“Then I’m sorry for being a jerk last night.”
He seems confused. “So when you say your story is similar, what did you mean?”
My bottom lip trembles as I begin. “I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic. I thought it would be a new chapter in my life, but my husband didn’t agree. He didn’t want kids. He had a vasectomy the same week I miscarried and didn’t tell me about it.”
“Holy shit, Jamie, I’m sorry. Now I get why you were that bent out of shape last night.”
“You think you know someone, but the truth is it’s impossible to trust a person completely. Everyone has secrets. I should have known better. He was always secretive and controlling. For a time I thought I loved him.”
He wipes his eyes. “Look, I never met your husband, but he’s a damn fool.”
“Thanks. I appreciate you saying that, though I think you’re biased based on our history.”
“Maybe.” He finally smiles. “Do you ever wish we could go back?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Things happen for a reason. I think you’re too upset to talk about going back. Life is full of challenges. We can’t predict how things will go, but we have to learn to adapt and move forward.”
“I don’t know if I can. I love her. I could see us settling down and having a couple kids, but I don’t think she wants that. Why go along with this charade if I’m not the right guy for her? I feel betrayed. I mean, I know why she wouldn’t tell me. She knew I’d fight her to keep the baby. She knew I’d be against what she wanted to do.”
“I think she’s the one you need to talk to, not me. My opinions are different. If I had the chance to be a mother there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to make it happen. It’s not in the cards for me anymore though.”
“What do you mean?” He asks.
It’s hard to admit. I haven’t even told Avery this part. “I had complications when I miscarried. My doctor said it could prevent me from having other children.” I immediately begin to cry. Brant Wallace is the last person I want to know the horrible truth, but he’s here, and for some reason I understand how betrayed he feels. Of all the people in the world, he’s not my idea of a friend. For right now, he needs someone to listen, and after throwing him out, I’m not going to turn my back on him again.
“Damn, Jamie. That’s a shame. I remember how much you talked about having a house full of children and animals. Are you okay?”
I shrug and manage a fake smile. “I’m better than I was. It all happened quickly. It hit me hard. I’ve kept busy since then. Moving here and starting over has been a struggle, but I’m making the best of it. I know they say time heals all wounds. Maybe it will. I want to believe I’ll find happiness again.”
“You will,” he assures me. “You deserve to be happy.”
“So do you.”
We share an awkward glance before I have to turn away. “Do you know what you’re going to do?”
“With Leigh?”
“Yes.”
“No.” His facial expression shows me he’s frustrated and confused. “I don’t think I can look her in the eyes right now. She’s been calling me like crazy. She has to know I either know, or suspect something is up.”
“Has she called your brothers?”
“I told them not to take her calls. It’s none of their business. They tried to ask me what was going on. Coop asked if it was because of you.”
We both get a kick out of it. Everyone assumes the worst. “Do you think you could be with someone who doesn’t want children?”
He shrugs. “At this point, I’m not sure. I want to say I’ll forgive her, but I’m too pissed. This cuts deep, you know? How did it feel when you went through it?”
“I wanted to kill him.” I don’t even flinch or feel bad for saying it. “I wished that the doctor had slipped and cut off his genitals. My heart filled with hate before the sadness could cripple me. I felt like I was alone. My mother wanted us to work things out. She said a woman should make sacrifices for her husband, but I don’t think she gets it. Plus at the time neither of us knew about him slipping me the abortion pill.”
Brant stands up, his eyes wide and fixed on mine. His nostrils flare like he’s about to commit murder. “He did what?”
“His sister said he’d been talking about it before I miscarried. She thinks he’s the reason it happened.”
“You’re shitting me, right?”
I shake my head and peer down at my now shaking hands. “I wish I was. Because of him I may never be able to have a child.”
Brant walks toward me, sitting next to me on the sofa. He takes my hands and I don’t pull away. “I never should have pushed you out of my life, Jamie. Things could have been better. I’ll never forgive myself.”
“It’s not your fault.” I sniffle and peer down at our hands. It’s obvious he works with his. They are rough and calloused. I know if I close my eyes I can picture them touching me, holding me even. In some ways I know I could fall and he’d catch me. Being this close to him only reminds me of the good we shared between us. Now that I know he didn’t cheat on me my opinions have changed. I also wonder what could have been. “Where are you staying tonight?”
“Oyster Cove. I know she’s bound to show up there, and when she does I’ll deal with it.”
“If you love her you should hear her out. I’m not saying what she did was right, but it’s worth a listen. She might not be ready now, but she could still change her mind. Before this happened you were happy. You were planning on moving away together. Your relationship can’t be all that bad.”
“I thought it was great.”
He stares into my eyes again, and I immediately feel connected to him. This can’t happen. “You should probably get going. I wouldn’t want people to see your car outside and get the wrong idea.” I pull my hands away and watch him stand. He places his hands in his pockets and conjures a smile.
“You’re right.”
“Brant, I’m glad you stopped by. We needed to talk.”
“Yeah, we did. I’d like it if we could be friends. It kills me knowing you’re living here in town and I have to stay away.”
I extend my hand. “Friends then.”
He takes my hand and pulls it up to his lips. “My mom always said life is good as long as you have faith. Whenever things are terrible I imagine her saying that to me. Maybe it’ll help you.”
“Your mother was a kind soul. I can’t imagine how much you all miss her.”
“We do. It’s a little easier nowadays. Dad still goes to the cemetery. His new wife is pretty amazing.”
“I saw they named the restaurant after your mother.”
“Alice’s idea. She brought my dad back to life, that’s for sure. Their story gives me hope. What was once lost can still be found.”
I don’t want to assume he’s talking about us, but that’s how I take his comment. As soon as he says it he leaves, never turning back to wave or smile. I lean against the door and watch his truck pull away. When I’m back inside I sink down to the couch and let my emotions go awry. I spilled my guts to Brant, and he listened. He cared. He gave me more attention than my own husband gave me our whole marriage. Instead of telling me to get over it, he helped me understand that things can get better if I’m patient. This isn’t the man I’ve resented for almost ten years. He’s changed. His fiancée doesn’t know how lucky she is. We were too young. Too much came between us. She has a chance to spend her life with the first man I ever loved. A part of me is jealous, while the other side wants what’s best for him. I can’t imagine what he’s going through, or if he’ll forgive her. No matter what I’m going to be happy for him. I can’t hate a man in pain, nor can I hold a grudge over the hardest time in his life. I’d rather forgive and have a true friend. Apparently they are hard to come by.
Before I head to bed I make a call to Avery. I was wrong about her. My apology will be quick and then I’ll beg her to forgive me.
Chapter 12
; Brant
The following morning, after ignoring more phone calls, Leigh shows up at Oyster Cove. The sun hasn’t begun to rise, but I can tell she’s been crying. Her cheeks and eyes are swollen, and her nose stuffy when she speaks.
I lead her out onto the deck so we can talk alone. “If you have something to say spit it out. I have to get ready for work.”
“Brant,” she whispers. “Please don’t do this.”
“I can’t look at you the same, Leigh. It was wrong to go through your phone, but I was worried after the hospital called. How do you think it felt to read text messages talking about this being the second time you aborted?”
Her voice cracks, while she continues to plead. “You don’t understand. I couldn’t tell you. It’s my body and I’m not ready for it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you don’t want children? Why string me along?”
“I’m not.”
I clench my jaw to keep from saying something my parents wouldn’t be proud of. I was taught to respect people, even in the worse of situations. This is by far one of those times. “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this.”
She nods. “I get it. I do. Just tell me it isn’t over. Tell me we still have a future, Brant. I love you so much. I didn’t tell you because I knew it would hurt you. I’m so sorry.”
She reaches out for me but I step away. “Don’t. I need time.”
“How much time? There’s something you should know, though.”
“Spare me the details. I need time. As much fucking time as it takes, Leigh. If you don’t like it then walk away. I have nothing to say to you right now. I’m pissed and hurt, and even being near you makes me want to do things I said I’d never do to a female. I need you to go.”
“Okay, I’ll leave.”
I watch her start walking down the wooden stairs. “Please forgive me, Brant. I love you. If you’d just let me tell you...”
I motion for her to go away and enter the home without a further goodbye.
I love her too. That’s the problem. I feel like she’s taken a knife and stabbed me in the heart. A few days ago we were planning our future, and now I’m not sure if I can be with someone like her any longer. She cheated me out of being a father, and this probably wasn’t the first time.
My family is aware something is going on between us, though none of them have asked. I’m certain Alice has mentioned things to my dad, but he’ll wait until I go to him to talk about it.
The following day I’m in no better shape. I haven’t slept. My mind wouldn’t let me rest. I kept thinking about the could have been possibilities, not to mention everything I now have to deal with. It feels as if I’ve been living with a stranger. The loving caring girlfriend that I fell in love with has a wicked evil side she refused to display. Now I’m stuck reaping the consequences of her betrayal.
I feel like a moron. Who doesn’t notice these kinds of things? I thought living together before marriage helped couples see those other sides. Now a decision needs to be made, and I hate to have to do it.
The bottom line is that I can’t trust her. Looking at her makes my skin crawl and blood boil. She’s the epitome of a good person in my eyes right now. How would our relationship continue to prosper with that type of negativity hanging over our heads?
After work, I head over to the apartment. I know she’ll be at school, so I quickly gather all of my belongings and leave a note explaining how I feel. It’s better this way. I don’t want to break her heart, and I know it’s happening, but I also can’t face her. It’s a lose-lose situation. Neither of us are going to walk out of this happy, and it’s her fault.
Leigh:
I know this isn’t how we saw our relationship going. When you came into my life I felt joy for the first time in a while. You were caring. You made me feel like the luckiest man. Trust is a big deal to me. My mom always told us kids that trust is how we survive. It’s knowing who our friends should be, and determining who to steer clear of. Right now I can’t trust you. What you’ve done has broken my heart. I have nothing but ill feelings regarding our current situation, so I need time to myself to reflect on where we go from here. I’m not writing this to give you false hope. As much as it pains me, I don’t know if forgiveness is possible. Please don’t call or stop by. I meant what I said about needing time.
Brant
With all of my things packed high in the front and back of my pick-up, I leave the apartment not knowing if I’ll ever return.
It’s been another week. My back is killing me from trying to sleep on the couch. I toss and turn having explicit dreams of Leigh and Jamie, nothing erotic or fun either. The longer I go without seeing Leigh, the more my mind wanders to Jamie. I was so elated about her agreeing to be my friend again that I’ve been unable to react. I want to stop by, but something keeps me away. Maybe it’s my conscience.
It’s not really about a friendship. It’s never been that easy when it comes to her. Being around her makes it feel like time stands still. When I look into her eyes I see the pure love she exudes. Giving her up has always haunted me, so of course I fantasize about having another go, yet it’s not as simple as I’d like it to be.
I crushed Jamie. I’m lucky enough to have something in common with her to bring us back to a good place. I can’t jeopardize that by throwing myself out there and making it awkward if she doesn’t feel the same way about me. Unlike myself, Jamie didn’t leave our relationship totally happy and in love. I was the first person to devastate her. Things like that aren’t forgotten. They’re what the next relationship is based on, and how to weed out the asshole who could potentially do it again. Unfortunate for Jamie, she happened to marry a real scumbag. If I ever met him in person I can’t begin to imagine the horrible things I’d like to do to him as payback for the way he treated Jamie.
Not that my way of breaking things off with Jamie was any better, but at least it was because I didn’t want to drag her along as I self destructed. I wanted better for her, because I loved her that much.
I wait three more days before I conjure up the nerve to go see her. With a bouquet of daisies in my grasp, I knock on the door and wait. I ring the bell again after a few minutes. Noticing her vehicle is parked in the driveway, I head over to the animal hospital next door to see if she’s over there, but it’s locked. At this point I should probably assume she’s gone somewhere close, but her bicycle is leaning up against the house.
Then I feel like she’s purposely avoiding me. I walk back to the front of the house and sit the flowers down on her steps, proceeding to get back in my truck and drive away. That’s when I hear yelling. It’s coming from the back of the yard. At first I listen, but only hear one voice – hers.
Rushing to make sure she’s okay, I find Jamie sitting next to a small pond. Her knees are brought up to her chest, her phone still in her hand, while she’s in tears sobbing.
I creep up beside her so I don’t frighten her, but in turn do exactly that. She jumps and places her palm on her heart. “Jesus, Brant.”
“Sorry.” I throw up my hands. “I heard yelling.”
“Yeah,” she adjusts the way she’s sitting. It’s fall, but she’s wearing a t-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts that hug her curves. My eyes draw her in, while my heart reminds me she’s fragile.
“Want to talk about it?”
“My parents aren’t coming for Thanksgiving. It was a tradition for mine and my ex’s families to spend the holiday together at my parents house, and since they’re all still friends they expect me to come home and be cordial.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Nope,” she says in a flippant tone. “I’m not joking. My parents want me to put on a smile and be thankful.”
“You going to do it?”
She leans her chin against her knees. “No. I’m going to stay here.”
“Can you go celebrate with your uncle?”
She shakes her head. “No. He’s going to his new lady’s daughter’s hous
e. I’m sure I could tag along, but I don’t know them. I’d rather stay here. I’ll get an oven roaster and watch Christmas movies all day. I might even break out some decorations from the attic and make it look like Santa threw up all over the house.”
“That sounds lonely.”
Jamie shrugs. “I’m used to being alone. I think I need a dog or maybe a cat.”
“How about a roommate?”
She gives me this look like I have five heads. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, I moved out of Leigh’s apartment, but Oyster Cove is too full of people. I’ve had to sleep on the couch for weeks. I’m getting old, so my back is taking a beating. It would be nice to have my own room, with a real bed, maybe some posters of trucks and hot women plastered all over the walls, some cheetah sheets. You get the idea.”
Jamie shoves me. “I can’t take you seriously.”
“Okay, some of that may have been exaggerated. I am serious about the room though. I’d pay rent. I have no problem helping out with utilities, and you know I’m good for it. I’d even stay out of your way.”
“Did you really come here to ask if you could move in with me?”
I smirk and then laugh. It’s probably a terrible idea. “Well, you said you were lonely and I’m homeless. Why not?”
“You know why.”
We stop bickering and stare at one another for a few seconds. I smile and she does the same. “Just as friends Jamie. I’d never take advantage of you.”
“You have before.”
My guffaw doesn’t help plead my case. “Look, back then was different. I didn’t take advantage of you. We need to call a truce, once and for all. No more talking about our past. Let’s pretend we just met. We’re both grown adults. We’ve changed.”
“True, but a leopard doesn’t ...”
“Don’t you dare give me one of your ridiculous analogies.”
“It’s not.”
“Whatever it is,” I argue. “Let’s not go there.”
Half Shelled Heart (Oyster Cove, #2) Page 8