My Best Friend Is a Goddess

by Tara Eglington

  It’s easy to say ‘Looks don’t matter’, but as I’m discovering, that’s like denying the law of gravity. I sound like an idiot saying this, but before this year I’d never thought much about being beautiful or hot or pretty or ugly, or which box I fit into. Now I can’t escape it, and I hate that.

  I don’t want to waste my time on things I can’t change. I know how stupid it is that all of a sudden I can feel like I’m worthless because of what I look like. That everything inside me, everything that makes me who I am, is insignificant compared to my body or face.

  I don’t want it to get to me. Happiness shouldn’t have anything to do with ‘pretty’ or ‘not pretty’. And yet none of that logic stops me from falling into the oh-so-predictable trap of looking in the mirror and wishing I looked different. And with that, I let ‘pretty’ rule my world too.

  23

  EMILY

  I should never have complained about the chocolates. That was the amusing stage of the role I’ve been assigned as ‘handler of Ade’s formal date requests’. From Monday the more confident guys start approaching and it’s a whole different story. Their pitches are self-assured, like taking Ade to the formal is just the natural order of things.

  Some of the interactions are insulting. A few guys crack up at the idea of Ade and me going to the formal together. A few don’t hold back on showing they’re pissed at me.

  ‘You know, just because you can’t get a date doesn’t mean you should put your friend on lockdown,’ Michael Cook says, and I’m this close to punching him.

  Others tell me they’ll find a friend to go with me, and though I shake my head in an absolute ‘not up for that’ gesture, they still head back to their friends, trying to convince someone to take one for the team and act date to Ade’s DUFF. The guys glance over at me and make a ‘Seriously, bro?’ face. Usually I walk away so I don’t have to see this scenario play out, but sometimes I’m not quick enough. One time a guy looks at me and rubs his index and middle finger against his thumb, indicating he’d want cash payment to be my date.

  This whole thing is making me hate way too many of the guys we go to school with. I get that everyone’s mad about me stealing Adriana, but I hadn’t thought it would get this nasty. Worse than that is the thought that they wouldn’t think their behaviour is nasty, they’re just stating the truth. Unlike girls, boys don’t put everything they say in bubble wrap so they don’t hurt someone, so they obviously don’t think it’s a big deal to just come out and say they don’t want to take an ugly girl to the formal. It’s a big deal to me, of course, even though I’ve always known the guys at school are immature idiots.

  With Ade away from school sick, everything feels heavier and more serious — especially as I don’t have anyone to sit with at lunch. It’s not like I’m not friendly with other girls, but with all this stuff going on I don’t feel like making small talk.

  Arriving at dance class and discovering I don’t have a partner doesn’t do anything to lift my spirits. I have no idea where Dylan is, and when I text him to ask, there’s no reply. When it gets to ten minutes after the bell and Mr White and Ms Miere are clapping their hands to get everyone’s attention, I give up hope that he’s just running late from lunch. Theo’s missing too.

  ‘Are we all in pairs?’ Mr White scans the room and his eyes stop on me. ‘Okay, we have one person without a partner.’

  Everyone stares as he walks up to me, and then the snickers start.

  ‘Rejected!’ one of the guys calls out.

  ‘Naso’s out on her own!’

  ‘Why doesn’t Emily sit out?’ a girl’s voice asks. One guy makes an ‘L’ with his fingers and the guys near him laugh.

  The door to the gym opens and Theo dashes in. He throws Mr White and Ms Miere an apologetic look. ‘Sorry I’m late. Someone knocked into me and their entire coffee wound up on my shirt.’

  Every girl in the room is staring at Theo’s still-wet shirt — you can clearly see the outline of his chest muscles underneath. There are little giggles all around me.

  Mr White smiles. ‘Perfect timing — you two can pair up for this lesson.’

  As Theo walks towards me, every one of my muscles pulls tight, like I’m the string on a bow and someone’s stretching me as far as I can go. Even though he’s saved me from humiliation, part of me wishes that he’d never made it to class. Sitting next to Ade’s crush is one thing. Waltzing in his arms is another.

  ‘Hey,’ he says, smiling, ‘I get to dance with you? This is awesome.’

  I laugh. ‘You’ve seen me dance with Dylan, right?’

  ‘Where is Dylan?’ Theo looks around the room like he’s expecting him to be hiding amongst our classmates. ‘Or more importantly, where’s Adriana?’ He winks at me. ‘Funny that they’re both missing, right?’

  He’s making light of it, but I know he’s still worried about unfinished business between them.

  ‘With the way those two are with each other, it’s more likely they’ve been abducted by aliens,’ I say. I’m laying it on thick, but I’m worried this is why he hasn’t asked Ade out yet.

  Mr White switches on the waltz music. ‘Assume starting position.’

  ‘Sorry, stupid joke.’ Theo looks worried that he’s said something wrong. The tail end of my sentence was obviously way too serious. ‘I’ll take your word for it. Seriously though, where is she today?’

  He puts his right hand on my back, below my left shoulder blade. I feel like he’s grasped my lungs in his hand because suddenly I’m struggling to breathe properly.

  ‘Is she sick?’ He holds his left arm up, waiting for me to take his hand in mine.

  I nod. ‘Bad tonsillitis. She won’t be at school all week.’

  Don’t tremble, I order my hand as I bring it up to meet Theo’s. I withstand the all-out shakes but I can see the tips of my fingers twitching ever so slightly.

  He’s your friend! Stop being stupid.

  How does holding someone’s hand feel this good? Why does anyone ever let go? Why aren’t people hand-holding addicts, taking themselves off to rehab because they’re tempted to superglue their palms to someone else’s?

  ‘Oh, that’s …’

  Theo’s sentence trails off and I realise I’m still staring at our hands, caught up in the hand-holding addicts’ meeting that’s going on in my imagination. Theo’s probably noticed how weird I am and is wishing he could back away.

  I turn my gaze to his face and see that he’s staring at our hands too. Is he weirded out by touching me?

  ‘Theo?’ I say. It’s a miracle I remember his name, because I’m close to forgetting my own.

  He’s still looking at our hands and doesn’t reply.

  Mr White is shouting instructions so I quickly step forward like I’m meant to. But Theo hasn’t moved at all and I crash into him, my chest hitting his.

  ‘Sorry.’ He shakes his head, looking embarrassed.

  ‘Maybe I was meant to step back?’

  My cheeks are hot. I have no clue where we’re meant to be in the dance. Everyone else is gliding round the room, trying to avoid us.

  ‘I was saying … what was I saying? Oh, that’s awful about Adriana. Tonsillitis is horrible.’

  Theo’s face is genuinely sorry. I can tell he’s probably bummed about not having the chance to hang out with her like he always does on Monday afternoons.

  ‘She sounds miserable in her texts,’ I say.

  Thinking about Ade at home and in pain, I feel rotten inside. There has to be something seriously wrong with me, going into some euphoric state about holding Theo’s hand when I’m standing where my best friend should be. I’ve always thought of myself as a loyal person, but now I feel like a traitor.

  I step on Theo’s foot and wince for him. ‘Sorry!’

  He laughs. ‘This is a mess, huh?’

  ‘Completely. I think the gods are telling us we were never meant to be successful partners.’

  Theo’s eyebrows go up. ‘Alright, as of this
moment I’m determined to get this dance right to prove to you that the gods know nothing when it comes to us.’

  The sentence sends prickles up my spine, but I make a face. ‘That sounds like a line out of Troy.’

  ‘Stop trying to put me off my game! I’m going to keep my eyes slightly left of you like Mr White advises.’

  I’m relieved. Not looking at Theo allows Mr White’s voice to become more than a nonsensical hum. I focus all of my attention on doing instead of feeling, on counting out the rhythm and letting Theo guide me, rather than trying to set the pace myself. And suddenly it’s like my feet instinctively know where to go, like they’ve been preprogrammed. For the first time in my life, dancing feels wonderful instead of painful.

  ‘We’re waltzing!’ Theo cheers.

  I can hardly believe it — or the fact that I’m being swept across the room by a guy who looks like Cinderella’s prince.

  ‘And you had such little faith in us,’ Theo says.

  He’s beaming, and I can tell my answering smile is stretched stupidly wide.

  I shrug. ‘It just didn’t seem probable.’

  ‘All the best things never do.’ He squeezes my hand. ‘So listen, I spoke to my cousin and he still has the Dante video game I told you about. We should try and play it.’

  ‘I am seriously bad at video games. It goes along with the whole non-coordination thing, you know.’

  ‘Hey, you were worried about the dancing too, but look how that worked out. So I think the plan should be to study together, either at your house or mine, then play a couple of rounds of the game — and I have this movie we should watch too. It’s called What Dreams May Come and it’s about a guy who travels to hell to try and get his wife back — I’m not sure if it has a direct connection to The Inferno, but there are definite similarities. There’s art in there too — amazing landscapes, which I love, and I think you will too.’

  ‘So a whole night of Danteness? When?’

  ‘I say we Dante it up this Friday night.’

  I open my mouth to say Friday is taken, because normally it’s Ade and Em time, but now Adriana’s sick my Friday is as blank as when she was in Borneo.

  ‘Okay,’ I say instead. ‘Why don’t you come to my place?’

  I feel weird going to his when Adriana hasn’t been there yet. Besides, I don’t know how a hang-out at a guy’s place would work. Like, would we sit in his room? I’d feel super-awkward about that. At least at mine I can suggest we sit in the lounge room.

  I’ve never had a boy over before.

  It’s not like that, Emily.

  ‘Awesome,’ Theo says. ‘What time?’

  The bell rings, but Theo’s still holding my right hand even though people around us are dashing for the door.

  ‘Five pm?’ I say.

  ‘It’s a date.’

  It’s anything but, however I still smile at him.

  Why does it feel like I’ve lost part of myself when he lets go of my hand?

  I’m hoping Ade will be okay about me and Theo hanging out on Friday. She knows about the assignment of course, but I’m sure, like me, she didn’t imagine that Theo and me studying together would turn into video games and a movie at mine. It seems weird to tell her by text — and text is the only option right now, with her terrible sore throat — so I hold off until we’re able to talk properly. This ends up being Wednesday night, and by then I’m nervous it’ll look like I’ve been keeping things from her.

  It’s a study session, idiot. You’re only feeling guilty because of how he makes you feel. That’s castles in the air stuff — it’s not real.

  ‘Hey, how are you feeling?’ I say, answering her call.

  ‘Completely horrible.’

  ‘The antibiotics haven’t worked yet? Ade, you need to go back to the doctor.’

  ‘No, my throat’s much better. It’s Dad.’ She sounds super-annoyed. ‘He’s going on a date with someone, I know it.’

  Suddenly I’m as depressed as she is annoyed. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘I heard him on the phone in his study. He was talking about what time they were meeting for lunch on Sunday.’ Her voice suddenly goes hopeful. ‘Your mum hasn’t said she’s busy then, has she? You know, in case they’re actually going on a date but they don’t want to tell us in case we get too excited?’

  ‘No, she’s got an exhibition opening this weekend, so I can’t see her going on a date.’

  Both Ade and I go quiet.

  ‘I really thought he liked her,’ she says.

  I sigh. ‘And I thought Mum was softening up.’

  ‘I can’t believe he’s going on a date already! It’s only been two years.’ She sounds so angry.

  ‘I thought you said you were okay about him dating?’

  ‘That was your mum. This is some stranger. I don’t know anything about her, and he doesn’t know anything about her either. I hate this.’

  ‘Remember The Parent Trap?’ I keep my voice upbeat, even though the framework about having a family that I’ve been building the last month or so is crashing down around me. ‘How the dad dated that horrible woman and quickly realised she wasn’t the one? If my mum and your dad are meant to be together, then it will happen.’

  ‘In real life, nobody lives happily ever after.’

  I wish I could give her a hug. ‘Ade, you can’t believe that.’

  ‘I do. Nothing’s changed since I came back. It’s the same situation wrapped up a little differently.’

  Suddenly I know what I have to do.

  ‘Well, why don’t we make it different?’ I make sure my voice sounds strong. ‘I think you should go to the formal with Theo.’

  ‘Emily, no, we promised each other. Plus, he hasn’t asked me anyway.’ She pauses. ‘He hasn’t asked you to ask me, has he?’

  There’s hope in her voice now, and that pushes me on.

  ‘No, he’s the type of guy who would ask you himself. He was super-bummed you were away this week, so I’m sure it’ll happen as soon as you’re back.’

  ‘I’ll have to tell him no.’

  ‘Ade, he’s an amazing guy. I’d always feel guilty if you said no because you’re worried about upsetting me.’

  She’s quiet for a moment. ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t be upset?’

  ‘Seeing you happy makes me happy. Plus, instead of all the guys in school hating on me for stealing you as my date, they’ll have to blame Theo. It’ll be a relief!’

  It’s partly true. I want to stop being reminded that I’m unattractive and unwanted — things I never dwelled on before all of this formal business.

  ‘But if I’m taking someone, are you going to?’ Ade says. ‘I hope you didn’t say no to anyone decent in the last week.’

  I keep it light. ‘Take one of those monkeys? I’m not turning the formal into my very own circus.’

  ‘But, Em —’

  ‘No pity, please.’

  I tell her about the study session with Theo then, and though she sounds surprised, I don’t think she’s bothered by it because she drifts back into When do you think he might ask me, and we talk about that until the part of me that feels uneasy about Friday starts to relax.

  Even though I put on a ‘what will be will be’ attitude for Ade about her dad’s date on Sunday, when I get off the phone I feel angry at Mum. Daniel was keen on her, I’m sure of it, but she obviously convinced him that she isn’t interested.

  I could understand her discouraging him if she isn’t attracted to him, or they don’t have a connection, but I know Mum, and when I remember how she looked at Daniel when they were tangoing, or how they chatted together while he stitched up my arm, I know that’s not the case.

  I want to say to her, Why can’t you let anyone in?

  I want to stand in front of her and say in a no-nonsense voice, like the one she uses on me sometimes, You tell me not to let Olivier’s absence define my life, but here you are doing exactly that.

  But I don’t say anything. Instead, I hate my f
ather a little more, because not only did he leave us, but he wrecked any chance of my ever gaining any type of father figure, like Daniel might have become.

  Friday night rolls around super-quick. Mum’s at the gallery for the official exhibition opening, so Theo and I order a bunch of Thai food for study fuel. We’re camped out in the lounge room with books all over the coffee table, sharing pad Thai and green curry.

  I get a serious case of the giggles when it comes to my horrendous attempt to play the video game. ‘Dante’s not getting beyond Limbo, I can tell you that.’ I let out a yelp as I die once again.

  Theo is better, because he remembers the tricks from years ago.

  ‘So most scholars aren’t a fan of this game,’ I tell him, watching Dante dismember a soul. ‘Basically because Beatrice is portrayed as a damsel in distress who needs saving, whereas the basis of the poem is that she’s the one to save him. She’s the one who takes him to Paradise.’

  ‘I was reading about that,’ Theo says. He puts down the controls and hands me one of our research books from the coffee table. ‘You know Beatrice was a real person? She grew up near Dante and their families were friends. Apparently he only met her twice in his whole life.’

  I read aloud from the page that Theo’s opened for me. ‘Dante first met Beatrice when he was nine and she was eight. Dante wrote about this meeting in later life, saying “Ecce Deus fortior me, qui veniens dominabitur michi”, which is translated as “Behold a deity stronger than I: who coming, shall rule over me”.’

  ‘Wow, that’s powerful stuff,’ Theo says. ‘From what I was reading, he didn’t see her again until he was eighteen, but he thought about her constantly. Serious crush. When they did cross paths, it was near a bridge.’ He turns the pages for me. ‘An artist called Henry Holiday, a pre-Raphaelite, depicts it here. The story is, Beatrice greeted Dante and he was so overwhelmed from that brief moment in her presence that he had to go home to pull himself together. He falls asleep and has this crazy intense dream that she’s asleep in the arms of a towering figure, and this figure is holding his heart.’