by K Larsen
I realize now that we’ve been apart now almost as long as we were together but Laney, I need you. I want you. Nothing feels right without you. Loving you is easy Laney, but not loving you is... impossible. I understand that you want me to leave you alone, so I’m writing this to let go, to free you of me.
I love you, Laney. I should have said it back that first night we made love.
Enclosed is my picture from the Fourth of July.
Jake aka Mr. Attractive aka Magic Mouth
Fat tears drop from my chin and splat on the page. Am I really stupid enough to believe what he says or am I stupid enough to not believe what he says? I look at the photograph and my heart disintegrates. Somehow Ginny developed our two pictures into one. Jake and I stand next to each other, both having used our sparklers to make a heart. Our hearts are overlapping each other’s and the grin on Jake’s face is enormous. He and Ginny knew what they were doing. This was before we slept together. This was after two or three dates. He planned this picture as a surprise for me. It’s amazing and romantic and perfectly done. The only thing not perfect is us not being together.
I sniffle and wipe my nose on my sleeve.
“I’ll go over to Nanny’s,” Claire’s voice comes out of nowhere.
“What?” I ask, startled that she caught me crying.
“I’ll go to Nanny’s,” she repeats.
“I heard you, Claire, but why?”
“So you can get Jake back,” she shrugs.
“What?”
“Mum. I’m almost eight, I’m not stupid. Plus, he kinda told me it was a letter and a picture when he gave me the envelope.”
“What?! He was here?” I squeal.
“Yeah, he was at the bus stop. Don't freak out. I miss him too,” she says with a pout.
I stare at my almost eight-year-old in astonishment as she picks up her backpack and walks next door to my mom’s, leaving me stunned.
Jake
I had to give my phone to Owen for safe keeping so I won't break down and text Laney. The florist actually called to make sure I was all right, seeing as I hadn’t called in a delivery for the last three days. Amelia and Owen said that if I just stopped all contact with her, maybe she’d actually miss me. I think their plan is whack. I want nothing more than to listen to her voice in my voicemails, call her, text her--anything to keep some form of contact.
It’s been two whole days of this no-contact plan and I’m starting to panic. Every time I hear a car pass by I will it to be Laney coming, but it never is. Finally I break all the rules set by Amelia and Owen and I write Laney a letter. A love letter and goodbye letter all in one. I can't do this anymore. I’ll go insane soon without knowing how or if it will ever end. She’s so caught up in old hurt she won't really let me in. She wants to, I can see it in her eyes, but she’s still holding back and now she thinks I’ve given her a reason to legitimately push me away and she has. I put the sparkler photograph in an oversized envelope with the letter and simply write, “Laney Peters.” I drive to her road and wait at Claire’s bus stop.
“Jake?!” Claire squeaks when she sees me.
“Hi, pretty girl. How are you?”
“Good. Did Mom let you come over?” The hope that shows in her eyes kills me. I hang my head a little and shake my head.
“No, Claire, and I don't think she will.”
She pouts at me as I hold up a finger for her to wait a second longer.
“Will you give her this for me? Just bring it in with the mail, okay?”
She eyes it warily.
“It’s just a letter and a picture,” I tell her.
“Will it make her let you come back?”
“I hope so, but I don't think so,” I tell her before hopping back in my truck and waving goodbye.
By the time I get home I’m a complete ball of nerves. I feel like throwing up. What if she thinks I’m scum for waiting for Claire at the bus stop like some creep? Oh Jesus, what have I done? She probably won't even read the letter let alone accept what’s written in it.
I shake my head clear of my wants and thoughts and crash into the couch. I flip through channels aimlessly until I fall asleep.
Tap. Tap. Tap. I groan and slap the remote, shutting the TV off. Rap. Rap. Rap. I open my eyes. Not the TV. I sit up and listen. Rap. Rap. Rap. The door. It’s the door. I push up off the couch, quickly making my way to the door. I grab the handle and swing it open while rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
“Laney,” I breathe. I think maybe I’m still asleep. Maybe I’m dreaming.
“I wasn't going to come. I wasn't. But...” Her voice cracks before trailing off. It’s pitch black outside. I have no idea what time it is or how long I’ve been asleep. She looks miserable.
“But what?” I manage.
“What if the right part of leaving turned out to be wrong?” She’s trembling and struggling to find her words. I want so badly to help her out, quiet her doubts, but I don't. I let her struggle to say what she needs to say. “If I could kiss you now, I'd kiss you again and again until I don't know where I begin and you end.” She doesn't look me in the eye as she finishes. I wait for her to look at me but her eyes stay trained on the ground.
“So kiss me,” I croak. Her head snaps up, her eyes finding mine, searching to see if she heard me right. I can't help it, my lips twitch and turn up at the corners. Still she doesn't move. I bend at the waist, bringing my lips inches from hers. “Kiss me, Laney,” I whisper.
Her hands shoot up and grip the nape of my neck as she pushes up on her tiptoes slightly to close the distance between us. Her kiss is everything I’ve missed. It’s passion, desire, heat, and love. She kisses me until we’re both gasping for air. I pull her close to me, safe and sheltered in my embrace, just holding her while we both find our breath.
“You really love me?” she asks.
“Dammit, Delaney, you like to stand in the line of fire just to show you can shoot straight from your hip, you’re stubborn and impossible to reason with when you think you’re right, but fuck it, Laney, I can't figure out a way to not love you.” The sigh that escapes her mouth tells me that she believes me. It gives me hope that everything is going to be okay. “Come inside, you’re shivering.” She nods into my chest and I lead us into the house. Things are awkward for a few minutes. I don't want to let her go but I’m not sure I’m allowed to hold onto her.
“I....” She puts her fingers over my lips to silence me.
Delaney
“You’re not the one who needs to do the talking. I am. But honestly, right now, Jake, I don't want to talk. I want to crawl into bed with you. I want to feel your arms around me. I want to fall asleep knowing that when I wake up you’ll be right next to me. Basically I want to pretend that for the past two months I haven't been an asshole.” A tear slips down my cheek. Jake reaches down and wipes it away gently.
He scoops me up into his arms and carries me to his bedroom. Before he sets me down he kisses me sweetly but still says nothing. I watch as he strips off his shirt, bearing his impressive chest and stomach to me, followed by his pants. He’s in nothing but his boxers now as he reaches forward, grabbing the hem of my shirt and pulling it up and off. I can't tear my eyes off of him. He steps closer, wrapping his arms around my ribs to unhook my bra and letting it fall to the floor. When his hands reach the button of my jeans, my breath hitches at his gentle touch. He undoes my pants, letting them drop to the floor. We stand there admiring each other in silence for what feels like an eternity. Neither of us touching, moving, or speaking.
I can feel the air thicken, the electricity crackling between us. How could I have ever thought we shouldn't be together? That he would hurt me? That I couldn't trust him? He’s my air. I can't breathe without him anymore. He lifts me again and lays me down in his bed, then crawls in next to me and makes himself comfortable. I lob my arm over his waist and nuzzle into his chest. His strong arms come around me and hold me to him.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into his
chest. The words don't seem to weigh enough for the hurt I’ve caused.
“It can't happen again, Laney. You have to talk to me. You can't run away. It’s immature.” His words sting with their truth.
“I know.”
“Do you?” he pushes.
“Yes, Jake. I do. I’m so sorry. I promise. I promise I won't run next time.”
We lay together for a while without speaking. The rise and fall of his breath is a quiet lullaby. “I love you,” he mumbles, his voice thick and low. With a swollen heart, I melt even further into his embrace and quietly drift to sleep.
Everything feels better in the morning light. Jake’s still sleeping and I can't help but admire him for a moment. How could this man love me after I’ve been such a complete idiot? He fought and fought hard for me to just listen to him and I acted like a twelve-year-old, yet here I am enveloped in his strong and steady arms. I’m never going to let this go.
“Mmmm morning baby,” he mumbles, sounding gravelly. I’m tracing the outline of his abs.
“Mornin’,” I smile at him.
“What’s the plan for today? You writing?” he asks, running a hand through his hair.
“Actually, I finished the book. It’s time to plan the launch party now. I throw one every time I publish a new book. Are you working today?” I inquire.
“I have to head over to the site for a couple hours but I should be done by three,” he informs me.
“Will you come over after?”
He runs a hand down his face. “I don't know, Laney. We still have things to talk about I think.”
I know he’s right. Of course he’s right, but I wish we could magically skip over all of that somehow.
“You’re right. Why don't you come over after Claire’s in bed so we can talk?” I suggest while giving myself enough time during the day to prepare for said conversation.
“That sounds good.”
I move to get up but he pulls me back down to him.
“Delaney, we have to talk, but that doesn't mean that I’m not taking full advantage of having you in my bed this morning.” His eyes are hot with desire.
“Oh really?” I taunt as I roll off the side of the bed and dart for the door. I don't even make it through the doorway before a muscled arm snags my waist and hauls me to the floor. I’m pinned beneath him as he lazily starts trailing kisses up and down my ribs and stomach. He doesn't bother moving us back to the bed before taking full advantage of me.
Jake
I can barely concentrate on work. It’s a short day even but all I can think about is the fact that she came back. She came back, but what does that really mean? I have to get to the bottom of her. I need to get her to talk. To tell me what it is that makes her throw love away. Why she can't commit. The conversation could go well or it could make her shut down and I could lose her. I’m not sure what to say to her, how to handle her, or what I can do to make her believe just how serious I am about us.
I plow through the day and curse myself for suggesting that we talk at eight instead of two. For the last hour I’ve been pacing around the house like a lunatic, willing time to speed up. It hasn't. Eventually I busy myself with making a light dinner hoping that it will kill just the right amount of time before I leave for Laney’s.
“Hi, come in,” she smiles at me. I follow her into the house and wipe my palms on my jeans. My hands are clammy. “So…” she says.
“So,” I echo. Laney gives a nervous laugh.
“Okay, listen, this is silly. We are adults. What do you need to talk about?” she asks.
She’s right. We are both acting like teenagers avoiding something. I sit down on the couch and pull her close to me. “Awhile back, Gavin said some stuff to me that makes me wonder if you’re really able to commit to a relationship. Judging from his antics though, I don't know what to believe. I’d like to hear whatever it is from you.”
I watch as Laney blinks a couple times and takes a few deep breaths. “What did Gavin say?”
“It was about John.”
“Oh,” she murmurs. She pulls back from me and swats my hand away when I try to keep her near. “Listen, Jake, I can tell you all this but you have to understand that it’s going to sound weird. I love you. I know I love you and I want this to work but I’m going to explain John the best way I can.”
“Okay.” Now I’m nervous. She leans back on the armrest of the couch, searching for words to start.
“So, John. Gavin introduced us. They were friends and worked together. I had gone to middle school with John too and had a super crush on him but thought he was way out of my league. Anyways, at nineteen I knew he was the one. The man I would spend the rest of my life with. He was my first love, my first...well...we were each other’s firsts. He was everything I’d ever dreamed of. A man. He swept me off my feet. He was romantic, he was kind, a good person, funny, true, genuine. I loved him without abandon. I gave him my heart and soul. I put them in his hands knowing he’d take care of them. I’d never been so reckless with my heart before but his love warranted it. I could barely breathe without him.” She pauses and stares at me for a long time before continuing. “When I was twenty, he sent me an email one night saying goodnight, I love you, and I can’t wait to see you this weekend. I went to bed happy. The next afternoon, I was watching TV, and he called. He started talking about being at a crossroads in life and having to make a hard decision. One that didn't include me. That he was ending things.” She looks out the window, lost in thought.
“I didn't understand. He didn't give a reason. There was no closure. But the moment the words left his mouth I shattered. I fell apart. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I felt like I didn't breathe. I sobbed hysterically for hours and hours every day. Once a college friend stopped by to cheer me up and found me on the floor of the shower, sobbing.” She brings her gaze back to mine.
“It took Gavin and my friends months and months to put me back together. I felt his loss like a death. I deleted him from my life and never saw him again. It was a year before I even started dating again and when I did…well…I just didn't have a heart to give out anymore. I had a fragmented heart and although I tried like hell to give it away, to be in love, to make relationships work, they all fell apart. I held back, not willing to experience that kind of hurt again. It wasn't on purpose. I didn't realize I was doing it.”
I lean forward and take her hand in mine, lacing our fingers together.
“The night of Gavin’s cookout, John was there. Thirteen years later and there he was standing right in front of me. He said some strange things about me and Gavin and finally it came out that Gavin basically told him to break up with me so he could be with me. The thought that if our relationship had played out naturally, maybe I wouldn't be so afraid kills me. Maybe there would have been closure, maybe we would have grown apart naturally or maybe we’d have ten million babies and be together still. But I’ll never know. And it was Gavin who destroyed me. I held onto all the feelings for John for all these years and it wasn't him…it was my best friend. I guess…now I don't know why I’m scared. I don't have a reason to fall back on anymore. That’s even scarier to me somehow. Knowing that I do in fact have 100% of my heart to give, knowing that I can give it to you and knowing that you could destroy me. I don't think I could handle that kind of pain twice in one lifetime,” she finishes.
“I’m gonna be honest here, I don't really know what to say to all that. People fall in love, people get hurt…they grow and move on though.”
“I know that. But the love I felt for John…it was…intense. I was pulled to him. It was something I just didn't learn how to get over, really.”
“Where does that leave me, Laney?” I ask.
“That’s just it. You make me feel things that I haven't in so long that it scares me. The connection we have, the things you make me feel. It’s intense, too, and after only a short time dating. I feel foolish admitting this stuff to you.”
“I need to hear it. I don't want
to be second best. Do you still have feelings for John?” I venture. She sucks in a breath.
“Jesus, come on, that’s not fair. Do you still have fond memories and little feelings for the first girl you fell in love with? I don't think first loves really go away. Of course I still have feelings for him but I am not in love with him. I’m in love with you. I want to hand you my heart, Jake. I want to do it but I want to know you’re going to take care of it.”
“I can't promise that, Laney, you can’t either. It’s impossible to see the future or know how things will play out but, I don't intend on hurting you. I can’t figure out a way to not love you. I need you in my life like I need water to survive. I need you, Laney. I want you. I can't promise anything, I won't promise, because I don't ever want to break a promise to you.” Words are gushing out of me at an alarming rate. I laugh nervously.
“What’s so funny?” she asks.
“I think I’m having a Notebook moment.”
“Huh?” She cocks her head.
“The Notebook...the movie? I feel like a guy in a chick flick who feels too much.”
“Oh my god! You watched that movie?” she squeals.
“Yeah.”
“Truth. Did you cry?” she asks.
“A tear might have rolled down my cheek at the end,” I admit.