Patchwork Dreams

by Laura Hilton

  He also has a daughter named Becky. I think I’m in love with her. I’ve never felt this way before. So I’m glad you asked me for a break.

  I wish you the best with Timothy.

  Jacob

  He slipped the letter into an envelope, addressed it, and pulled the plastic strip off the flap to seal it. There.

  And now, to write to Mamm and Daed. They would want to hear all the details of everything he hadn’t shared in his first letter, from the hot, smelly, dirty job as a blacksmith to the lack of apple trees on Daniel’s property, on down the list to his growing attraction for Becky. He might even tell them about her hesitation where he was concerned, so they would know that it was possible nothing would come of their relationship.

  He tapped his pen against the paper.

  Dear Mamm and Daed,….

  ***

  It was still dark outside when someone shook Becky’s shoulder, rousing her from her troubled dreams. “Rise and shine,” Mamm said cheerfully. “Lots to do today, daughter.”

  Becky wanted to roll over, bury her face in the pillow, and go right back to sleep. But Katie was already out of bed and bustling around, and even though Mamm had left the room after waking her, she would return if Becky didn’t make an appearance in a short while.

  She rubbed her gritty eyes. That was her reward for crying herself to sleep, then shedding more tears during Emma’s 2:00 a.m. feeding.

  Her bleak situation didn’t look any brighter this morning than when she’d stumbled to her room last night.

  As long as one of us is uncertain….

  She didn’t know how to take that. Her feelings were certain; she just didn’t know how to express them. Or even why he wanted to court her. She was the one with the past. He must not be thinking clearly, because he wouldn’t want her if he was.

  Jah, he was the one who was uncertain. At least, he should be.

  Which ultimately meant that she would be wise to guard her heart.

  Any hope she’d been cultivating had just gotten a bad case of frostbite.

  She put her dress on, securing it with pins, and roughly pulled her hair back and up, smashing her kapp down on top of it. Then, leaving Emma asleep in the crib, she hurried downstairs.

  She tried not to let it bother her when Jacob strode in with his usual, cheery “Gut morning, Bex.”

  Just as if her dreams hadn’t been squashed like a bug underfoot.

  Chapter 24

  Jacob noticed that Becky looked tired, but that didn’t seem to slow her down at all. Even though she yawned, she still worked circles around him as he helped the family get the barn ready for Sunday services. He didn’t know how clean they expected the barn to be, but he did as he was told. In addition, he helped carry in the benches and spread around copies of the Ausbund.

  It was mid-afternoon before things slowed enough for Jacob to work up his courage to approach Becky about the fishing trip they’d planned. He hoped she’d still go with him. Even if she didn’t, he still needed directions—not necessarily from her, but it’d give him an excuse to talk to her. Maybe the chance to touch her soft cheek.

  He shoved his shaking hands into his pockets as he followed her to the barn door. One of his hands bumped against something hard. Ach, his cell phone. He frowned and changed course to talk to Daniel. He watched Becky scurry away.

  Daniel looked at the phone and whispered, “You’ll want a place to plug that in, ain’t so?” He glanced around and leaned forward, as if afraid the mice would overhear. “I have mine on a charger in the shop when the generator’s running. Do you want to go back and turn it on now, or can you wait until Monday?”

  “Monday’s fine.” Jacob slid the phone back inside his pocket. “But if you don’t mind, I’ll put it out in the shed now so I don’t forget to charge it.”

  “Ser gut.” Daniel nodded. “What are your plans for this afternoon?”

  Jacob shrugged. “Becky and I had talked about going fishing with some friends, unless you have something else for me to do.” And if Becky hadn’t changed her mind. They hadn’t exactly parted on good terms last night.

  “Nein. Fishing’s fine. Go on, then. It’s a gut thing you’re doing, getting Becky out like this.” He clapped a hand on Jacob’s shoulder. “She’s learning to live again.”

  Was she? Jacob didn’t know.

  Daniel sighed. “Haven’t seen her smile since she got involved with that Englisch bu.”

  Jacob hadn’t seen a difference there. He had yet to see her truly smile. Even so, he nodded, then went to look for Becky, stopping first in the blacksmith shop to drop off his cell phone. Becky had gone back to the house a little while ago to take care of Emma. At least, that was what she’d announced moments before she’d left. He swallowed hard as he entered the kitchen, trying to force the lump in his throat down to his stomach.

  He had every reason to be afraid of her response. He steeled his heart for her rejection.

  Becky leaned over the cradle, gently placing the boppli in the center of a soft knitted blanket. She folded the edges up over Emma, cooing as she did so. The boppli stared up at her adoringly.

  Jacob cleared his throat.

  Becky straightened and faced him. “Ach, Jacob. I didn’t hear you kum in.”

  He nodded. “Jah.” He glanced down again at the boppli, who was now staring at him, unblinking, as if she understood he wanted to spirit her mamm away. It almost made him feel guilty. “Uh, are you free to go fishing?”

  Her mouth opened and shut. Then, she nodded. “Let me tell Mamm that we’re leaving.”

  She wasn’t going to refuse? Joy burst upon him like morning sunshine.

  “I should pack a picnic supper, ain’t so?” she said.

  His eyes widened. He hadn’t thought about supper, but it would probably be past the dinner hour when they got home. His stomach rumbled just thinking about food. He nodded. “Maybe we should take Emma with us, too. That way, you won’t have to worry about her.” And she wouldn’t be able to use her as an excuse to cut the evening short.

  ***

  Weak. That’s what she was. She should have refused and cut herself loose while she had the chance. But nein. She had to go and accept. Like she couldn’t get enough of Jacob. She had to soak up every bit of his attention to store away in her mind and remember someday.

  If only she’d been able to say jah to him last night. One simple word. Just jah.

  She pulled in a breath and opened her mouth to say it now, but the word wouldn’t come out. She almost choked when it lodged in her throat.

  With a sigh, she moved past Jacob to the gas-powered refrigerator, then opened the door and took out an assortment of picnic items: peeled and cut carrots, celery sticks, sliced cheese, meat, and bread. From the shelf, she took down a wicker basket and began filling it with the food. “Should I pack enough for Matthew, too?”

  “Jah. And for Annie, if you think she can join us.”

  Becky knew she wasn’t good enough for Jacob, even if he seemed to think so. But Annie would be. Maybe this would be an opportunity for Jacob to get to know Annie better. She nodded, suddenly glad that her voice had gotten stuck. But her next thought hit her like a blow: How could she stand by and watch Jacob and her best friend—her only friend, really—fall in love?

  She wanted him for herself.

  She’d lose Annie as a friend.

  “How can I help?” Jacob still stood there by the cradle, looking lost.

  She wanted to tell him to pull her into his arms and hold her like he’d never let her go. Instead, common sense took over. “Choose a few apples.” She pointed at the bowl of fruit in the middle of the kitchen table. “Or bananas, if you’d rather.”

  “Apples are great.” Jacob selected four and put them in the basket, nestled beside the sandwich supplies. “Do you want your sling?” He glanced at the hook by the door where it hung.

  “Jah, maybe so.”

  He lifted it down, then nodded toward the door. “I’m going to get
your horse and buggy ready while you finish up. I’ll be right back to help.”

  “Danki.” Becky stood and watched as he left the kitchen again, this time with a bounce in his step, as if he was happy about going fishing and seeing his friend again.

  Of course, she would be if she were in his situation.

  She went into the other room and found a couple of old blankets to spread on the grass. It might be a warm spring day, but it would still be chilly for Emma without some protection from the cold ground.

  The blanket was where Becky would sit, as well, watching Jacob have a good time with his friend. Her heart sank at the thought that he’d invited her only because she knew the way to the home where Matthew was staying rather than because he really wanted her along.

  ***

  Matthew had mentioned the pond on the farm where he lived as a good place to fish, since the family he stayed with kept it well stocked. Jacob loaded the supplies he’d borrowed from Daniel, including fishing poles and lures, into the back of the buggy. It would be great to visit with Matthew and maybe get to know Becky a little bit more, without putting the pressure of a date on her. Especially since she didn’t seem certain about wanting him to court her. Fine. He’d settle for being just friends for now.

  Sometimes, he wondered why he didn’t just give up, since she didn’t seem to be more than mildly interested.

  But she gave him just enough tiny morsels of encouragement to keep him trying, like today, when she’d agreed to go fishing with him.

  But then, Daniel thought Jacob was helping Becky. He almost laughed. What Daniel saw in him, he surely didn’t know.

  Jacob heaved a sigh, rubbed his eyes, and went to get Shakespeare out of the stall. A nap sounded good. He and Becky had been out pretty late last night, and on top of that, he’d stayed up even later writing those letters and then taking them out to the mailbox before he forgot to send them. Maybe after supper he could stretch out on the ground and rest. If he happened to fall asleep, well, Matthew would still be there. Becky would be safe with him.

  Jacob hitched the horse to the buggy, released the brake, and drove to the house. After resettling the brake, he went inside. Becky had set the basket and a couple of blankets on the table beside the sling and a small diaper bag. She reached into the cradle and wrapped her boppli in her pink blanket.

  “Ready?”

  She stood there a moment, her brow wrinkled as if weighing her options, or maybe looking for a good reason to refuse. Jacob felt hope drain out of him. If she said nein, he’d…what? Ask Daniel for that promised ticket home?

  Nein, he wasn’t ready to give up yet. God help him, he did want to make Becky his bride.

  He’d renewed this resolve every time he’d seen that Amos Kropf on the property that week. He’d been hard-pressed not to run and protect her every time the man had appeared.

  “Jah, I’m ready.”

  Whew. Jacob refrained from wiping his brow. That would have been too dramatic, and she might have been offended by his sarcasm. “Gut. Let’s go, then.” He picked up the basket with his right hand and tucked the blankets under his left arm. Then, he watched as Becky put on the sling, lifted Emma out of her cradle, and picked up the diaper bag. He turned and held the door for her, and together they walked to the buggy, where he loaded everything into the back. He held Emma while Becky climbed in and then handed the boppli up to her. Becky secured the sling.

  Boppli were lots of work.

  No wonder she looked tired. She probably needed a nap, too.

  As they rode down the road in silence toward Annie’s house, Jacob wished for a renewal of the friendship he’d struggled to develop with Becky. He couldn’t see what he’d done wrong. He’d asked for an answer to a simple question. Nothing difficult in that. Then, he’d corralled his wild emotions long enough to put a halt to the physical side of their relationship until Becky was sure how she felt about him. Maybe that had been the wrong thing to do. Perhaps kissing her senseless would have clarified the matter.

  Women. Such confusing creatures.

  He glanced at Becky, then pulled the buggy to the side of the road and reined in the horse. He owed it to himself to try to understand, to fix the problem if he could. “Bex, are you angry with me?”

  Chapter 25

  Becky stared at him. Was she angry? How could he ask that? “Nein. Not angry.”

  Hurt, jah. But not angry.

  Jacob glanced away and looked down the road, maybe checking for oncoming traffic, then looked back at her. “What did I do?”

  That settled it. Men were clueless. How could she spell out everything he’d done? Did he think that her heart didn’t need protecting? That, after Kent’s rejection, she was just a dry sponge ready to soak up all of his attention?

  Okay, she was. But still. He didn’t need to know the power he had over her. She had to think of herself here. And he couldn’t possibly be sure about his feelings for her. He didn’t know her story.

  She swallowed. Hard. “What, you expect me to just throw myself in your arms and be grateful for every scrap of attention you pay me? I’m not your dog.”

  Jacob blinked. After a long silence, he frowned. “You think I treat you like a dog?”

  “Look, if you’re interested in Annie, just say so. I’m willing to talk to her about you. I’ll even say gut things.”

  He had the sense to look confused. “You think I’m interested in Annie?”

  “Isn’t that why you wanted to invite her?”

  He shook his head. “How did we go from my treating you like a dog to being interested in Annie?”

  It didn’t seem like such a leap to her.

  His lips parted, and he stared at her, then shook his head again. “I’m sorry if it seems I treat you like a dog. I don’t know what I did to give you that impression, but I’m sorry. As for Annie, nein, I am not even remotely interested in her. I’ve told you that it’s you I’m interested in. I just thought maybe you would be more comfortable if she were with us. And, since she isn’t seeing anyone, I thought Matthew might be interested.” Jacob shrugged.

  Okay, now she was the one rendered speechless. How could she have been so far off target? He’d wanted to have her friend along to help her feel more comfortable. That was so sweet.

  He waited a beat. Or two. “Are we gut, then?”

  She shook her head. “You said you were uncertain.” She hoped she didn’t sound as pathetic as she felt, begging for that needed scrap of attention.

  Jacob furrowed his brow and blinked again. “I did?”

  “Jah, last night.”

  His eyes widened. “Ach, nein. I said that promises couldn’t be made as long as one of us was uncertain.”

  She shrugged. The repetition hurt just as much as it had last night.

  He caught her gaze and held it. “I’m certain, Bex. You’re the one who needs to decide.”

  ***

  She fell silent again. Jacob studied her, the curve of her cheek, the set of her mouth, and the way she avoided looking at him. Jah, she needed to decide how she felt about him. Had Kent done this to her, made her so fearful? Was it possible that her reticence was not a judgment of him but a revelation of the condition of her hurting heart?

  She pulled the boppli closer to her side. Out of the corner of his eye, Jacob noticed movement, and he glanced behind the buggy to see a car approaching. A bright-red one.

  It looked suspiciously like the one Kent had been driving when he’d left McDonald’s that day. The car flew past, too close to the buggy, undoubtedly exceeding the speed limit.

  Jacob flicked the reins and pulled out behind it. He should have found someplace more secluded than the side of the road. That had been unsafe. Besides, they had so much more that they needed to say to each other. He supposed that would be a conversation for another day.

  He took a glance in her direction. “You let me know when you decide. Until then, I’m here.”

  She nodded but didn’t give him the affirmation he
longed for. Couldn’t she forget herself long enough to say, “Jah, I’m interested in you, too”? Or maybe, “Jah, I want you to court me, Jacob”? Or, well, just anything?

  Except “Nein.” He didn’t want to hear that.

  Instead, she twisted her skirt with her hands. Must be a nervous habit.

  Lord, help her to relax.

  “Annie lives there, jah?” He pointed toward the house they approached, recognizing it as the one Becky had mentioned on another drive.

  “Jah.”

  He pulled into the driveway and parked the buggy. “Will she come out, or will you need to go in?”

  “I’ll go in and make sure she can go.”

  He nodded. “I’ll hold Emma, then.” He reached over and lifted the sling off her shoulder, careful to support Emma so that she would not fall out. “Hurry back.”

  Becky slid out of the buggy and darted toward Annie’s house. Jacob watched as she disappeared inside the front door without knocking, though she did call a greeting. Then, he turned his attention to the boppli in his arms. Emma was still wide awake and stared up at him. He swallowed. “Your mamm is a sweetheart, ain’t so? But she needs to learn to smile. Can’t you make her smile?”

  He ran a finger over Emma’s cheek. She blinked. Then, her mouth widened into a toothless grin.

  Jacob couldn’t help but grin back. Ach, if Becky smiled like that, his knees would liquefy, for sure.

  He didn’t know how long he sat there as he and Emma cuddled and grinned at each other, but Becky finally came back outside with Annie, who climbed into the back of the buggy. “Hi, Jacob.”

  He tried to wipe the foolish grin off his face. Who would have known a boppli smile would be so contagious? “Annie. Glad you could join us.”

  “Jah, it’ll be fun.”

  Jacob nodded. He handed Emma back to Becky and waited while she secured the sling again, absently wondering what their children would look like if she ever got around to saying jah.