The Onion Presents Chronicles Of The Area Man

by The Onion

  Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School

  JEFFERSON, MO—Contrary to what he had been assured about adult life, local resident Mike Glick, 24, reported Monday that he is even less popular than he was in high school.

  Glick, who has even fewer friends than he did six years ago.

  "One of the biggest incentives to endure high school is the idea that the misery will end once you graduate," Glick said. "What I wasn't told is that people are basically the same dicks, except with more money and fewer opportunities to say 'Smell my finger.'"

  Glick, a part-time clerk for a Jefferson law firm, added that he has not advanced in status or self-fulfillment in the six years since graduating from James Monroe High School. In fact, he said he believes he has regressed considerably.

  "At least in high school, teachers cared if you didn't show up for class or weren't paying attention," Glick said. "And in retrospect, being slammed against the lockers helped shape my identity. At least I had something to react to. Now, I just feel adrift."

  Glick paused to check his e-mail inbox, where he found a company-wide e-mail from a law partner whose billable hours he had itemized that morning.

  Glick was one of the least distinguished members of Monroe High's Class of 1998. Too timid to rebel and not confident enough to be well-liked, Glick was at least noticed long enough to occasionally be mocked. Once known by such names as "Glicklicker" and "Suck My Glick," he said he is now more likely to be referred to as "the guy in payroll. No, the shorter one."

  "When high-school graduates enter the world, they meet people with whom they share common interests," said Dr. Sharon Kesselbein, a Kansas City-based psychologist and former public-school guidance counselor. "While being cast into a wider world can be disorienting, it can also be liberating and enriching. The young person discovers that he isn't so strange or misbegotten, as he's opened up to friendships with people who are making similar discoveries and experiencing a similar openness. So none of this happened to [Glick], huh? Really?"

  Glick said he thinks his lack of social status can be traced to decisions he made right after graduation.

  "Maybe it's because I stayed in town rather than going away to school," said Glick, whose stint at Jefferson Business College resulted in a two-year accounting degree and no real acquaintances, save for a brief friendship with his evangelical Laotian-American seating partner at freshman orientation. "Maybe if I had gone to South Dakota State like my friend Ted Carpenter, or to North Carolina like Sean Rudy, things would have been different."

  Carpenter and Rudy were friends—or perhaps more accurately, lunchtime buddies—of Glick's. Carpenter, Rudy, and Glick shared an interest in science fiction and a tendency toward unpopularity, but when Carpenter and Rudy left Jefferson, Glick lost contact with them.

  "In the lunchroom at work, I usually sit alone," Glick said. "But a few months ago, I tried sitting down with a couple of paralegals, just to see what would happen. They didn't groan and scatter like my classmates would have in high school. In fact, my coworkers didn't appear to notice me at all. Their conversation continued uninterrupted, and no one seemed ill at ease. I didn't even get a single wayward glance. After about five minutes, I got up and walked off. Now, I just eat at my desk."

  The working life has given Glick certain material advantages denied him as a jobless teenager, such as his own apartment and new clothes. In high school, Glick was teased about his sparse and shabby wardrobe, and this led him to believe that an opportunity to purchase a larger wardrobe would lead to increased popularity.

  "I quickly realized that no one cares what I wear," Glick said. "This pair of khakis I have on and one or two dress shirts are basically enough to get me through the week. I have a tie in my desk in case a senior partner calls me to his office, but that never happens."

  At that point, Glick's phone began to ring, offering a ray of hope to the lonely man. On the other end was a misdirected client seeking a tax lawyer whose name Glick wasn't familiar with.

  Kesselbein, however, offered hope for Glick.

  "Popularity may be the most sought-after and wished-for thing among young people, but high school doesn't last forever, and adults have to fall back on other things, like knowledge and common sense," Kesselbein said. "The content of your character is more important than whether you can throw a football or how much you weigh. Really, it's true. I'm an expert, and I spend all day and night studying these things."

  Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen

  SALEM, OR—The Alan Guttmacher Institute released a report Friday that showed a dramatic increase in teen sexual activity, a finding that surprised policy-makers, public-health professionals, and 17-year-old Tom Ellis.

  Tom Ellis, who was surprised by statistics showing that other teens are having sex (below).

  "So, more teens are having sex, are they?" Ellis asked Monday. "Well, I'm not sure where those guys got all their data, but it sure wasn't from me."

  Ellis, a senior this fall at Sprague High School in Salem, learned of the trend while watching television at home Saturday, as he does most weekend nights. A 20/20 story titled "The Teen Sex Epidemic" informed him that 82.6 percent of his peers aged 15 to 19 have engaged in some form of sexual contact with another person.

  "Really?" Ellis asked. "Eight out of 10 teens? There's an epidemic?"

  While excited by the findings on teen sexuality, Ellis has yet to observe the increase in his own life.

  "I mean, it's summer, and I can't help but notice all the girls wearing sexy dresses and tank tops and stuff," he said. "But, does that mean I'm one millimeter closer to getting some tail? No, sir."

  "Doesn't matter that I've grown six inches this year, that I've been working out in my basement, or that I dress in Gap clothes, like everyone else," Ellis continued. "Girls like Kelly [Mehan] and Michelle [Lehrer] still totally ignore me. At this rate, I'll be lucky to French [kiss] a girl before college."

  Sexual Activity Among Teens

  Although teen sexual activity is on the rise, the Guttmacher report indicated that the teen pregnancy rate has dropped to a 13-year low.

  "More teens are engaging in sex, but a larger percentage of them are doing so responsibly," said Dr. Jerry Kendall, a senior researcher for the Guttmacher Institute. "There's an increased access to and acceptance of proper contraceptives, mainly the condom, even among the disenfranchised teen population. An additional factor is the marked casualization of oral sex, which is often substituted for full intercourse."

  "Really?!" Ellis asked. "Blow jobs? Well, that national trend hasn't spread to Salem yet, because I'm about one blow job shy of joining that statistic. It would take a miracle to get a girl to go down on me."

  Ellis did confirm that he would use a condom if he were to have sex.

  "You have sex, you wear a condom," said Ellis, who has practiced proper condom use alone in his bedroom. "At least that's what everybody says. I certainly wouldn't know from experience because, clearly, I'm a freak. I'm one of the pathetic 18 percent who still haven't even seen, much less touched, a naked breast. Well, rest assured: When and if I ever get the chance to have sex, I will definitely know how to put on a condom."

  Teens who, unlike Ellis, are engaging in sexual activity.

  Although Ellis has carefully documented his intense desire for a sexual encounter in his journal, that desire hasn't translated into sexual activity. Ellis insisted that this is not by choice.

  "Hey, I'm not one of those weird abstinence kids," Ellis said. "There's nothing I would like better than to waste myself on the wrong girl. I just want to know: Where in the hell are all these millions of loose teenage girls? Because they certainly don't go to my school."

  According to friend Doug Binder, Ellis' chances of joining the growing ranks of the sexually experienced are slim.

  "Tom?" Binder asked. "He's doomed to virginity, just like me. But, hey, that doesn't stop us from talking and thinking about sex all the freaking time.
For all our yapping about what we'd do if we were ever alone with a girl, neither of us is anywhere near getting some action."

  Although he admitted he was startled by the report, Ellis said he remains hopeful for the future.

  "I've still got two years to get laid and join the majority," Ellis said. "I mean, I've heard guys talking about all the girls they've slept with, but I thought they were just making it up. Turns out, everyone really was having sex all that time. Well, thanks, 20/20. Now I know what a complete loser I am."

  Area Mom Could Have Made Same Meal At Home For Much Cheaper

  NAPERVILLE, IL—During an outing to Chisholm's Family Restaurant Monday, Sandy Wiersma, 43, repeatedly told her family that she could have made the same food at home for significantly less money.

  Sandy Wiersma.

  "When I saw the menu, I just couldn't believe we were paying for things I easily could have made at home for a fraction of the price," Wiersma said. "It just seemed like a real waste of money to me."

  After mentally calculating what it would have cost to prepare the meals ordered by herself, her husband, and their two children, Wiersma said she was "flabbergasted."

  "For what we're shelling out on [son] Eric's cheeseburger and fries alone, I could have made dinner for the entire family," Wiersma said. "We all could have had nice cheeseburgers and fries, with plenty left over for baked beans and cole slaw. Plus, I would have toasted the bun just the way Eric likes it."

  The restaurant outing was the idea of family patriarch Bob Wiersma, who said it served the dual purpose of "giving Mom a break" and providing a much-needed change of scenery.

  "I told her, 'Don't worry about the price, Sandy,'" Bob recalled. "'Let's live it up a little.' Boy, did that backfire."

  Sandy said she was upset that none of the dishes ordered were out of her culinary grasp, yet all were priced at least four times the cost of her homemade versions.

  "It just seems so wasteful," Sandy said. "My chicken parmesan was $12.95, and I could have easily made it for the entire family for under $10. I could have picked up two nice chicken breasts at the Jewel for $5 and cut each one in half, making four servings. A good jar of tomato sauce would be $3, tops, and a 16-ounce box of pasta you can get for next to nothing. And I think I have everything I'd need for breading the chicken just sitting in the cupboard."

  Added Sandy: "And you can bet my pasta wouldn't have been watery and overcooked."

  Sandy tried to keep her worries over the cost of the dinner to herself for most of the evening. She felt compelled, however, to speak out against 12-year-old daughter Jenny's choice of a grilled-cheese sandwich as an entree.

  "Mom was like, 'Why did you order that?'" Jenny said. "I told her that's what I felt like, so that's what I got. She was freaking out, going off about how I could make a grilled cheese at home for two weeks straight for what they're charging. I was like, 'Mom, I just want a grilled cheese. Don't be such a spaz.'"

  According to Jenny, Monday's incident was not the first time her mother has fretted over spending money on items she could have made herself.

  "If we ask to buy a Halloween costume from a store, she has a total conniption," Jenny said. "Every year, she tells us that with a little imagination and elbow grease, we can have better costumes than the store-bought stuff. I don't know how many times I've had to be a California Raisin for Halloween because she won't let us go out and buy something cool."

  Bob, the family's primary breadwinner, expressed consternation over his wife's thrifty ways.

  "I keep telling her we're doing fine, moneywise," Bob said. "It's okay to spend a little to enjoy a nice night out at a restaurant. She'll agree to eat out, but then eventually, at some point in the evening, she'll say, 'You think it's worth paying $8.95 for a $2 plate of chicken fingers just to enjoy this décor? This place is nice, but it's not that nice.'"

  Anxious to avoid such situations in the future, Bob said he will make an effort only to bring the family to restaurants that serve foods his wife does not know how to prepare.

  "Next time, we'll go to a foreign place and try to pass it off as a 'family-enrichment night,'" Bob said. "There's a Chi-Chi's over in Downers Grove I've always wanted to go to, and I'm pretty sure Sandy doesn't know how to make Mexican, so it should be a more relaxed evening for us all."

  20 Percent Of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically

  LOUISVILLE, KY—Alex Vartan, 24, a Louisville-area convenience-store cashier and part-time DJ, spends 20 percent of his income ironically, sources reported Monday.

  Vartan in his irony-filled apartment.

  "I know I should really try to sock away some cash, but there's just so much funny shit out there," Vartan said. "Like, just yesterday, I passed by this Christian bookstore, and in the window they had those statues of Jesus playing basketball and a bunch of other sports with little kids. Now, how are you supposed to pass something like that up?"

  Though his job as a cashier doesn't provide much in the way of disposable income, Vartan spends roughly one-fifth of his $21,000-a-year salary on such ironic items as Future Farmers of America jackets, Successories posters, and Knight Rider lunchboxes.

  Vartan's love affair with irony-based shopping began in high school, when he bought a used sitting bath at a hospital surplus sale.

  "I just thought it would be funny to use it for a chair," Vartan said. "Plus, it was only $3. At a garage sale a few days later, I found a bunch of copies of 'The Super Bowl Shuffle' for a dime apiece, and I gave them all out to my friends for Christmas. From that point on, I was hooked."

  The habit grew worse in the spring of 1996, when Vartan discovered eBay.

  "Man, that blew my mind," said Vartan, who combs the popular auction site for ironic items almost daily. "I couldn't believe the amazing stuff you could find on there. Like, about a month ago, I found this bootleg Wendy's employee-training video from the mid-'80s where this black kid does this how-to-cook-the-burgers rap. I shit you not."

  A typical trip to the supermarket for Vartan involves the purchase of at least one ironic foodstuff, such as Frank's Kraut Juice or Uncle Sam's cereal. When he returns home, he often pops open a can of Schlitz beer and unwinds with his prized laser-disc copy of Leonard Part 6 or a book of Lockhorns comic strips.

  A small sampling of Vartan's possessions.

  Even when his financial situation is dire, Vartan has a hard time resisting ironic purchases.

  "Last June, I found a $20 bill on the street," Vartan said. "I was totally psyched, because I was seriously hurting for cash at the time—I think I had, like, $5.85 in my checking account. I was going to put it in the bank, but on the way home I saw this shirt in the window of Ragstock that said, 'It's Not A Beer Belly, It's A Gas Tank For A Sex Machine.' Of course, I got the shirt and lost seven pounds that month because I ate nothing but rice and beans, so it was even more ironic."

  Though he tends to gravitate toward pop-culture artifacts from the '70s and '80s, Vartan has recently taken to investing in contemporary items that he speculates will have future kitsch appeal.

  "I spent $200 on a rare movie poster for the Italian version of The Adventures Of Pluto Nash," Vartan said. "I emptied out my bank account to get the money, and then I had to call the electric company and make up some excuse why I couldn't pay them this month. That kinda sucked, but it's gonna be worth it in a few years when Pluto Nash is recognized as a classic on par with Battlefield Earth and Showgirls."

  Despite his misgivings, Vartan said he does not have any immediate plans to change his spending habits.

  "I know I really should save for my future, but it's almost impossible with all the great crap you come across," Vartan said. "If I ever do manage to save enough money, though, I'd love to get a house in Celebration, FL, that freako Disney-planned community near Orlando. That place sounds so unbelievably weird and depressing, it'd be hilarious."

  Area Man Proudly Accepts Exit-Row Responsibilities

  CHICAGO–Air traveler Lynn Paschal feels physically and m
entally ready to fulfill the duties of an exit-row passenger should tragedy strike United Airlines Flight 234 en route to Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport, sources close to the 34-year-old confirmed Monday.

  The fully prepared Lynn Paschal.

  "The last thing anyone wants is an emergency landing," said Paschal, limbering up his forearms and checking his reach to the door handle. "But in case we do, I'll do everything in my power to make sure everyone gets out quickly and safely."

  In the unlikely event of an emergency landing, Paschal may be called upon to open the escape door with the help of the O'Hare-based United flight crew.

  "I certainly hope there will be at least one crew member left alive to help me, but there's no guarantee of that," Paschal said. "I have to prepare for the possibility that I'm the surviving passengers' only hope." Paschal noted that if need be, he could probably throw the door open himself, either by applying all his strength to the handle or by wrapping a seatbelt strap around it for leverage.

  In addition to opening the exit-row door, Paschal's emergency duties would include helping his fellow passengers exit the plane and slide down the inflatable chute.

  "That's the price you pay for having a little extra leg room here in the exit row," said Paschal, who stowed his carry-on bag in the overhead compartment so it wouldn't tangle the legs of escaping passengers. "Right now, it's leg room, but when the plane is engulfed in flames or sinking like a stone 30,000 feet above central Tennessee, it could be the path to life. And that's a path I want clear."

  "Don't worry," said Paschal, turning to the woman seated next to him. "You're going to see your family again."

  Paschal first learned of his exit-row responsibilities during the standard pre-flight safety video shown to passengers as Flight 234 prepared for takeoff. Paschal paid strict attention to the presentation, well aware that he could be unexpectedly called into service.