‘Em, why do you think that?’ He shakes his head. ‘Stupid question. I know why you think that — the formal invite, that big mess.’
It’s more than a mess. I’ve destroyed everything. Now I can never say to Ade that nothing happened at Theo’s house. The one thing that might have been enough to earn her forgiveness. I can never say to myself, I’m not that type of girl, because I am. I’ve betrayed her. I belong in Dante’s ninth circle of hell.
Theo grasps my left hand. ‘Emily, you have to hear me out. It isn’t Ade I’ve liked since the first day at Jefferson. It’s you. Your violet eyes and funny stories, and the way you made me tremble when you laid one fingertip on my mouth. That conversation at the party — it made me crazy with the need to kiss you, except everything you were talking about was so darn great that I didn’t want to miss a single word.’
‘You slow-danced with Ade at the party. You asked her to the formal,’ I say, angry. I wish he wasn’t telling me all of this because it can’t change things. It’s too late.
‘I danced with her to stop Dylan from charging in. She knew that. And the formal? I asked you, Em — I thought that was obvious — and you still believed I wanted to take Ade. Why would you think that?’
‘Because you liking me seems crazy,’ I say softly.
‘Why?’ He’s staring at me.
‘Because Ade is what she is, and I am what I am!’ Why is he making me say it? ‘She’s a goddess.’
‘Let me show you something.’
He grabs my hand and leads me into another room, to an easel draped with a large sheet. He pulls the sheet away and I’m staring at a landscape. It’s a castle with golden columns, standing in a green field surrounded by rivers that disappear into the clouds. A woman is standing at the edge of the clouds, looking into the distance. She has rainbow-coloured wings and she’s wearing a caftan like the one I wore to Ade’s party. Her hair is red …
‘Emily,’ Theo says, ‘you’re a goddess to me.’
A tear escapes from my right eye, and I quickly move away from the painting before my emotions ruin something else tonight.
‘If that’s all you take away from tonight, that’s worth it.’ He squeezes my hand. ‘I can live with being the guy you kissed because you wanted to feel better if I can also be the guy who helped remind you that you’re amazing.’
I know I shouldn’t say what I want to, but if I don’t, it will haunt me forever that Theo gave me a gift and I gave him nothing back at all.
‘You’re not the guy I kissed to feel better,’ I say. ‘You’re the guy I’ve wanted the whole time.’
The next minute he’s grasping my face in his hands and kissing me like he never wants to stop — as if he would fly like Francesca and Paulo in circle two’s howling winds for all time.
‘I know it’s selfish of me to do that,’ he murmurs against my lips. ‘And it’s even more selfish to say that all I want is for your friend to understand that we want to be together.’ He sighs. ‘I don’t want you to lose Ade over this. She’s your best friend and that’s precious. But I don’t want to lose you either.’
‘Theo, I can’t —’
‘I won’t ask you to,’ he says, and presses his forehead against mine. ‘But please, don’t go yet. Give me a few hours that I can remember later on.’
And so I stay, even though I shouldn’t. I lie with him on his bed, my head against his velvet jacket, and we talk ourselves into a delirium, and kiss until my mouth goes numb. I fall asleep in his arms, breaking every command that comes to mind. I should have left ten minutes ago. I should have left after he kissed me. I should never have walked into his house —
I stay because I already know I’m damned.
Secret Thoughts of Adriana Andersson
Sometimes I blame Emily for what happened next, even though I know it’s not her fault. If our situations had been reversed, I would have encouraged her as well.
But sometimes I need a break from thrashing myself and thinking, Why didn’t she tell me I was crazy? does the trick. I replay our conversation in her room the night after Dylan and I went to the movies ad nauseam, wondering whether I would have made the decision without her backing me.
‘He was giving you a hint, Ade, I swear,’ Emily said.
She knew it all, from the bracelet to the tickling. We’d been micro-analysing my crush on Dylan for two months.
‘He played with your hair, Ade.’ Emily’s expression makes me think of a fizzy drink bottle that’s bubbling over. ‘A guy doesn’t do that unless he likes a girl.’
‘It could be a friendly thing,’ I said, but her bubbliness had gone into my veins and I felt giggly and light. ‘This is crazy, Em. I could never be that brave.’
I remembered the way Dylan looked at me when he said, I hope she is. Maybe I’d admire a woman who puts herself out there like that.
‘You’re brave enough to come to school every day and face Tatiana and the Tens,’ Emily said. ‘You should be thinking Dylan’s front door is no match for me! and kicking it down like a superhero.’ She did a mock judo kick and narrowly missed her dresser.
‘Kick down a door? My legs would give out the moment I got to his place.’
‘You need to break it down into steps instead of looking at it like Mount Everest. Buy rose. Knock on door. Door opens, look at Dylan, say “I like you” and he’ll take it from there. Cue Hollywood-style kiss.’
I remembered Dylan leaning towards me when we were lying face to face, and his hand on mine while Dorothy clicked her heels.
‘I can’t go into the shop,’ I said, meaning the florist — Mum’s old work.
‘I’ll go for you,’ Emily said.
By Valentine’s Day I was a complete wreck. When Emily went to the florist at lunchtime, I was convinced that they’d have lost her order, or assumed she wanted a red rose, and when she asked them to change it they’d be completely out of white ones.
I was standing at the school gates, nervously waiting for her to return, when I spotted her running back. She wasn’t carrying anything.
‘It’s in my bag,’ she whispered. ‘Let’s go to the bathroom.’
We ran in and I scanned the row of stalls. All the locks were green.
‘Go check that nobody’s coming,’ Emily said, unzipping her bag.
I went to the door. ‘No-one. Hurry up!’
Quick as a flash she pulled the tube with the white rose out of her backpack and slipped it into mine. ‘You’re taking the next bus after his, right, so he doesn’t suspect?’
‘I’m going to walk.’
‘It’ll take you forty minutes.’
I didn’t mind. It would give me a chance to pull myself together.
‘You’ve got this, Ade,’ Em said and hugged me.
Only when I was in history class did I think of the last stall in the bathroom. All the rest had been open but the end one had been almost shut. I hadn’t worried because the lock wasn’t red. Why hadn’t I checked for feet?
We didn’t say anything we shouldn’t have, I reminded myself and blocked it out of my already worry-filled mind.
What-if was on a roll during the walk to Dylan’s, trying to make me turn back.
What if he thinks you’re crazy? You do get crazy thoughts, Panic Attack Girl.
What if he thinks you’re a stalker? Knocking on his door, turning up unannounced?
You don’t own me, I told it, but it knew I was bluffing.
I didn’t let myself stop walking until I was in Dylan’s driveway and getting the rose out of the backpack. I was scared it might have wilted, but it was still perfect. Seeing it made the whole thing real and my stomach lurched.
For a second, I almost put the rose back in my bag. And then I thought about how I always believed the worst, how six months ago I never would have dreamt Dylan would want to be friends with me. And now look at us. Good things could happen.
A feeling came over me like I was being watched. I looked around, but there was no-one on the street
. I realised I’d been standing in the driveway for five minutes — some neighbour was probably staring out their window wondering what I was doing.
What was I doing?
What-if might taunt me now, but that was nothing compared to how it would be if I walked away. Then it would be, What if you hadn’t been a coward? What if you’d had some guts, like he talked about?
Pretend, I told myself as I walked up the steps and onto the verandah. Pretend it’s a movie and you’re playing the role of the girl who marches up to the guy’s front door determined to tell him how she feels.
I rang the bell, feeling like I might pass out before he opened the door. I snapped the panic bracelet on my wrist three times: It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.
He opened the door and smiled at me. ‘Addy, what are you doing here? I’m re-watching The Princess Bride — do you want to watch it with me?’
He hadn’t seen the rose yet; it was still behind my back.
I took a deep breath. ‘I’m here because … I want to say Happy Valentine’s Day.’
I pulled the rose from behind my back, my brain screaming at my hand to stay steady. If I’d offered him a snake, he couldn’t have been more shocked. His mouth opened but no words came out. His eyes darted from me to the flower and back again, over and over. I knew his mind was travelling back in time to our conversation at the movies.
‘Dylan, I like you.’ I used all the air in my lungs to push the words out in one rush. I wanted them to sound confident, or cute, but it was obvious I was scared out of my mind. I let out a shaky laugh. ‘This is not like me at all. But that’s the unexpected plot twist in action, right?’
I wanted him to say something. This was the worst silence I’d ever lived through.
Instead of speaking, he pulled me in close to him. This was happening. My heart was drumming so fast I was scared I’d have a heart attack right after I’d done the hardest thing I’d ever done and I wouldn’t get one second to enjoy it.
Dylan was staring down at me like he didn’t know what to do, but the edges of his eyes were so soft. He did care about me.
I thought of the scene he’d described to me at the movies, and how bold the girl was, and realised I had to go all the way. I lifted myself up on my tiptoes and kissed him.
For a second, all the pain of the last eight months lifted off me. For a second, I was so insanely happy I didn’t notice the most obvious thing. He wasn’t kissing me back.
I pulled away immediately, putting my hand on my mouth like I could push the kiss back in.
Dylan grabbed my hand. ‘Addy.’
The way he said it made me hate my own name. Right then I knew why he’d taken me in his arms — he was trying to give me a sympathetic hug. Trying to find a way to say, This is never going to happen.
‘Thank you for the rose,’ he started.
I knew he meant, Thanks but no thanks. I wanted to run, but my legs wouldn’t work.
‘You don’t like me,’ I said, and the words came out bluntly.
Of course he doesn’t like you. How could you ever think he would, you idiot?
‘Addy, of course I like you, you’re my friend, but …’ He paused again.
I was still in his arms, but being there was a mockery. I couldn’t bear it.
‘It’s not like that with us,’ he said. ‘I don’t see you that way —’
I wrenched myself away from him. ‘You’re not attracted to me because I’m ugly.’
He looked like I’d hurt him. I wanted to say, No, you don’t get to look like that, I’m the one who’s hurting, but I didn’t need to say it. It was a hundred per cent obvious to him how much I cared.
‘Addy, you’re not ugly.’
He was lying. Trying to save my feelings. I couldn’t bear that he thought of me that way. To my horror, I started crying.
Dylan was still talking, but it was a blur until I heard, ‘I’m going out with someone else.’
‘What?’
He looked embarrassed. ‘I know you don’t like her so it’ll be hard to understand …’
You don’t like her. I thought of how, since the movies, Tatiana had been laughing extra loud at Dylan’s jokes, giving him those sexy glances over her shoulder in class. I’d heard her after swimming one afternoon, talking and giggling with the other Tens: ‘Dylan’s getting hot, right?’ I’d been nervous he might take notice of her, but he hadn’t gone red in the face or seemed flattered or anything. And yet he liked her. He wanted a girl like that.
‘You know the type of person she is,’ I whispered.
‘Addy, she’s a different person to who she was in primary school.’
I wanted to laugh, because it was so absurd and he couldn’t see it. She’s hot and he’s a guy. Why would loyalty to a friend have any sway over that? To hear him playing down everything she’d done to me since we were six told me he already valued her more than me.
Why wouldn’t he? Everyone can tell you’re worthless.
I pictured Tatiana’s sheet of long blonde hair next to my mousy brown braid; her perfect smile next to my shaky braces-filled one; her never-back-down stare and my ‘please just leave me alone’ pleading glance. She was powerful and I was pitiful.
‘You’re my friend, and you always will be,’ Dylan said. He looked so uncomfortable, like he was thinking, Why did I ever say those things at the movies? ‘If she does anything to you, tell me and I’ll ask her to leave you alone.’
The offer was beyond an insult.
That was when I saw it — a red rose in plastic on the hallway table. I knew it was from her. She would have leaned up to kiss him too, and he would have returned her kiss.
I looked down at the white rose in my hand and knew that our friendship, all the time we’d spent together, the connection we had, counted for nothing. I would always would be Adriana Puke-a-rama to everyone, even him.
I turned and ran, yanking the bracelet from my wrist. It fell somewhere behind me, as did the white rose. I’d thought that nothing could hurt as much as losing Mum, but this came close. This pain linked onto that one and the combination felt like it could obliterate me.
Dylan was a small ray of light I’d been fixating on, a chance I might make it out of the tunnel I’d been trapped in. Now the light had disappeared and the tunnel was blacker than ever before, because I knew there was no way out now, not ever.
28
ADRIANA
I’m shaking with anger when I hang up on Emily, but there’s no way I want the Tens to know I’m upset. The last forty-five minutes have been hell enough.
It was fine when I first arrived at Lana’s. The girls were excited to see me, and the noise and chaos of finishing touches to makeup and fifty or so group photos blurred my shock over my ruined dress and Emily’s betrayal.
I didn’t say a word about what happened at Emily’s. I just told them I’d decided to go with a different dress at the last moment. And I pushed the reality out of my mind.
Who cares if Emily likes Theo? He’s your date and he’s on his way to fetch you. This is your night, and it’s going to go like you planned.
Fat chance.
I texted Theo to tell him the change in plans, and he texted back to say he was on his way but was running slightly late because he had to duck back home to pick up my corsage.
Luke and the other boys arrived in the limo, and even though the photo-taking went for way longer than planned, Theo still hadn’t shown. All the girls were giving each other looks like, Has he stood her up? and I was thinking the same thing, the fear drumming through my body.
As I was trying to think of an excuse to go back inside the house to call Theo in private, I heard Maddy gasp loudly. She was staring down at her phone. She nudged Ally, and then Ally was whispering to Lana, and all of the Tens were staring at me. Even Chanel had this odd expression on her face.
‘A, was Emily meant to be at Theo’s house for any reason?’ she asked me.
‘What?’ I said.
I lo
oked at Maddy’s phone, my heart drumming even faster than when I left Emily’s. There was a photo of Theo with his arm round a girl, leading her through the front door of a large house. I knew the girl was Emily because her red hair is unmistakable. But I still couldn’t believe it.
‘Rachel Mathers sent this to me — she lives across from Theo,’ Maddy said. ‘That’s his place. Why is Emily there?’
‘Seems pretty obvious to me,’ Lana said under her breath.
I grabbed the phone from Maddy and zoomed in. Up close, I could see Theo’s arm tightly round her, and she was leaning into him. Like they were together.
I remembered that speech she made to me about her crush being nothing, about how she wanted to get over it, about how she would never go after him. And then one hour later here she was in his arms, disappearing into his house when he was meant to be picking me up for the formal.
I felt like I was going to be sick. Thinking Emily might be capable of betraying me was one thing; seeing proof like this was another. Flashes of light appeared in my vision, and my breathing went ragged. The other girls were talking a mile a minute, but I only heard snippets.
‘What a bitch,’ Maddy said.
‘This is the type of thing ugly girls do to make them feel better about themselves,’ Lana said wryly.
‘Act like a you-know-what?’ Ally raised her eyebrows. ‘Like, she’s going inside his house. Probably to his room, right?’
I registered Chanel’s arms around me. It felt like she was the only one who genuinely cared about me rather than the drama.
My phone rang — it was Theo. He’s calling me to tell me he’s taking her instead. I didn’t want to pick up, but there was no way I was letting them get away with doing this to me.
When I heard Theo going on about how Emily was upset, how I should be worried about her, something inside me, the part that used to be soft, turned to rock.
His voice was full of how much he cares for her. I knew then this had been going on way longer than tonight. I thought of their study sessions and what must have been happening during them. He was with her right now and he was still lying to me.
My Best Friend Is a Goddess Page 32