18 Months

by Samantha Boyette

  “No, really,” I said. “That’s dumb. If it was some guy kissing me, I’d never tell the principal.”

  “But it wasn’t.” Genny’s eyes gleamed with the idea of the trouble Lana would be in. When she and Madison got together, there was no stopping them. “She needs to know she can’t just shove her freaky lifestyle on anyone.”

  In the end, I let them lead me to the principal’s office. I didn’t think anything would come of it. I figured Mrs. Wagner would blow it off. Maybe if I’d gone alone she would have, but Madison and Genny were Walnut Grove royalty. Their parents belonged to the country club with Mrs. Wagner and if they said something needed to be done, something would be done.

  Chapter Three

  “What if your parents come home?” I asked as Hannah led me into her room.

  “They won’t.” Hannah rolled her eyes. “They’re at the club for some fundraiser. They won’t leave there until they’ve gotten their money’s worth in food and wine. Besides, I want you to hear this album.”

  I smiled and sank down on the floor, leaning back against her bed. Hannah pulled a record out of its sleeve and started it up. I hadn’t even known you could still buy records before meeting her, but she swore up and down that the music sounded better. I bobbed my head to the music as she sat beside me.

  “We could have sat on the bed.” She smirked, raising an eyebrow.

  I shrugged. “I’m too scared of your parents.”

  “Oh, stop.” She leaned forward, hugging her knees. Neither of our parents had been too pleased about our relationship, but Hannah’s parents seemed to particularly dislike me. “I hate when you say things like that.”

  “Hey.” I reached out and ran the back of my fingers down her bare arm. “I was just kidding.” We never got to be alone in either of our rooms and I didn’t want to ruin the evening.

  She nodded, still not looking at me. “Can we talk about something?”

  I bit the inside of my cheek, worry spiking through me. “Um, yeah?”

  Hannah took a deep breath. “So, I heard that you knew that girl who went missing last year. Lana?”

  I blinked in surprise. Hannah turned to look at me, biting her lip when her eyes met mine. That was what kept me from lying. It was obvious she’d heard something that didn’t sit well with her. I could see it in her wide, dark eyes.

  “Yeah. I mean, we all knew her.” I smiled, hoping maybe I was wrong and we could end the conversation. “It’s a small town. It’s hard not to know someone.”

  Hannah frowned and pushed a strand of straightened black hair behind her ear. “But, I mean, did you two ever hang out or anything?”

  Did we hang out? What did she want me to say? That we hung out for a while, hooked up in secret, then I let everyone in school make her life miserable? Oh, and she didn’t just disappear, she turned up dead.

  I sighed and turned to face her. She did the same. “What’s this about?” I asked.

  “People talk is all.” She shrugged, playing absently with a loose string on her jeans. “I just wanted to know what was true.”

  I reached out and took her hand, twining my pale fingers through hers. Her skin was always so warm. Holding her hand was like touching a small piece of summer. I studied our hands as I spoke, unwilling to look her in the eyes and lie to her.

  “Sophomore year we got paired together in bio because I was pretty much failing miserably. Lana wasn’t exactly the sort of student who handed in homework and never missed a class, but she was always a wiz in science. Since her test grades were so good, the teacher promised she would drop one missing homework assignment for each tutoring session she spent with me. I was just hoping to bring my average up to passing.” I paused, not sure if I could really follow through with what I was about to say.

  “Go on.” Hannah squeezed my hand and I looked up to see an encouraging smile. God, she was so beautiful and she thought I was this great person. How could I possibly tell her the truth about how awful I’d been?

  “We ended up getting along pretty well.” We’d actually had a lot of fun. I looked around the room, unwilling to meet Hannah’s eyes. Her room was twice the size of mine with three times the amount of clothing strewn about. Posters hung randomly on the walls for bands I’d never heard of before meeting her. “I guess she saw something in me that I wasn’t ready to admit to myself yet because one day she kissed me. We were in the bio classroom and Madison and Genny walked in on us.”

  “So it was just that one kiss?”

  “Yeah.” I laughed nervously. “Why?”

  “Because right after we met you told me you had secretly dated someone.” Hannah pulled her hand from mine, wiping her palm over her jeans. I realized my hands were sweating. “And then I heard that you and Lana had a secret romance going on and you turned on her, instead of admitting it. Are you telling me you’ve had two secret romances?”

  I sat slack jawed, wondering how she could have heard that. No one knew about Lana and me. But was that true? I didn’t know if she’d told friends. Maybe now that I was out and dating Hannah one of them had decided to get revenge by telling Hannah what a jerk I’d been.

  “No, I mean, yeah, I was talking about her when I told you that, but it wasn’t quite like that.” I was still unsure what I wanted to admit.

  Hannah turned to face me, sitting straight and cocking her head to stare at me. Her eyes were hard when she spoke. “How exactly was it? And please don’t lie to me.”

  I bit my lip and slouched against the bed. “We weren’t ever a couple or anything. We were just messing around.”

  “But you had kissed before?”

  “Yeah.” I winced, ashamed to think about how I’d let Lana take the fall for me. “But I couldn’t let anyone know that. I was scared.”

  “So you could hook up with her, but when people found out you just threw her under the bus? That’s completely messed up.” Hannah hugged her knees again, using them like a barrier between us.

  “I didn’t throw her under the bus,” I said even though that was exactly what I’d done. “I just wasn’t ready to come out then. I didn’t want to be a lesbian, and I definitely didn’t want to be the girl dating crazy Lana Meyers. You know what it was like when I told my friends about you and me. It would have been ten times worse with her.” I shook my head. “Besides, you didn’t know Lana.”

  “What? She wasn’t popular?” Hannah rolled her eyes. “Of course that was all that mattered.”

  “No, not that. I mean, she wasn’t popular, but she also wasn’t someone I could see myself actually dating. She blew up on me after that day in the bio room. She was almost scary.” I tried to remember the exact details of the last time I was alone with Lana. “She blamed me for her parents wanting to send her to some reprogramming camp for gay kids.”

  “Well, you did sort of force her out,” Hannah said. “If you’d done that to me I’d be mad too.”

  “Not like she was. She shoved me. Lana had a temper.”

  Hannah nodded. “Anyone would in her situation.”

  I sighed and nodded. “I guess. So yeah, I wasn’t into her in a relationship way.” But was that the entire truth? There had been times when I’d imagined us as more. “And yeah, my friends would have freaked out.”

  “Maybe you would have gotten better friends if you’d just been honest with yourself. I’m sorry, but it kills me that you still act like you did something to offend Madison and Genny. They need to get with this century.”

  “You don’t think I know that?” Tears pricked at the back of my eyes as I thought about Lana. I’d acted like an idiot thinking she could handle the backlash for both of us. It had been a selfish and cowardly thing to do. “Last year was hell. I spent the whole year wondering where Lana was and trying desperately to be something I wasn’t. It was exhausting.”

  “You did that to yourself though.” Hannah shook her head and hugged her knees tighter. “You should have been honest, forced them to see you for you.”

  I ro
lled my eyes. “Says the girl whose parents pretty much pretend I don’t exist.”

  Hannah bristled. “They’re coming around. Mom just asked the other day if you wanted to help us hand out Halloween candy. Besides, my parents flipping out is so not the same as Madison and Genny. Those two were supposed to be your best friends and they dropped you like a bad signal. It isn’t like you try very hard with my parents anyway.”

  “Because they hate me.” I bit my lip. “Your dad looks at me like I’m defiling his little girl.”

  Hannah smirked. “Well, you kind of are.”

  I glared. “Not the point, and not funny. Don’t act like I’m the only one who cares what people think. You tense up every time your parents enter the room with us and half the time you drop my hand.”

  “I do not.” Hannah glared at me. “Why are you attacking me? I just wanted to know the truth about you and that girl.”

  “And you basically attacked me. You act like I’m horrible because I worried about what my friends thought of me. Newsflash, we all worry about that.” I shook my head. ”Whatever, this isn’t getting us anywhere.” I stood to leave. My face burned and I could feel tears stinging behind my eyes because I knew she was right. Everyone I’d been friends with since eighth grade had bailed on me as soon as I told them about Hannah and me. That hurt more than I would ever admit.

  Hannah caught my arm. “Where are you going? I didn’t mean to fight. It just hurt to hear that you could be so mean. Then you bring up my parents. And it sucks that you tried to lie to me about what really happened with Lana.”

  “Yeah, well maybe it sucks for me to remember how crappy I was to a girl who’s dead now. Did you ever think of that? She died and I couldn’t talk to anyone about how much that hurt.” I pulled my sweatshirt on.

  “So why don’t you talk to me about it then instead of getting all pissed off?” Hannah scrambled to her feet.

  “Because it’s over.” I turned to the door. “I just want to forget about it. Don’t you get that?”

  “Honestly? No.” Hannah stood. “What if it had been me back then?” She followed me out the door and across the landing. “Would you have thrown me under the bus?”

  “Seriously?” I stopped halfway down the curving stairs and turned back to her. “I came out for you. They caught us kissing and I told them the truth. Why are you even asking that?”

  “Because the idea of losing you scares the crap out of me.” Hannah started down the stairs.

  “So trust me when I say it isn’t going to happen.” I turned and started down the stairs again, speaking over my shoulder. “I don’t care what Madison or Genny think anymore. Honestly, the fact that you think I still do is insulting.”

  “I’m sorry I can’t be honest with you about how I feel.”

  I stopped and turned. “Did you just invite me over here to start a fight? Because this all seems pretty stupid to me.” I stood with my hand on the front door handle.

  Hannah stood on the bottom stair, shifting from foot to foot. Overhead, a chandelier that might well have been real crystal sparkled down on us. “I just didn’t like hearing about you acting like Madison and Genny,” Hannah said softly. “I hate girls like that.”

  “Well, I was one of those girls. And then I met you and things changed. I’m not like that anymore.” I opened the door. The early October air felt good against my warm skin. All of a sudden, I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough. “But if my history with them makes you nervous, maybe this isn’t going to work.”

  “Alissa.” Hannah rolled her eyes. “I never said that. You’re totally overreacting.”

  “Whatever.” I shook my head. “Let’s just talk tomorrow.”

  I stepped outside and closed the door. The next day, she was gone.

  Chapter Four

  I leaned against my locker and checked my phone for texts.

  Nothing. No word from Hannah.

  I stared at the background of my phone, a picture of us, but mostly her. It had been five days since I ran my fingers through her soft hair or across the tight skin on her stomach. Five days since we’d had a stupid argument that I’d expected we would both be over by the next morning. I lifted my head and let it fall back against the cool metal of the lockers with a soft bang. In the picture she had one arm around my neck, trying to tug me into the picture and laughing like crazy.

  God, I missed her.

  I shut my locker, jumping when I saw Nick standing there. “Jesus, you scared the hell out of me.” I thrust the books I was holding at him so I could pull back my hair. The blond waves fell halfway down my back and sometimes I just couldn’t handle having them in my way.

  “Sorry.” Nick laughed. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you would see me.”

  “I’m not even here.” I took my books back and turned to lean against the lockers again. “I can’t even think straight.”

  “Still no sign of Hannah?” Nick leaned against the lockers next to me, facing me and crossing his arms. His eyebrows knit together over dark eyes that hinted at his mother’s Filipino roots.

  “No. Her parents are freaking out too. They weren’t exactly gung ho about us being together and now they keep acting like I know where she is.”

  “Sucks.” Nick shook his head, then tugged up his baseball cap to scratch at his short hair. “Where do you think she went?”

  I sighed and pushed away from my locker to head toward class. Nick followed. “I don’t know. She has plenty of friends back in Chicago, so maybe there? The cops and her parents have called everyone though. She’s officially a missing person.” I tamped down the fear those words brought to my chest. “I just wish she would call me.”

  Someone bumped into me hard enough to make it clear it wasn’t an accident. I looked over my shoulder to see Genny and Madison.

  “Nice outfit, lesbo.” Madison sneered.

  Back when we’d been friends, I’d done my best to keep my clothes up to her standards. Everything had to be from the right stores, jeans had to fit a certain way, absolutely no sweatshirts. Now, I wore what I wanted, basically living in a few worn pairs of jeans, graphic T-shirts, and thin hoodies. With Hannah by my side I never worried about what Madison thought of me. Without her, the words stung.

  “Ouch, that one was good. You been thinking about that since last period?” Nick asked, walking backward with his thumbs hooked in the straps of his backpack. Genny flipped him off and he turned around laughing. “What a bitch.”

  “I deserve it.” I shook my head, knowing Hannah wouldn’t agree with me. But then I thought of Lana. She’d been on my mind a lot since Hannah disappeared. Despite my feelings for Lana, I’d helped Madison and Genny make her life hell so it was only fair they did the same to me.

  “Those two just think they’re better than everyone because they’re club kids. They crap the same as all of us even if it is in the country club toilet.”

  I shook my head, unable to stop a grin. Neither of us had parents who could afford the outrageously expensive country club membership. I’d lost my pass to the world of country clubs and McMansions three months ago when Hannah and I made things official. There was no room in that world for a token lesbian. At least not in our high school. We turned into Psychology, taking our seats at the back of the room with a couple of Nick’s friends.

  Focusing on Mr. Bradson’s lecture wasn’t happening. He had this way of beating an idea to death that could make anyone’s eyes glaze over. My attention drifted toward Nick. He was playing tic-tac-toe with one of his friends.

  “Alissa?” Mr. Bradson brought me back to the moment.

  I sat up straighter, realizing I’d been almost asleep. “Huh?” Laughter tittered through the class.

  Mr. Bradson glared. “Do you have any idea what we’re talking about?”

  I wracked my brain, but finally had to shake my head. “No, sorry.”

  “Please try to stay focused.” He continued the lecture and I did my best to pay attention.

&nbs
p; Instead, my mind drifted to Hannah. It had been a week since she went missing. Aside from her parents and me, no one seemed too concerned about it. I wondered at how easy it was for people to forget that less than two years ago another girl had disappeared, never to be found.

  I slouched in my chair, hoping Mr. Bradson had harassed me enough and I could let my mind slide to other things.

  Chapter Five

  Six Months Ago

  “Madison!”

  I almost groaned, recognizing Madison’s ex, Tommy, calling to her. I should have known we couldn’t be at Zeke’s party without running into him. There had been a few glorious months when Madison refused to talk to him, but now they were on friendly terms again.

  She turned, a smile lighting up her face as she spotted him pushing his way through crowd. Zeke’s parents were out of town, and kids overflowed from the house into the yard. We’d spent the last twenty minutes hovering around the beer pong table as Madison’s boy of the moment, Wyatt, got his ass handed to him. He and Genny were edging past drunk and into hammered and the night was still young.

  “Who’s this?” Madison took the words right out of my mouth as Tommy stopped in front of us with the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Her dark skin was smooth and flawless, and curly, black hair hung to her shoulders. She tugged her hand free of his.

  “Hannah Desarno.” She reached out to shake our hands. When she smiled, her eyes lit up. My stomach flipped in a way it hadn’t since I’d been with Lana.

  “Alissa Reeves,” I said, beating Madison to her hand. It was soft and warm around mine. I never wanted to let go.

  “I’m Madison.”

  Hannah shook her hand as well, but her eyes lingered on mine. A tingle surged through me. I wished that look meant what I wanted it to mean, but somehow I doubted it. Besides, what would I do if it did mean she was interested?

  “Hannah just moved here from Chicago. Her dad works with my dad at the hospital,” Tommy said proudly. “I’ve been showing her around.”