Queen of the Clueless (Interim Goddess of Love)

by Mina V. Esguerra

I wanted to get my shirt off from the floor and put it back on, and was relieved to discover that I could. When I was fully clothed again, he retreated, looking satisfied.

  "I can't seem to ask Sol to do anything, Hannah. I'm surprised that this worked. Maybe she's more special than you."

  A flood of thoughts:

  I too am more special than Sol, you just didn't get the memo!

  Thank goodness he hasn't been able to command Sol to do awful kinky stuff.

  Oh no he just realized he can command other people to do awful kinky stuff.

  I could see that the last thought had occurred to him at the same time.

  "Well maybe if it doesn't work out with Sol, I won't be so lonely after all," he said. I felt his hand grip my elbow again, and I wanted to shudder. He relaxed his fingers, and color—actually, regular night sky darkness—returned all around me.

  He blinked and fixed his shirt; something was caught in the yellow collar. He looked at me expectantly.

  I cleared my throat. What was he expecting me to say?

  Act oblivious. "We shouldn't miss the bonfire, Neil," I said, cheerfully, trying not to look at his jeans, trying not to kick him in the nuts and break his phone. But I couldn't make him angry, not when he could do things to me like this. Effortlessly.

  He smiled. Maybe I made the right call.

  "Are you joining me and Sol? We're watching it."

  "Oh you are? No, no, I'll leave you two alone then."

  "Are you sure?"

  His smiled dropped a little. He turned his head to one side. My hand was shaking. And he was looking at it.

  "Well I'm gonna go," I said. "Catch you later, okay?"

  I waved and walked toward the stairwell. And then I ran down three flights of stairs.

  Chapter 19

  At some point my mind was so filled with stuff that I had gone on autopilot, heading toward the bonfire instead of out the gate and home which I actually wanted to do. When I realized it, I was already back in the crowd, watching the large flames dangerously lick at the night sky.

  "Hannah."

  Hannahhhhhhh.

  Oh please. I did not have the time for this.

  "Vida," I said, instinctively turning to one side and finding her highness right next to me. "Not tonight."

  She was smiling at me. Actually, at my arm. A few months ago, she sort of touched my wrist and for a moment it looked like a bright, glowing bracelet attached itself to me, but it disappeared and I hadn't seen it since. Or I had just imagined the whole thing.

  Her smile right then, it looked like maybe she was enjoying the control she had as she was the main attraction of the night's festivities again, and not Kathy the reality show star. "You're not there yet."

  "I know, I know, let's just get this over with. Are you done?"

  "You should enjoy yourself. It's a party."

  "I don't like fire."

  I backed out of this conversation, accidentally stepping on someone's toes, and when I looked up to offer a quick apology I found out whose toes they were.

  "Hannah!"

  "Ms. Farrah." My voice was usually more respectful, but I couldn't help it. "What happened with Ms. Cabral? Why is Quin—? Why does he even know you were asking around about her?"

  Ms. Farrah was more apologetic than she ever needed to be. I knew that in my head, but I did nothing to make her stop. "He promised he wouldn't say anything!"

  "Say what?"

  "I saw Denise. She had a small birthday party recently, with some of the faculty. It's where I asked her if she was seeing anybody. Quin was there too."

  "So, is she?"

  "Seeing anybody? I'm not sure."

  "What do you mean, not sure? It's a yes or a no."

  "I'm sorry, I didn't understand what she meant, and then Quin came over and interrupted us, and I didn't get any alone time with her anymore..."

  My brain started to hurt. But each time it throbbed, it was my heart that hurt. "What did she say?"

  "She said, 'Soon I finally can.' Sorry, I don't understand."

  Cheers erupted and we both looked in the direction of the fire. But everyone was looking at the facade of the Student Center, where a large tarpaulin banner had just been unfurled.

  Congratulations, seniors. Graduation was six weeks away.

  Why would Quin even be at that birthday party? I understood more than she did.

  "I'm really sorry," Ms. Farrah said.

  I should have trained my devotees to be stealthier. More effective. "Next time, just—"

  Next time what? Try to outwit the Sun God? It was no use. "Whatever. I'm going home," I said.

  The gate. I willed myself to head to the gate this time. My headache was getting worse, and the happy people pushing against me, all giddy about graduating, didn't help at all.

  "Hannah."

  "Oh god all right already!" was my immediate response, only to turn around and see Robbie. "I'm sorry."

  He looked confused, and then crushed. I knew he was crushed because I felt it, like his own heart had punched his gut. "I'm sorry. Did I interrupt something?" he asked.

  "No no, I'm so sorry. I just want to go home."

  "I'll walk you."

  "No, don't let me keep you from the party."

  "I'm not a senior. It's not for me, I don't care about this. I'd rather walk with you."

  I paused for a moment, and tried to tune out all the noise in my head—the partying college students, the fire hazard, the pretty teacher, the mean girl, the scary guy on the roof, the unexpected first kiss.

  And found that Robbie meant every word he was saying, and the one thing he was afraid of right then was that I was going to walk away.

  How nice, to have a simple fear like that. I conveniently had the solution for it.

  "I would like that please," I said. I took his hand, and as his fingers accepted mine I felt my headache lose its power. It must have shown in my face because he looked at me with such warmth, and he started feeling better. Which felt just awesome. A chain reaction of feeling not-crappy. It felt like, if I let it go on, I could actually feel safe and secure again.

  Shouldn't love be like this?

  Chapter 20

  I'm watching a fire.

  It's a monster of a fire. It's consuming all that I can see, raging red and orange and yellow and black. I'm watching it and I'm so sad, so full of regret.

  I'm crying.

  Is this all my fault?

  When will this end?

  "Everything ends," says a voice that comes from nowhere but is everywhere all the same.

  But it's taking so long, I say.

  "If what was lost can be restored in a heartbeat—"

  I know, I know, then it was never lost at all. But this is so painful to watch.

  "It should be."

  Do you know where he is?

  "Yes."

  Will I have to wait long?

  "For you the wait would be long, yes."

  The words that come from nowhere make me feel like the fire is here for me. My tears mingle with mist mingled with smoke.

  Father? I say this and realize that I shouldn't. Should I wait?

  "It doesn't matter what I say."

  Of course it does.

  "Not to you."

  I'm such an amateur at this. I already decided, didn't I? I decided not to wait.

  The voice does not respond.

  I woke up insanely early the next morning, sure that Quin wanted to talk to me.

  He didn't call, or text, or anything else. All I knew was it was five a.m., a full hour and a half before my alarm clock was set to ring, but I couldn't get back to sleep. So I showered, brushed my teeth, made instant coffee in a plastic tumbler, and locked the door on my way out.

  When I got to the roof of the North building, true enough, they were already there. From lazy autopilot mode, my defense mechanisms suddenly came alive, but for different triggers.

  Trigger number one, Vida, in a black business suit, red scarf
around her neck. Like an evil receptionist, looking out toward the graduation tarp she had unveiled at the bonfire. I didn't realize she would be there. She was never there when I talked to Quin about god stuff. Seeing her around always made me feel like I was being tested.

  Trigger number two, Diego, still in last night's clothes, sitting on a concrete block, yawning at the floor. When he saw me the look on his face barely changed, and yet all of my insides suddenly warmed up. It wasn't even him—it was that blasted makeout session, and seeing him just made me relive it just a little.

  Trigger number three, Quin. I had a moment to take it in, how he always looked great in the morning, but he looked like he was ready to growl at me.

  Panic attack, not knowing how to defend against all three. So I sort of laughed. "Okay, let's start this meeting," I went, just as annoyingly cheery as I wanted to be.

  "What happened last night?" Quin demanded.

  Not in the mood for pleasantries then.

  "A lot of things happened last night." I wasn't sure what he and the teacher had been up to, but no one's night could have been more overwhelming than mine. I blinked and hoped Quin wasn't reading my mind.

  "He means the boy who can control you," Vida said, still not bothering to even look in my direction. She didn't seem sleepy at all. "We heard that he did it again last night."

  "Are you spying on me? I didn't tell anybody..."

  Vida found this funny, and her laugh made me feel like the amateur she always said I was. "You think the three of us here are the only gods in the family? There are others, and they tell us things."

  Quin made another growly face. "What did he do to you?"

  "We talked. I'm fine," I insisted. "He's a perv, but he didn't hurt me. I know what he did, I was conscious the entire time."

  "But you couldn't stop him?"

  "I couldn't."

  "But you were aware of everything, while he was manipulating you."

  "I said that already."

  "What's different?"

  "What?"

  He paused, and in that moment I imagined that he had talked himself down from shaking me out of frustration. "What's different about last night? He was able to control you before, and you weren't conscious of it."

  "I don't know."

  Diego stirred, slightly, dragging his foot on the ground. And it was like Quin realized he was there.

  The God of the Sea shrugged. "She was awake. That's what matters."

  Whatever that meant, it didn't help Quin's mood at all. He still had that silent anger thing going, but that look he gave Diego, even I could see that there was so much history to it.

  And Diego sort of deflected it by sending back a smirk.

  "Does that mean I can actually handle him? Or at least learn to?" I asked.

  Quin went all strict teacher on me. "Does he know this? That you're aware of what he did to you?"

  I wanted to claim ignorance, but suddenly felt that the unseen gods were scrutinizing my every word. "I think... maybe. For a moment there I think he noticed something about me. He mentioned that maybe I was 'special' like him too."

  "Then you shouldn't be near him at all."

  Wait a second. I didn't really want to be within phone camera distance of him either, but that sounded like an order. One I instinctively didn't want to accept. "I think I can help, whatever it is you plan to do with him."

  "He touched you and made you do something against your will. You're not to go near him at all."

  "Maybe she just needs to spend more time with me, and we can solve this on our own," Diego countered.

  It was one of those rhetorical statements of course. I looked away. Awkward.

  What a complicated friendship, if that's what Quin and Diego had. Were they brothers? It made sense to me to think that they were, but I never asked. It explained though why Diego constantly challenged him, yet deferred to him at the same time. And why Quin put up with such a loose cannon, as if he were responsible for Diego somehow.

  "You've got to be kidding," Vida's voice brought us all back. "You two are not still fighting about that."

  "There's nothing to fight over," Quin said, still staring down Diego.

  I expected Diego to get up and in Quin's face, but he leaned back against his elbows instead, and smiled.

  "If Quin says so it must be true," he said.

  They lost me. This just became a class I was totally late for, and couldn't catch up with.

  "What's the big deal?" I asked. "Maybe it's not as dangerous as you think it is. He admitted to me that he can't control Sol, just like I can't."

  "So she is with him because she wants to be, not because he is making her stay," Quin said to me. "I told you not to get yourself involved this way. She's making a free choice."

  "Really? Did you tell me it was forbidden? No you didn't!"

  This actually made Vida turn our way, interested. "Soledad Delloro is immune? I was wondering who it would be."

  "Immune?" I said.

  "It's a trick our father plays on us," Diego said, "Whenever we're here playing human. There's always someone nearby we have no power over."

  "That person responds only to Bathala," Quin added.

  "You didn't tell me that," I told him. "You knew that I was having trouble reading her. I used to be able to. So apparently I can't now, no matter how hard I try?"

  "I didn't know Father would choose her."

  "Also, Quin likes to withhold things. Important things," Diego said, smiling. "But you already know that."

  "What are you fighting over?" I asked.

  Vida lost interest again, and resumed acting like she had more important things to do at six a.m. "Can we just talk about the boy? What did Father say we could do to him?"

  "The boy is not to be touched," Quin said.

  "Really," Diego countered. "This bastard can manipulate and control us, and Father is going to let him walk. He said that, or are you speaking for him again?"

  "Maybe it's just her who's weak." Vida said that, of course.

  "Maybe you should walk up to him and shake his hand, Vida, and see for yourself," I said.

  Diego smiled, but the other two didn't find that so funny.

  "He is not to be touched," Wet Blanket of Everything reiterated.

  "What can you do to him?" I asked no one in particular.

  "He can just disappear," Vida said. "I can make him disappear."

  "I can make him scream, before he disappears," Diego added.

  "That doesn't help us find out why he can do this," Quin said. "He is not to be touched, and if you try, you answer to me."

  Did that work? Were two actual gods going to stand down just because he said so?

  "I'm with Quin," I said. "Sol is in love with him. What happens to her if you do anything to him?"

  "We are not a democracy. I don't need your vote. I will seek Father's counsel on this and you all should just stay away from the boy, if you don't want to make things harder for us."

  That was the coldest he'd ever been to me.

  Suddenly I was so glad this goddess thing was a temporary arrangement. How could I take an eternity of this?

  Of course less than an hour later, I was defying Quin. My own psych profs would say I was deliberately doing this, but I really wasn't. Why would I sabotage the shreds of friendship we had left?

  I started with the best intentions, trying to think of how exactly I could avoid Neil, when he was probably just somewhere within campus right that minute. How long did Quin need to "seek counsel"? Would it be better for me if I just found a rock to crawl under?

  I considered cutting class again, but forgot how many cuts I had left. I was pretty sure I was allowed nine per class per semester. Surely I hadn't used them all yet. And even if I had, Quin would be able to get me out of trouble, wouldn't he? It was his order to avoid Neil at all costs, anyway.

  While worrying about this I grabbed a pastry from the cafeteria, and a phone call came in as I was paying for it.


  "Hannah? I hope you're not in the middle of class or something. Can you talk?"

  "I'm sorry, who is this?"

  "Annie Delloro. Sol's mom."

  "Hi, tita. What's up?"

  "Are you coming over today too?"

  "What?" Coming over? Tita Annie lived in Naga, like, a nine-hour drive from Ford River.

  "It's my birthday and Sol just suddenly told me that she's coming home today and with company! But she's not picking up her phone. Are you going too? What time should I expect you? Because I made birthday plans too you know, and Sol did say she wanted to bring you over one of these days but I thought I'd get more notice..."

  Tita Annie was old school, someone who enjoyed phone conversations. She had never called me before, but I'd joined some of her phone calls with Sol, so she just comfortably settled in and chatted away.

  But no, I did not know that Sol was going to Naga. I would have known if she were skipping school to head home for the weekend. It seemed like her own mother was thrown off by it too, which wasn't good at all.

  That probably meant that Neil was in charge.

  Why would he...?

  But he couldn't get Sol to...

  Why would he need to go all the way...

  My head started to throb. "Tita Annie," I said, cutting her off as politely as I could. "Happy birthday. And yes, I'm coming over today too. Can I have your exact address please?"

  Great. Now I just needed to figure out how to get to Naga.

  Chapter 21

  "…So, you've been to Naga before? You seem to know how to do this."

  "Just passing through. Coach took us to Caramoan in CamSur, summer outing on my first year in the team. We made a stop in Naga before heading off to the resort."

  "Is it nice there?"

  "I had a really good toasted siopao. And are you into spicy? Their food is spicier than the Manila version by default."

  "I don't have spicy food very often."

  "You should try it."

  "I don't know. I might cry all over my shirt."

  "Milk is what'll kill it. I'll make sure you've got some."

  "Thank you."

  "Sol doesn't know you're coming?"

  "She's not picking up her phone. But we've been weird lately anyway. I mean, I'm not crazy for thinking she shouldn't be with this guy, right?"