The Christmas Genie

by Dan Gutman

  “That one was mine, actually,” Mrs. Walters said. “I thought I would throw it in for the heck of it.”

  “We want to wish for something cool,” William said, and everybody agreed.

  “That one doesn’t count,” Christopher said.

  “Oh, well, at least I tried,” Mrs. Walters said as she reached into the bowl and pulled out another index card.

  WISH #7:

  I WISH I COULD SLOW DOWN THE ROTATION OF THE EARTH.

  “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard!” Logan exclaimed. “Who came up with that lame idea?”

  “Let’s be respectful of one another’s wishes, please,” Mrs. Walters warned Logan.

  “That was my wish,” said Natalie.

  “Figures,” Logan muttered.

  Natalie is famous around school for thinking up weird stuff that doesn’t exactly make sense. Like, one time we had a social studies test and instead of using a yellow marker to highlight all the important parts of the book, Natalie took a black marker to hide all the unimportant parts. She’s either crazy or a genius. Maybe both.

  “Tell us your thinking, Natalie,” asked Mrs. Walters.

  “Well, I figured that if we wished for money or some material object, we would just fight over who gets to keep it,” Natalie explained. “But there’s one thing that everybody wishes they had more of—time. There are only twenty-four hours in a day, right? And there are only three hundred sixty-five days in a year. But if the Earth rotated more slowly, or if it took longer to make a revolution around the sun, we would have more time.”

  “You’re nuts,” said Logan.

  “Logan!” said Mrs. Walters.

  “Actually, it makes sense,” Ella said. “If a day was thirty hours long instead of twenty-four, we would have six more hours than we do now. That would mean six more hours to play, go online, hang out with your friends, or do anything you wanted to do.”

  “Six more hours to play ball!” said Jacob.

  “Six more hours to shop!” said Abigail.

  “It would also mean six more hours that our parents could tell us to do chores around the house,” Mia said, “or six more hours of homework.”

  “Six more hours we’d have to go to school,” said Logan.

  “Maybe it would be six more hours to sleep,” Ella said. “I mean, we’re still going to get tired, no matter how many hours there are in the day.”

  “I don’t want to sleep more hours,” Alyssa said. “I like things the way they are.”

  “Well, you could use the six hours any way you want,” Natalie told Alyssa. “That’s the beauty of it.”

  “I wish I never had to go to sleep,” said Jacob. “I would play ball twenty-four/seven.”

  “If Natalie got her wish, we’d have to replace all our watches and clocks,” Ella pointed out.

  “If the Earth rotated more slowly, wouldn’t it affect the weather and stuff?” asked Mia. “Like, the sun would be shining on the surface longer during the day, and nighttime would be longer too. So days would be hotter, and nights colder. Right, Mrs. Walters?”

  “It makes sense,” she replied.

  “It might mess up the tides, too,” Ashley said.

  “And eclipses . . . communication satellites . . . cell phones . . . satellite TV . . .”

  “Don’t animals rely on astronomy to know when to migrate and hibernate and stuff?” Isabella asked. “They would get confused.”

  “Boo-hoo,” said Logan. “We should worry about a bunch of confused animals?”

  “Isn’t it possible that if the Earth rotated more slowly, it could fall off its axis?” asked Mia. “Like a bicycle that stops rolling. Or it might fall out of its orbit around the sun and end up in another galaxy.”

  “That would be cool,” David said.

  “We could be messing with the entire space-time continuum!” exclaimed Ashley.

  “I told you it was the dumbest wish I ever heard,” Logan said.

  “I hate to say it, but for once, Logan, you’re right,” Natalie said. “I respectfully withdraw the wish.”

  Genie Bob rolled his eyes. “This is gonna be a long day,” he groaned.

  Mrs. Walters reached into the bowl.

  WISH #8:

  I WISH I COULD HAVE A GIGANTIC, FLAT-SCREEN, HIGH-DEFINITION TV THAT FILLS UP A WHOLE WALL IN MY ROOM.

  “That would be cool,” David said. “That’s why I wished for it.”

  “It would be great to watch football games on a TV like that,” said Jacob.

  “How would you get it through the door?” asked Ella.

  “Good point, Ella,” said Mrs. Walters.

  “You couldn’t,” David said. “It would have to be assembled inside my room.”

  “They don’t even make TVs like that,” Alyssa said.

  “So what?” David replied. “It’s a wish, right? I can wish for anything, even stuff that doesn’t exist today.”

  “In that case,” Natalie said, “why not wish for a room where the wall can disappear temporarily so you can bring the TV in, and then the wall can reappear afterward? Or how about a TV set that can go through walls?”

  “You’re nuts,” said Logan, shaking his head.

  “Logan!” said Mrs. Walters.

  “Why not just wish for a movie theater in your house?” Ethan suggested. “Problem solved.”

  “I would be happy if I could just have a regular TV in my room,” said Alyssa. “My parents won’t let me.”

  “You should wish for new parents,” Alex suggested.

  “I would rather have my own amusement park than my own movie theater,” William said.

  “This is the same old story,” said Hannah.

  “One kid wishes for something for himself, and everybody else gets nothing. That’s not fair.”

  “You could come over to my house to watch my awesome TV,” David said.

  “Gee, thanks!” said Hannah sarcastically.

  “That’s selfish,” said Elizabeth. “I think we should wish for something all of us could enjoy instead of just one person.”

  “You kids are breakin’ my heart,” said Bob the genie.

  “Okay,” David said, “then let’s wish for a big-screen TV for everybody in the class.”

  “I don’t want a big-screen TV!” said Hannah.

  “Anybody who wouldn’t want a big-screen TV has mental problems,” Logan said.

  “Logan!” said Mrs. Walters. “Be respectful of other people’s opinions.”

  “I really don’t care how big my TV screen is,” said Hannah. “What’s important is the content of what you watch, not the size of the screen. Which would you rather watch, a bad TV show on a huge screen, or a great TV show on a little screen?”

  “If a TV show is bad, I wouldn’t want to watch it at all,” said Anthony. “It doesn’t matter how big the screen is.”

  “That’s my point,” said Hannah.

  “I’m perfectly happy watching a TV show on my new iPod,” said Abigail, who clearly wanted everybody to know she got a new iPod.

  “The problem with a big-screen TV is that it makes everything bigger,” said Ella. “That includes the bad stuff too. Like if somebody on TV has a big mole on their face or a weird-looking nose, it looks even weirder when it’s five feet tall.”

  “That’s why you don’t see any weird-looking people on TV,” said Madison.

  “And that’s why everybody on TV has plastic surgery,” Abigail said.

  “They do not,” said Josh.

  “Do too,” Abigail said. “My sister told me—”

  “Perhaps we can have that debate another day,” Mrs. Walters interrupted. “We’re running out of time!”

  Genie Bob shook his head and laughed. He seemed to enjoy watching us argue.

  “I hope the other wishes aren’t just wishing for more stuff,” Elizabeth said. “That’s so superficial.”

  “Yeah, stuff doesn’t make you happy,” said Hannah.

  “What’s wrong with stuff?” aske
d Abigail. “I like stuff.”

  “Me too,” said Christopher. “I wish I had all the stuff in the world.”

  “I wish for a new house for my mom because our house is falling apart,” said Madison.

  “I wish I had a fire-breathing lima bean with horns that can drive a race car,” said Matthew.

  “I wish I had a jet pack with a built-in frozen yogurt machine,” said Alex.

  “Enough!” Mrs. Walters shouted.

  “Mrs. Walters,” Madison said, “I’m not sure it will be possible to come up with a wish everybody in the class would want. We’re all so different.”

  “We should wish for something everyone in the world would want,” Hannah suggested. “Something that would make our planet a better place to live.”

  “Oh, brother!” William said. “Here we go again. Who do you want to save now? The polar bears?”

  “How about we wish for Hannah to disappear?”

  Logan said. “That’s something everybody in the world would want.”

  “Logan!” said Mrs. Walters.

  “Why not just wish for everybody in the world to have a big-screen TV?” David asked. “That would be cool.”

  “Millions of people around the world don’t even have electricity in their houses!” Elizabeth told David. “Millions more don’t even have houses.”

  “That’s right,” said Hannah. “Lots of people don’t have a bowl of rice to fill their bellies. The last thing they need is a big-screen TV.”

  “Maybe if they had a big-screen TV,” Logan said, “it would take their minds off the fact that they don’t have any food.”

  “You’re repulsive!” Hannah said. “I wish I lived in a world with no boys.”

  “Me too,” said Elizabeth.

  “I hate to tell you this, but if there were no boys in the world,” said Josh, “the human race would die out.”

  “Eww, that’s disgusting!” Hannah said.

  “What did I say?” asked Josh.

  “Enough!” said Mrs. Walters. “Be respectful, all of you! I’ll tell you what. David had a very interesting wish, and we respect him for it. But clearly, some members of the class are opposed to the idea. I’m sure we’ll find something that will please everyone.”

  I looked up at the clock. It was a few minutes before two o’clock.

  WISH #9:

  I WISH WE COULD HAVE PERMANENT PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

  Sophia raised her hand and said she chose that wish because she has relatives in Egypt.

  “Excellent!” Mrs. Walters said. “People in the Middle East have been at war with one another for decades. Centuries, even. I can’t imagine anyone would have an objection to that wish.”

  “I’d rather have a big-screen TV,” David said.

  “Me too,” said Logan and Christopher.

  “Wake me up when you kids decide,” said Genie Bob, closing his eyes. “I’m gonna take a snooze.”

  “Why limit peace to the Middle East?” asked Elizabeth. “Why not go all the way and wish there were never any more wars? Between anybody.”

  “Amen,” said Mrs. Walters, and a few kids chimed in with amens of their own.

  “Fine with me,” Sophia said.

  “What if we got attacked?” Christopher said, “like on Pearl Harbor and 9/11. Are you saying we shouldn’t fight back? We should just do nothing?”

  “If we wished for permanent world peace, our country wouldn’t be attacked,” said Ella.

  “Good point,” Mrs. Walters said. “It would be great if there were no wars. And I like the fact that Sophia chose a wish that doesn’t involve money, candy, or one of us getting something personally. That’s very mature.”

  “You could argue that wishing for world peace does involve money,” said Mia.

  “How so?” asked Mrs. Walters.

  “Well, if there was never any war,” Mia said, “a lot of grown-ups would lose their jobs.”

  “Like who?” asked Hannah.

  “Like anybody who works for a company that makes fighter planes,” said Mia. “Or a company that makes military uniforms, equipment, guns, ammunition, body armor, weapons, tanks, ships, boots, and all that other stuff the military needs. Those companies wouldn’t be in business if there were no wars.”

  Huh! I never thought of that. There must actually be a lot of people who are happy when a war breaks out.

  “My uncle is in the Marines,” said Isabella. “If there were never any wars, would he be fired?”

  “You can’t be fired from the Marines,” Ava said.

  “But if there were no wars, we wouldn’t need Marines anymore,” Hannah pointed out. “Or Army, or Navy, or Air Force. We wouldn’t need a military at all.”

  “Do you know that our country spends more than five hundred billion dollars every year for defense?” Elizabeth said. “That’s more than the next thirty countries combined! Can you imagine what we could do with that money if we used it for education, health care, to clean up the environment, fix our roads and bridges, feed the hungry, house the homeless—”

  “Oh, please,” Logan said. “Time to save the world again!”

  “You can wish for world peace all you want,” said Ethan. “But there will always be dictators and crazy lunatics who want to kill us. That’s just human nature. There have always been wars, and there always will be. The world is a dangerous place. That’s why we have to spend so much money on defense.”

  “War is not human nature,” Hannah said. “It’s the nature of man. If women ran the world, it would be a different story. It’s always men who start wars, you know, and commit violent crimes.”

  “Somebody should commit a violent crime against you,” said Logan.

  “Logan!” shouted Mrs. Walters.

  “It doesn’t matter who starts wars,” Elizabeth said. “Wars are morally wrong. People who have jobs that are dependent on war should switch jobs. Why should anybody want to work for a company that makes something that kills people?”

  “It’s not so easy to just switch jobs,” said Anthony. “My uncle lost his job six months ago and he still doesn’t have a new one.”

  “War isn’t the only thing that kills people, you know,” Andrew pointed out. “My dad works for a supermarket that sells cigarettes. Cigarettes kill people. So should my dad quit his job because he works for a company that kills people?”

  “No, your dad should tell the owner of the supermarket to stop selling cigarettes,” Elizabeth said.

  “Then the store would lose customers,” said Andrew. “Smokers would just go to another supermarket to get their cigarettes.”

  “Cigarettes should be illegal anyway if they kill people,” said Hannah. “They shouldn’t be sold in any stores.”

  “That’s right,” a few kids agreed.

  “Hey, alcohol kills lots of people,” Olivia pointed out. “Are you saying they should ban that, too?”

  “Yes!” Hannah said. “Then there would be no more drunk drivers.”

  “Actually, alcohol was illegal for twelve years starting in 1920,” Mrs. Walters told us. “But people started making their own liquor, and organized crime families got rich selling it.”

  “I saw an article that said adults should drink a glass of wine every day to prevent heart disease,” said Ava. “So drinking alcohol in moderation doesn’t kill people. It can be good for you.”

  “Even if it did kill people, you don’t just go and ban everything that ever killed anybody,” said Josh. “A guy who lived down my street died in a snowmobile accident a few years ago. So should we ban snowmobiles?”

  “This is a free country,” said Christopher. “People should be free to buy whatever they want, even if it kills ’em. As long as they don’t hurt anybody else. Isn’t that the whole idea of freedom and America and stuff?”

  “Why are we talking about this?” asked Sophia. “I just wished for no more wars.”

  “I think the point is that wars, smoking, drinking, and so on all hurt people in various way
s,” said Mrs. Walters. “But if we get rid of all those things, people who are dependent on them for their living would suffer.”

  “You could say that about anything, really,” said Natalie. “If we wished for people to never get sick anymore, it would put all the doctors out of business. Nurses and hospitals and medical equipment companies too.”

  “If we wished for cars to never break down, it would put all the auto mechanics out of business,” Christopher said. “And the car manufacturers too, because if cars never broke down, nobody would need to buy a new one.”

  “If we get rid of anything in the world, we’ll actually be hurting a lot of other people,” said Ella. “I don’t want to be responsible for that.”

  “We could discuss this all day,” Mrs. Walters said. “Perhaps we should move on and see what other wishes people came up with.”

  “Good idea,” said Genie Bob, opening his eyes. “By the time you brats finally make a decision, Christmas will be over.”

  WISH #10:

  I WISH I WOULD WIN THE LOTTERY.

  Alyssa, who sits in the back row, raised her hand.

  “That would be cool,” said David.

  “I’m sorry,” Mrs. Walters told Alyssa. “I’m going to make an executive decision and disqualify this wish.”

  “Why?” asked Alyssa.

  “Lotteries are a form of gambling,” said Mrs. Walters, “and gambling is illegal for kids. In some parts of the country, it’s illegal for everybody.”

  “It’s just the same as my wish anyway,” Abigail pointed out. “Wishing to win the lottery is just like wishing for a million dollars.”

  “No, it’s not,” said Hannah. “It’s even worse. Because if Alyssa won the lottery, she would be depriving the person who would have won millions of dollars. So Alyssa would be wishing for something good to happen to her at the expense of some other person.”

  “Interesting,” said Mrs. Walters. “It shows you have empathy for other people, Hannah.”

  “Whatever that is,” said Logan.

  “I’ve heard that people who win lotteries are usually unhappy afterward,” Mia said. “Their friends and family argue over the money. People try to rip them off. Or they can’t handle the sudden fame and fortune.”