‘Wait a minute. Your crush … Art Guy … Theo is Art Guy.’
The pieces have formed into a complete puzzle in my mind, but I want her to tell me I’m wrong.
‘Theo is Art Guy,’ she says quietly.
I think of her squeezing my hands earlier and saying, You know I’m super-happy for you, right? I grab her phone and bring up her messages. There’s text after text from Theo. I’m scrolling up and up and I’m only a quarter of the way through.
‘Ade, it’s not what you think. We’re just friends. They’re about the assignment and art,’ she says. Her voice is still shaky. ‘You can look through them — you’ll see it’s nothing. He is Art Guy, but he’s your crush. I’d never touch that.’
You have the best date out of anyone — how could I not have realised?
Because you’re obsessed with Dylan.
I throw the phone back down. ‘If it’s nothing, then why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because I didn’t want to make things weird. You like him, and me telling you that he was my crush once upon a time would cause some weird wedge between us forever.’
‘That’s not the truth,’ I say, watching her eyes. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because I thought it would go away!’
‘You thought! You still like him, don’t you?’
She hesitates. ‘Ade, don’t look at me like that. He likes you. I want you guys to be together. I’ll get over the feelings.’
‘Why are you pretending it’s not a problem?’ I stare at her. ‘I saw you, Emily, that night at my place. You were glowing when you were talking to him, like you knew you were one thousand times more interesting than I am.’
‘I was sitting there thinking you’re one thousand times prettier than I’ll ever be.’ Her eyes are teary. ‘Ade, please, what’s one stupid crush compared to a whole friendship?’
I could deal with Tatiana doing what she did to me, and Dylan saying what he did. I could deal with the whole school laughing at me. That couldn’t break me, but this? Emily was my everything, and now my everything has turned and slapped me across the face.
I head for the door.
‘Ade, where are you going?’ She follows me down the hall.
‘Where do you think I’m going?’ I don’t want to be anywhere near her. ‘I’m going to Lana’s.’ I look back at her. ‘You’re off our table. I don’t want you sitting there next to my date, wishing he was yours.’
‘You’re acting like I want to take him from you.’ Emily’s crying now. ‘I want you to have him, I’ve always wanted you to have him. You deserve him.’
Deserve him? She gave him up because she feels sorry for me?
‘What, because my mother died? You’ve been telling yourself that the poor little motherless girl needs this?’
Emily blushes.
She doesn’t respect me, she pities me. Everyone from my old life does.
‘Well, he’s mine,’ I say, holding back tears of my own. ‘Girls like me get guys like that. Girls like you don’t.’
I put my hand to my mouth like it’s not my own. The words are something Tatiana would say.
Emily’s face goes completely pale, all her freckles disappearing, like her face was a galaxy and the light of all the stars has been extinguished at once.
‘I’m going,’ I say, and make a dash for the stairs. I don’t want to be around her any more because I’m sick over what I said, but at the same time I’m so angry I’m scared I’ll say more.
There’s something holding me back. I pull violently against it and hear a ripping sound. When I look over my shoulder, I see Emily holding half of the back of my dress in her hand.
Emily’s Diary
In all the movies Ade and I were obsessed with — Never Been Kissed, She’s All That, Pretty in Pink, Ten Things I Hate About You, Mean Girls — the formal is always the pinnacle of high school, and the height of all the dramatic tension that’s been building through the film. The formal is when your long-held crush confesses his adoration for you, when the school nerd transforms into the school beauty and becomes the prom queen, where punches are thrown and crazy awesome choreographed dances happen. In Hollywood, the formal is meant to be the best night of your life. Or at least your high-school life.
I’ve never believed the hype. There’s Hollywood, and then there’s my life.
I knew how our formal would go. I’d dress up, have my picture taken, eat dinner and dance non-awesomely and not with a dream date. Sure, it would be fun, but it wouldn’t be a life-changing moment.
But what actually happens on our Year Ten formal night is so huge that in years after I’ll come to think of my and Ade’s friendship in terms of ‘BF’ and ‘AF’: ‘before formal’ and ‘after formal’.
27
EMILY
I should never have grabbed at silk. I have no idea why I did, except that I’m desperate to stop Adriana leaving. She wrenches away from me and the back of her dress tears away in a long jagged line. She turns, and there’s so much anger in her eyes I’m actually scared that she might slap me.
‘It wasn’t enough to go after my date, you want to destroy my dress as well?’
‘Adriana, it was an accident! Do you really believe I’d do this,’ I hold up the length of silk, ‘on purpose?’
‘I didn’t think you’d lie to me about the guy I like either, but you did.’
After ten years of friendship, she sees me like one of Cinderella’s stepsisters. Jealous. Ugly. Girls like you, I hear her voice say. Even my best friend thinks I’m ugly.
‘The guy you like?’ I repeat, my patience snapping. ‘That’s Dylan, remember? Who’s lying to who about what here?’
She sweeps by me and runs down the hall back to my bedroom. Before I can follow her in, she’s slammed the door and locked it.
‘Adriana, let me in!’
I might be mad at her but I’m seriously worried. She’s been weird all afternoon, but I put it down to nervousness. There’s something bigger going on with her.
I look at the locked door. Maybe I should give her a moment to cool down. I have no idea what to do about the dress, but screaming at each other isn’t going to help. I go downstairs and have a cold drink, trying to calm down. I give it five minutes before I walk back upstairs.
I see my bedroom door is open. I run in, expecting to see Adriana. She’s gone. And my dress is too.
A thought hits me and I feel sick. Maybe she’s ripped it in two as payback. I scan the room. Nothing.
I run to the bathroom. No dress and no Ade.
A horn beeps outside, three times. When I dash to the window, I see Ade opening the door to a cab. She’s wearing my dress and she’s wrapped it to fit her perfectly. She looks like a movie star as she sweeps into the cab and slams the door. I watch it disappear down the road.
The thing that gets me is I would have given her the dress. I was going to give it to her once she opened the door. I could deal with giving up my dress if it meant I kept my best friend. The same with Theo, even if my heart is telling me that what I feel for him is way more than a simple crush.
But she’s taken my dress and gone, which tells me that she isn’t interested in trying to work things out.
Ade has already said she doesn’t want me on her table. I imagine walking into the formal all alone and trying to find a spot on someone else’s table, while everyone snickers at me. For a minute I want to stay home and eat popcorn and watch Netflix with Mum.
And then I change my mind. This is still my formal. Ade and I will make up — we have to — and then later on I’ll look back and regret not going, even if the whole night is nothing like I hoped for.
If I’m still going, I have to find something to wear. The mall shut half an hour ago, so my only option is something I already own. I run to my cupboard and rifle through it. How can I own nothing dressy? You barely went out while Ade was away, remember?
My heart is pounding. I feel like I’m in one of those dreams where you�
��re late for something and you can’t find your wallet or shoes, even though they were right there.
I throw on a dress I wore to a wedding of one of Mum’s friends, even though it’s more of a cocktail dress than a formal gown. I don’t look right at all but I haven’t any other options.
I pick up my phone, wondering if I should give Mum a heads-up that I need her to drive me to the formal. I have no idea how to explain my missing dress, or the fact that Ade’s gone too.
My phone’s flashing with a notification — I have a new Facebook message. I open it and see it’s from Olivier.
Finally.
My pulse is pounding so loudly in my ears that I can’t make sense of the words at first. But it only takes me twenty seconds to see that the message isn’t what I was hoping for.
Hi Emily, thank you for your message. I understand your curiosity to get in touch. Your mother sent me photos of you occasionally when you were small.
You discussed the possibility of speaking on the phone, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. My wife has just had a baby, and I know something like this would upset her. I’ve never told her about your mother or you, as it was long before we met.
I’m sorry if this is disappointing for you. Perhaps circumstances may be different in the future, in which case I’ll be in touch. I do wish you all the best.
I sit down on my bed. Disappointing for me? The phrase makes a mockery of how bad I’m feeling at being rejected in this way.
My wife just had a baby.
I wonder whether it’s a girl, and he’ll play hopscotch with her when she’s five, or take her to swimming classes and teach her not to be scared of putting her face in the water. If he’ll watch her play the lead role in her Year Ten theatre production, and proudly watch as she comes down the stairs in her formal dress.
The last thought breaks me and I burst into tears. He didn’t want to be my dad, but here he is about to be someone else’s.
Before tonight, my father was just some misty cloud of ‘maybes’. Maybe he was just young and selfish and stupid at the time Mum got pregnant, terrified of the responsibility of a baby. Maybe he’s always regretted leaving. Maybe he’s out there somewhere, hoping to meet me once I’m older and he feels he can explain things to me.
But now … there are no maybes. This is the truth. And I have to live with it.
The doorbell rings.
It’s probably Daniel, here to take photos with us. Adriana can’t have told him about our fight. I wipe my tears away and take a deep breath before opening the door.
‘Hey, I’m a little early,’ Theo says. He’s dressed in a suit and looks even more handsome than usual. He takes in my presumably tear-stained face. ‘Em, what’s wrong?’
For some reason, seeing him makes all the emotions rise to the surface more sharply.
‘Do you mind giving me a lift?’ It hurts to talk through the lump in my throat. ‘I need to get out of here for a while.’
I can’t deal with seeing Mum right now. I don’t want to tell her I tracked down Olivier, after she’s spent my whole life telling me what I never wanted to hear — he wasn’t interested in a relationship with us.
‘Of course,’ Theo says. ‘I actually need to go back to mine quickly. It’s embarrassing, but in the rush to get here I left Ade’s corsage in my room. She just texted me to say she’s at another address, by the way. We can pick her up once you’re feeling a little better.’
I don’t tell him that I won’t be welcome to travel to the formal with them, or that since reading that message I’ve decided I no longer want to go at all. Once he’s ready to collect Ade, I’ll take a cab downtown to a coffee shop or something. I need a few hours to pull myself together before I see Mum.
Theo climbs in next to me in the back seat of the chauffeured car and grabs my hand in a fierce grip. He doesn’t ask any questions, like he knows that whatever I’m upset about is something I can’t say out loud yet. I close my eyes, trying to clear my head before I tell him about Olivier.
‘This is my place,’ Theo tells me as the driver stops. ‘No-one’s home at the moment, so don’t worry.’
‘Listen, I might just call a cab,’ I say as I get out of the car.
I feel weird about going inside, and telling him a sob story about how my father doesn’t want to know me is only going to make him late to pick up Adriana.
‘Em, tell me what’s going on — I hate seeing you like this.’
‘It’s my dad,’ I say, and that’s all I manage before I burst into tears.
‘Let’s go inside and talk about it.’
He puts his arm round my shoulders and guides me into his house and up the stairs. It’s dark now and he’s switching on lights as we go. When we reach the furthest room down the hall, he stops and flips a switch before leading me inside.
I’m in his room. I’m sitting on his bedspread, which is inky grey. The only lights in here are two soft lamps on either side of his bed. Ade’s corsage — tiny red roses that match her dress — sits in a box on the left side table.
I shouldn’t be here, I tell myself, but then Theo is sitting down beside me, taking my hand in his, and because I can’t yet make sense of the jumble of emotion inside my mind, I show him the Facebook message.
‘What an idiot.’ His face is disgusted as he reads it. ‘To miss out on knowing you …’
I look away, hoping to feel less raw, and notice his bedside clock. It takes a few seconds for the numbers to make sense. It’s 6.40 pm already.
‘Adriana,’ I say, feeling like I’ve snapped out of a trance. ‘You’re late — you need to go pick her up. You can leave me here. I’ll call a cab —’
‘There’s no way I’m leaving you alone tonight.’ He pulls his phone out of his pocket. ‘Let me call her. She’ll want to come here if she knows you’re upset.’
He dials the number. ‘Adriana, I’m sorry I’m late — something’s happened with Emily. I’ll send my car over to get you.’ His brow creases. ‘No, listen, I’m not standing you up —’
I can hear her voice through the phone: ‘Don’t bother coming, Theo.’
She thinks there’s something going on. I don’t want her to believe tonight of all nights that another guy is letting her down. I gesture for Theo to give me the phone.
‘Ade, it’s me. It’s my fault Theo’s late. He came to pick you up because he thought you were still at my place, and I was upset because I tracked down my dad and he …’ I don’t know how to say it. He doesn’t want me.
‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ Ade’s voice is completely flat. ‘I’ve been sitting here the last forty-five minutes waiting for my date, with everyone looking at me like I’ve been stood up. And then Maddy gets a text from Rachel Mathers, who lives across the street from Theo. I know you’re at his place, Emily. I’m done.’
‘Adriana, it’s not like that. Why would I be calling you from his phone if I wanted to hide things from you?’
‘You’d better not dare show your face at the formal,’ she hisses, and the phone goes dead.
I stare at it for a second, before handing it back to Theo.
‘She thinks there’s something going on,’ he says, and lets out a sigh.
I take a deep breath all the way in and out, trying to stop myself feeling dizzy.
‘I know she’s told me not to go, but you should,’ I tell him.
‘Tonight’s not the time to show up and tell her she’s got it wrong.’ He rubs his temples. ‘I’ve already wrecked the start of her night, and if I go now I’ll wreck the rest. Besides, I’m not leaving you.’
‘I’m the one who’s wrecked everything.’ Why didn’t I stay at home instead of jumping in the car with Theo? Now I’ve ruined his formal as well as Adriana’s. ‘I was so stupid to go looking for my dad. Why did I think he’d want me?’
No-one wants you, the deepest, darkest part of my mind says, even though I know that’s not true. But this rejection makes every other one I’ve felt this term rise up ane
w.
I’m trying desperately not to cry, but by the time I realise I am, Theo’s arms are around me like a stronghold. My fingers are clenched around the bottom of his blue velvet jacket. His hand is where it was when we waltzed, but this time it’s holding me firmly against him, no gap between us.
He pulls away just enough to look me straight in the eyes. ‘Who wouldn’t want you, Em? You are incredible.’
Even though he’s complimenting me, making me feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt in my life, my heart feels like it’s breaking. All I know is I want this pain to end, and the answer seems to be to close the distance between his mouth and mine.
Theo lets out a soft moan as my lips meet his, like he’s in pain, but then his hand is on my cheek and he’s pulling me in. I think of Paulo and Francesca, of Guinevere and Lancelot, and the nine circles of hell, and how I’m at the heart of them. And Dante was wrong: betrayal isn’t ice, it’s fire all over. Theo’s mouth over mine incinerates any thought I might have of stopping into ashes.
It’s only when we pull apart, gasping for breath like two people who have been drowning, that the world comes slamming down on me.
‘Don’t say you regret it, please.’ Theo strokes my hair away from my face. ‘Don’t. Even if you do, I don’t want to hear it. I never want to think of that kiss,’ he touches my cheek again, ‘that kiss with you, Em, and in my mind hear your voice saying the word “regret”.’
‘How am I not supposed to regret it?’ I take his hand away from my cheek. ‘I’ve just done the worst thing you can ever do to a friend — I kissed her guy. And you … why did you kiss me back?’ I’m angry at myself, but I’m angry at him too. Now Adriana’s been betrayed by two people instead of one. ‘You like her — you always have — since the first day of term.’
My Best Friend Is a Goddess Page 31