering her heart, trying to fight their way in but for some reason she couldn’t open the door to them.

  ‘I shouldn’t have said anything; you don’t feel anything like the same way do you?’ Joel spoke, standing up and running his hands through his hair.

  ‘No. I mean, I don’t know, it’s complicated. I’m complicated and all this has come right out of the blue.’

  ‘And you’re still in love with Matthew. It’s OK; I think I already knew that.’

  ‘No, no I’m not and Joel you are so nice and if things were different then maybe...’

  ‘You’d consider it?’

  ‘Yes, but at the moment only in the “God he’s so hot I wonder what he would be like in bed” kind of way and that’s not really fair because there is so much more to you than that. I’m just not sure I’m ready for anything else yet,’ Kate responded, blushing as she spoke.

  ‘Thinking I’m hot is a start,’ Joel replied.

  ‘Of course you’re hot; I was the envy of every woman in that room tonight.’

  Joel smiled at her.

  ‘But you know that right?’

  ‘It’s just superficial. It isn’t important.’

  ‘No but...’

  ‘I thought your burlesque routine was the most sensual thing I’ve ever seen,’ Joel admitted, looking at Kate with his saucer-sized eyes.

  Kate swallowed and gazed back at him.

  ‘I couldn’t keep my eyes off you,’ he whispered.

  She could see his breathing was rapid and her own heart was banging an intense rhythm on her ribcage. A ripple of desire surged through her, heating up parts of her that had been cold for so long.

  ‘I really don’t want to sleep on this very small sofa,’ Joel admitted, coming back over to her.

  ‘I don’t want you to either,’ Kate found herself replying, shaking as he sat down next to her again.

  ‘Let’s just be honest with each other. I want you Kate. I want to hold you and kiss you and...’ Joel started, brushing her hair with his hand.

  ‘I want you too,’ Kate interrupted quickly desire overriding her mind.

  Joel kissed her; intensely this time and she clung to him, enjoying the sensation of his firmness against her. Effortlessly he picked her up and carried her into the bedroom.

  Twenty Three

  When Kate woke up it was to the sound of an annoyingly cheerful song on the radio and crockery being moved about. She opened her heavy eyes and looked around the room, for a moment unable to remember where she was. And then she looked at the pillow next to hers and recalled the previous night. She pulled the duvet up around her and closed her eyes again. It had been almost surreal, Joel kissing her and touching her every part. It had felt intense and unstoppable, new and exciting; however there had also been a sense of complete familiarity. She had given in to him so much more than she ever had with Matthew. It had been fantastic and she had felt like a woman again, not the porridge-splattered mother of a two year old.

  Though now morning was here she was scared. She didn’t know what this meant, if it meant anything. She hadn’t had time to think about herself at all since Matthew left. At the beginning she had wanted him back, no matter what he had said and done and in moments of weakness she did still think of him and how the plans she had for their future would now never be. But what she had never considered was her future without him, it had all been about Bethan, there hadn’t been a moment to think about Kate Baxter the young woman.

  She got out of bed and put on her robe. When she entered the kitchen Joel was stood at the hob tending to something he was cooking. He looked gorgeous, as always. His hair was wet and tousled from the shower and he was wearing jeans and a pale blue shirt.

  ‘Hi,’ Kate greeted.

  ‘Hi. Now listen, I know your idea of f
ood heaven is Admiral’s pie done in three minutes but I’ve made some fruit salad and salmon and scrambled eggs are almost ready,’ Joel informed, turning to look at her.

  ‘Oh, well it sounds great. Not quite Admiral’s pie but I suppose it will do,’ Kate remarked, swallowing the ‘morning after the night before’ awkwardness as best as she could.

  ‘Have a seat, I’ve made coffee too,’ Joel said, indicating the pot on the table.

  ‘You seem to have thought of everything.’

  ‘Well, I’ve been awake since four. I went for a run, I went in the hot tub, I went to the on-site shop as soon as it was open, breakfast was the next thing.’

  ‘You didn’t sleep,’ Kate remarked.

  ‘About an hour, but that’s good, really,’ Joel admitted with a smile.

  ‘Maybe you should go back to the doctor, tell him you’re still suffering,’ Kate suggested, trying her best to talk normally even though she couldn’t look at him without remembering the way he tasted.

  ‘I would, if I thought it would do any good. I haven’t heard that they’ve developed any miracle cures so I don’t think there’s anything else they can offer me. Apparently I’m meant to give it time. I’m hoping they don’t mean waiting until I’m drawing my pension,’ Joel replied as he dished up a plate of scrambled eggs and salmon and put it in front of Kate.

  ‘I could come with you,’ Kate suggested.

  ‘It’s OK, honestly.’

  Joel brought his plate to the table and sat down opposite her.

  ‘It smells delicious,’ Kate spoke, picking up her knife and fork.

  ‘I probably made too much. I like cooking and I like eating, bad, bad combination,’ Joel answered, grinning.

  Kate watched him eat. Last night he had undressed her so slowly she had been trembling by the time he so much as kissed the tip of her shoulder. She had held him close to her, run her hands down his back and across his thighs.

  ‘About last night...’ Kate said suddenly breaking her own daydream.

  ‘You want to forget it ever happened?’

  ‘No, I don’t want to forget it; I just want to know what I should be doing that’s all,’ Kate answered, flushing with embarrassment.